well...so much for that.

apparently, the responsibility of ten-month-old daughters and new, 
upstarting relationships are two very incompatible elements in my life. 
relationships require a lot of time and energy if they are going to work - 
a lot of time and energy i simply don't have to spare, i guess. needs 
weren't being met, and feelings were being hurt. and so, things between 
matthew and i have broken off.

que sera sera, i suppose.

i forget just how utterly my life has transformed, sometimes. i forget how 
much my relationships with people have changed, how my ideas and 
priorities have changed. i can't imagine doing anything more fun and 
rewarding than dancing around the kitchen with my daughter (she's dancing 
now - she watches me and tries to imitate me. she does this little 
shaking-her-head-no dance, where she just shakes and wiggles until she 
gets dizzy and falls down, and it's very cute) while she laughs, and then 
i'll laugh, and then she'll laugh even more. and i love having time to 
myself every now and again, and i love spending time with people, but most 
of the time when i *am* out and about, all i do is think about Ash anyway, 
and miss her horribly, and if i see any babies anywhere around i think 
about her and how they compare and i wonder how she is doing and feel a 
need to get back to her as quickly as possible. Ash is by no means my 
entire life, but she's most of it, and i wouldn't have it any other way. 
however, that makes starting a relationship a pretty difficult thing to 
do, i guess. it was pretty silly of me to think i really had enough time 
for it. i mean, hell, most *marriages* suffer a great deal of stress in 
the early years of a child because there is so little time for the couple 
to spend with eachother - and married couples live in the same house and 
see eachother everyday. but, life's all about the learning. you make 
mistakes, get up, dust yourself off, and set to making even more. just 
hopefully you won't make the same ones the second time around.

Dust came down this weekend which was pretty neat, except i was in such a 
pissy mood. we played with Ash and took pictures of her, worked on website 
ideas, and swapped mp3s. he took her up to see his parents on saturday, 
and that was pretty cool. he, my mum, and i, had quite a few really long 
and elaborate conversations. maybe i talk too much.

our conversations inspired me to write the inalienable truths of devon, or 
something like that. just a list of things about me that just are. 
exploring my personality in a way. of course, i've not done that yet. and 
i thought about doing that tonight, but i'm honestly too exhausted.

but before i go to sleep, i'd like to interupt your regularly scheduled 
program for this important postmodern announcement:

i was never a chicken, she said, i never had wings. the only feathers i 
ever owned i carried in my mouth - there's that space in the mouth of 
every child beneath the tongue where they carry their souls - when they 
reach adolescence, they lose it in a french-kiss. she was a chicken, but 
she didn't admit it. she had long, colorful tresses that she bookmarked 
her lies with, she had violet eyes that would pierce through the tangerine 
sky like a scream. she had one hand open and one hand closed, waiting for 
a trigger, and touching the frayed corner of a happy ending wondering if 
it could be repaired. but she didn't bring any glue, no, not her. and she 
lost, because she was just a chicken.

thank you, and goodnight.