inconsistancy
february 10th, 2000

i'm sitting here in the afternoon with a rumbling tummy staring at my toes 
just wondering what it is in the world i think i am doing here, just what 
do i hope to accomplish by chasing myself in these circles over and over 
again, tail and all, here in the twilight of the afternoon (though the sun 
is still shining) and i stare and i stare and the lessons that life has 
given me wrapped up in ridiculous packaging, and i wonder...i wonder.

Dust will be here at any minute, Dust who once long ago and across the 
universe was my lover, Dust whom holds on the highest esteems in my heart, 
and Dust whom i know just as sure as i am sitting here this afternoon i am 
going to totally destroy again without even meaning to. we agreed to 
giving our relationship another shot. after all, three years stand 
inbetween the place where we are now and the place where our friendship 
derailed itself from anything remotely romantic. but if you're ready to 
run off into the arms of a man your madly in love with, would you stop for 
a corn-beef on rye? or even more importantly, would you be willing to pack 
yourself up and take yourself another hundred miles away from that person 
without even blinking?

no, i didn't think so.

whatever is going on between us, one thing is for certain: we don't feel 
the same way about eachother. i don't feel as if much of anything has 
changed, save that we see eachother a little more often and we kiss, now, 
where we didn't before. i think Dust's perceptions of the situation are 
different than mine, i think his feelings are different than mine, and as 
much as i am nearly thoroughly convinced that "romance" within itself is a 
lie and a sham and a whole bunch of moonshine, there is still that parts 
of me that craves it. and it's not there with Dust, at least not 
consistantly.

i have become the queen of inconsistancy.

and the irony of ironies, Doug, the boy for whom three years ago this 
valentine's day i left Dust for, has decided he should pop in and visit me 
- guess when? on valentine's day. and i sit in class with my copy of a 
midsummer night's dream, watching the latest adaptation for the screen, 
this very shakespearian play at which i first met Doug, and throughout 
which he and i, puck and titania, danced and loved and made a life of 
faerietales and nonsense. he left me, with scant reason, a few weeks 
before we left for college, leaving myself in a shambled mess. now, three 
years, two lovers, and one baby later, he wants to come visit me. and the 
visitation in itself is not out of the ordinary - we have remained close 
friends throughout the years. but he wants to come visit me on valentine's 
day. and as much as i try to ignore the possible connotations that might 
include, i find it difficult to do so.

my life is spinning itself in this intricate ring, and more than anything 
i feel this strange desire to simply escape, and run, far away, and get 
out, become thoreau, lock myself in the openess of the woods and mountains 
and search deep within myself to understand why it is that i continue to 
attract this unending chaos around me, why my life is an utter catalyst, 
and why i seem to try to self-destruct every good thing that has ever 
happened to me - save, of course, my daughter.

i just have a lot of discovery to do, i suppose. guess it's time to 
pollish down my telescope and set to see. some things you can only search 
within yourself for, and even then, the treasure maps won't help very 
much.