a wonderful day
february 27th, 2000

have you ever recieved a glimpse of your future? you're standing there, in 
some doorway, with a basket of laundry on your hip, and you look at the 
blue swirls of cloud covering the descending sun dropping towards the 
west, and you see, so perfectly, so clearly, a picture of the future, as 
if you've taken a intuitive snapshot of your life to come. well, it had 
never happened to me, really, before today.

Erin spent the night at my house last night, crashing hours before i was 
even thinking of sleep and of course thereby leaving hours before i was 
even remotely waking up. she left a note for me, with one of her lovely 
little doodles of her on this desert island out in the middle of nowhere 
with this wonderful little palm tree, it's great. but she left me a note, 
a wonderful note, that made me glow, and i thought of her, and life, and 
my house, and then i thought of the future, and what my futuristic home 
would be - a rickity old farmhouse, up in the mountains, away from 
everything, perhaps even with a springhouse, or a well...two stories. very 
country. with white peeling paint on the outside, and open windows in the 
summer. and i saw myself in this house in the mountains, with Aisling 
playing in the backyard, and my friends coming to visit me - perhaps even 
living with me from time to time, in my farmhouse - and me standing on the 
back porch opening the storm door, my dress being rustled by the wind, and 
the clouds smiling at me. the universe smiling at me. and me and Aisling 
there, and my friends, and no one else. no "significant other" looming in 
the picture, with whom i need to compromise my happy dream of what might 
be. no one i have to answer to, or share with, or shape around. and it is 
the first time my life has been so open, and so free. and it feels nice, 
as if my spirit is going barefoot for a while. (and i love being 
barefoot.)

it's very strange, how totally dualistic i've become. i sometimes run 
errands on the weekends while mom is here to look after Aisling for a few 
minutes, and even though i'll just be going to the grocery store, or to 
walmart, or some other very simplistic place, i get all dressed up, 
gussied up, roll the windows down (the weather here lately has been 
absolutely beautiful) and turn the radio way, way up, and just sing and go 
fast in my little car and laugh and i feel so wild, and so untamed. it's a 
stark contrast to the very reserved and practical mother i am at home, and 
around Aisling. it's almost as if, since i feel i have to be responsible, 
nurturing, and careful around my starfish, i've channelled my more wild 
side of self to those moments when i'm away from her, and i prance and 
laugh and jump around and do cartwheels, feeling totally without care for 
those few fleeting moments...as if the two contrasting sides of my 
personality have split themselves up in my life. i'm not at all certain 
this is healthy, but i'm not really sure what i can do about it. except 
maybe try to act more responsible and practical when i'm gone on my 
outings, and try to act a little more spontaneous and wild when i am home.

and i mean, i don't think that i've become a boring, uneventful person, 
and i think i'm a pretty spontaneous mom, as moms go. Aisling will be 
sitting there playing contently with something and all of the sudden i'll 
come and sweep her up, start flying her through the air and bouncing her 
up and down, talking in silly voices and laughing hysterically, making her 
laugh hysterically. i don't know - maybe it's the hair. ;)

i've decided that i know way too many incredibly talented people who 
simply aren't getting the recognition they deserve, and so i am going to 
build a website to promote their work (and probably others too) by 
creating portfolios, bios, and contact information - basically an online 
community of artists. and yes, it's probably already been done, but i'm 
not sure it's been done in tennessee, and i know it hasn't been done with 
my friends, and they are just amazing. this idea gave birth to another, 
that Dust and i should start our own business doing web design. i have no 
idea how feesible the idea really is, but we work extremely well 
creatively together (the main page of my website was a collaboration of 
both our ideas, and most of the graphics therein were the fruits of hours 
of collaborating labor (which usually involved taking turns at the 
computer and taking turns holding the baby ;) which only makes sense, 
after all...) if it does work, it would be such an amazing thing, such a 
great job to have, and such a great way to work. i absolutely love 
learning as much as i can about this stuff, and i love creating, and it 
really has become more about the layout for me than the content 
anyway...it's almost as if i make up content so i can play with the design 
(which was the original intent of this journal, by the by...) it would 
just be really good, something i could do from home and therefore be with 
the little one, something that would give me exactly the kind of living 
i'm wanting, financially speaking, and something that would allow me to 
fully explore my creative talents. i have no idea how it would work - even 
if it can - but we are both looking into it extensively to see what we can 
come up with. and it really is such an exciting idea to me!

my appologies to anyone who's written me and i haven't responded to...i 
promise i will! (eventually...) lately, when i haven't been hitting the 
books, i've been sucked into the dreamscape world... (tonight, someone 
named "Juls" gave me a head that i was asking about, trying to find where 
i could get one - just gave it to me! it was wonderous! thank you, Juls!) 
i've been decorating my apartment, and exploring, and dancing, and just 
getting totally swallowed up by it (and yes, i knew this would 
happen)...but i will actually become semi-responsible again and answer my 
email soon...or at some point...or something. an interesting little tidbit 
about diaryland...i was noticing that becca kept referring to places 
nearby where i am, and so i assumed she lived somewhere in this 
vicinity...well, recently she was visiting in murfreesboro (where i used 
to go to school) and picked up a publication called scribbling mob in 
which i was published. :) small world, this is...

at any rate...yeah. life is good.