October 5, 2026
Will it ever get better?

I feel like I've been circling the cesspool of a serious depressive episode for some time now. I'm able to "fake 
it" when I have to -- almost to the point where I belive it -- like when I'm at work, or around others. I can 
forget about it when I'm tipsy or drunk, which I suppose is part of why I drink so often these days. But I'm 
wrestling with the ongoing struggles that just keep pounding my life and, if I'm being honest, I feel like I'm 
drowning. Or I feel like I've been treading water for so long that just slipping away into nothingness feels 
really damn appealing sometimes.

I've spent my life navigating other people's emotions, trying to manage their relationships with myself and with 
the people around me, especially when it comes to family. I'm the one who reaches out, I'm the one who instigates 
visits (if they happen), I'm the one who's always struggled to make sure everyone is getting along okay. And when 
the kids were little, that was easy. They LOVED time with Nana and Papaw. They'd rather be over there than over 
here. I had to pry them home most weekends. The adventures they hand over there were beautiful and amazing and 
made my heart so happy. It all felt nourishing and nurturing and RIGHT. And I was nourished, too.

But now, the kids are older. Kes is practically a teenager. Kye will be ten years old in just a few months. They 
are hitting that stage of development where time with their peers is significantly more important than time with 
their family. They are looking to define themselves outside of what they've always known, and what we've always 
given them. It's especially hard for Kes because he doesn't have a strong peer group to turn to most of the time. 
But the relationships between them and their grandparents are slowly eroding and it is heartbreaking to watch, and 
heartbreaking for them to endure. I feel like I need to fix it, but I don't know how. The more I push, the worse 
it seems to be.

And that's just on top of everything else. Kes' mental health. Our lousy luck this year. Ongoing health issues of 
family members. The loss of our beloved pet. It's been a right shitty year, honestly. And I feel so completely 
isolated and no longer connected to anyone. Who can I turn to for advice? Or comfort? I have Thomas, and he is 
amazing, but I hate burdening him with so much all of the time. 

Additionally, I've also got to come to terms with the fact that I have to be SOMEONE ELSE outside of my connection 
to my family. I'm not just a mom. I'm not just a child-in-law. I'm not just a spouse. Who am I, outside of the 
roles that have been built for me? I retreat into work because that's easy. But the kids are going to keep pushing 
away. My self-worth can't hinge on their success or failure. I can love them, but they are not mine. And what does 
or does not happen with them does not dictate whether or not I'm a worthy person. 

I just feel so lost and empty, and I hate feeling like this. I don't know what the right thing is to do here. I 
wish I did. I wish I could fix it.