talking in metaphors
february 16th, 2000

time: 6:11 pm
food: chefboyardee ravioli
music:"nine while nine" - the sisters of mercy
webcam: off, because i'm scruffy
clothes: my pjs, and dirty socks
what's the starfish doing? jumping in her little "johnny-jump-up"

my original intention for this entry, if you remember, was to begin an 
elaborate description of all of the serious relationships of my life, 
beginning with the first one, angela. however, events have changed, wheels 
have turned, and in all honesty i need to get myself out of the past 
anyway and start moving forward towards the rest of my life. memories are 
fine, but one can't live in the past, one can't spend their evenings 
dancing with old ghosts. because often times when those ghosts come back 
to haunt you, you understand exactly why their deaths happened when they 
did. (metaphorically, of course.)

"People who talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch." - As Good As It 
Gets

sorry, jack, that's just the kind of person i am.

if and when i ever get around to writing out these elaborate descriptions, 
it will be a funeral service, of sorts. laying the past to rest. accepting 
what was, mourning what was lost, and picking up and getting on with my 
life. i've always had the tendency to define myself by whatever 
relationship i was in at the time, and now, it is the time to be without 
one, and to be myself, just me, on my own, no matter how scary it gets, 
and no matter how lonely i am.

"Some things you've just got to face alone." - Wolverine.

(i'm just full of all sorts of quotes today.)

Dust and i ended things today. actually, he ended things with me, but it 
was mostly a mutual agreement. i told him about everything that happened 
with Doug, and he confessed that he wasn't in love with me anymore. that 
he wanted to be, that he loved me deeply, i was his closest friend, and 
that even belittled what we were. but that spark, that infatuation, that 
fire - it's just not there. and i think it has set him free. ever since i 
broke up with him three years ago, he's been clinging to the idea of me 
that he was in love with so many years ago. now he knows that no longer 
exists, and he is free. it hurts - we both cried on the phone. but it was 
an important step, for both of us, and i think what we are - as 
soul-friends - is simply perfect, and what we need to be.

i'm ready to move on now, i think. this trip down memory lane has been a 
wonderful experience. but there is much, much more in my universe. there 
is so much left open for me, so many doors, so many avenues. i can no 
longer hide in the shadows of the past, tempting as it might be. it's 
frightening, really.

i was thinking, today, about the only other time in my life i'd ever been 
so adamant about journaling as i have been these past few months. that 
time was right after my relationship ended with Angela, and then Eric and 
i started going out. Eric...i was a total bitch to him, he treated me like 
a princess, he would scale twenty miles in the sweltering heat of summer 
on foot just to arrive on my front porch and wait for me to come home from 
governor's school. he and i would run around through the trees, and the 
mountains, and he would make me things, wonderful things, with his hands, 
and with his heart, and he would bring me hand-picked roses from his 
father's garden...he was incredible, and i totally took him for granted. 
we remained close friends throughout the years, throughout my loves. his 
girlfriend got pregnant exactly one week before i did. the last time i saw 
Eric, it was nearly a year ago. we sat in the living room of my 
grandparents' house, and watched the videotape of my ultrasound. we 
laughed and talked about all the different possibilities of our children 
playing together, growing up together. i was so excited about it, but Eric 
seemed distant. i sensed he wasn't happy, but he wouldn't say anything 
about it. he asked me during the visit what i would do if he kissed me, 
and i told him i could do nothing, as he had responsibilities now, and i 
would not do anything to ruin that for him. and right before he left he 
did kiss me, ever so lightly, on the lips, more like friends would kiss 
than anything, and looked at me sadly, and left. and i never heard from 
him again. i tried to get in touch with him millions of times, and 
eventually i found out he got married. later i found out his son was born, 
but i didn't even know what he named him. i hope he is happy, wherever he 
is, but i have a feeling his isn't. i miss him, a lot. i'm not good at 
letting go of people i love, but in situations such as that, it really is 
necessary.

didn't i just say i was going to get on with my life and get away from my 
past? ugh.

anyway, i was saying that during that period of time in my life, i did a 
great deal of journaling. a daily journal was required in my sophomore 
english class, and i wrote freely about everything, much as i do here. 
random thoughts, emotions, friendships, relationships, self-discovery. i'm 
usually a writer of fiction, but i suppose that sometimes it is important 
to actually touch the reality of things, especially when you have so much 
in your head that you need to sort out.

at any rate, for some reason my little starfish has become dreadfully 
fussy - i fear she's developed an allergy to milk. so i must away to tend 
to her.