these dreams february 12th, 2000 i had a dream about Nathaniel last night. i suppose it had to happen sometime again, eventually, but it has put a rather unpleasant twist upon an otherwise pleasant morning. i dreamt that i was in murfreesboro again, and somehow i was driving people around in Nathaniel's gray truck. except no one else knew it was his truck except me and him. Dust was there, and Jeff, and Jeanna, and i was driving under the pretense of being the only one in the car who could drive a stick-shift. (though i knew full and well that Nathaniel knew how to drive an automatic.) this must have been before Aisling was born, because no mention was made of her, and she didn't appear in the dream, which is a very odd thing indeed as nearly all of my dreams these days concern her in some respect. so i was dropping people off, but Dust and Jeanna demanded sticking around until i had safely dropped Nathaniel off and not be sucked in by his charms again. And of course the entire drive i was trying to keep Nathaniel and Dust from killing eachother, which was a continuous problem back when i was dating Nathaniel. i can't remember if Nathaniel had something of mine that i needed back or what the idea was, but for some reason i was impatiently standing in his room while he unsuccessfully rummaged through things, when he mentioned brief in passing that he was getting married. "what?" i said, my jaw dropping. "what happened to the lover of freedom, the man who would not be tied down by any one woman?" "well, we're sleeping in separate bedrooms," he was quick to make an excuse. "it's not a romantic thing, it's purely a marriage for convenience." "you're so full of shit!" i retorted. "tell me, what does Meg think of the idea of you getting married? or Anna, for that matter? or Angela? or any of the others? i bet some of them don't even know, isn't that right? you may be able to fool them, and treat them however you want to treat them, but i refuse to put up with your lies and your abuse. fuck you." and then i left him. sometime later in the dream i met his wife-to-be, some S&M girl who was really nice and a good head on her shoulders, and totally uncharacteristic for Nathaniel, being really "freaky" and dominating and one of a strong spirit. anyway, she tried to convince me that while Nathaniel had all of these different women, and was marrying her, i was the one who truly held his favor. (apparently, i lived right across the bathroom from them - later in the dream i could hear them having sex.) i simply ignored her and closed the door. i think this dream represents an important development in the aftermath of Nathaniel. it's so easy for me to categorize my anger with me totally on his behavior towards Aisling since her birth, and his negligance to take responsibility for her. but this dream represents that i've finally reached the point where i understand that i can be angry with him because he mistreated me, because he really was horrible to me, and that i don't have to put up with that kind of behavior. it's a nice milestone. Dust and i talked last night, about my inconsistancies, only to discover he has the same doubts. so i suppose we'll either work through it, or we won't, and either way we understand where the other stands. we both agree that while we think we need to get together again eventually, we're not so sure that right now is really the time to be doing it. and we still act more like friends than romantic interests, but we shall see what we shall see. monday should be interesting, as Dust is planning to come visit me as well. now, if only Eric would show up on my front doorstep, i'd have it knocked. ;) i took Aisling to get her shots this morning. the doctor was asking me questions about myself, making small talk, and found out that i was a single, working mother. well, he looks at me and says, "you don't see single mothers in my country." "oh, really?" i say, nonchalantly. "yes," he answers. "if a woman sleeps around before she is married, she's killed." my face contorts into a shocked, horrified expression, expecting the doctor to proceed to tell me that america is a wonderful country because all of these women who simply made mistakes are given another chance, or something of the sort...instead, he launches into about how morally corrupt a society america is and how leaders in his home country are nearly as reprehensible as leaders in ours and on and on...so i've decided i am changing Aisling's doctor. i've been having other, more practical problems with him, and this is simply the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. but it was interesting for entertainment value, i suppose. i think today will be a good day. Dust is still here, and my friend Dan is supposed to come visit me sometime this afternoon, and i'm in one of those hit-the-road moods, where i want to get dressed up, jump in my car, and just go, everywhere, anywhere, as long as i possibly can, or as long as the world will let me. plus, it's a beautiful day outside, unseasonably warm, which means windows can be rolled down and jackets can be discarded. and wings can be worn, and sails can be set. a golden afternoon. cut your hair february 12th, 2000 well, i've finally done it. with a great deal of courage, infinite curiousity, and against my mother's strongest wishes, i went out and got all my hair cut off for the first time in my life. before after i am extremely happy with it. i almost panicked whenever i was sitting in the salon, waiting for my turn. i mean, this was permanent, or at least nearly permanent. it's for a long time, anyway. it's a serious, serious committment, and with me not even being perfectly and totally sure if my hair would adjust to being short at all, it was a major risk to take. but i am very glad i did. i like the look of it, and it is extremely versatile. i can put it in cute pigtails, put barrettes all over it, wear it down, whatever i want. and it takes all of three seconds to wash and three seconds to brush and it looks healthier, cleaner, and more manageable than it has in what seems like a forever now. i can also run my hands through it - i've never been able to run my hands through my hair! needless to say, i am happy. things with Dust are strange. neither of us are sure this is the right thing to do right now. but we are being very open and honest with eachother, and i suppose will figure it out sooner than later if its the wrong thing to be doing. i, for my part, am going back to bed, i think, while my little one is still sleeping. sweet dreams.