------------------------------------------------------------------- +title: Solitude - My Confession +date: Sun, 11 Aug 2024 07:41:44 +0200 +author: -fab- ------------------------------------------------------------------- _________ .__ .__ __ .___ / _____/ ____ | | |__|/ |_ __ __ __| _/____ \_____ \ / _ \| | | \ __\ | \/ __ |/ __ \ / ( <_> ) |_| || | | | / /_/ \ ___/ /_______ /\____/|____/__||__| |____/\____ |\___ > \/ \/ \/ This is kind of a confession: The reading of "Social Hangover"[1] from Robert Birming really made me think of my social commitment and if I'm wrong or if I have a problem. And I think its the trigger for this post to get of my chest. The main thing is, I don't socialize very much in real life (and also not really in the online world). I live alone and the only enduring relationships I have is my best friend ever and his wife and my mom. But after the marriage of my friend they moved a few cities away and I only see them once or twice a year, although we have phone calls relatively often. But the thing is, I'm not lonely. In fact I feel really great since around 15 years without any other meaningful relationship. I live alone, have my own space without having to concern somebody. This is the actual situation and I think I can call myself *happy*. This was not always the case. In my youth/early adulthood I had a massive PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I couldn't live alone - but I was terrible with other people and myself. I was extremely unbearable for others and also for myself. I got medication but I did self-medicate with alcohol - a lot of alcohol! Which made me even worse. And when I drank I drank so much that I regularly suffered from alcohol overdose. Sometimes I got in conflict with the police and awoke in arrest. But one day, when I awoke with alcohol overdose again, something made *click* in my brain. I'm not sure what it was and I'm an agnostic so I don't really believe in divine intervention, but I DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL THIS SICK ANYTIME AGAIN! But that was not the real miracle. The real miracle was that I not only never drank again - no! I also don't miss it or had ANY craving to drink from that day on. And I thought I don't need anybody - they hate me anyway (for good reason). So I left myself in solitude and the real healing began. In the rare encounters I had with my neighbors or at the supermarket (I also moved to another apartment where I was unknown) I was much, much more sociable and friendly and even had some really friendly conversations with "normal" people. These are seldom but they make me happy. But from that day on I only have VERY few relationships (in reality I had *none* before) and I'm happy with that. This solves a lot of problems for me and I'm not overwhelmed with responsibilities for other people. And I can honestly say, the last 15 years were happy years. My life is quiet and boring and I like it that way. I'm nearly 50 years old now and this massive change in my life was 15 years ago from now. I just hope for another few good years until I rest in peace. This is also the reason why I use an online pseudonym and don't want to tell my real name - I have a past. And not a good one. So that's my story. All in all - have fun! -fab- [1] https://birming.com/social-hangover/