wrestling apathy
march 28th, 2000

(this entry is dedicated to malice, who prompted me to get off my lazy ass 
and update. thanks, hon.)

sometimes i feel as if something has gone horribly wrong with me. my body 
doesn't work the way it used to. my soul doesn't work the way it used to. 
i have absolutely no motivation to do anything at all, even update this 
journal. i've been struggling with a paper analyzing the character of 
Gretchen in Goethe's Faust, which was due this morning. i just don't see 
any point in it. i tell myself, no, it's just because i don't like the 
professor, or no, it's just because i'm having a bad day, because for all 
the sleep i get in the middle of the day it still isn't enough, my body 
clock doesn't work like that, but still, it just isn't like me, to sit 
around in the shell of my skin, wasting air, simply existing, not wanting 
to do anything but stare at the wall.

"i've got no motivation
where is my motivation?
no time for motivation
smoking my inspiration" - Green Day

that's a lot what it's like. as if i were smoking pot, which of course, 
i've never done in my entire life. as if i were simply suspended here, 
instead of actually living. i know a lot of it has to do with the fact 
that i simply don't get the degree of social interaction i need. i know a 
lot of it is simply because i'm not feeling really well, and nobody feels 
the greatest if they don't feel very well. i know a lot of it is because 
my daughter screams a *whole* lot when she's very tired, in the mornings, 
when i'm really tired, and it's frustrating and depressing and all sorts 
of things which make me feel like a horrible mother, no matter how much i 
try to tell myself that every single parent in the world feels that way 
every once in a while late at night when their little ones simply refuse 
to sleep. i just don't want to mess this up, i want to be perfect at this, 
if nothing else, than this, i want to make my starfish happy twenty four 
hours a day, which is, of course, impossible.

but it's better tonight than it was this morning. i woke up to Dust 
knocking at my door, and feeling totally horrible, and then getting sick, 
and still not sure exactly what was wrong with me, and then having this 
silly, irrational fear that i might be pregnant again, and then laughing 
at myself since it's been nearly eleven months since i last had sex. but 
Dust was here, and i was incredibly grateful, so i could spend 45 minutes 
curled up in a little moaning pathetic ball on the couch while he was able 
to tend to Aisling. i snapped out of it pretty quick after i threw up. and 
then i started making hair barrettes talk to Dust in intelligible voices 
without realizing what i was doing, feeling all the world like Lyta Hall 
in Sandman - the Kindly Ones when she's walking with a friend of hers and 
points to the street and suddenly shouts out, "oooh, look! firetruck!"

i sadly have been spending a lot of time in dreamscape the last couple of 
days. it really is entirely too addicting, and it is probably the culprit 
i could blame with not getting my paper done last night, in all honesty. i 
was talking to Dust inworld, and buying the really neat anime heads 
(actually, some really neat person bought me the girl anime head and gave 
it to me, just out of the blue. i love how nice people are in this world!) 
we took screenshots of dreamscape, which i will list here, to give you an 
idea of how i've been spending my time lately:

there i am, on the left, with the balloon.
now i'm on the right, with my new anime head.
i'm on the right again, with my original trademarked lesbian head and 
cat-ears.

i'll have more later, showing off my room and what-not, but it's a little 
bit of a mess right now. and the green-haired chick with horns is Dust, by 
the way, for anyone who was curious.

it amazes me how the Universe has this wonderful way of reminding me that 
things are never as bad as i might initially imagine them to be. i walked 
out of my class today feeling totally low for being the only student not 
turning in her paper on time (well, other than Todd who sits beside me and 
is the ultimate King o' the Slackers, but he wasn't even there today) and 
i walked into the most beautiful windy march morning. i love the wind. i 
feel so at home in my element when a particularly windy day tousles my 
hair and pushes multicolored tufts of cloudstuff over the horizon causing 
the sunlight to dapple the surrounding mountains in patches, reflecting 
off the new spring green of the trees, making them look for all the world 
like something from a bob ross painting...it made me smile, and breathe a 
moment. "see, devon? it really ain't all that bad..."

but now, i need to get to work on my paper, i've procrastinated enough 
tonight.