date: Thu 14 May 2026 09:58:19 PM PDT
subj: time flowing faster
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I'm getting older, and I realize at some conscious level, sub,
or direct, time is not on my side. Thinking about computing, why
should I do it anymore, doesn't it provide anything to me and
the people in my life, is certainly a valuable thread of
thoughts. I'm continuously assessing past times in my life.
Today I see what looks like a poor use of time. The years of
reading law books, responding to motions. The years of studying
computing shtuff (as my professor would say, shtuff), the
playing of games, the mischief, watching movies, playing video
games, walking in the woods, worrying, working my ass off, not
suffering more and focusing harder, focusing hard and suffering,
giving up my time on getting a degree, and chasing a career,
telling people what I think (they have their own thoughts),
these kind of things. I wonder if thoughts like that are
determinations based on my current situation, values, and
priorities, and not accurate assessments of the past. In the
past what I was doing was what I thought or likely didn't think
at all, but rather I was just doing. I think about some of it
now and sometimes regret it, or imagine I could have been doing
something else. I have no idea if I would have wound up exactly
here just the same. ------- or maybe in a better place. I know I
really didn't question all of my choices much, that is the gift
of youth, you live. I suppose my choices were the best in my
mind for my circumstances, just like the ones I make today,
although I try to use my past experiences to assist my choices
and actions today, but that mostly brings about paralysis. Can
we truly be objective about what we do no matter the reason?
Nonetheless the mental act of evaluating these things; these
computer obsessions, or whatever they are, is it a sign itself?
Inside I think all I want to do is sit with her another moment,
see her smile at me another moment, see her happy with her
babies, another moment, lay next to her another moment, hear her
voice another moment, embrace her another moment, make love to
her another time, be in her presence another moment. Is that
obsession, addiction, hopelessness, grasping, love? Maybe all of
it at the same time. In the end is it healthy? Nobody can say,
and if they did I wouldn't be able to hear them anyway. 


Its sad, but pity won't help, its just the truth. all I want is
more of what I can't have, ... time, I'll have to find a way to
accept, I don't get more before my time is up, none of us do, And
the reader whoever you are will have to know this for yourself
as well. 

I know I'll be breaking my own heart, and that is what the
sadness is. The time I wish I had, not the time I spent, the
time I wish I had when I realized what I wanted I couldn't get
more of, or enough of because it was so wonderful, even in the
moment I didn't realize those moments were the best ones, the
ones I wanted.  Now I'm in a place I can't escape, just like
everyone else going to and from work, even when you don't want
to be there, knowing there is no choice, and doing it not just
for you but for those around you, for a standard, or perhaps for
mere survival, and the grump that comes from you, takes away
from the greatness and love of the moments you are desperately
wanting, hoping, waiting, postponing, seeking to have, but when
they come will never have been enough. Then its all over, the
time you'll never get ever again.

Thinking about it all is the heartbreak, again and again each
time I do, and with each time the tears come. So each day I
fight to extend enough time for one more moment, never knowing
how many I'll have, how many those I love will have, how long
what I have will be available to offer the opportunity of a
moment the only kind that matter to us/me, that smile, that
laugh, the embrace, the connection. The connection that is more
than the words on the screen late at night all alone, hoping,
even desperate for a response, all of us here, just like that
right now, sending, seeking, all the messages in the bottles, in
a sea of bottles. Wondering if there is a oneness there for us
all to be embraced by, waiting for every last one of us to join
before departing. Please wait for us! All of us! Don't give up
on any of us! It takes life times to learn, but we can, just
don't leave us. Then we can all be together, connected again.