date: Tue 19 May 2026 09:52:31 PM PDT
subj: brand new but not alone
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Its getting close to bed time, second to the last diaper change
just completed. Sometimes event timing is measured in diapers. I
picked my son up off the changing table, looked at the dirty
diaper all wrapped up and thought, throwing the diaper away in
the garbage can outside is a perfect excuse for my son and I to
get outside for a few minutes. While holding my son, I grab the
diaper, walk out of the bedroom into the main hall, to the
barricade, step over it while holding my son, and walk down the
stairs to the front door. I open the door, holding my son and
the diaper, together I walk us outside. I walk across the front
yard in the high grass to the garbage can. On the way I look
over at my son, and he is looking all around. He hasn't been
outside in awhile, and the breeze is blowing on his face. I walk
up to the four-foot fence where the garbage can sits on the
other side of it, reach over and lift the lid of the can, drop
the diaper in, turn and walk back to towards the street. I stop
at the edge of the grass near the street and pavement, and look
at my son, he is smiling.

I can hear the birds are chirping loudly, there are groups in
the trees near us, and some on the grass at the corner of our
front yard near the utility pole. I point to the birds near the
corner, and tell my son, the sounds are birds. I watch the
birds, then I look at my son. His head is turned in the
direction across the street where I see a group of birds in the
neighbors yard. They are excited about something in the grass.
Some fly in from other areas and some fly out. I see the wind is
gently blowing the blooming trees, and the sounds of the wind
through the trees can be heard along with many different bird
song all around us. I look at my son and see his beautiful face,
his eyes watching the outside nature happening. He has an
expression of wonder, he seems to be listening intently. He's
never experienced a moment like this before. The time of evening
where the angle of the sun is low, with the breeze blowing
through the blooming trees, while all the birds are chirping
their different songs. He is experiencing it and being shown at
the same time with his father, who loves him, this moment is
happening with his father.  He doesn't really know I'm his
father at all, but he knows he is being carried in someone's
arms, there is nothing to be afraid of. He is becoming more
conscious with each passing day. His laughter at small things
like a piece of canned pineapple on his tray while he is eating,
an indicator his mind is growing. 


A few days before, I did a very similar thing with my daughter.
Late in the afternoon her brother was asleep. I had to get
something from the truck, so my daughter and I ventured outside.
There was a slight breeze that day as well, and the clouds were
sparse overhead but full and dark to the south. My daughter's
eyes were wide, and she expressed awe with her words and a
pointing gesture as the breeze whipped around her face. We
stopped to see the trees on the side of our yard swaying from
the breeze blowing her hair up around her ears. I carried her to
the truck, and got a piece of gum I was after. Next driveway in
the yard, low to the ground the blooming shrubs were covered
with bumble bees.  Their buzzing wings caught my daughters
attention.  We both took a moment to marvel at nature. I told
her those are bees. They are gathering food from the flowers.
She was mesmerized at the sound and the movement of all the
little creatures floating about below us. We watched and
listened to them for awhile before returning indoors to make
sure sleeping brother was doing OK. He was still sleeping so we
returned to playing. 

Experiences like these eventually fade deep into the core of our
mind. Their essence frayed and diffused amongst our mind like a
faint sent in the air. We are always searching for it, any
experience that touches frayed edges becomes monumental. We can
rarely reach them ever again as they rest deep in the core of
our mind and body. Viscerally our deep conscious knows there
exists a connection to the core where, warmth, togetherness,
security, and novelty exist all at the same time, codified as
safety. Our mind continuously urging us sometimes in desperation
to seek out a connection with another, in hope to share just a
hint of those similar experiences, which generate the feelings
from long past experiences connected to the core we received as
babies long ago. 


What joy to wonder at first experiences, truly firsts positive
experiences without categories. My wife and I are lucky to be
there with them for these. Although our minds have a running
network of experiences, we are blessed to share in theirs and
we're lucky to have been able to give each other these moments
as parents, as husband and wife.