what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

does charlotte have lead in her veins, or only fire? what composes a 
human, what desiginates certain hemispheres to happen at the exact 
specific times they are needed? magic. it's all it has to be. these little 
tricks in sleight of hand, i am sure you might have learned it somewhere 
in the back seat of the bus in elementary school, with neon yellow colour 
crayons and quarters, but blind them with a taste of the truth, that's 
what always gets you...here i have been, falling over myself, tripping 
over tears, plunging myself through every emotional wringer i could, 
writing more into the margins and more and more until finally i could not 
even see what sentence i was amending anymore, my life covered in red ink, 
it really took something like this to clear the chalkboard for me. while i 
was sniffling over the possibilities of love lost and found and lost 
again, while i was throwing temper tantrums and while i was letting myself 
be trampled upon by the centripital force of my emotional ferris wheel, 
the phone rang, and through lifetimes and lightyears of christmas trees 
and chicken wire, of army caps and flannel winter coats, i heard the words 
that stunned me into there here and now, more than anything ever could, 
words i have been dreading for a hundred years...

"your grandfather has had a heart attack."

what did i know of tragedy, of pain, of sorrow, that could not be summed 
up in that moment frozen in fear, of what might happen, of what has 
happened? all of this play-acting, all of these rehearsals to finally 
confront something real, something worth crying about. in that instant, i 
realized how completely meaningless all of this other ridiculous emotional 
trauma really was. "who am i? why am i here? what is it that i am seeking 
in this strange place, day after day? i knew a moment ago, but i've 
forgotten..." silliness. i know who i am. all i have to do is quit looking 
at myself through someone else's glasses for a change and see me for who i 
really am. and in that moment, that lightning second when those words 
breathed themselves to me over the reciever, everything that i ever was or 
ever would be coursed through me with an almost disturbing clarity...what 
is important? life and love, in their purest forms. analyzing them only 
scratches them up, if you dissect something you might be able to guess at 
what makes it work, but usually you only end up with a strange, shriveled 
anomoly that reeks of flamadohyde. (and yes, i know, if my spelling was 
any more atrocious, it would kill me. just bear with me, here.) those 
moments, feeding the fish, sitting in ninety degree heat with the 
possibility dangling at the end of a fishing pole, all of the camoflague 
caps and the war stories, all of the inventions my grandfather never got 
to patent, the times when i was younger when he would attack me with his 
"buzzards" and tickle my ribs, when he would show me how an indian squaw 
whips her youngin' when i finally reached the day where i could stand 
there staring at him while his rough leathery skin scrapped my forearm, 
all of the cows, the pigs, the chickens, all of the games of poker, of 
two-player solitare, of watching wheel of fortune, of eating chocolate, of 
sitting out on the front porch watching as mud dawbers built their little 
homes on the wood and thinking about reincarnation and alternate 
universes...all of this, gone, forever, in the blink of an eye, my 
grandfather, the immortal, who survived lung cancer, who completely 
remodeled house and yard, another house and another yard, took care of 
acres of land and garden, who worked more than any young rascal out of his 
first fur using only one lung...seventy eight years old, still building 
chicken houses, still remolding my little nest, placing air conditioning 
systems in, still with his wonderland of flowers...and the only thing that 
mattered to me at that moment was to be near my grandfather. and so i left 
my world behind yet again and chased my family end and out of hospitals, 
always by my grandfathers side, until the procedure was finally finished 
and they let him find his way home. and in those days, something happened 
in me that i never thought ever would. the fire in my soul ignited and 
blazed bright, my voice rose from its non-existant pitch to a commanding 
tone, my arms carried responsibilities i never thought i ever would carry, 
and i kept myself emotional calm in reasonable during the time when the 
rational ones were pulling their hair out and loosing control. all of this 
strength inside that i had often sensed but never dared to believe it 
might actually be mine. i had been short-changing myself all this time. 
and here i was, sure as certain in my chaos as ever, able to soothe my 
emotions and not panic, able to be something and someone i never thought 
possible. me. charlotte. standing on two feet and taking care of someone 
else for a change. a few someone else's. me? oh yes. i am quite aware now 
that i can do anything i want, be anyone i want. it's one thing to say it, 
and quite entirely another to really believe it. there is so much left to 
do, so much i know i will accomplish. a million doors opening for me, and 
only yesterday i didn't even think i could reach the handle.

and of course, when sorrows come, they come not in single spies, but in 
battallions...(shakespeare is always right, even if i can't quote him 
correctly)...so many other minor problems, involving money and finance, 
break-ins, conflicts, just more little annoyances...still nothing compared 
to the shock of my grandfather. though he is on his way to recovery, which 
is the important thing.

my fears, my doubts, my reconcilations, they have all been washed away 
with the salt-ridden tide. here i stand, with a daisy in one hand and a 
bag of cotton candy in the other. here i stand, my fists strong if they 
need be, my laughter loud, and all of it alive, which is the important 
part. i have found myself bickering with tam for the past few months about 
silliness, about not feeling important, or special, about him not being in 
love with me, about misconceptions, and being misled, and other things we 
don't see eye to eye on. the fact is, had i realized my strength in the 
first place, had i known exactly what i was capable of, had i smiled and 
laughed and gone on my merry way, and let him know, simply, if something 
bothered me, instead of either bottling it all up inside, or letting it 
explode into something that bled over the edges of canvases, none of this 
would ever had happened. i would have been confident enough in myself to 
not need his constant reassurance, and i would not have found myself often 
trying to condescend to his often domineering personality. the last thing 
he wants is for me to change for him, but often his air commands that out 
of people. "be perfect, or you can't be as good as me." but i am perfect, 
at least as perfect as an alice can be, just alice, which is all there 
needs to be. and i really understand that now, it's a lot more than just 
words floating across the screen. alice is a very amazing and incredible 
person just being her, with amazing and incredible friends, and she is 
capable of doing things she never even dreamed of. i don't need someone to 
tell me that everyday anymore. i don't need to seek out compliments and 
take every single little critism to heart, thinking i am horrible person 
because of it. i am doing the best that i can, and i am rather happy with 
the way things are turning out. i don't have to change, to undergo a 
million personality face-lifts. i am pretty much who i am going to be for 
the rest of my life now, and i really like the girl, i think she's going 
to do something great, like have an adventure, like eat lots of apples, 
like be in love. that's all i've got to do. and that's easy.

and tam, his criticims, or his moments of pushing me away, or his little 
odd quirks of needing worship, or whatever it is that causes him to do 
some of the things that i simply cannot understand, that make me pull my 
hair out in frustration, that on the worst of nights cause me to curl up 
into my covers and cry myself to sleep, none of it matters. i love him. at 
this moment i can think of no one i would rather have with me, in my life, 
beside me, around me, within me...and when my mind wanders, the universe 
always has paticular ways of reminding me how fickle and useless the human 
heart can sometimes be, in awe of you one day and forgetting you the next, 
chasing butterflies in the field of life...my soul has always longed for 
faerie tales, for pixie dust, for happily ever after and not a care in the 
world, but the greatest stories have their villians, and demons, and dark 
sides...there's always a wicked stepmother, or a vicious dragon, or one of 
the happy faerie tale couple doesn't realize that the other is the perfect 
one for them...even tommy had to leave his fiona in brigadoon before he 
realized she was all he wanted in the world...things like this happen. and 
even so, it is happening, and if it wasn't supposed to, it wouldn't. as 
much as i play with runes, and cards, and dice, i really know no fortunes, 
i really know no futures. i stand here empty handed in the game of life, 
preparing to be surprised at any moment. i have been scampering around, 
trying to find the end of the tunnel, trying to prepare for futures upon 
futures...and why? i stand here, with both my wings, set to aim themselves 
to whatever dreamscape they wish. i toss the reins of destiny aside and 
will let whatever happen just...happen. it's easy enough. all you have to 
do it breathe. the most valuable thing puck ever taught me, and the one 
lesson i keep forgetting the most. i know who i am, and what it is i want, 
and perhaps i have not always been swept away in the charm and the wit and 
the beauty of my angel, perhaps i have been cautious to stand on firm 
ground before i slip and fall into the hard water that scratched me so 
badly before...but i don't know. i doubt i am any wiser know than i was a 
year ago, but i don't care. i am happy where i am. the clarity is there, 
even when the fog rolls in. sometimes i might think i am dissappearing 
into the night, but i've only lost my sense of direction. i am here, with 
whatever set of rules i've composed for myself, with no boundaries but my 
own. and fantasia has no boundaries. and neither does love, as long as you 
let it.

i'm going to get hurt eventually, anyway. there's no point in stretching 
it out to cover any longer a span of time than it is supposed to. life is 
not as complicated as i have been making it lately. carrying my heart on 
this string around my neck, i worry so much about it breaking. and yet who 
is chewing on the chord as we speak? me, of course. just me. i refuse to 
dissect, or analyze, or worry. this is my life, after all. and i know i am 
a pretty spectacular person. i wouldn't have so many wonderous friends if 
i wasn't. and i am extremely lucky. for the simple fact that my 
grandfather is asleep in the next room. alive. and so am i. what else can 
i ask for? being alive, there is nothing more of a miracle than that. as 
long as you are alive, anything in this world, in this universe, in this 
reality, is possible.

and you know something else? take out the "v" and replace it with "c" and 
you've got yourself an "alice." and that's all.