Postdoc I

In september I started my postdoc on the US West coast and moved
across the world, away from my family and partner for this. It's
been incredibly hard.

Firstly, I really miss my partner. Things have settled a bit and
we've found a good routine of talking every day (big YAY for wireless
technology and modern cellular networks), but of course that's not
the same as actually being in the same space physically. She'll
visit me for the holidays and I'm really looking forward to that.
I'm so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.

Secondly, I miss my family, my brothers, the family pets (2 cats
and 2 dogs, as well as a temporarily visiting cat). They'll come
visit me though, my younger brother first, some time early next
year. It's gonna be his first time in the states, so that's quite
exciting. My parents will visit a few months later. They've been
to the Bay Area many many years ago and have always been quite fond
of it. I hope they'll enjoy their stay then. Finally, my older
brother and his partner will also visit, but probably not until
2025.

At the moment I'm sitting in the deparutre hall of SFO international
airport, as I'm flying back home for a week. This stay was initially
not planned, but as it turned out there's an event I need to attend,
and to be honest the week of rest is quite necessary. Settling in
has been very stressful, my mental health problems have acted up
quite a bit again, and generally, I think I've not fully acclimatized
to my new work environment.

Academia is hard, and I wonder whether I'm actually cut out for
it. As fate had it I was not able to get a first author publication
during my PhD, which is due to my former PI's weird publishing
policy (essentially, everything has to be highest impact). It's
too complicated of a story to go into much detail, but I'm not the
first student for which things turned out that way, or similarly.
In fact, I'm one in a handful by now, and I believe this convincingly
demonstrates that this lack of publications is therefore not on
me. I took plenty of data actually, and the results and implications
are quite interesting in itself. I believe that this would be enough
for multiple publications, it'll be a while until this will see
the light of day though, if at all. Quite frustrating.

I'm very grateful for my current PI taking me in. He's very
understanding of the situation and I think that ultimately my future
will be brighter than my past. Yet, it is hard to shake off the
feelings of inadequacy caused by my situation. Thoughts like 'Did
I actually deserve that doctorate then?', or 'Do I actually deserve
the position I got for my postdoc?'. If ever I become a PI, I want
to be different. I want my students to leave my group with confidence
that they've done good work, and that they can now proceed towards
new unexplored and exciting territory.

One thing I've really put off so far is writing a fellowship
application. I think this is mostly due to me feeling that I wouldn't
get one anyway due to my less-than-unimpressive publication record.
But my current PI was quite encouraging. He said that if I don't
try I'll never know. So after a few days of rest at home I'll start
drafting something. I already have some ideas.

In the end, I think my future is going to be brighter than my past.