the blood of eden
february 13th, 2000

i'm bleeding again.

it's rather strange to be doing this, once more, after all this time. it 
seems something foreign, almost, though it's been a constant rhythym of my 
body for the past ten years. throughout pregnancy and post-partum, you 
find yourself entrenched with this voice in your head which screams "blood 
means danger" that your natural inclination is to panic, but then you 
remember, and then you breathe, and take the necessary precautions, and 
wince at menstural cramps again. technically, i really shouldn't even be 
doing this, since i am still breastfeeding, but the feedings have become 
few and far between, with me working and going to school, and with 
Aisling's ravenous interest in solid food. i miss it.

i've been reading through some diaries, reviewing some, and i came to 
realize that i hadn't even really introduced myself, or this diary, or my 
reasons behind anything, save for a view vague tables which were designed 
more or less for eye candy purposes. so, here i am. hello. my name is 
devon, i'm 20 years old, and a single mother. this is my fourth attempt at 
an online journal, the first being a feeble sham designed to try to 
capture my ex-boyfriend's attention (the same ex-boyfriend whom i wrote 
about in length in the hidden second online journal, mainly to sort out my 
conflicting thoughts and feelings towards him, brought to a head when i 
discovered all of the various women whom held his favor and/or sexual 
interest while we were still going out.) (on a side note, this 
before-mentioned boyfriend is also the most likely candidate towards 
paternity for Aisling...well, at least physically.) it was a very insane 
period of my life, to say the least.

my third online journal was the first incarnation of this particular 
journal, not particularly hidden, but not particularly shared openly with 
people i know and love in real life. there are many things i wish to sort 
out in my own head from time to time and, being a writer, i have a 
difficult time writing things down that won't eventually be read, no 
matter how raw, unfurnished, and stupid they sound. it's catharsis, more 
than anything, and a particular catharsis i'd rather not share with my 
loved ones. otherwise i would be subconsiously censoring myself on certain 
subjects.

so, here is number four. a place to ramble, to rant, to pick out the lint 
from between my toes.

and speaking of lint, i am thoroughly exhausted from a rough day at work. 
so i shall continue my introduction at a later date.

***


okay, so it's a later date. this is actually the third time i've gone back 
and added to an entry that was already here, it being the same date and 
all. at some point i'll actually have a set time to devote entirely to 
writing in my journal...well, maybe. i'm not really one for schedules 
anyway.

firstly, i would like to say that i think it is impossible to be 
melancholy with this new haircut. i've been bouncing off the walls for the 
past two days now. i am in ultimate "lost girl" mode. maybe i can really 
be peter pan, after all?

my little starfish is getting around the living room in her walker this 
morning - it is so adorably cute! she's been doing everything in her power 
to get mobile, and now she can go wherever she wants by skidding her 
little feet around - and she loves it! it's refreshing to see her in such 
a good mood this morning, as she was impossible all of yesterday, crying 
and screaming, and i was beginning to get seriously worried about her (and 
i worry all of the time, anyway.)

i was thinking, the other day, about just how wonderful it is to have a 
daughter, all of the possibilities that exist there, all of the different 
things there are to do and to try, and to show her. i mean, i get to show 
her the entire world. i get to take her to the beach, to the fair, to the 
circus, to disneyworld, i get to teach her how to tie her shoes, teach her 
how to swim, climb trees with her, collect rocks and paint little faces on 
them. this entire universe of childhood has opened up, except now i get to 
be the guide. and just the idea that i get to be so much a part of that, 
that i get to introduce and shape and explore right along with her - it's 
just totally amazing. it really is like christmas every day of the year.

let's see...where was i...ah, yes, the introduction. (forgive me, i am 
easily distracted.) i'm a single mother, i go to school full-time and work 
part-time, and my little starfish is five and a half months old. i love 
being a mother, and though it did quite hit me by surprise, it is the 
absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. i am rather 
scatter-brained, unbalanced, and not very stable now, but i was a hundred 
times worse before i got pregnant. Aisling has cleared my mind, set my 
goals straight, helped me to understand what is truly important in life. 
i've been much better adjusted ever since she appeared in my universe. and 
as crazy as the journey has been, i wouldn't change a thing.

i'm an english major, with emphasis in creative writing, which is my 
second big love. i write poems, short stories, novels, rants, children's 
stories - everything and anything with words, perferrably fictuous. 
writing has always and will always make me incredibly happy. i consider 
myself a wordsmith and a weaver of dreams, though i've tended to get out 
of practice now again, what with the rugrat and all. ;) but some things 
are more important even than writing.

my other great love is webpage design. another wonderland is a two and a 
half year old entity who remains in the constant state of creation and 
recreation. it needs a little sprucing up at the moment, so please excuse 
the mess if you choose to visit. i really do need to tidy things up. i 
love html, and i'm trying to achieve a better understanding of javascript. 
(eventually, i'll even master shockwave, and then i'll truly be able to 
take over the world.) but anyway.

relationships are extremely important to me. too important, actually. 
there was a time when i completely defined myself by whatever relationship 
i was in. for example when i think about the past, i don't think, "oh, 
that was back when i was a freshman in high school." i think, "oh, that 
was back when i was dating angela." i'm getting better about that, but 
they still really hold more weight with me than they should. eventually, i 
plan to intricately describe each of my serious relationships in this 
journal. i've also seen a few journals with the "what i'm wearing/what i'm 
eating/what i'm listening to right now" which i like and i think i might 
add to mine. but right now, my little angel is getting fussy again, so i 
must tend to her...