by the prickling of my thumbs
march 20th, 2000

firstly, i'd like to take the time to wish a very, very, very happy 
birthday to my dear Dust! and i'd also like to wish a happy birthday to 
Erin, ahead of time, even though it is tomorrow.

i have so very much to do. i have a paper to write, a novel to read, a 
presentation to prepare, as well as three more tests and regular homework 
within the span of these next two weeks. in addition to this, i have to do 
everything i can to keep the house spotless between now and next weekend 
for mum's LAN party. it's insane. so if you happen to be looking in on my 
webcam and you notice i'm not working, email me and tell me to get my 
little ass busy. :) like right now!

i've decided that Aisling simply does not understand the definition of 
sleep. she cat-naps throughout the day, and will sleep a span of eight 
hours, which is an awfully small amount for a baby. and it would be fine - 
if four of those eight hours she was sleeping didn't happen to be exactly 
while i was at school. so it's another week to see how long i can go 
before i become totally and thoroughly exhausted.

there's so much i wish i could say, so much i wish i could go into 
sometimes, but now there are simply so many people reading this journal, i 
feel really self-conscious to go into anything. in many ways, it's like 
getting undressed in front of a lot of people and being self-conscious 
about how your body looks. and it's funny, because i am so totally open 
and receptive to strangers, and i really don't care what they think about 
my mental state or the weird things that flash through my head or my 
little silly crushes and reminescences (or my spelling)...but then when 
there are people reading this journal regularly who are so incredibly cool 
that i don't want them to think i am acting silly, or whom i'm scared of 
hurting their feelings, or any number of things...then i clam up.

i guess i must be doing something right, though. i checked my profile for 
the first time since forever last night and noticed i was getting some 
fabulous reviews. wow. :) thank you peoples! it was really neat, because a 
lot of them were owners of diaries i check on a semi-regular basis (and 
love - i just don't do anything on a regular basis anymore) so that was 
really cool. and Ashley sent me the most wonderful email, and Amber wrote 
such a wonderful, wonderful poem for me, and i feel very, very loved 
today. it never ceases to amaze me how much i feel like i need the 
acceptance of others. and how lonely i get when i don't have anyone nearby 
and live in-person i can talk to and hang around. it's silly - i have more 
friends than i know what to do with, and i still feel very alone in this 
town. it's not as if i'd have time to hang out with anyone, anyway. and 
it's not as if i haven't seen really interesting-seeming people and just 
not had the guts to go up and talk to them. it's not as if i couldn't call 
Erin and go hang out with her from time to time. blah. maybe i just like 
to complain. :)

i think it's mostly school, actually. ever since i was religiously outed 
in my english class, my classmates have been avoiding me like the plague 
(the ones in my spanish class already were ever since i decided to defend 
my appalachian heritage to a friggin yankee) and so, already pretty 
lonely, i've even become more so in the past couple of weeks. it's not 
like i can discuss the finer points of philosophy with these people...and 
they hate e.e. cummings! they think he is confusing and weird! and 
well...he is, but that's what i like about him! :( anyway...

i think i'm just in the mood to bitch or something, so ignore me.

Dust is worried that he will lose his closeness with Aisling and myself if 
we move farther away...but since out-of-state tuition is such a insane 
cost, going back to MTSU or heading back to greeneville and going to ETSU 
are really the only true options i have (well except moving down to 
chattanooga with the Murrays, of course) so it's not like i'll be dropping 
off the face of the earth. and Dust is worried about the idea that when i 
start dating, and if i fall in love again with someone who can really be a 
father to Aisling, where he's going to fall in that equation (since he 
really is the closest thing to a father figure she has right now.) but 
whenever i have someone in my life again, they'll just have to understand 
what an important role Dust plays in both of our lives, and know that it 
doesn't go beyond that, and not be jealous of that friendship. and 
likewise, Dust is going to have to learn not to be jealous of the 
relationship that forms between myself, my daughter, and whatever person 
who might come into our life. it'll be hard for both parties i am sure, 
but i am willing to do everything i can to make things work. (besides, i 
may always just go live in a big house with all of my wives. it could 
happen.)

anyway, i've wasted a good hour on this entry, so i'm going to go tackle 
one of the numerous projects i have to do. if you get a chance, tune in to 
see if i'm listening to appropriate "getting-shit-done" music. and if you 
don't hear from me in a few days, it's just because the homework monster 
gobbled me up.