sniffles
march 12th, 2000

i have one sick little starfish on my hands.

it was bound to happen sooner or later, as lucky as i've been with 
Aisling's health thus far. and as many new germs as she was introduced to 
last week, i would have been terribly surprised if she hadn't got sick. 
but she doesn't have a fever - she's just all full of coughs and sniffles 
and watery eyes, making me feel really bad for her by just listening to 
her breathe. she's trying to go back to sleep now. her eyes are closed - 
she just keeps making these horribly depressing little moans. i need to be 
getting back to sleep myself, but i figured i would add a little bit more 
to my diary about the past week's events while my brother is sleeping and 
therefore the computer is free...

greeneville, which i didn't say very much about in my last entry, was very 
odd. i was extremely grouchy and exhausted and therefore horribly short 
with my grandparents whom with, as much as i love them, a person must have 
infinite patience in order not to be driven totally insane by them. they 
are truly very wonderful people, but my grandmother is extremely critical 
and overbearing, and my grandfather is rather paranoid and 
over-protective, and trying to convince them that i can not only take care 
of myself but *gasp* wonder of all wonders, my little six month old 
daughter too (who would have ever imagined i was capable of such a feat?) 
is always a chore. i got to take Aisling outside to play, though, and she 
chased around my cat and really loved being put in the porch swing. she 
wasn't very fond of the grass though. but i'm sure it will grow on her. 
(terrible pun placed in honor of Chris, the king of horrible jokes, thank 
you very much.)

seeing Amber was just absolutely wonderful, as i know i said before. i got 
to watch Aisling paw at and tackle Connor, and talk to and laugh at, and 
it was very cute - especially when Connor "fought back." it'll be even 
neater here in another month or two when Connor is a great deal more 
mobile and they can actually share toys and all those neat things - and 
Connor is incredibly adorable. and he really is just like Adam in 
minature. they have a wonderful family unit, and Amber and Adam have an 
insane dynamic between the two of them that just makes perfect sense. and 
it's really great to see, because i can watch their situation and have a 
great deal of hope for the future - it's my proof that not all men are 
total irresponsible little boys who don't care who they hurt in their 
quest for self-fulfillment. and that love really does sometimes prevail. 
i've actually seen a lot of examples of that lately. *snicker* i guess 
it's just the universe's way of saying, "don't give up, devon! i swear 
this love stuff ain't all bad!"

i complain a lot about my situation, but i can't stress how totally 
thrilled i am that all of this happened to me. i have learned sooo very 
much from all of this, from Nathaniel, from my daughter - even from my 
little interludes with Hal. i've learned that i have to go through life 
with some sense of caution, that if something smells like a fish, more 
than likely that's exactly what it is, i've learned how totally strong a 
person i can be sometimes, i've outgrown all of my old silliness and 
game-playing, and i know that the old, butterflies-are-free lifestyle that 
i used to believe i always wanted, living like a gypsy out of my car or 
whatnot, is not at all what i want out of life, or at least it isn't what 
i want anymore. i've learned that people aren't bad really, even when they 
hurt you - they just have a lot of problems that they totally refuse to 
acknowledge and deal with. but i've also learned that just because a 
person suffers from these issues, that is still no excuse for them to 
totally mess with your life. i've learned that motherhood is one of the 
ultimate joys of life, and that everything really does happen for a 
reason, and that i don't have to be "interesting" to be loved. (i know 
that last one sounds rather elementary, but hey, this is me we're talking 
about.)

so...anyway. i really like Amber. a whole lot. it's so funny, because i 
had totally been convinced to believe everyone in chattanooga was 
completely insane and totally messed up and all out to get me and 
what-not. which isn't entirely untrue, but everyone i've met from there 
(save the obvious) has been absolutely some of the greatest people i've 
ever met. (and i'm not sure if that last sentence was grammatically 
correct, but what the hell. i'm only an english major, after all.)

murfreesboro was much fun. we met up with a lot of my college friends and 
spent the afternoon playing in the sun and then grabbing a bite to eat 
afterwards. everyone is totally in love with Aisling. it's so odd, because 
i always feel kind of awkward around my friends anymore, since most of my 
conversations revolve around my daughter and mommyhood, and complete 
tangents of thought and conversations can become totally derailed by a 
suddenly fussy baby. it's hard for me to keep up with them sometimes, and 
i always get scared that i'm really boring the hell out of them. but they 
always prevail and make me feel so totally welcome and completely gush 
over Aisling. Dan especially surprised the hell out of me. for those who 
don't know him, Dan is this wonderful gothy boy i met my first year of 
college who was totally freaked out by the idea of me being pregnant a 
year ago and who claims to totally hate children and never, ever, ever 
wants any. but he spent the entirity of friday afternoon swinging Aisling 
around, letting her stick her hands all over his face, "flying" her, 
carrying her outside and up and down the stairs to look at everything, and 
just really playing with her almost nonstop. it had to be ultimately one 
of the cutest things i've ever seen. Aisling loves all of my friends, 
though, and i know she adores the infinite amount of attention she always 
recieves when she goes to murfreesboro. god, it was nice to see everyone 
again.

i also stayed the night with meghan, with the intention of being able to 
hang out with her and talk to her and get to really *meet* her for the 
first time, but the night continued to become odd and surreal, partly due 
to my total exhaustion, Aisling's sickness, and a Nathaniel who spent the 
evening getting the shit kicked out of him at some sort of a fightning 
competition coming over to her apartment and staring at a sleeping Aisling 
while eating a bagel. it was still really wonderful to get to hang out 
with her for a little while, albeit not very long, and a lot of it under 
very odd circumstances, but i plan to see her again very soon, anyway. she 
is totally an amazing and wonderful person, though. and one of the 
sweetest and most giving people i've ever met.

Dust came back to oak ridge with me, with the intentions of hanging out 
and working on our new business, but in reality we ended up sleeping a 
whole lot and then running around oak ridge on saturday. and i'm still 
totally exhausted. Dust has been really busy with a lot of projects at 
school lately, though, so he's not really centered on things at the 
moment. and when my brother is here, he always hogs the computer anyway, 
making it very difficult to accomplish anything if it means working 
through the cyberverse.

but speaking of exhaustion, and sleep, my little one went down half an 
hour ago, and i really should too, as much as i could ramble and ramble 
for hours and hours on end...