the april fool (101 reasons why alice should never be married)

so today i got to drink my own adrenaline. today i spat out the chewy ends 
of the licorice stick of the past... today i understood why it was i 
should never be married, just because my mind flashes on and off and 
electrocutes all too near...hiss hiss stay away never does alice want to 
play.... i was an april fool today, the fool of a fool of a fool, truth is 
so completely transparent...everyone can see through it, except me. truth, 
doesn't everybody have their own truth? truth, like everthing else, like 
me, is relative...so what is his truth? is his truth my truth? does it 
kind of drop and fall underneath and whither away into the midnight? truth 
is so cheap, no one uses it any more. it's really april fool's day every 
day, and i am always the fool, there are snakes but i don't see them... so 
why be afraid? only sometimes they hiss, only sometimes their forked 
tongues lick at my heels and send fire through my veins on this adrenaline 
rush like acid candy sticking to the roof of my mouth and not letting me 
sleep...and there, the ashley girl in the skating rink, she knows all, she 
reminds me that people should only be themselves and not try to ever be 
anyone else except who they are...ultimate wisdom in a nine year old 
tomboy, and that's what i mean when i say that the clouds have their 
stories too...that's what i mean by all of this, that passion and poetry 
have their places beside the stagelamps with logic and reason and they 
dance...or skate around the rink a few times...a few more time and then 
your feet hurt... of course i am under the impression that all ashley 
girls must be bearers of ultimate wisdom, with that special ability to say 
the right things at the right times...except for stuart's ashley girl, but 
her eyes are so red anymore and swollen like the tattoo on her ankle no 
one pays her much attention, not even stuart, or stuart's blades...

so yeah. i am a fool. a million fools swirled around and i keep thinking 
and dreaming and fumbling through the labyrinth...as alice's definition of 
reality has been so shady anyway, to find truth in something so chaotic is 
nearly impossible...when you can not even decide what is real and what is 
not, how can you possibly pretend to know truth when you see it, and even 
when that truth is questioned by someone with a bit better eyesight than 
you, you still do not know the difference...it makes no difference. to 
live, to love. to smile, and laugh. to find ashley girls in skating rinks 
and drink surge slushies. that's all that matters. i could completely 
dissect every conversation he's ever had with me, but he could come up 
with half a million facts as to why my hypotheses were wrong. so i won't, 
it doesn't matter. i'll kick up my heels and pretend what he's 
pretending... illusions, deceptions, mirages, she whispered, the unicorn 
in the cage...but what if the poor old ape with the twisted foot WAS 
really a satyr?

so alice is never getting married. she's said this many times before to 
many different little boy blues (especially the mumbles boy, though 
sometimes me thinks he would have been the only one who could have 
possibly put up with all of alice's craziness. of course, love wasn't 
there, not on her part. it never is. it's always her fault in these 
things.) alice is not getting married because she doesn't know where she 
will be tomorrow, she doesn't know where her shoes will end up on whose 
doorstep at what hour, she doesn't know what truth is, she'll never grow 
up past the age of seven, she'll always hear the hands and the faces 
calling her home, there is a gypsy blood in her toes ringing the bells on 
her dress saying "fly, fly!" she's never been her own girl and she needs 
to, every once in a while, and she's too picky, and she doesn't fall in 
love very easily, (well, that's not exactly true...alice falls in love too 
easily, with everyone, with everything, but it's not the right kind of 
love, there's something corrupt about it...maybe if i give that part of my 
soul to the computer science majors they can run a program and debug it 
and make everything better...), she has too many wives for a husband to 
support (with kira and rainaneve and the jupiter girl and alestar and the 
catwoman, if she wants...among countless others...raven angel, though i 
doubt nick would give her up so easily...), i have a short attention span, 
i can't spell, or cook, or make cookies, or clean house, or do any of 
those useful things, since i have no experience with a father, i think the 
first time the other guy stuck his nose into what MY kid was doing i'd 
have to go run across country and hitchhike with the papoose on my 
back...so what to do? i'm not sure if those were 101 reasons, but they 
were enough, all i can think of now, with my words all grungy and stained 
and left in the bottom of my closet too long with the millions of clothes 
i have yet to clean...so what? i'm only alice, alice and nothing else...i 
tried so long so hard to be the perfect girl, but if the alice falling 
down a lot in giggles and the alice blowing bubbles and the alice without 
her name caught isn't good enough, i don't care--i don't give a shit. i am 
what i am and that's all that i am...popeye said that, and he was my hero 
when i was little, just because he reminded me so much of my grandfather, 
just because my grandfather is really god and everyone should worship 
him...

i almost destroyed this entire thing, this journal. in my technological 
wars with the rest of the world and the inner conflict within between the 
nature-hiking hippie chick and the logical html writing non-computer 
science major, and the fact that i think it began as some lame attempt to 
be adored in the eyes of someone who i think adores me but you're never 
quite sure about these things, you know? just because he would read 
everyone else's so maybe if i had one he would read mine too and then i 
would be cool just like everybody else *giggle giggle giggle*

OH LOST GIRLS KILL ME NOW FOR BEING SO GODDAMNED STUPID!!! *grrrrr*

i'm really not depressed. or upset. or anything. i just have a lot and 
tons and even more aggression to rid myself of after such a torrid 
day...it will pass. everything does. the universe knows what it is doing, 
and if it is time for me to leave, then i will go... though i think i just 
realized why i have always jumped from one relationship to 
another...because the only way the universe has ever been able to let me 
know that there was a relationship that had completely worn out its 
welcome in my life was to make me fall for somebody else... or at least 
WANT to fall for somebody else...this is all relative, of course. it's all 
silly. it's all alice's mind processing things. running it through the 
gutter. sweeping the leaves out.

anyway. if this page suddenly disappears, then you'll know what happened.

and i am really never getting married.