so much to say
march 19th, 2000

so much to say, so much to say, so much to say, so much to say...or at 
least i think that's how the song goes.

amber stopped in this afternoon and brought her little son, connor, which 
was absolutely wonderful! amber is one of those people i swear i could 
talk to for hours and hours and hours, and i could totally forget about 
sleep, or eating, or running to the bathroom, or any of those normal 
things a body has to keep doing in order to function correctly because i 
would just be totally happy to sit there and talk, and compare notes about 
our lives, and discover, and all sorts of things. and watching our 
children interact is the absolute most amazing and amusing thing, with my 
head-strung daughter being all aggressive and in connor's face, and connor 
sitting back simply being all cool about everything and looking at her 
with this perfect expression as if she were half out of her mind for 
wanting to pull on his ears. it's going to be sooo neat when connor gets 
more mobile and they can actually walk around and share toys and all sorts 
of cool things like that. it's such a wonderful idea, for both of them to 
have a childhood friend. one they can keep with them for always and 
forever. somebody they can grow up with. i've always wanted a friend like 
that, and i've never had one - so i think it will be absolutely wonderful 
for Aisling to. i can't express how glad i am that i've finally met amber, 
and meg, and the whole chattanooga crew whom i was totally taught to 
despise and avoid. and it's so funny...when nathaniel first told me that 
amber was pregnant, he went into this long schpill about how neither one 
of us should be having babies because we weren't mentally stable enough to 
handle being a mother, and he kept saying over and over how horrible a 
parent amber was going to be, and i totally bought into it, since i was 
very much under the influence o' nate...and nothing, *nothing* could be 
farther from the truth. amber totally amazes me on the daily basis - she 
is such an absolutely *wonderful* mother. connor is going to grow up 
knowing without a doubt how much he is obviously loved and adored. it's 
just amazing. being friends with another young mother has to be one of the 
greatest gifts the universe decided to throw at me...because trying to do 
this on your own, and have conversations with your non-parenting friends, 
becomes very difficult when you could spend hours and hours discussing 
facial expressions and sleeping habits and spit-up stories - none of which 
would interest non-parenting friends in the least, no matter how much they 
would like to pretend they are fascinated by what you are saying. :)

actually, i am totally impressed with my friends and their interest in my 
child. Dan, of all people, really surprised the hell out of me when i took 
Aisling to murfreesboro to visit with all of the college friends i left 
behind. Dan has always said how much he *hates* kids. he was terrified of 
me while i was pregnant because he saw the entire thing as being very 
gross and repulsive. he continually wears a dead-pan expression, and is 
simply not someone you would think of as a playful kind of guy. and yet he 
played with Aisling straight for a good two hours, twirling her around, 
flying her in the air, bouncing her up and down...we were visiting in the 
women's studies office at mtsu, and he was holding her and flying her 
around and he told me he'd be right back and he took her outside...for a 
good twenty minutes! showed her the outside world, the sky, and people, 
and then brought her in the building and proceeded to walk up and down the 
stairs with her because she seemed to be quite fascinated. and just to see 
Dan - all gothy and dark in his velvet and black and metal jewelry - just 
to see him acting all coddly and sweet with a child, it was really, really 
neat.

it's so funny how totally wrong the images of the chattanooga crew that 
nathaniel put in my head were. and i know that the feeling is likewise for 
the ones i have met, though i must be perfectly honest - i feel as if them 
meeting me now, since my pregnancy and my pulling-myself-together - is 
almost unfair in a way. because i really *was* a messed up little girl who 
thought i was a faerie...well, kinda. nathaniel loved that image of 
myself, and so i tried desperately to amplify it, which was when it 
stopped being cute and charming and just became ridiculous. my closest 
friends are quick to admit that i was totally flaky during that period of 
time. many of them weren't even sure that i would make a good mother. for 
me to so totally turn myself around the way i did - it impresses even me, 
to this day. so while i know that many of my new friends from chattanooga 
wish that they had not listened to nathaniel and met me long before now, i 
seriously doubt they would have liked me very much at all back then, 
anyway. because i was very much without a few oars. granted, being with 
nathaniel only amplified that all the more, but i really was not a 
fully-functioning person until i got pregnant and started settling down 
into the preparation for motherhood.

and i still have a lot of things i need to work on. though i must say 
happily that i have finally flung aside the influence of nate. i can see 
so clearly through all his smoke and mirrors now. i had a long 
conversation with him the other night when he was talking about signing 
over his rights to Aisling...and it was so obvious the places where he was 
trying to make me feel guilty, and where he was trying to get me to say he 
was a horrible person and shouldn't be around Aisling at all, and all 
sorts of things. but i handled it so well. i've never handled it that well 
before. and i felt such a sense of pride and freedom, and strength, that 
now, here, finally, i could stand up to this man for the sake of my child. 
that yes, he could be a father if he agreed to get psychological help, and 
that he would still have to provide support for her, whether or not he 
wanted to be in her life or not. if he really cared about her, none of 
this would be an issue, and i know this. if the tables were turned - even 
if i had the severe psychological problems he does - i'd do anything i 
could to be with my daughter, if i truly loved her, or had any sense of 
responsibility at all. at the very least, i would be totally ready and 
willing to provide financial support for the child, because she would be 
my responsibility, and i would want her to have the very best i could 
offer her. but nathaniel flat-out does not want to take on any of the 
responsibility of this situation at all, not even the responsibility to 
find out if she truly is his or not. he made all of that very apparent 
with his conversation. i stood up to him, and he couldn't answer me. but 
after seeing his manipulation so obviously at work and so obviously 
failing, i've lost all of my respect and what little sympathy i had left 
for him. he's just a sick and irresponsible little coward, who is 
obviously not interested in Aisling's welfare at all. and i'm tired of 
being nice.

we'll probably be moving soon, anyway. mom's business lost the account for 
the computer tech support they were doing, and now she's either going to 
be outplaced to another branch of the company or out of a job. which means 
moving, either way. in all likelihood, i'm going to be staying in state, 
as much as the university of north carolina sounds very appealing (as mom 
may be outplaced to charlotte) the out-of-state tuition is ridiculous, and 
i simply can't afford it right now. if mom moves out of state, i'll 
probably move back into the trailor next to my grandparents and finish up 
college at ETSU. not really the most exciting life, but it will work, i 
suppose. besides, i think i've had enough excitement in these past couple 
of years to do me a very, very long time. i'm all with amber about the 
idea that a boring life sounds very appealing right about now. :) there's 
also an opening for a trainer in a branch somewhere around the nashville 
area...so if it pays decent, there's always the chance i'll end up back at 
MTSU after all...

anyway, i'm totally exhausted now. i am hoping that my little one 
understands the meaning of sleep soon enough...