date: Mon 01 Sep 2025 08:21:36 PM PDT subj: Twins not so easy at 53.5 or any age ----------------------------------------------- At age 53.5 I wonder if I can do it. Being a father this age is a scary thing. My friends have children in college or finished with college. Some with more children still have a ways to go, but are well on their way. I'm just starting out. It feels a bit like being on razors edge, out here with no "village" its a gamble. Its like being frail or on the edge of frailty. A young man's game I was told by a couple of people. I guess I'm a little off to venture into this game as an older man. It took a long time to get to my dream of raising a family. My last chance and I guess my desires override my left-brain good sense. My desires for a dream vs playing it safe. Like many people emotions play a part and I'm often just not in as much control as I like. I dreamt of the good side of things, the experiences I want to have and create, and put aside the research and data. Right now I'm not sure if anyone took research to heart and mind, they would have children. Times are rougher than they were 25 years ago, and extra rough for someone with little financial runway left. I wonder what is ahead? Is it the lessons of stupidity regret remorse, sorrow, and sadness? Or is it finally joy, happiness, fidelity, commitment, and guidance? I can say this past year not long after conception, to four month old children, it has been more of the later. I pray Ohm Mani Padme Hum, the Buddhas are with me, with us, guiding me to serve my family, my children, for a chance they will grow up to be people that help others, and reduce suffering for others. Did the universe grant me these wishes, only time will tell, and I hope a lot of time it will be. The razors edge is a place where if one of us falls we may all fall, and its a terrifying thing to think about. As a younger man I would have never thought of these things. My family is small and old. My family of origin is gone. My friends of my youth are older and preparing to retire, not to mention they are states away from me. Like the grizzly bears in my nightmares that chase me, every step counts, every fall can break us, every attack could wind up with a debilitating injury. Twins are difficult, and I love them, they keep us up at night, they try our patients with their crying and calling. They bring us joy with their development, and smiles, koos, and laughter. They keep us busier than I've been before, in a way I've never experienced before. There is no stopping, not giving up, no day off, no rest, everything for them all the time. It is very hard. I don't wish multiples on any parent. My sister told me my brother said "twins are the hardest thing I've ever done." I can say at only four months now, I see what he means. I'm not quite ready to say its the hardest thing I've done, but I can say I see his words will likely be my words as well. I pray for health, strength, wisdom, good fortune, my wife. Let me see the path. Back to the dream of life, is this the dream to expand me, or push me and those in my life into the darkest holes of despair. I tend to think it could have been easier without granting me life, children, a family, so I'm doing my best to look at the brightest most brilliant of lights, with out fear. Fear is a powerful thing, and my turbulent past re-enforces fear, but happiness and joy are also powerful. Letting go means in many ways believing there is not control, no matter how much I grasp. Letting go of fear is seeing the brilliant. We all need a guide sometimes, to see fear isn't the way, so let me see my guide and walk this next thirty years into the dream I want to live, not the one I don't.