down in the underground
june 6th, 2000

well, i'm back. anyone who knows me well at all had to have known that i 
wouldn't stay gone for long - my addiction to the cyberverse is widely 
known. i suppose it is partially due to my secret dark desire to be 
outrageously famous, and knowing that my web presence is probably the 
closest i will ever come to that. it is partially due to the fact that my 
friends, family, and loved ones are all scattered throughout the four 
corners of the universe, and this is the easiest, most sure-fire way to 
stay in touch with everyone. but mostly, it is due to the fact that i am 
happier than i have been in a very, very long time, and i want to share 
that happiness with as many people as possible. i want to scream it loud 
outside every open window in the universe. i want to write it in long 
poetic paragraphs with an airplane in the sky.

i'm back in my element again, which means i'm in love. i'm comfortably in 
love. i have focus, direction, and the empty space of endless searching 
has been alleviated and swept away. this particular relationship is unlike 
any other i've been in before. his name is matthew - i fell in love with 
him many years ago when i was still very much a child, and now after eight 
years of deep friendship, secret wishes, and endless flirtation, walking 
thin lines in order not to ruin the friendship we created, we have finally 
crossed a threshold where we have the freedom to fully express to 
eachother our emotions and affections.

being with matthew is entirely different from anything i've ever 
experienced - i mean, i suppose *every* relationship feels different from 
all the others...but i don't feel any need to compromise or define myself 
by any terms but my own. our relationship has a strong and comfortable 
foundation in friendship with which to work. we are experiencing a degree 
of closeness never before possible. he compliments me in ways i can't even 
begin to explain - our colors work well together. we simply go good 
together, like wine and conversation, like moonlight and the sea. he is 
precisely what i need right now in about a half dozen ways, and every 
moment we spend together feels absolutely *right*. i trust matthew, i 
believe in matthew, and i feel as if some deep wounded part of me heals 
with every moment we spend together. it feels really, really nice. i am in 
love, and i am happy.

it is summer, and i am home. my little starfish is growing like mad - it 
was even time to turn her car seat around from rear-facing the other day. 
she's walking everywhere, she's getting into everything, she even said 
"kitty" once, though we've not been lucky to hear a repeat of the word. 
she still fights sleep with a great deal of stubborness, she's eating 
"real food" now and can even feed herself crackers. she loves being 
outside in the grass, and she hates wearing shoes (i can't imagine where 
she might have gotten that from...) she is a treasure, and every day is an 
adventure with her. she loves to play - she can even play peek-a-boo by 
peeking up over the coffee table. her hair is full of curls, her eyes a 
crystaline blue, and her hands always finding the smallest objects to 
place in her mouth so mommy can try to fish them out later...but she's a 
wonderful child, exceedingly friendly, very curious, highly intelligent, 
and sweet as cinnamon. she totally amazes me, the way she thinks, the way 
she is...motherhood is hard work, but is immensely worth every moment i 
put into it. sometimes i feel as if i must be cheating somehow, since i 
enjoy it so much.

and i am always amazed at just how far the family branches. i drove up to 
morristown to attend jill's graduation last friday, and it was the most 
amazing thing to realize just how much a part of their family i really 
feel as if i am. i was as proud of jill as if she were my sister, seeing 
her all gussied up in her butterfly gown, meeting her boyfriend, sharing 
stories...and watching her and Dust and their parents play with and tend 
to the starfish with such adoration as if she really were simply a part of 
their family...it was wonderful.

my feelings of my "extended family" were only brightened even more by a 
weekend visit with lyndsay and erin. we read poetry, went on walks, wrote 
mad quotes in books, read comics, stumbled through the internet, made 
dinner and snacks, went grocery shopping, saw gargantuan cows standing 
outside of food city in honor of national dairy month...those two always 
make me feel marvelously alive. i want to scream and shout out loud after 
they've left me, and i buzz with new ideas and thoughts and different ways 
to try a million new things and stories and poetry and words moving a mile 
a minute down the interstate heading for the mountains where they might 
find a home...there's something even more fufilling about sharing my home 
with them again, these mountains and my place of sanctuary, to invite them 
in and let them paint my walls with their fabulous dreams, and let them 
make silly faces with my starfish, and let them dance on my webcam - it 
just makes my home seem even more homey. i have missed them.

my life seems very full at the moment. i almost feel like exploding out of 
myself. i'm at that almost dangerous place where it feels like anything 
would be possible if i'd just have the guts to get it done. i've been 
wanting to finish my book lately, the one i haven't touched in years. i 
have so many things to add to it, because finally i know how it's supposed 
to end, and i finally know what happens to charlotte. and i want to 
reinvent my old wonderland, step by step, piece by piece. starting here, 
with this journal once again. i've been reading a lot of SARK books 
lately. in particular, succulent wild woman. i think it would be an 
understatement to say that they have had an impact.

so...yes. life is good. life is very good. there have been rough patches 
and potholes since my return, but easy enough to build bridges over. it 
isn't so difficult to work through problems, once you have the proper 
tools. and once you take responsibility for your own actions and 
understand that you are entirely in control of everything that happens to 
you and, therefore, if you are unhappy with what is happening, you've no 
one to blame but yourself...so write me, welcome me back, leave me 
voicemail if you are horribly bored...1.800.222.6000, mailbox number: 
423787000...should be fairly simple. so, hello, cyberverse. i'm breaking 
out the crayons and the glitter, there won't be any stopping me now...