+------------------------------------------------------------------
+title:  I was wrong - Guilelessness is stupidity
+date:   Thu, 13 Aug 2026 03:57:54 +0200
+author: -fab- fab@redterminal.org
+------------------------------------------------------------------

As I said in  an earlier post, it really seems,  I've too much time
to think. Today I want to write about my guilelessness mainly in my
youth. I'm nearly always guileless (still)  and I always was. But I
had  a lot  of trouble  with some  of my  fellow humans  - probably
because of that.

No matter where I was, if it was for a longer time, I've always had
an  unwanted rivalry  going  on. And  I never  took  care about  it
properly and  never really  learned how to  deal with  such things.
Instead I even showed these rivals,  who I never really regarded as
such *because* of  my guilelessness, how to do  things, they didn't
know or wanted to learn. Then those people could be very nice.

I always liked to show people  how to do for example Assembler with
the C64  in my youth,  while the other  people, lets face  it, were
more clever. They jealously hid their knowledge, and won't show you
anything, for  their own benefit against  you. And if they  had the
right chance  in the right  moment they gave  you a kick.  And that
really struck me, because I was  too stupid to understand it or why
this was necessary.

And I  had never  problems with learning  new things  or understand
some problem, for example in math or something. So in that regard I
was actually quite smart.

But for the human factor I was too stupid! Because I never regarded
the people as "rivals" or even  "enemies". In fact there were boys,
who I  thought were  my *friends*,  who in  reality were  just sly,
which I only realized years after our paths separated.

With the girls  I had far less  problems. I can honestly  say I was
mostly  liked.  I  just  always  fell  for  girls  which  were  not
"reachable" for me. Which is another stupidity but that's something
I can forgive myself.

After  school,   during  my  apprenticeship,  then   there  was  an
*incident*, which I won't talk  further about, but which completely
ruined my  life. After that, nothing  worked at all, for  a time. I
had  to drop  out of  my  apprenticeship and  a long,  long way  of
suffering began.  I started to drink,  and I was unbearable  for me
and other  people. And in  reality I  felt extremely lonely.  But I
managed to stop drinking and the healing began when I was around 35
years old. I found a new friend,  only one, but a *real* one. Sadly
he died later  much to early after a surgery,  where something must
have  gone wrong  and the  doctors  must have  made some  mistakes,
because it  was actually a  routine surgery.  But I don't  know the
details about that. But I still miss him.

But I found a new friend, who *was* a friend, but he was difficult,
and  I was  still not  stable  enough to  handle that  so our  ways
separated.

After that I found a new  friend, who later married and moved away,
so I  see him  and his wife  very seldom. But  I don't  feel lonely
anymore. I don't know why, but I won't *search* for friends anymore
and I  still have  my problems  with groups of  people. So  I avoid
them.

But after all that really troublesome life and all the suffering, I
can  say,  I'm finally  happy!  Some  people might  not  understand
this, but  for me,  I've accepted  that I  can't have  any constant
relationship with  groups. And I  don't want that anymore.  I don't
need the trouble, which *would surely* occur.

I have the feeling people *could*  get along with me very well. But
for  some  reason, after  a  while,  at  least some  people  search
conflict, for reasons that are beyond me.

I'm 51 years  now, I've accepted that,  I can't deal with  it and I
don't need  it. And I  can live my life  happily anyway. I  have my
computer hobby  and can work  on my  private projects at  night and
sleep all day if  I wish. I don't need to  take care about anybody,
yet, because my mom begins to get  old and will need my help sooner
or later. But she's one of the  very few persons, whom I really owe
something, because  even on my  worst days she  stood by me.  And I
don't want her to live in a retirement home as long as possible.

What I want to say as final words is: Guilelessness *is* stupidity,
although I don't want to regard all people as possible enemies, and
actually it's a sad discernment.

All in all - Have fun, and don't be an asshole, it's not needed.
-fab-