big brother is watching you

they're out there. i can feel them, just as chief bromden said...they're 
swirling the clouds up and down, like those hoop sticks...they keep 
wanting to pin me other, but i won't let them...they keep slipping bugs 
into my ears, they crawl up inside and nibble on the nerve endings and 
send pulse after pulse and pain through my head, and i want to scream and 
break the entire universe and it won't let me, won't let me out to 
breathe, just this bug in my inner ear gnawing and gnawing and it won't 
let me go...it hurts. it hurts, and they can see it, and they think it's 
good. my feet won't touch the ground anymore, there's just this stagnant 
puddle, this splish splosh and the funny sound of underwater development 
as the faces pass me, all of them, with their hats folded down, and their 
little embedded whispers of one thing or another, who shot who at the game 
last night, the little red-head boy calling, the class after class and 
grade after grade and the shuffle of feet and it's a spin, i can still 
feel my head on backwards and the peeling is coming off...raven said i was 
talking in my sleep again, i do that too much, the muffled ramblings of a 
writer in distress, help me, help me! it's quicksand, i want to scream, 
they think they know better, but we're all getting stuck...why can't we 
move? it's a frown they want, it's a frown and a creae in my brow to age 
me, they want to see even more of my hair grow gray, they want this 
flutter in my chest to explode and take me down with it...no. i don't die 
so easily and i'm not ready yet, and neither is my laugh, is that what 
you're after? the sparkle in my eyes and the twinkle toes feeling of being 
lighter than air, lighter than light? you know i could have been one of 
you, one of the puppeteers, but no, i took the other end, and you know 
why, and it's killing you...ha ha look! i can feel, i can feel and you 
can't, nah nah nah nah nah....you want it? this smile? come take it from 
me, i dare you, double dog and triple it twice, ain't no way, ain't no way 
you'll ever get it, just keep trying...i know you're there. putting bugs 
in my ears and haunting my dreams, sending haywire messages to me through 
computer chips...i'm not stupid. but i refuse, i will not, i can't, i 
won't...out of my tree, you cucumber vine! to hell with you and the horse 
you rode in on...do you think, even for a moment, you can steal my 
happiness as easy as that? that's what you think, that's what you're 
thinking...i love. i love and you can't, so ha! so go and wallow in your 
nest, we don't want none of you, stupid men. go back to your curtain and 
hide there, lest the sun burn you, lest you actually cry, my god, actually 
feel something...i'm tired of you. back, back to your corner. get your 
paws out of mine, my cake isn't for you. and i'll keep smiling just 
because i can. and i'll keep making all the others laugh because i know 
how. and you...go talk to some fish, you seamonkey turtle! you're 
nothing...you have no power over me.