dream a little dream

so many stories. i keep getting lost. yes i'll finish the story, but not 
today...i have too many stories of my own to figure out, the 
discombuberated mesh of alice kinda flailed out and dissected, wings 
pinned down by the sharp edges of her own scientific mind...butterfly 
wings with the little iron hooks in, look, see, here, my innards, my 
guts...look, this is the taste of my blood...this is the way i dream. 
look, see. alice has been expecting too much, and expectation can only 
lead to eventual dissappoinment...here in the aftermath of the afteryear 
when i was a queen onstage and a princess and i had the universe under my 
thumb and all was glitter and leaves and puck's tree and my bower and 
alice barefoot and alice in overalls and alice in gypsy skirts and it only 
gets better...the ultimate living of life, just like governor's school so 
many years ago, with my three angels and rainaneve with her benny and joon 
music and all of the other souls i met in that month of 
heaven...perfection is a dance that not anyone can do, and especially not 
me, not here tonight, and wrong it is for me to have those sort of 
expectations about anyone else or anything else...release, let go, the 
past is no longer here. it happened, it was wonderful, but longing for it 
can help you no more alice...some lives are meant to die peacefully, and 
you keep reawakening their spirits, picking at the scabs...you could 
easily forget all about the puck now if only you'd let yourself, if only 
you would stop thinking about him. and maybe you could still think but 
stop wishing to be back there....a year has passed and yes it was heaven 
and yes it was you and the jupiter girl walking on water but it's over, it 
was wonderful but now it's gone, and if you keep getting lodged in the 
margins trying to keep the past close behind you're never going to get 
anywhere, nothing wonderful will ever happen again, you know this...stop 
trying. you are what you are and not everything in life is pretty, but it 
doesn't have to be, remember? it still is, whether they like it or not, 
whether or not they want to believe it...this is you. and here. isn't that 
enough? what else do you want? what else could you ask for? let the ghosts 
lie, alice dear, stop dancing on their graves...you'll only pull your own 
tears out and continually live in this inbetween state where you once were 
and where you're not now, unable to experience life and love and all of 
those mysteries exploding around you every day...wake up, alice! why go 
back to wonderland when there's a looking glass staring at you? come on, 
chin up, this is it, it's all you got, now or never...and if you trudge 
through the past, make shallow comparisons, and muck yourself under with 
so much sludge, you will suffocate and completely inable to see the 
truth...so come on. buckle your shoes. out the door with you girl. forget 
about heaven for a while...you came here for a reason, why not try to find 
it?