RECHUMOR.TXT

Perfesser Pundit's rejoinders from the news:rec.humor newsgroup
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Last modified Sun 10-February-2002 11:32:44

"pun [noun]. The humorous use of a word, or words which are formed
or sounded alike but have different meanings, in such a way as to
play on two or more of the possible applications."

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          "Discussion is futile. You will be distorted."

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>Please post humor relating to fruitcake (the eating variety).
Piece of cake!

Subject: Re: NEED PRANK**!
Check http://www.prank.com

:> :OK, so like where's the joke? This is rec.humor right?
:> Right, left and center.
:What about above and below?
Above all below.
:The diagonals?
Right across.
:In front and behind?
Behind the front.

Subject: Re: Canibal
Hey! Who the heck cannibalized even the subject?

Subject: Re: How to Annoy people
:>:Me too!
:>Well done.
:I prefer mine medium rare.
That's extremely common.

:I am looking for any Math tricks.
No treat.

Subject: Re: Moderated Newsgroups
:try
:rec.humor.funny
Yes. Very trying.

Subject: Re: You know you are a computer junkie when....
You frequent rec.humor for your daily dose.

Subject: Re: Funniest store names???
Any more in store?

> I  need alot of money badly; Could anyone help?
Simple. Cash in at the organ bank.

:You peoples are starting to annoy me...
Gee, how ambitious! Taking on all nations?

:Confucious Say: "Never pee on electric fence"
Where did he steal _that_ one from?
Confucius Also Say: Who this Confucious impostiour?

Subject: Re: Canibal
Is someone with a tongue in cheek a cannibal?
Does a cannibal have a foot in mouth?
Is a canibal a cannibalized cannibal?

Subject: Re: old or retirement jokes
:Would appreciate some. Thanks.
No problem. Most of the jokes posted here are old.

:>this is just a test!!!!
:Well it didn't work.  You and I are the only ones who got it.  Try
:again.
I don't get it. I get it.

>Did you hear about the cannibal who came home from holiday with only
>one arm and one leg?~
That's a lame joke.
(Courtesy of a fellow punster with unfortunately a bouncing email
address.)

Subject: Re: Henry Kissinger revisited
:>But I thought it was power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts
:>absolutely.
:That's the idea!
Absolutely!

Subject: Re: You know you are a computer junkie when....
:>You frequent rec.humor for your daily dose.
:You use it as a laxative?
Emetic, rather.

Subject: Re: The Metric System
A North American wrote:
:Our monetary system IS metric
Your $0.02's worth?

:What does a constipated mathematician do?
:Work it out with a pencil.
Nah! You do it!

Subject: Re: WHY DO FORIEGNERS HATE THE US
For the grossposting?

: Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Anyway, it is a stiff shift.

:I was just downtown in Pittsburgh today, and I walked by an Italian
:restaurant called "Mama Pina's". If you say it outloud, it's funny.
Even writing outloud is funny.

:Did you hear about the new corduroy pillow? Its really making headlines!
No, I didn't. Don't keep us in suspense. What is a pillow's really?

:There is a small bar in Oregon called "Liquor in the Front and Poker in
:the Rear" - seriously
We are not serious in here - jokingly

:The following was forwarded to me by someone that allegedly paid
:$250 for a cookie recipe.
Obviously not a cookie.
(You figure it out)

Subject: Re: F*** You ALL...
Weasel wrote:
:Timo Salmi wrote:
:>Weasel wrote:
:>:Timo Salmi wrote:
:>:>The ambition and promiscuity of some people!
:>:>
:>:>   All the best, Timo  (aka Perfesser Pundit in rec.humor)
:>:
:>:     Eh?  Didn't quite catch that one :)
:>
:>It's just a greeting, like "yours sincerely".
:
:       I meant the "The ambition and promiscuit of some people" part :)
:
Hook, line and sinker.

Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Re: Tit Jokes Wanted
Try an avian newsgroup.

Subject: Re: To all fellow programmers
May the source be with you.

:Q: How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
:A: just one, but they *want* to use all their force!
Sounds a bit fuzzy.

Subject: Re: Funny ways to answer the phone
Larry Bristol wrote:
:Incontenance hotline. Can you hold, please?
Whew! How to keep one's countenence?

Subject: Re: Toilet problems
:there just aren't any more jokes to tell, you can start numbering
:the old ones so you can just say, for example, "63!" and everybody
:starts roaring with laughter.
Ok! Yours is number 2L8.

:Please post some Magic or Magician related jokes.
Just conjure up a few.

:do you have good jokes about germans ?
Sorry, I have none germinating.

:Try_typing_a_real_long_joke_with_underscores_between-each_and_every_word.
:Or-better-still-dashes-!
Dashingly witty.

:looking for airplane jokes.. in good taste please! ;)
Sorry, we can't cater to you.

Subject: Re: photography humor
:criminal with a mug shot complained vehemently....didnt want to be framed
That's what happens when one gets exposed.

:OBJ:  Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Easy. I answer to learn who can't get his numbers straight.

:What do you call a serial killer who only kills Catholics?
:A Mass murderer!
Hey, that's from the canonical list of jokes!

Stuart A. Bronstein wrote:
:The world is divided into two kinds of people.  Those who divide the
:world into different kinds of people, and those who don't.
:(I wonder which group I fall into.)
Logical, Stu. Into those who won't.

William J. Evans wrote:
:The world is divided into three kinds of people: those who can count,
:and those who can't.
Count me out.

:> The world is divided into three kinds of people: those who can count,
:> and those who can't.
:Let's hope they don't multiply.
Let's add that the world is divided on this issue.

Subject: Re: It's Almost Time for the Annual Bambi Shoot!
:Next Day  Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license
:           into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game
:           Department with detailed instructions on where to place it.
So much for the bambicide.

:What do men and parking spots have in common?
:The good ones are always taken, and the leftovers are always
:handicapped!
Don't you like golfers?

:have it the doctor amputated the wrong leg.
So, he was on his last leg!
:The man then had to have the
:leg with the tumor amputated but he could not sue because.
:HE DID NOT HAVE A LEG TO STAND ON!
Yuk. You have a terrible sense of tumor.

:> Does anyone have any good hunting jokes, especially on deer hunting?
Yes, someone shoot!

:>And pompous is spelled with an 'o'.  Thanks, though.
:Two o's, actually.
oh oh!

:But do you believe in capital punishment?
OH SURE. JUST WATCH, HERE GOES! CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.

Subject: Re: The Metric Sytem
:>:Count the people, then multiply by 2.
:>But not with a Pentium.
:Oops, I just did.  It came to be 5280.0183641083654851487 feet.
Aaaargh! Here we go again. We've already heard a 999.98979 of these
Pentium jokes.

: Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
You tell me. I am glueless.

Subject: Re: Joke needs punchine...
:What joke?  I didn't see any joke,...
Not pulling your punchines, eh?

:>Is this for real or is it a virus?
:I think it is a virus my machine crashed yetarday when I was down
:loadind
This is a new one. A keyboard driver virus!

:What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's disease?
:You can hide your own Easter eggs.
Hey, just a minute! How will you know that you have to hide the
Easter eggs?

:>hello jokes newsgroup, sorry I have to do this
:We are also sorry you found the need to do it.
Pardon my ignorance, but what else are we?

:This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual
:life you would have received further instructions on where to go
:and what to do.
See
 105100 Sep 14 1980 ftp://garbo.uwasa.fi/doc-misc/faqlife.zip
 faqlife.zip Further instructions on where to go and what to do

:Does anybody have any good animal jokes?
You mean really beastly ones?

Ron K. Hulen wrote:
:* Timo Salmi wrote:
:>Mike Pearson wrote:
:>:Wendy Aron wrote:
:>:>this is just a test!!!!
:>:Well it didn't work.  You and I are the only ones who got it.  Try
:>:again.
:>I don't get it. I get it.
:I had it, but then lost it.
Like the dean who lost his faculties?

:Hi could anyone tell me where i might find grammer checker
:freeware/public domain software? Tell me the site and what the
:softwear is called.
Best not commented.

:Will somebody send me a list of ways to catch people off guard?
Sorry, can't find it just now. Seem to have misplaced it somewhere.

:Pretty sad that so many people are buying computers just because
:"their friends have one".
It would be sadder still not having the friends.

:> Well, as the girls keep telling me - two of me is never enough!
:Are you sure they didn't mean "You're too much" ?
Huh? I read that rather as "You're too little".

:The college infirmary sent me to see Dr. Feely. I didn't want to go.
:Beth
But what did you do?

Subject: RE: for the election
:>Because we get a CHARGE out of it!
:>but these puns can get shocking!
:Not to mention occasionally reVOLTing.
Electrifying!

:We had a guy in our organization named Harry Butts. Can't imagine
:what his parents were thinking when they named him.
Probably about christening him.

:Could someone please post the canonical (complete) list of "Why
:beer is better than a woman"???
You worry too much. Just have your beer.

:>>help!!!  I need a few choice ones for an aging ex_geologist..
:>Getting stoned is not what it use to be, eh?
:Unless you have rocks in your head.
Hey this is fun. Let me add another sediment.

:Timo Salmi wrote:
:(another funny one-liner deleted)
:I am beginning to suspect that Timo is not a real Fin, he writes too
Eeeeek! You have found me out! Indeed, I am not piscine.

:How about:
:If at first you don't succeed, so much for javelin catching.
Careful! There might be a catch!

::Sorry. sqrt(-1) = undefined. The imaginary number "i" is defined as:
::                      i*i = -1
::There is a difference.
:The difference is imaginary.
But complex.

Subject: Re: Three Worst Words
:Honey, I'm home
:(OK "I'm" is technically two words, but hey, I don't give a shit)
Constipated?

:Q: Did you hear about the marching band that marched through a car wash?
:A: The tuba player drowned.
:(I made that up. Can you tell?)
It is a wash-out. If you'll be nice, I won't tell.

:could someone please post the canonical list of pickup lines.
Having dating problems?

Subject: Re: OXYMORONS
Marjorie wrote:
:How about:
:Grown men
Clever lady!

:If you must steal, steal from the best.
I told you so!

:looking for airplane jokes.. in good taste please! ;)
Let's see if we can wing it!

:BOB DOLE IS OLD
Old news!

:Anybody know any food jokes out there.
Let's see if we have any on our plate.

Margi Harris wrote:
:William J. Evans wrote:
:> Ron K. Hulen wrote:
:> :Gaven Miller wrote:
:> :>roland jones wrote:
:> :>> anybody out there have any jokes about debts or bankruptcy? Thanks.
:> :>I used to, but they were repossessed.
:> :That's not your default, Gaven.
:> And you're definitely not aloan on this one.
:He's right, we are all up to arrears in this one.
Let's consider this subject foreclosed.

Timo Salmi wrote:
:Timo Salmi wrote:
::Stuart A. Bronstein wrote:
:::Margi Harris wrote:
:::>Timo Salmi wrote:
:::>> Margi Harris wrote:
:::>> :Stuart A. Bronstein wrote:
:::>> :> William J. Evans wrote:
:::>> :> >(Zzzzzzippp...) wrote:
:::>> :> >:But the dating life IS complex --
:::>> :> >:and some people have more imaginary
:::>> :> >:parts than others. Could this be the problem?
:::>> :> >C'mon, get real.
:::>> :> I wish this discussion could remain rational.
:::>> :Nope, it is located at rec.humor, so it is destined to be irrational.
:::>> Is that positive or negative?
:::>Timo, I'm not sure there is absolute value to your question.
:::Well, Margi, what's your angle?
::That's blunt.
:Ahem! Rather acute, wouldn't you agree.
Hopefully, at least to a degree.

:>>>>:> Does anyone have any good hunting jokes, especially on deer hunting?
:>>>>Yes, someone shoot!
:>>>Oh, dear!  What a loaded comment.
:>>Did you aim to say that?
:>Well, I'll be a son of a gun!  What are you shooting your mouth off for?
:For a buck.
How apt. If you shoot, the buck stops there.

:The best way to talk yourself out of a problem is to
:confuse the problem.
What was the problem, again?
(BTW, isn't it "confuse the issue")

::It would be so nice if you could spell.
:Ok, if you insist:
:    The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
:How's that?
Plain.

:I'm building a Humor Archive composed mainly of the humor found right
:here, on rec.humor
A twist in the smallest books?

:please come and visit my site you are all welcome just bring the beer
Visit my Web said the spider?

::Don't you mean she?
:While I realize that "Robin" can also be a woman's name, I guessed
:from the language ("head this") that this Robin is male.
:What makes you think that he is female?  Do you know him?
Simple. A bird, right?

::Warranty?  You've GOT to be kidding!
:Is there a kid warranty too?
Is there no kidding warranty?

:Q:  What do they call the people who hang around musicians?
:A:  Drummers.
So what should they do? Beat it?

:if you know any dumb blond jokes mail reply me please!
Let's hear some witty ones for a change.

Subject: Re: Three Worst Words
:Hey does this look infected to you?
Flunked your math?

:>:*Spell* correctly!
:>c o r r e c t l y
:Are you sure that's rite??
Rote!

:> Personally, I'd rather see LMN go toe to eyebrow. ;)
:Well, I'm flexible, but I can't be _that_ flexible without assitance!!!
Gee, that's quite a stance.

William J. Evans wrote:
:No, you're confusing my toes with the bottoms of my feet. The
:bottoms of my feet started getting really hairy when I turned, oh,
:12. But that's another story.
A hairy one, I bet.

:I have some computer jokes that you might be interested in.
:Check out my Computer Illiteracy (Fiction) web page at:
:http://cs.weber.edu/home/smcook1/
I'd love to, but I don't know how.

:> Kill files don't kill messages; messages kill messages.
:I kill threads, myself. Did you know that the Bobbit special also works
:on the USENET? *evil grin*
Aw, cut it out!

:> My eyebrows are better than yours.
:> -- Captain Nitpick
:My toes are cuter than yours.
:---Little Miss Nitpick
Cute browbeating!

:> Why do people do this? Why do people worry so much about what other
:> people do?
Why do you have to ask?

:I was just reading an article on British Airways and American Airlines
:that they might be merging.
:Wouldn't this be great their name would be:
:BAAA !
Would that be American English?

:Come on people, I'm sure we don't want to change rec.humor to
:rec.irony.
Gee, that's rather sarcastic.

:wanted Mike Tyson jokes thanks
Oh, oh! What is he supposed to have done NOW?

:months since I have been lurking. Although I have heard many jokes over
:the years, I don't remember them well enough to reproduce.
Consider adopting.

:Guy with a banana in his ear and clutching his stomach goes into the
:office of his Gastroenterologist. The doctor looks at him as says "why
:have you got a banana in your ear?" Guy replies "Speak up, can't you
:see I'm in pain?"
Absolutely bananas.

:Why do sports stadiums use artificial turf?
No idea. Not my turf.

:where`s the belly laughs
Belly up?

::At least the King James version was written by God fearing , believing
:Christians aren't good punctuators, just forgiven ones.
That's why it all is so pointless.

:Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Definitely!

:Ask the guard "If I ask the other guard which tunnel he is guarding, what
:will be his reply?"
Guarded!

:"Mommy! Mommy! I don't like visiting grandpa!"
:"Shut-up and keep digging."
Boy, you ARE digging deep!

:Is there is a list of Duck jokes out there?!?
No way. They're too fowl to post!

:Please, please; I've heard enough European confessions...
Sorry, sorry; We can't come up with anything better.

:Why does an Irishman wear three condoms?
:To be sure, to be sure, to be sure...
Are you sure?

Subject: Re: Best Bumper Stickers
:I love animals! They taste great!
No taste!

:In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from thier
:husbands to wear false teeth.
        ^
Hey, that WAS funny!

:>>Okay, I just recently heard Madonna was pregnant. Who's the father?
:>The Chicago Bulls...
That's a lot of bull!

:there's a gyn in our town named  dr.Fear   really!!!!
Never fear!

:Where the hell is all the comedians?
Hell, we all the comedians is right here.

:OBJ: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire:
:A: The vampire only sucks blood at night.
Augh! That sucks!

:>- "JESUS SAVES!
:But does he get a 7.5% interest rate?
Now that is a question of considerable interest!

Subject: Re: Three Worst Words
:My mom's home
Again, that's four.
:what do you think??
So's that.

:My sister is marrying a Geologist, and jokes would be appreciated.
She's gotta be stoned!

:Ever see a book stand?
My, my! Aren't we literal today!

Subject: Re: puns for intellectuals
:>> --"I think therefore I am."
:"I think I think.  Therefore I think I am."
I thought so.

:Get a Life man.
The standard response is "whose?"

:You know you're in for a bad day when you put your underpants on
:back-to-front... and they fit better.
My compliments up front. Very fitting. Suits you.

:my 8 year old son can pick up cans on the roadside in the U.S.
:and make as much money as a computer programer in europe..
:in the U.S.A  we don't need to wait for a handout
Now that's excellent. We've got to hand it to you.

Subject: Re: Three Worst Words
:What's your name?
Psst, that's four words.
:Darren Smith
Psst, that's two words.

:Jack and Jill went up the hill
:To fetch some water to drink
:I wonder why they didn't think
:of getting it from the sink?
That'll take a moment to sink in.

:"I was a cashier in a bank for a while, but then went on to
:something else."
:"What was that?"
:"Jail."
Absolutely captivating!

:> Send me one joke a day please
:Do you want the same one or diffrent one?
It is all the same.

Subject: Re: Americans-Ignorant, sure
:>WHO CARES!?!?!?!?!?
:>WHO CARES!?!?!?!?!?
:DITTO
:DITTO
Who _is_ this Ditto?

:Does anyone have any good basketball taunts? eg-"Next time you wanna get
:schooled, bring a pencil and paper!"
An absolute basket case!

:Give sadists a fair crack of the whip!!
Where did you whip up that crack from?

Subject: Re: I am very sorry for my article called Quick Cash
:Well. I have to give the guy credit. At least he's got a conscience.
Quick cash on credit?

:How about "ASHES FUNERAL HOME"--When you're loved ones depart, they
:should be in ASHES...  This one always KILLS me
You must be an extraordinarily good customer to them.

:The problem with having two wives is... TWO MOTHER-IN-LAWS
Marry twins.

: I posted this before...
: Save the world - kill yourself
Obviously to no avail.

Subject: Re: Americans are better than Europeans
:if it wasn't for the incmpetence of the freanch there would have been no
:WWII  ^^^^^^           ^^               ^  ^
Nice touche!

:Please add Dave Little to your joke list.
Is he really that bad?

:In the beginning, God created the bit.
Did His bit?

:liar, I can put a whole cue ball in my mouth.
Where in the blazes do you take your cues from?

:When people talk statistics, they always talk about averages.
Not quite. Only on the average.

Subject: Re: Windows 95 TV ad has hidden subliminal message
:does everyone hate those as much as me
Not everyone hates you.

:Q.> What's the difference between Ignorance and Apathy.
:A.> I don't know and I don't care.
So what?

:How come they call em Ham,burgers when they are mad of Beef?
                                                 ^^^
What's your beef?

:Could someone send me a list of where I can find these Canonical lists
http://www.vatican.holynet ?

:Q. How can you tell a blonde's telephone number?
:A. They all start with 1-900.
There! Just as we've suspected. The blonds are American.

Subject: Re: Products Destined to Fail
:Beer flavored breath mints.
Don't hold your breath.

Subject: Re: test-ignore
:jkljkljkl
I failed.

Subject: Re: Sorry if youve heard this Parrot Joke.....
No problem. Parrot jokes are expected to be repetitive.

:Hi! Is anyone out there
No. We are all in here.

Subject: Re: David Coble
:     I know....he's Nancy Carson in drag....come on, David, fess up!!!
What a drag!

:WHATS IGNORANT???????
What's whats???????

:Why is it these jokes of the day are never, never, never funny?
Try yesterday's then. There are PLENTY around in rec.humor.

:I need *clean* New Year's jokes or stories ASAP. Can anyone help.
Don't worry. The feeling usually quickly passes.

:Q: What was Adam's favourite song?
:A: Jesus loves even me.
How odd!

Subject: Re: Longest Thread Ever
:Game over !
But what if the others are not game?

Subject: Aliens
In rec.humor no one can hear you laugh.

:> Did you hear about the dislexic insomniac egnostic?
:> He lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
:I dont teg it.
That's just too dab. It'll result in disphoria.
(Dislexia? That's incorrect. Isn't it Dyxlesia!)
   All the tesb, omiT  (aka Perfesser Dumpit in rec.humuor)

:Did you hear about the three economists who went deer hunting? They
:saw a buck, and the first economist shot at him, but he was a yard to
:the right. Then the second economist shot, and he was a yard to the
:left.
:"Hooray," the third economist shouted. "We got him."
That's mean!

:>Our monetary system IS metric
:>>They can apply the Metric System to whatever they want ...
:>>but please don't screw around with our monetary system!!!
:Sorry, our monetary system is *decimal* but it is not *metric*.
There is no decimating the metric system!  Let's not give an 2.54 cm!

Subject: Re: An American Thinking Man his metric theorems
:>Sorry, a stupid mistake:
:>it should have been
:>  1 EW = 1 000 000 000 000 000 W
:Aha -- another demonstration of the infallibility of the metric system
:with its self-replicating zeroes...
Yep! Someone was bound to zero in on this.

Subject: Re: Note To School
Children's humor way back from the school years. Maybe more of a
kind of folklore.
"Absent because of missing the school building in the raging
blizzard".
"Late because of getting tangled in the bedsheets before breakfast".
"Sunday page still open on the calendar". (My own favorite)

Subject: Re: $$MAKE MONEY FAST!!HELLO FINANCIAL FREEDOM!$$$$
:Well, I've got some awesome news that I think you need to take
:two minutes to read if you have ever thought "How could I make
:some serious cash in a hurry???" , or been in serious debt,
Only some funny cash counts in rec.humor.

Subject: Re: Feet puns
:I see we have found the sole of wit :)
A standing ovation is called for!

:>>> What are the 3 worst words you can hear when making love?  (
:I liked:
:"Honey, I'm home..."
Count your blessings.

:"Jesus saves ... stamps"
Definitely a collector's item.

Edward Balaban wrote:
:Timo Salmi wrote:
:: Edward Balaban wrote:
:: :Somebody posted this one here before:
:: :How many Intel Pentium designers does it take to change a light bulb?
:: Yes, we've already heard it 999.986754 times.
:Enjoying a deja vu, Timo?
In fact, a deja lu!
(A serious P.S. Some gentle readers might need a French dictionary to
appreciate this one. To depreciate it no dictionary is needed.)

:How high is up?
Well, what's up on?

:My 9 year old needs a few jokes for a magic act involving knives.
Taking a stab at it, so to speak?

:I am looking for Alzheimers jokes.
Can't recall any.

Subject: Re: Priest Joke
:Sorry if this is old to this group, but couldn't resist.....
Didn't have a prayer.

:>I heard about one guy who couldn't figure out if he really wanted to kill
:>himself.  So he threw himself in front of a parked car.
:Throwing oneself in front a glacier also works for the undecided.
Rather chilling!

:>>If you know jokes about photographers and photography, please send me.
:>They're on the way.  They'll be there in a flash.
:Jay, for a pun like that you deserve to be shot.
For a pun like that he rather deserves more exposure.

:>Can any one tell me that how to hide
:>and show the cursor using pascal!
:Put your finger over the place on the screen where the cursor is! :-)
How touching!  :-)

:In San Diego, CA, there's Goodbody Mortuary.....
How grave!

:>I have always been told that old statisticians do not fade away,
:>but rather are "broken down by age and sex".
:The average statistician is just plain mean.
I am at variance.

:PR->Hey Where is Cobble?  I haven't seen any of his posts recently.
:Come back David...... all is forgiven :-)
Don't take that for given.

:>      Do you know why the new windows version is numbered 95?
:       95 bugs per minute?
:       95 crashes per hour?
:       95 Redmond Genuflections required to make it work?
All wrong. It is because it is best to be used from nine to five,
only.

:On the Subject: Re: lawyer jokes requested
:Timo Salmi wrote:
:>They have been barred.
:Hey Timo,
:Groan.  Those puns were definitely out of order.  However, someone must
:speak in your defense.  I am sure you have a good alibi.
Yes, I do. I posted the last one first.

:: :In San Diego, CA, there's Goodbody Mortuary.....
:: How grave!
:My God, where did you dig up THAT pun?
It was a stiff job, my son, but I left no stone unturned.

:Funny how you get Irish Americans, Italian Americans, Jewish Americans,
:Polish Americans, etc...
:Ever hear anyone call themselves an English American?
Worse than that. American English.

Subject: Re: pickup lines wanted
Axelrod Fahrquhar <rperry@mindspring.com> wrote:
:Why in the hell can't you spell!!!
Granted, that's the most original pick-up line yet. But maybe your
target will swoon with the sheer surprise.

:Two woman met while shopping. When they started to discuss their
:home lives, one of them said, "I've been fighting day and night
:with my husband. It's so aggravating, I've lost twenty pounds.
Sterling?

ObPun: 1. Bare with me said the exhibitionist
       2. Beer with me said the alcoholic
Bear with me said
   All the best, Timo  (aka Perfesser Pundit in rec.humor)

:I really need a copy of the old "100 Ways to Fail AN Exam" I saw at
:on here last year and really need a copy bad!
Just leave a blank paper.

:I do wish all the europeans who think Ynks are so dumb would be
:decent enough to return all the money the US sent to europe over
:many years. forget the principle the interest would do fine.
Thank you! Can we forget the principal as well?

:Why does an elephant have 4 feet ?
:Because it'd look stupid with only 6 inches.
Ah, now I see what inching one's way to a joke means.

:"My wife said if I ever go diving again, she'll leave me"
:the next line underneath wrote:
:"boy, do I miss her!"
Maybe he should not have taken the plunge in the first place.

:: Is there a newsgroup on sexual impotence?
:Someone tried to start one, but they couldn't seem to get it going....
It's because the idea was barren.

:I knew a girl named Snow Storm.  I always wondered what would happen if
:she married a guy named White.
These days, no joke. She'd probably just be Snow Storm-White.

:: Hi!  If anyone out there has any lawyer jokes,
:There are a million lawyer jokes.  I ought to know.  I am one.  I
:So, if possible, narrow down your request.  OK?
OK! Could we have some good lawyer jokes.

Subject: Re: Leper Jokes
And did you hear about the leper who constantly picked his nose?

Subject: Re: Funniest Funeral store names???
:I've two for you
:Wing On Funeral home, Spadina Ave. Toronto
:Butcher Funeral home, Acton, Ontario
Way to go!

Subject: Re: Daily Jokes
:Sign up for a new joke EVERY day
Thanks, but no thanks. Signing up once should suffice.

Subject: Re: Do not read this
:Ok - I told you not to read this - dummy
Yet I did - timo

Subject: Re: What's the time?
:Anybody got the time?  My watch has stopped.
A stop watch?

Subject: Re: RODNEY DANGERFIELD
:I have steaks like sex - very rare.
Well done!

Subject: Re: (:)PIGS (Poor Innocent Guys Society)
:If a man is alone in the woods talking to himself, with no women
:around for miles, is he STILL wrong?
Wrong.

Subject: Re: U Gota C This
:Timo Salmi wrote:
:> jim <tkendall@zenation.com.NoSpam> wrote:
:> :       Time on Your Hands ?
:> Yes, I am wearing a watch.
:Are you also watching what you wear?
All the time.

Subject: Re: The rabbi, the priest and the car
:I live in the U.S as well.
Besides where?

Re: Req: Looking for baby jokes
:A friend will be delivering her first child in 3 weeks or so, so
:I'd like to have as many as possible.
Have a word with your wife.

Subject: Re: praise the lord
:    There are 2 things that are best if not discussed in polite
:company..politics and religion
Yes. I believe that's very politic.

Subject: Re: Question
:> >You guys are using "gullible" as thought it's an actual word.
:> >Don't you know it's not even in any dictionary?
:> Duh, it's spelled "gullable".
:No, it is spelled gullible...
Hook, line and sinker.

Re: Euthanasia
Augh! Let's kill this thread here and now.

Re: LET'S TRADE
:If you're going to post stupid jokes, at least get them right!
Right!

Subject: Re: )PIGS (Poor Innocent Guys Society)--rob bank
The Ravelin <ravelin@generation.net> wrote:
:Don't even think about sending eMail to the above address.
:All eMail should be sent to LeRavelin@aol.com
World's largest email box?

Re: rednecks
:You shouldn't just assume that I am a man, especially since I
:happen to be a WOMAN!!!!!!  Melissa F.
Don't worry. It happens.

Subject: Re: I know English, but English doesn't know me...
:Can anyone explain why panties is plural, and bra is singular?
Obvious. There is plurality in the singularity and vice versa.

Subject: A spelling problem
How is ingnorace spelled?

Subject: Re: NEED PRANK**!
Check http://www.prank.com

Subject: Re: Remember that one episode...
Joe Long <jfl@mti.net> wrote:
Rich Raphael <vtech@triton.net> wrote:
:>Well...  i just loved that episode of Gilligan's
:>Island where MaryAnne got on that bicycle in those
:>tight shorts to make electricty...
:Hey, that gave me a charge!
A veritable jolt, I am sure.

Subject: Re: Lepper jokes...
Stuart A. Bronstein <adam@crl.com> wrote:
:Timo Salmi <ts@uwasa.fi> wrote:
:>Jamie Winsor  <jamiew@morgan.ucs.mun.ca> wrote:
:>: Why did the leper get in a car accident?
:>: He left his foot on the gas.
:>That's lame!
:What a bootless comment.
Thank you for giving me a hand.

Subject: Re: Mother Theresa and Kevorkian in Heaven
Raymond W Jensen  <rwj+@andrew.cmu.edu> wrote:
:bjl@ecf.toronto.edu (Brian Lee) wrote:
:>Rick <meca@pli.isu> wrote:
:>>OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooh!!
:>That's a funny one! Did you write that one yourself?
:>BAHHH!  what kind of joke was that?
:I'll bet he was up all night thinking it up.
Yawn!

Subject: Re: I need Borland Pascal 6.0 fast!!!! (My Copy is busted)
[seen in comp.lang.pascal.borland]
^GP_Flash  <webmaster@gp-flash.net> wrote:
:  Finally someone on here with a sense of humor.  Thanks!
:> I need my woman fast!!!!! And they cost far more than $90!!!
And the former one? Busted?

Subject: Re: WEEK 10 -- Bill Gates Secret Diary
Robert Shiels <robert@shiels.com> wrote:
:I wish people who complain about the Diary would either stop reading
:it, or produce something better. Its easy to be a critic!
You misspelled!

Subject: Re: HELP! TEACH ME HOW TO MAKE FREE LONG DISTANCE CALLS!
Annie  <apoochar@shrike.depaul.edu> wrote:
:hey, i'm an international students too....if you know how to make a free
:ld calls...EMAIL ME TOO
Schizophrenia?

Subject: Re: Wedding
Neil Touchet  <ntouchet@epix.net> wrote:
:This particular 'Urban Legend' has made the rounds for at least fifty
:years.
That's what everyone would like to believe.

Subject: Re: Need answer to riddle
:>Announce to the both of them "I have a twenty dollar bill in my hand.
:>It's your's if you can tell me what it is." Then ask directions from the
:>guy that answers with "It's a twenty dollar bill. Pay up."
:
:In effect that's two questions. It's an old riddle and the correct
:answer has already been posted.
So we are riddled with this, already.

Subject: Re: Southern Humor webpage
:Hi everyone. I have a webpage that I did for a class that everyone tells
:me is extremely funny.
What's so funny about the class?

Subject: Re: Quote of the Day
:It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Rats!

Subject: Re: Bumper Stickers seen in passing....
Newsgroups: rec.humor,alt.tasteless.jokes,alt.humor.puns
:So many pedestrians, so little time
So few jokes, so much time.

Subject: Re: Ansafone messages.
:Hello.  Hello?  Hello, anybody there?  Hello!
:Not all lawyers should be shot.  Some should be hanged.
A hang-up?

Subject: Re: Bigger than Andy Kaufman?
Sketchy Albedo  <revjack@radix.net> wrote:
:In alt.slack, Captain America <capt_a@hotmail.com> wrote:
:[stuff]
:"Captain America"! Ha! Ha! What a stupid name!
What's this? Major Peeve?

Subject: Re: Lawyer jokes please!
From: adam@crl4.crl.com (Stuart A. Bronstein)
Timo Salmi <ts@uwasa.fi> wrote:
>James J. Fox <jjfox@ptialaska.net> wrote:
>:What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
>:It takes more than one leech to bleed you dry.
>
>Eech!
This joke sucks.

Subject: Re: Jesus Saves
:jesus saves:
:sinners and redeems them for valusble cash prizes
Oh Christ!

Subject: Re: Help with Navy humor
Craig <cnbpow@excell.net> wrote:
:Trying to keep up with some old Navy buddies who are sending jokes.
:Anyone have any to share??
Sorry, you'll just have to make do with your own buddies.

Subject: Re: I am looking for horrible OS for a friend - anyone?
Colin Stock  <cmstock@thevortex.com> wrote:
:Dave Webber <dave@musical.demon.co.uk> wrote:
:>Rick Cortese wrote:
:[snip]
:>  What is the ABC?
:I new the English education system was bad but I did not think it was
:that bad. ;D
Subtle self-irony?

Subject: Re: 3 words
:>How about syzygys (I know syzygy is a word, but I'm not sure if it's a
:Y counts as a vowel in these words.  "A,E,I,O,U, and sometimes Y."
why?

Subject: Re: <<<<<KILL THIS STRING>>>>>
Martin Stevens <needalaugh@answerme.com> wrote:
:Alan White <alan.white@tfe-bus-group.demon.co.uk> wrote:
:> OK, it seems like we're having problems killing this string.  How about
:> we just seriously hurt it instead?
:NO! String killing is punishable by death!  :-)
I just knew there had to be strings attached.

Subject: Re: Bumper Stickers seen in passing....
From: adam@crl8.crl.com (Stuart A. Bronstein)
Timo Salmi <ts@majakka.uwasa.fi> wrote:
>Doug Bambrick <bambrick@bert.dcscomp.com.au> wrote:
>:In a similar vain, here is a message found on a house door.
>:House guarded by SHOTGUN 3 nights a week. You guess which 3.
>
>Giving the burglar a shot?
Oh, I think the son-of-a-gun was just shooting off his mouth.

Subject: Re: THE CHRISTIAN BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY WEBSITE
From: adam@crl4.crl.com (Stuart A. Bronstein)
Timo Salmi <ts@majakka.uwasa.fi> wrote:
><graham@arlington.net> wrote:
>:       The response has been so phenomenal that I cannot
>: handle my e-mail. I am posting the Christian Business
>: Opportunity Website for your direct viewing. You may
>: SIGN UP for FREE and GET A FREE WEBPAGE at the URL below
>
>You haven't got a prayer.
On the contrary, I figure he preys on a lot of people.

Subject: Re: testing:  dont' read tee hee
Cynthia Lux  <cynthia.lux@sematech.org> wrote:
:OBJ:   Person 1: In what state do you live?
:       Person 2: The state of confusion.
Huh? Where's that?

Subject: Re: Nothing here?
Stuart A. Bronstein <adam@crl6.crl.com> wrote:
:Joe and Diane  <joediane@egyptian.net> wrote:
:>.
:What's the point?
Oh Stu! They had one, but you had none.

Subject: Re: English .... ???
Stuart A. Bronstein <adam@crl9.crl.com> wrote:
:Timo Salmi <ts@majakka.uwasa.fi> wrote:
:>The principal who repaid the principal give up his principal
:>principle.
:The Capitol's capital principal taught that the names of capitals
:all start with a capital.
Stu, I just knew you would capitalize on this!

Subject: Re: We accountants
Stuart A. Bronstein <adam@crl2.crl.com> wrote:
:Timo Salmi <ts@majakka.uwasa.fi> wrote:
:>Did you hear about the drunk accountant who always was off balance?
:
:Ah, but it doesn't add up. Perhaps he didn't supply complete information
And did you hear of the other drunk accountant who had all his funds
in liquid assets?

Subject: Re: ibm-compadible vs the Mac
From: DonJuan@Julio.com
(Reposted by ts@uwasa.fi to rec.humor)
On Wed, 22 Oct 1997 18:55:58 +1000, bosey_@hotmail.com (Daniel) wrote:
>Stacables@eritter.net wrote:
>>BETA is a beter format for vidio than VHS
>PLEASE learn how to spell...I think the current literacy rate is
>appauling!
ROTFL!!!

Subject: Re: Links to Shareware Sights
Chris Marriott  <chris@chrism.demon.co.uk> wrote:
:<Simcats@tristate.net> writes
:>Need help finding shareware?  This sight has Links to all the best
:I would never visit a place run by someone who doesn't know the
:difference between the words "site" and "sight".
Out of site!

Subject: Re: Pope-jokes
From: adam@crl7.crl.com (Stuart A. Bronstein)
Timo Salmi <ts@majakka.uwasa.fi> wrote:
>Ian Parmenter  <infinity@wpi.edu> wrote:
>:Michael Hager wrote:
>:> hi, I'm looking for jokes with or about the pope.
>Just browse with net search engines for canonical jokes.
Oh, no!  Not more gun puns!

Subject: Re: Rye: failed ad campaigns
John N! Swegan <swiggy@grapevinenet.com> wrote:
:Cynthia Lux wrote:
:> Timo Salmi wrote:
:> > John N! Swegan <swiggy@grapevinenet.com> wrote:
:> > :GWLucky wrote:
:> > :> "Use Preparation-H and kiss your hemorhoids goodbye."
:> > :Okay, How about...
:> > :Say it with flowers, but do it with bananas!
:> > Absolutely bananas!
:> I thought it was a bit nuts, myself...
:Personally, I've ALWAYS enjoyed the banana split!<G>
We are divided on that.

Subject: Re: FACTS
News <News@102.homershut.dyndns.com> wrote:
:Good grief! What are people with no sense of humor doing in rec.humor?
Posting?

Subject: Re: The real reason americans dont like metric
red  <red_army_blues@hotmail.com> wrote:
:True; I learned metric as a child and approximate everything into
:imperial measurments.  Not that this is very intersting.
No sting in it?

Subject: Re: Signature quotes
GWLucky <gwlucky@aol.com> wrote:
:"It's deja vu all over again."
We knew that!

Subject: Re: Bumper Stickers seen in passing....
David Warrell <warrells@lisp.com.au> wrote:
:Seen on the back of a station wagon:
:I can handle any major crisis
:I have kids.
Sounds more like a minor crisis.

Subject: Re: Microsoft light bulbs
:>The Jokester <jokester@joke.net> wrote:
:>:On Fri, 16 Jan 1998, H2O wrote:
:>:> As a former Microsoft Programmer I can say that the number of MS
:>:> programers it takes to change a light bulb is 0 - We just declare a
:>:> darkness as new standard and licence it! :-)
:>:                                    ^
:>:No wonder their software doesn't work.  They can't even spell!
That's odd.

Subject: Re: TONS OF FREEWARE
no name <no where> wrote:
:http://www.angelfire.com/ok/markandstacey
:tons of freeware - all kinds
That's heavy.

Subject: Re: bad puns, I mean out-right groaners
Scott Terbush  <scott@tps.tpsdata.com> wrote:
:My office was having a pu contest the other day, the winner would go
:home $500.00 richer.
That's too rich to believe.

Subject: Re: Bumper Stickers and other humor...
William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:"Rowland C. Croucher" <rowlandc@mira.net> wrote:
::"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
:You misspelled testes.
That took some balls.

Subject: Re: In math.
:prof : prouve it.
:studeunt: 16 + 8 = 24
:Mayer ... Montreal, Quebec, Canada.
Ok, ok, we believe you.

Subject: Re: Roy: Re: Rye: CONVERSATION STARTERS (long)
Ron K. Hulen <rhulen@mcmsys.com> wrote:
:Well . . . we do have a guest bedroom.
I should have guested.

Subject: Re: viagra - the impotence pill
:How about a joke you didn't steal from Jay Leno!
That should be relatively easy. But how about a joke that Jay Leno
would steal from you.

Subject: Re: free comedy tickets!!
liz <yu119441@yorku.ca> wrote:
:Attention Comedy Lovers!
At ease!

Subject: Re: SMOKER'S PRAYER
TOM KAN PA <tomkanpa@aol.com> wrote:
:Does it surprise anyone that Nancy is a non-smoker?
That's just a smokescreen.

Subject: Re: Programming
GWLucky <gwlucky@aol.com> wrote:
:I have used interegs since I quit programming in FROTRAN.
Really?

Subject: Re: LAST WORD 4/17/98
Tim Brown <bathroom@iglou2.iglou.com> wrote:
:rrkappes@onion.engr.ucdavis.edu (Ronald Roy Kappesser Unovald) writes:
:>Lose the
:>rec.humor crosspost.
:Why?  Because the Almighty Ronald says so?
Oh Lord!

Subject: Re: VISIT MY JOKE PAGE!!
Lee Davenport <newsy@sprynet.com> wrote:
:Lots and lots of cool jokes. Updated (almost) daily!
:http://home.sprynet.com/sprynet/newsy
Sorry, they left me cold.

Subject: Programming
Using interegs is pointless.

William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:RICHARD NIXON SHOULD PULL OUT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE
:JUST LIKE HIS FATHER SHOULD'VE.
Captain, that's capital!

Subject: Re: Food for thought
Jeff Jones  <jjones9@mail.sandi.net> wrote:
:Better yet, what if you were on a ship _exactly_ on the equator; which
:way would the water in the toilet drain?
Down.

Subject: Re: ONE LINERS
Nancy Carson <JMFS19A@prodigy.com> wrote:
:   -Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting
:    out alive, anyway.
:
:   -When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is
:    like the IRS.
:
:   -Don't drink and drive.  You might hit a bump, and spill
:    your drink.
ROTFL (guess why)

Subject: Re: MONEY TALKS
Nancy Carson <JMFS19A@prodigy.com> wrote:
:        -"Why is it $10 looks so small at the grocery store,
:         but so big at church?"
Because at the grocery store it ain't got a prayer.

Subject: Re: A New Humor Site
Stuart O. Bronstein  <sab@*idiom.com> wrote:
:William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:>John Fiero <jwfiero@linknet.net> wrote:
:>:I run a humor site that is currently floundering.
:>Sounds like a fishy story to me.
:Kinda crappie, if you ask me.
Ah, friend Stu's carpe diem.

Subject: Re: Request:  Egg Jokes and Puns
King Cobra  <king-cobra@king-cobra.com> wrote:
:I need some egg-related jokes and puns.  And maybe some jokes/puns
:related to chickens.
A typical chicken and egg problem.

Subject: Re: Best asian bumperstickers?
JHines7734 <jhines7734@aol.com> wrote:
:"Avoid reasonable prices and good quality.  Buy American."
I don't buy that.

Subject: Re: Test (Don't Read)
Michael Cunnington <mc@tne.net.Phroso.au> wrote:
:mc@tne.net.(takeout)au (Michael Cunnington) wrote:
:>mc@tne.net.au(takeoff) (Michael Cunnington) wrote:
:>>I'm trying to append a sig file.
:>without success so far. I'm also trying to alter my address to beat the
:>spammers.
:Still trying
Very trying.

Subject: Re: Do not reply
Frank  <fgreen@novux.net> wrote:
:Walt and Denise Fles wrote:
:> I'm not replying, either.
:What is it we're not replying to?
There is no answer to that.

Subject: Re: MOMENT
Nancy Carson <JMFS19A@prodigy.com> wrote:
:       -Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on what's
:        to come.
Ok, ok. Next joke, please.

Subject: Re: igloo
Taitsinguaq Olsen <taitsia@greennet.gl> wrote:
:help, my igloo is melting!!!!!
That's novel. An igloo with running water?

Subject: Re: Titanic Jokes
Jack McConnell <JDM229T@vma.smsu.edu> wrote:
:     Dont you think it a might odd the ark was made
:     by ametuers and the Titanic was made by professionals?
But what's the difference. Both eventually hit.

Subject: Re: Carpe confusion....><> ><>
Richard  <squeaky@pridge.uk.uk> wrote:
:Never go to bed mad.
Another for insomnia?

Subject: Re: The Nancy Carson Love in (was Re: TACT)
William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:The last thing I would think ...
Think again!

Subject: Re: Who would take this fatso serious?she says 5'4 140lbs is thin.
William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:Stuart O. Bronstein <adam*@crl.com> wrote:
::Timo Salmi <ts@majakka.uwasa.fi> wrote:
::>Megan Waves <rg@netbistro.com> wrote:
::>:ts@majakka.uwasa.fi (Timo Salmi) wrote:
::>:>Clueless Wombat Cabal <bspaghetti@hotmail.com> wrote:
::>:>:Is it my imagination or is the collective IQ of alt.flame dropping
::>:>:like a rock?
::>:>No, just the average.
::>:That was a mean thing to say
::>Sorry, sorry. I did not mean to offend.
::Though that is your usual mode of operation, and one of your standard
::deviations.
:My, these responses are _really_ beginning to multiply.
So many exponents around.

Subject: Re: Pimples are us..........
Chris Whiting <cwhiting@enterprise.net> wrote:
:You know what they say about eavesdroppers.....
No. Let's hear it.

Subject: Re: Airplane Maint.
 <TheObsoElitist,,,obsoelytHiMom@goldrush.com> wrote:
:All these quote strings made my Mac crash.
:I hope this thread goes down in flames.
Hey! A genuine flame, if I ever saw one!

Subject: Re: cops
Craig Burley  <burley@tweedledumb.cygnus.com> wrote:
:"Eurasmus B. Black" <billyblue@home.com> writes:
:> So why don't your legislators wise up and save $$$ by just eliminating
:> all those yellow lights?
:Probably because doing so would violate local affirmative-action laws.
Affirmative!

Subject: Re: MAKE A LOT OF MONEY...
JHines7734 <jhines7734@aol.com> wrote:
:by working for it.
I am working on it. But will it work out?

Subject: Re: Bad manners and general rudeness
Jennifer Williams <jenniferjo@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
:And as long as you're answering those questions, what is the meaning of
:life?
For once an easy question. It is cross-country skiing. No
explanation needed for those who are in the know, and for the rest
it is futile.

Subject: Re: Mir-red In Space
Matthew Webster  <mwebster@apsoft.co.uk> wrote:
:Heinz W. Wiggeshoff
:<URL:mailto:ab528@FreeNet.Carleton.CA> wrote:
:> Matthew Webster (mwebster@apsoft.co.uk) writes:
:> > Exactly- Ever heard of `La Grange Points`?
:>   "ObNitPick" - Lagrange ? La grunge?  La la land?
:Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo.  Whose pedantic today then?
His pedantic today. And mine.

Subject: Re: New Words
<guestPC@oicu2.edu> wrote:
:Daniel Dyer wrote:
:[...]
:>And a viola is a musical instrument.
:And the difference between a viola
:and a violin?
:A viola burns longer.
Voila!

Subject: Re: REQ: tattoo jokes
Cyber <ohji_n@club-internet.fr> wrote:
:I am looking for tattoo jokes. If you have some, please post them
:or email them to me.
Can't. Won't come off.

Subject: Re: Titanic
Rick Lugg <ricklugg@intekom.co.za.nospam> wrote:
:Tim Herman wrote:
:> Why spend the money? I know how it ends.
:Please don't tell, I haven't finished the book yet
Neither have I, but I am beginning to have a sinking feeling about
the story.

Subject: Re: Have you heard the one about the lawyer and the lemming?
D&J <leasf@fls.infi.net> wrote:
:Take a deep breath now, and I'll slowly fill you in on the startling truth
:that I have learned.
:Lemmings ... do ... not ... leap ... off ... cliffs."
:Read more about it in a new humor column in Zatta Fact. It's at ...
:http://redfrog.norconnect.no/~BarnRobin/lease1.html
So you want everyone rush to see it!

Subject: Our fabulous notice board
From: ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi)
These have been genuine notifications on our notice boards at our
university. Translated freely from Finnish.
- The schedule for the lectures on decision making under uncertainty
  will be announced later.
- To attend the absolute beginners' electronic mail course please
  register by email to ...
- The students who wish to participate in the exam on the
  utilization of computers should stencil their names on the list on
  the notice board at the main building.

Subject: Re: SHOES
Nancy Carson <JMFS19A@prodigy.com> wrote:
:        A shoe salesman had dragged out half of his stock to show
:a lady customer.  Finally, he said, "Excuse me, madam, do you mind
:if I take a break?  Your feet are killing me."
Nice footage.

Subject: Re: Parrot Joke + more
Chatzie <chatziem@usa.net> wrote:
:Just so YOU know, that's the point!  She could not afford a parrot, but the
:Myna is cheaper (at least at this particular pet store).  Sigh.......it's
:no fun when you have to explain 'em.
Why not?

Subject: Re: Help wanted
butt <butt@b.se> wrote:
:Hi would need some help with doinhg a game like minesweeper in pascal
Pardon the pun, but yours is a bit sweeping a question.

Re: Joke of the Decade!
<silber@golden.com> wrote:
:          N.B.A.
What's that? No Basket Association?

Re: Psst!!! Don't tell my Christian friends...
>J. Scott wrote
>>Evolution has *NEVER* been observed anywhere.
The survival of more of the same?

Magic  <sirmagic@hotmail.com> wrote:
:I believe that Henny Youngman said
:       "I never stole a joke I didn't like".
Even more apt:
        "They never liked a joke I didn't steal".

Re: FLIP WILSON'S DEMISE
Rhonda Mattax  <san-toki@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
:KLReach wrote:
:> Gee, was there a roach in your wheaties this morning?
:> I liked him...and dont
:> really understand the need for this attack.
:The devil made him do it.
Oh, hell!

Re: Il mio cane non ha naso
JenniferJo <jenniferjo@worldnet.att.net> wrote:
:So, is  a vowel or a consonant?
Yes.

Re: English Lesson
Phooey  <Phooey@REMOVEME.phooey.demon.co.uk> wrote:
:"M. Lang" <langm@duke.usask.ca> writes
:>Signed 'A pretty good lawyer, but a terrible speller' (I think I wrote the
:>word  'anacronym' incorrectly)
:You spelt it correctly, you just missed the space,
:an acronym
Ah, that's anachronistic!
[For once an explanation is in order. If the pun is too vague, this
is what it is based on: "An anacronym is an acronym or an
abbreviation so old or familiar that no one remembers what its
letters stand for." Anachronistic, should it be unfamiliar to
anyone, you'll have to look up yourselves.]

Re: Joke challenge
Steven Castellano <pdxsteve@prodigy.net> wrote:
:"jokes" <pulsecode@mailandnews.dot.com> wrote:
:>>I wouldn't say my brother is stupid, but.......
:...he studied all night for his blood test.
Any more in the same vein?

Re: one, two ....eeeeeeeeh
Aanvang  <Aanvang@dds.nl> wrote:
:3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Count me in!

Re: atheists and agnostics etc etc
Reef Fish (Large Nassau Grouper) <RFLNG@clemson.edu> wrote:
:Then Statisticians would say since a
:random deviate from a standard _normal_
:population is negative 50% of the time,
:God is _probably_ imaginary 50% ...
That's rather complex.

Re: foutje
Aanvang  <Aanvang@dds.nl> wrote:
:AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
:to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned
:out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Shouldn't be a problem. She's got it in the bag, right?

Re: God created Woman
Anton Smit <amac@mweb.co.za> wrote:
:Out of respect for those who believe in and trust in God, I think we
:ought to leave God out of our jokes. There's more than enough things
:to joke about.
God forbid!

Re: Year 2000 problems... SOLVED!!!
Someth  <umchins@cc.umanitoba.ca> wrote:
:You know to solve the Y2K problem, why don't we all, as the
:population of planet Earth, agree not to enter the next millenium
:but restart this purdy one we're in right now; 1900.  :)
Because the suggestion is not up to date.

Re: jokes
Forums: rec.humor
<plumloco@orwell.net> wrote:
:This group is a waste of time.
Splendid! That's exactly what we are looking for.

Re: What Do You Want On Your Tombstone?
SCTCA <tcinter@easynet.co.uk> wrote:
:I told you I was ill.
That's grave!

Re: Hunting Lion...
Eric Via  <ericvia@airmail.net> wrote:
:How to Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert
There has to be a catch!

Re: Question about Clinton
Mickey <dmilicevic@beotel.yu> wrote:
:Can anyone tell me where I can find jokes about Clinton family on
:the Web?
Could anyone tell me where not to find jokes about Clinton and
family on the Web?

Re: Christian Humor update! 8/22
Who the heck resurrected this thread? That was a cross thing to do.

Re: FAR FAR TOO DRUNK (hehehehehehehehehehee)
Fletchman <fletch@picknowl.com.au> wrote:
:Far too drunk to be writing this stuff.
Intoxicating!

Re: Can Men Laff at Themselves? You Betcha!
Lenny Schafer  <schafer@netcom.com> wrote:
:Funny male bashing one-liner jokes to follow:
:How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does
:   it take to do the dishes?
:          Both of them.
You are way out of line!

Re: What Do You Want On Your Tombstone?
Give it a rest!

Re: GEB-ish / self-ref jokes
keith lim <keithlim@pobox.com> wrote:
:"I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect."
So am i.

Re: Odd Signs from England
William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:Alistair McIntosh <alistair@mcintosh.force9.co.uk> wrote:
::> Why is Scotland so windy?
::> England SUCKS!
::HERE, HERE
::couldn't of said it better myself!!
:In the United States we spell it "Hear, hear."
Now, there, there.

Re: nothing
A Halkyard <ahalkyard@aol.com> wrote:
:I agree
Nothing to it.

Re: Request: Egg Jokes and Puns
King Cobra  <king-cobra@king-cobra.com> wrote:
:I need some egg-related jokes and puns.  And maybe some jokes/puns
:related to chickens.
A typical chicken and egg problem.

Re: What to call the 2000's
<davidtan@cts.com> wrote:
:I just call them the Hundreds, such as the y2k bug where I recieved e-mail
:with a date of 100 instead of 00.
Not quite zeroing on the problem?

Re: Disgusting Jokes
KuKu <kukuorg@hotmail.com> wrote:
:Check out the disgusting jokes at ...
:There are some pretty sick ones!
Then it's ill-advised.

Re: ...*one* reason to hate the brits.....
Gemz  <wondergirl@excite.com> wrote:
: ellar <lrobertsNOlrSPAM@fransmaas.co.uk.invalid> wrote:
:> from somebody else anyway. You are nothing but a credit card
:> culture,
:Exactly.  There's only one word for it, *capitalism*
RIGHT ON!

Re: Programmers
Zevra and his little green guy <feldco@aol.com> wrote:
:>ts@UWasa.Fi  (Timo Salmi) wrote:
:>You've of course heard of the crazy programmer who writes
:>shrinkwrapped software.
:Was that the same programmer who went into the shrink wearing only
:shrinkwrap and the doctor said to him, "I can see your nuts."
Yeah. That's the bare bones.

Re: Censored!!!! censured
William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:Hoodah Thunkit <billyblue@home.com> wrote:
::I know monspace must be a neologism. Please elucidate.
:A neologism is a newly coined word.
Thanks Captain. You again gave us the money's worth.

Re: A MODEST PROPOSAL
William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:"BA" <spectratmindspringdotcom> wrote:
::I'm surprised that anyone here could read the words "A
::Modest Proposal" and not think of Jonathan Swift.
:They're just not too swift, I guess.
I find that hard to swallow!

Re: Professor discussion
William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:seave8@intercomm.com wrote:
::The prof is blowing smoke so the student will think profs always
::converse at 33,000 feet above MSL.
:That would be Microsoft level?
We're on the level?

Re: Should I Kill Myself?
William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:DM <dym237@hotmail.com> wrote:
::Everybody in college thinks their so smart.
:Their what?
:What's a so smart, and how does one think it?
Gee, that will smart!

Re: New Scottish film
Zevra and his little green guy <feldco@aol.com> wrote:
:>ts@UWasa.Fi  (Timo Salmi) wrote:
:><feldco@aol.com> wrote:
:>:Nothing more to see.  Just wanted to see if I read it correctly!
:>I see.
:Saw.  You meant saw.
Now this is starting to sound like a seesaw.

Re: joke site
Quejetaime <quejetaime@aol.com> wrote:
:Found a decent joke site at ...
:Fast loading pages, no porn, no ads.
This is a joke, right?

Re: The Three Wise Women
Earl Westerlund  <earl.westerlund@kodak.com> wrote:
:That's why wise men don't ask for directions any more.
What should we do then?

Re: Santa on Trial in Canada 2
<mprindle@earthlink.net> wrote:
:Would that sentence be a double-negative in French?
nes't pas?

Subject: No contest
A very good friend of mine sent in this brilliant one:
  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
  He sent in ten different puns,
  in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Re: (:)Three Wise Women
Zevra and his little green guy <feldco@aol.com> wrote:
:>This is what proves Jesus is who He said He was God With Us!
:Oh god!  Someone left the stable open again!
Definitely not stable.

Re: What was...
John Guerin <guerin@mail.ias.kodak.com> wrote:
:Q:  What was Helen Kellers favorite color.
:A:  Corduroy
:Q:  Why was Helen Kellers leg yellow?
:A:  Because her dog was blind too.
John, your jokes are out of sight.

Re: Viagra - Diary Of A Wife
The Jolly Pirate <JP> wrote:
:God that is Funny!
Divine!

Re: Computers In Movies
Vampeleon <tonreg@icon.co.za> wrote:
:back to watching star wars for you !
May the farce be with you.

Re: Smart women
Zevra and his little green guy <feldco@aol.com> wrote:
:Should have been; Oxymorons revisited -
:Smart women
Actually, it's clever ladies.
:Military intellligence
Nice touch!

Re: Effect as a verb from people who bring death and taxes.
Steve Carter  <stevec@pubmail.easysoft.com> wrote:
:People who can't spell imitate are often derogatory towards
:padantic, senile, wordy, doctoral show-offs :-) .
ROTFL

Re: The adopted turtle
David Mason <dmm@dcs.ed.ac.uk> wrote:
:> How many couples do we have on this group anyway?
:> Zevra and his little green guy,
:> jossfam and avengance,
:> cheech and his ego...
:Captain Nitpick and his unfailing predictability.....
Kind of expected that.

Re: (no subject) (but I think we should name the thread)
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:ignorance rules
How come?

Re: Happiness Is a Warm Planet.... (humour)
:Jim Sharpe wrote:
:> Global warming is a THEORY. Nothing else.
That's just a hypothesis.

Re: Tiny The Lizard
Mr Funny Bone International <funnybone@lineone.net> wrote:
:Don't be a troll...
Actually, there is no such word in English!

Re: Ziggy's Joke o' the day (Fri, 12 Nov 1999)
Hoodah Thunkit  <billyblue@home.com> wrote:
:just kiddin wrote:
:> On Sat, 13 Nov 1999 20:30:04 GMT, Hoodah Thunkit
:> <billyblue@home.com> wrote:
:> >What happens during that summer month? Do you get your skis ready for
:> >the 11 winter months? And is it cheating if a reindeer pulls you?
:> You've got 11 winter months? You are lucky!
:We have 12 summer months in San Diego, CA. I was referring to Timo's
:homeland - Finland.
Now that's what I would call a seasoned response.

Re: All In Good Time \ a slice of pi
Blob <rflyzik@flash.net> wrote:
:Timo Salmi wrote:
:>fmhlaw <fmhlaw@home.com> wrote:
:>:Timo Salmi wrote:
:>:> :you have an exceptionally boring life, right ?
:>:> Now, why else would we be here?
:>: (Pi)(r)**2?  No, Pi are round, cornbread are squared.
:>We are running in circles! There is no way around it!
:Hey, Timo!  Do you know Henke?
Sorry, no. Is he in the circles?

Re: Im the only member of this group!?
Stephen Bennetts <stevelyn@globalnet.uk> wrote:
:Wow
Who is Im?

Re: WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "David Wrights" that inhabit Earth
Prime! And i say this in a gooood way!
Zevra and his little green guy <feldco@aol.com> wrote:
:Zevra, you mean we aren't _supposed_ to post 'humorous' urban
:legends?  Gee
That's just an urban legend.

Re: joke mail
Keith Lehman <lehmankj@csd.uwm.edu> wrote:
:MCant23790 wrote: 
:>The name of all the continents end with the same letter that
:>they start with.
:Wrong!
:North America and South America do NOT fit your description.
:All the others: Asia, Europe, Australia, Antarctica, Africa
:fit the description.
Fine! Let's have a fit.

Re: Humorous Quote
Webmaster  <webmaster@infoweb.hypermart.net> wrote:
:"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
But the revenue from inland?

Re: John Bobbit's Prayer
TRU2884 <tru2884@aol.com> wrote:
:tubby9073@aol.com
:prettyboy_31@hotmail.com
You ain't got a prayer!

Re: Get a FREE Apple iBook computer!
Tristan Fabriani <tfabriani@yahoo.com> wrote:
:Win a $2500 Apple iBook computer!
I'd rather lose it.

Re: INTERESTING FACTS
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:You had only ONE pony? How did you manage?
Just rode it out?

Re: The Traffic Cop
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:On 18 Jul 1999 02:43:09 +0300, ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi) wrote:
:>just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:>:Why are men like lawn mowers?
:>:They are hard to get started, and they only work half the time.
:>Don't get me started.
:I wouldn't even dare to try!
That's a good start.

Re: Normal American
Eric Rodrigues Guimaraes <eric@dcc.ufmg.br> wrote:
:That's GREAT! We're not just in a jokes news group! We also have
:clowns posting in it. You guys are so funny!
:hahahahahahahahah You should work in a circus...
Certainly! Where do we join you?

Re: Something To Make You Think - The Answers
David Martin  <anonymous@web.remarq.com> wrote:
:Nope. sorry... next year, 2000, will not have a February 29.
Better wake up from your daydream.

Re: Face the music
:* ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi) wrote:
:>You've all of course heard of the crooked singer who's lyrics came
:>from his rap sheet.
:What if he was standing on a rock 'n it rolled down a hill.  Would
:that put a different slant on things?
Dunno, Ron, so I'll play along. You beat me there. Let's make a note
of it. In no time flat.

Re: Erisson Phone with Vibration Pack!
RC  <rcchen@netvigator.com> wrote:
:R0lGODlhNwKQAfcAAAAAAAAHAAAIAA8IAAAADwAHDwAIDw8PDw8QDxAQABAYDwAPEA8XEA8Q
HAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA

Re: Puzzle 2
John Sergent  <jsergent@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
:Hilary Roberts wrote:
:> It takes six men six days to dig six holes.  How long does
:> it take one man to dig half a hole?
:What is half a hole?
Hey! I digged that.

Re: HELP!
Tom G <thgear@essex.ac.uk> wrote:
:i have some lefover spaces you can borrow, just cut and paste them
:when you need them:
:
:
:
:
I tried to, but drew a blank.

Re: Of All Things...
<polkaking@my-dejanews.com> wrote:
:When I visited Sweden I wanted to buy some cattle, but they
:wouldn't let me take the Stockholm.
Why? Couldn't you Seattle the payment?

Re: Tons of jokes here!!!
PegLegBoy <peglegboy@hotmail.com> wrote:
:http://...........
Too heavy!

Re: chinese students applogize to US for burning down US consualte
Jamie  <zemran@hempseed.com> wrote:
:Are not all well know facts just popular opinions ?
That's the general belief.

Re: Lame joke of the day
Jen  <jc02@portsmouth.k12.nh.us> wrote:
:Paul wrote:
:> Have anyone heard the joke about the 50 foot monster??
:> no, i guess it must be over your head.
:that was the lamest joke i have ever heard in my entire life.
The lamest? How about a joke about a one foot monster?

Re: ST. PATRICK'S DAY: MEMORIAL TO ETHNIC CLEANSING!!!!!!!
Micheal <spam@spamco.com> writes
>Learn to spell and don't post anything to rec.humor unless
>it's funny.
What's so funny about learning to spell?

Re: Which country you prefer to migrate?
Eurasmus B. Black <billyblue@home.com> wrote:
:Leonardo wrote:
:> I may have misunderstood the question, but I'd like to migrate
:> America to Mars.
:Then who would save you in the next war?
The Martians?

Re: Does it hurt?
Kent Nielsen <kent.nielsen@get2net.dk> wrote:
:>Ctyapt Cabopu
:Either your Russian spelling stinks, or else it's Polish.
Nah! No polish.

Re: Stupid Questions
John Sergent  <jsergent@ix.netcom.com> wrote:
:Timo Salmi wrote:
:> Eurasmus B. Black <billyblue@home.com> wrote:
:> :Joao Luis wrote:
:> :> We put the date (correctly) as day/month/year because we live
:> :> days/months/years!! 30 days to a month, NOT the other way 'round!
:> :So you have 360 day years? No wonder you're all effed up over there.
:> What! No banks over where you live?
:What do banks have to do with it?
It is a question of interest.
(Thanks for playing along. You walked right into it!)

Re: Psst!!! Don't tell my Christian friends...
Gizelle <norush@homechoice.co.za> wrote:
:"Your answer is invalid. Please update your version of the ultimate
:question"
What?

Re: Clinton Vs Titanic
JSMadsen <jsmadsen@id4usa.net> wrote:
:COOL joke !!!
Ice cool, in fact.

Re: clinton's Xmas gift
Tim Cook <timcook@swbell.net> wrote:
:Timo Salmi wrote:
:> mervyn wrote:
:> :What did Bill Clinton get his wife for Christmas?
:> :Anything but flowers!
:> Yet these jokes are blooming.
: Why don't you go petal these jokes elsewhere?
That's a rather withering comment.

Re: Customized Coffins
TheCrypt1 <thecrypt1@aol.com> wrote:
:CUSTOMIZED COFFINS
:Go out in style!!
Hey! Let's not get carried way.

Re: Customized Coffins
TheCrypt1 <thecrypt1@aol.com> wrote:
:CUSTOMIZED COFFINS
:Go out in style!!
But think who is cashing in!

Re: English Lesson
Eurasmus B. Black <billyblue@home.com> wrote:
:Phooey wrote:
:> <langm@duke.usask.ca> writes
:> >Signed 'A pretty good lawyer, but a terrible speller' (I think I
:> >wrote the word  'anacronym' incorrectly)
:> You spelt it correctly, you just missed the space, an acronym
:I notice that people do that alot with the words 'a lot'.
That's your lot.

Re: Some Trivia
William J. Evans; mail protected by spamgard{tm} <wje@acm.org> wrote:
:"James L. Scheff" <jscheff@webhire.com> wrote:
::If someone wants to celebrate the beginning of the year 2000, so be it.
:And that's the correct designation of the beginning of the new
:millennium.  It began on the zeroeth of January.
That was naughty, Captain!

Re: ...*one* reason to hate the brits.....
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:On Fri, 14 Jan 100 11:22:38 GMT, tonreg@icon.co.za (Vampeleon ~..~)
:wrote:
:> trust me.
:Good joke!
I'll take your word for it.

Re: Isn't this supposed to be a humor newsgroup?
Julio Riquelme M. <jrm1@hotmail.com> wrote:
:begin 666 Re_ Wizard of Oz - Today.nws
:M4&%T:#H@;6%U;&4A;F5W<RUO=70N8W=I>"YC;VTA;F5W<V9E960N8W=I>"YC
(snip)
Bucking for the Usenet hall of flame?

Subject: Re: Another bad idea
Zevra and his little green guy <feldco@aol.com> wrote:
:>ts@UWasa.Fi  (Timo Salmi) wrote:
:>Andrew <abeak@mweb.co.za> wrote:
:>:I *hate* uniformity.
:>So do I.
:Me too.
Don't we all!

Subject: Re: I'm Sorry Honey
SJI  <qualm89@hotmail.com> wrote:
:Thank you for posting this.  This posting was a hell of a lot
:funnier then the posting of the same joke day before yesterday.
Another oxymoron? Instant vintage.

Subject: Re: Gays
lisa <lisa@morningwood.net> wrote:
:Hey-i didn't know there was a gardening newsgroup. Thanks!
The only cultivated newsgroup on Usenet?

Subject: Re: GoodGrief he's got  JC Syndrome!
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:On 04 Feb 2000 14:32:30 GMT, feldco@aol.com (Zevra and his little
:green guy) wrote:
:> I thought that was an axe?  Has she ground it already?
:>Zevra, Cheese and JC! Beware people as  Lizzy is rampaging!
:>Be afraid people, be very, very afraid . . .
:You want to drag me in your thread, but you will not succeed.
What a drag!

Subject: Re: clean please (Top of the mornin to ya.)
Jen <quasar@northcoast.com> wrote:
:On Mon, 07 Feb 2000 06:05:49 GMT, Merv <mcripps2@home.com> wrote:
:>Have you ever seen anyone kiss the Blarney Stone.
:>Is that funny, or what?
:What's a blarney stone? Is that like a gall stone?
:duh duh duh duh
How galling!

Subject: Re: 02/02/2000 and 29/02/2000.
Hoodah Thunkit  <billyblue@home.com> wrote:
:Yeah, right - with 14 of them falling in February
Didn't they rather spring in February?

Subject: Re: Cool page
Mark Yu <markmfyu@ctimail3.com> wrote:
:P.S. remember to sign my guest book(again for those that have came) and
And what about those of us who have no came?

Subject: Re: JOKE MAIL
MCant23790 <mcant23790@aol.com> wrote:
:Please forward freely!
Thank you for being so forward.

Subject: Re: George Bush jokes
Greg Evans <greg@larkbooks.com> wrote:
:Timo Salmi wrote:
:> :Anyone have any good GW jokes. I am especially interested in any making
:> :fun of his drug abuse.
:> Sorry, I have none to inject.
:Professor, you're sharp as a needle!  I'm sure you come up with many such
:cutting lines with that razor-sharp wit!
Thanks Greg! Very incisive.

Subject: Re: Rugby vs. American Football
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:more, more
More or less.

Subject: Re: Ten Articles of Duck Tape (Back with a twist)
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
:just kiddin wrote:
:> Do you always do what your mom told you to?
:Mommy told me not to answer that question.
Way to go, Greg! Mum's the word.

Subject: Re: 02/02/2000 and 29/02/2000.
GoodGrief  <workin.4.peanuts@my.job> wrote:
:Girls say the damndest things when you
:put them in front of a mirror.
An interesting reflection!

Subject: Re: Looking for redneck jokes
Djurkwhad <not@chance.com> wrote:
:Thanks in advance.
You are welcome in retrospect.

Subject: Re: She was only the....
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
:Hoodah Thunkit wrote:
:> Didn't realize you swung that way.
:This way and that way and this way and that way...
Greg, you real swinger, you.

Subject: Re: -= Three Squaws =-
dt_data  <dt_dataNOdtSPAM@hotmail.com.invalid> wrote:
:Aha!  Looks like somebody's finally on the right track.
Nothing left.

Subject: Re: Pilot jokes
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
:just kiddin wrote:
:> That's funny, our November has only 30 days.
:That's why our American Novembers are superior.
May that be?

Subject: Re: NIJE ZA PURITANCE!
Mixitron M. Storm <dark.dragon@altavista.net> wrote:
:This is a multi-part message in MIME format.
I'll have no part in this.

Subject: Re: Fear
Michael <Michael.blaney@royalmail.co.uk> wrote:
:> Elisabeth
:> cheese spotting
:Smart kid, observant too
You noticed!

Subject: Re: Joke
TiG <TiG@home.with.plenty.of.beer> wrote:
:Please post similar material to rec.clueless
What's that?

Subject: Re: Asian athletes
Sam Bell <illinisam11@yahoo.com> wrote:
:And another thing, what's the deal with airline peanuts? ...
Not much!

Subject: Re: -= The Plan =- New MP comedy The Life of Jen
Sinatra <Im@home.org> wrote:
:I *prefer* tabasco sauce ... it's HOT !
Cool!

Subject: Re: Deadly Sex
Jerry G. <jerryg50@hotmail.com> wrote:
:I like the name Sherry La Rue.   In English it would mean  "Sherry The
:Street".   The word  "La Rue" means "The Street"!
No way!

Subject: Re: Whoa! What a concept!
Lik Mai Sak  <cuddlybear101@yayahoo.com> wrote:
:Franke wrote:
:> Yes, I am really tired now...1500 kilometers is a long way to
:> drive...szzzzzzz
:No it isn't. Unless you are using a 3 iron.
Ah! Of course.

Subject: Re: Whoa! What a concept!
Jule  <jasmac@newave.net.au> wrote:
:I can hold my own.  But I'd rather hold yours.
Hold it right there!

Subject: Re: Monkey Business
The Chimaera <the.chimaera@tesco.net> wrote:
:I thought someone already had, the cork had come out, and now we're
:being flooded by ancient jokes.
And the rest is history!

Subject: Re: Whoa! What a concept!
Franke <ftaylor@bigpond.net.au> wrote:
:Im not British.
Nor Am.

Subject: Re: Zyvox In Fort Knox
G Swaine <g.swaine@the.gluepot.com> wrote:
:> > Oh for the love of god stop!! I'm going to be seriously ill if
:> > YOU DON'T STOP IT
:We're still waiting for someone to be humourously ill.
That is sick!

Subject: Re: Roy Rogers (Pun)
Omar  <camelhumper2@nospam.xoomail.com> wrote:
:On 26 Apr 2000 01:53:55 +0300, ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi) wrote:
:>Paradigm Lost  <koshsez2@THE.EVIL.hotmail.com> wrote:
:>:"Pardon me boy. Is that the Chatanooga choo-choo..."
:>:It was a song when old people were young.
:>What is it now?
:A cuntry classic.
I never realized it has turned that adult.

Subject: Re: Supernatural Jokes
Ivel  <laf_man@excite.com> wrote:
>Timo Salmi wrote:
>> On 26 Apr 2000 12:52:36 +0300, ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi) wrote:
>> >Reminds me of the day when someone was seriously asking if there
>> >is a Usenet newsgroup for psychics.
>> There also (true too) was the suggestion to organize an anarchists'
>> newsgroup.
>Lemme guess, alt.anarchy.moderated, right?
ROTFL!
It is uncanny where the supernatural jokes may lead!

Subject: Re: ONE LINERS
bluefish <mark@fishtank.org.uk> wrote:
:One Liners
:A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and
:said "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I
:didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
This one does not count!

From: The Great Gray Skwid <skwid@my-deja.com>
Subject: Re: May Day, May Day, SOS!
We leaned closer as John Goodwin <jgdwn@my-deja.com> whispered:
>   ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi) wrote:
> > Ian Rutson <rutson@rutson.com> wrote:
> > :"Tim Bruening" <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote:
> > :If you have to explain it, it just aint funny
> > How come?
> Because jokes usually require a degree of sponenaity and surprise. If
> you have to go through a process of explanation both of those are lost.
Timo: 1
Goodwin: 0

Subject: Re: OFFENSIVE LINKS
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:On 3 May 2000 13:22:42 +0300, ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi) wrote:
:>Nyarlathotep  <crawlingchaosNOcrSPAM@damnage.com.invalid> wrote:
:>:Go ahead and post a flame...like I give a shit what someone
:>:else thinks...
:>                  **** Contradiction alert ***
:>If that were true, one would not bother telling about it.
:                   **** Celebration alert ****
:Timo posted a whole sentence.
Thanks for the judgement.

Subject: Re: Is Unix difficult?
Steve <steve@local.host.home.com> wrote:
:Little bored are we? <g> BTW define difficult.
That is not easy.

Subject: Re: Is it true?
Ivel <laf_man@excite.com> wrote:
:Timo Salmi wrote:
:> Ivel <laf_man@excite.com> wrote:
:> :GIVE ME AMBIGUITY OR GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE!!
:> Or else?
:Whatever.
Perhaps!

Subject: Re: Is it true?
<gyan@post.com> wrote:
: welcome to the world of virtual reality. It is for real
Imagine!

Subject: Re: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Frank A. Rosenbaum <farosenbaumrr@earthlink.net> wrote:
:What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
:FLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
That's over the hill.

Subject: Re: Bad Trucker
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
:Nobody wrote:
:> No, I am not a net. I am on the Net. Neither am I on a net.
:I'd say the Net value of this thread is zero.
Now that I would call true discounting.

Subject: Re: Search for humor here!
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
:just kiddin wrote:
:> (I don't beat drunken people)
:What game are you playing, that even drunks beat you at it?
:And can I play?
My, my, aren't we in a playful mood today!

Subject: Re: President Clinton 'Delighted' With Blair Baby
Roger Henry  <rdhenry@worldspy.net> wrote:
:Because it looks just like him.  Go figure.
You 2!

Subject: Re: I want to retire
Nigel Waters <n.p.w@btinternet.com> wrote:
:Bloody hell....... I was telling this one over 20 years ago!!!!!!!!!
:Hope you've got some better material than this.
Is that material?

Subject: Re: Medical Students
Charles Howlett  <Hmdoc@home.com> wrote:
:Oh, He's one of those "every one else is an idiot" idiots!!!!
That sure is idiotic.

Subject: Re: Looking for boyfriend
Tony Smith  <ajsmith@rivernet.com.au> wrote:
:dcoble wrote:
:> Looking for boyfriend
:I'm still looking for the joke.
For a joke of a boyfriend?

Subject: Re: Medical Students
Charles Howlett  <Hmdoc@home.com> wrote:
:Wait a moment, i was critisized, i just asked why was the joke funny.
:Is everyone els here just to slam other people?
Why, of course! What els is there?

Subject: Re: Paranormal Jokes
Chris <xtcharge@yahoo.com.nospam> wrote:
:How did the ghosts girlfriend know he was lying?
:She could see right through him.
Speak of a transparent joke!

Subject: Re: @#$%^&^%$#@@
Mark Wallace <mw_os@telinco.co.uk> wrote:
:Mary E Knadler wrote:
:> !@#$%^&*()_+
:Can I buy a vowel?
I was going to make a consonant request.

Subject: Re: the new batch of cartoons  (funny pictures) is there
Burner <justwhenyouthoughtthiswasafakeemailaddressbutihadtosurpriseyouwiththismailaddres
snowiambeginningtogetconfusedmyselfwhetherthisisgoingtowork@hafizur.com> wrote:
:i believe the faq states that you must submit a joke with every post
Is that a FAQ?

Subject: Re: Johnny's Turtle
michael <Michael@itsnotreallyme.com> wrote:
:just kiddin wrote:
:> Of course do all my husbands know that I am a married woman!
:How many "husbands" have you "had"?
Trivially obvious! She's had all of them.

Subject: Re: Who you are makes a difference
Blob <rflyzik@flash.net> wrote:
:> imagine a member of the IWW being described as 'sentimental'.... kind
:International Wrestling Women's Workshop?
You really must have wrestled with that one!

Subject: Re: Ways to get rid of blind dates
Keith E.  <keithe@bigfoot.com> wrote:
:On Fri, 04 Aug 2000 13:36:52 +0200, just kiddin
:<maelmill@EUnet.at> must have felt really silly saying:
:>there is no such a thing as a weed
:You need to find a dealer.
Don't push it, Keith!

Subject: Re: How to become an American Citizen
Keith E.  <keithe@bigfoot.com> wrote:
:Want some flypaper?
On the fly!

Subject: Re: How to become an American Citizen
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:I will dig a hole in the ground and hide there.
On what grounds?

Subject: Re: Ways to get rid of blind dates
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:Nobody can deal with me.
Not in the cards, right?
:Elisabeth
:it helps to have a garden, though
One kind of grows on it?

Subject: Re: This is Susan...
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:On Fri, 4 Aug 2000 14:48:04 +0200, "Knopgat" <ebony7@iafrica.com.na>
:wrote:
:>Drink till ya can't anymore, and then have a last one.
:It is called "savoir vivre".
How did you know?

:You think you are so clever, Perfesser!
Is that wise?

Subject: Re: Normal American
Oh no! Not yet another of those oxymoron threads.

Subject: Re: I need help
Brett What <brettwhat@aol.com> wrote:
:My computer just doesn't get into the games at all!!!  What do I do?
Play along.

Subject: Re: Vampire Puns
Tim Bruening  <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote:
:I love blood draining vampire puns.  Do you?
No! They suck.

Subject: Re: Vampire Puns
Tim Bruening  <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote:
:I love blood draining vampire puns.  Do you?
Only if they are in the humorous vein.

Subject: Re: Vampire Puns
Tim Bruening  <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote:
:I love blood draining vampire puns.  Do you?
They tend to be a bit too anemic for my taste.

Subject: Re: Vampire Puns
Q: And what do you say if a vampire tries to get too personal?
A: Bite me!

Subject: Re: Joe asked Alan, an old venture capitalist....
FreeFunFactory.com <jokeng@freefunfactory.com> wrote:
:Hi all...New Today!
We'll see about that tomorrow!

Subject: Re: Lawyer Puns
Tim Bruening  <tsbrueni@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote:
:davep wrote:
:>         Should we advocate lawyer puns?
:I believe that a good case can be made for lawyer puns.:)
Then I guess we all just will have to follow suit.

Subject: Re: I am looking for blondes jokes
G Swaine <g.swaine@the.gluepot.com> wrote:
:"default" <bg-gallus@schulen.vol.at> wrote ...
:> I am looking for blondes jokes.
:You wont find any here - we (in rec.humor) all admire blondes and dont
:want to insult them with untrue and unkind jokes at their expense.
But what if the jokes were real cheap?

Subject: Re: COME SMELL THE CHEESE
Greg Evans <greg@larkbooks.com> wrote:
:just kiddin wrote:
:> When you dine in Spain and order a dish named Bullseye, guess what
:> you get?
:Nauseated?
Bull's-eye!

Subject: Re: Show me something cheap
Mr F.B.I. <Mr-FBI-Subscribe@egroups.com> wrote:
:"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
:So the clerk handed him a mirror.
Which made him reflect, right?

Subject: Re: MUSICAL COFFEE MUG HAUNTING AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
In article <8uhmsc$te@nnrp2.farm.idt.net>, dcoble <dcoble@stic.net> wrote:
:Although she thinks the man's ghost is haunting the mug, Peck believes
:the ghost is harmless -- except for his taste in music.
What a mug!

Subject: Re: English Joke...
lab~rat  >:-) <SnapTrap@ouchyoufucker.ork> wrote:
:I take it the english joke is the way you composed that sentence.
:Do you want polite or do you want sincere?
Composed!

Subject: Re: English Joke...
In article <8uh0hi$vfn$1@nnrp1.deja.com>,  <wairdragonet@my-deja.com> wrote:
:why borther take yourself to a site to find some good staff.. i already one
:here for all of u who like english jokes
Written by u very own stuff, right?

Subject: Re: Ziggy's Joke o' the day (Fri, 10 Nov 2000)
Simon sayz <phoeniz@hotmail.com> wrote:
:where is the joke ? stop writing so much bullshit and get to the point
                             .

Subject: Re: Knot Enough
Chris <xtcharge@yahoo.com.nospam> wrote:
:I have to ask... what the hell is a "privaX-Mozilla-Status: 0009" "????
The one right after "privaX-Mozilla-Status: 0008"

Subject: Re: Good luck America
lab~rat  >:-) <SnapTrap@ouchyoufucker.ork> wrote:
:We're gonna recount til we get the number right.
:-Al Gore (well, not in so many words)
You mean he's going to do a number on you?

Subject: Re: I LOVE YOU CHRIS!
Chris <xtcharge@yahoo.com.nospam> wrote:
:Isn't the internet a wonderful place? People of all cultures and
:nations can come together in the name of cooperation, and then
:bitch at each other?
Yeah, isn't it a bitch!

Subject: Re: Natural Lows (was NATURAL HIGHS)
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
:resisting with all my might
I thought you might!

Subject: Re: RADIO DISC JOCKEY
Mel <mel@adderleystreet.FIXIT.co.za> wrote:
:get lost
Don't get found.

Subject: Re: Police
The Jigsaw Man  <JgzMan@yahoo.com> wrote:
:> More humor, less comments.
:You started it, man.
And that's a fact!

Subject: Re: One armed burglar
Keith H <keffa@mailandnews.com> wrote:
:> And give me a break an post at the bottom, not at the top!
:> And learn to snip too...
:I do usually but I was in a hurry when I wrote that message.
(snap)

Subject: Re: One armed burglar
Keith H <keffa@mailandnews.com> wrote:
:And whats wrong with living in the UK, nicest place in the world to
:live if you ask me!
Ok, I won't!

Subject: Re: Snotty Pottynose
Zaku II <zaku2ms06@aol.coma> wrote:
:The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
Ok, let's all be Zakkenwasser from now on.

Subject: Re: Revocation of Independance
Keith E.  <keithe@bigfoot.com> wrote:
:Just as long as it isn't a battle of wits; we'd _never_ get a new
:president!
So what's the problem?

Subject: Re: The day the insects escaped
Douglas Simms (LMC) <lmcdosi@lmc.ericsson.se> wrote:
:Millions of insects escaped, and it was my fault.
Obviously there was a bug.

Subject: Re: Even wonder why?
Carl Pollock <carl_pollock@hotmail.com> wrote:
:Just like the pedestrian crossing buttons.
Why did the pedestrian cross the buttons?

Subject: Re: (:)MENSA Reject of the Week
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
:just kiddin wrote:
:> I think shivering pigs look cute.
:Incidentally, Shivering Pigs is the name of my new band.  We play
:Pork'n'Roll.
Greg, you swine! :-)

Subject: Re: Revocation of Independance
enduser <bullfrog@chello.com.au> wrote:
:and the point is.........
Ok, ok! We got all your points.

Subject: Re: Guess who killed her mother??
The Yeti  <yetijukebox@home.com> wrote:
:<mel@adderleystreet.FIXIT.co.za> wrote:
:>from me, or should I just get comfortable with Mr. Razor...
:Nah.... a dull rusty one will do just fine.
That was blunt!

Subject: Re: TOP SECRET Transcript of Florida Supreme Court Deliberations
Zevra, my very own groupie <feldco@aol.com> wrote:
:Greg wrote:
:>*Again* with the puns!  You should maybe see a doctor.
: You think Timo would see me on such short notice?
Good brief!

Subject: Re: Wrecked Humor Poll: How Should the Presidential Election be Resolved?
Greg Evans <greg@larkbooks.com> wrote:
:Timo Salmi wrote
:> Greg Evans <greg@larkbooks.com> wrote:
:> :Why is it that the guarantees most likely to come to pass, are the
:> :ones people want the least?  The guarantees we *really* want never
:> :really seem to work out...
:> Not to worry, Greg. I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
:Thanks ever so much.  I shall put the rest of my life on hold and
:await your word with 'bated breath.
My word!

Subject: Re: Revocation of Independance
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
:just kiddin wrote:
:> >You don't *have* a mind to lose.
:> Wrong, wrong, wrong.
:> It's:
:> You can't have a mind too loose.
:It's his loose *morals* that concern me.
Nicely loosed!

Subject: Re: Christmas Quiz
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:thegigglefactory@aol.com (Charlie Giggle) wrote:
:>NAME THAT CHRISTMAS CAROL
:Obviously, it is quiz time this week?
My, my. Aren't we quizzical today!

From: ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi)
Mr F.B.I. <Mr-FBI-Subscribe@egroups.com> wrote:
:"Timo Salmi" <ts@UWasa.Fi> wrote:
:> Mr F.B.I. <Mr-FBI-Subscribe@egroups.com> wrote:
:> :"Yes, but first i'd like to know how do you
:> :prepare your chickens?"
:> :"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell
:> :them straight out that they're going to die."
:> A real killer of a joke, I'm sure.
:I suppose you had to be there to really appreciate it...
:Works better as a visual joke...
Ok, I see.

Subject: Re: Pullovers (was: Help from the Bible)
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi) wrote:
:>just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:>:ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi) wrote:
:>:>just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
:>:>:"Greg Evans" <gregevans@home.com>
:>:>:>What do I get for spotting a song?
:>:>:A song with spots on it?
:>:>You'd prefer a spotless song?
:>:I prefer a songless spot, thank you.
:>Let's see if we can spot one for you.
:I've already searched all the familiar spots for it.
Well spotted, Elisabeth. Had you not hit the spot you would have
been in a spot on the spot.

Subject: Re: Got Truth? (The Perfesser Strain or The Timo Toppler Effect)
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
> "Greg Evans" <greg@larkbooks.com> wrote:
> >Zevra wrote:
> >> >new movie idea - The Perfesser Strain
> >You're right, I like Timo Toppler Effect better.
> Timo gets blue when he is leaving.
No way! I am not shifting!

Subject: Re: 3 Free Pics...
michl <look@that.com> wrote:
> Timo Salmi wrote
>  >> > > 3 Free Pics...
> >> > What 4?
> >> In order 2 Spam us, but I wasn't interested -- I just 8.
> >Good. Now you can take 5.
> Just as 1 in-10-did
I'll 2nd to that.

Subject: Re: THE AMERICAN
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
> On 18 Jan 2001 19:59:53 +0200, ts@UWasa.Fi (Timo Salmi) wrote:
> >michl <look@that.com> wrote:
> >> Your petty corrections have not achieved anything
> >You are missing the point.
> It's called a period.
Occasionally. (I'll refrain from the more obvious.)

Subject: Re: THE AMERICAN
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
> Timo Salmi wrote:
> > (I'll refrain from the more obvious.)
> That's not like you.  Are you feeling unwell?
Well ...

Subject: Re: Challenge....!
RamSys  <ramsys.KILLSPAM@bigfoot.com> wrote:
> It's no wonder your mind could come up with Nothing...
Nether mind.

Subject: Re: Love
Sidney Burrows  <sebj@bellsouth.net> wrote:
> "Oh darling, I missed you!" she cried, as she fired again.
Gives quite a new meaning to overkill.
(And merits the best pun of the month award.)

Subject: Re: More XXX photo
In article <3A6A9287.B7CDA42@100.net>, Queen  <Queen@100.net> wrote:
> More XXX photo
Too late. We've already moved to ZZZ!

Subject: Re: Women Q and A...
Keith E.  <keithe@bigfoot.com> wrote:
> On Mon, 22 Jan 2001 04:58:35 GMT, Randall Flagg
> <narcissistic@excite.com> escaped from the institution, and ran
> away screaming:
> >  "lincoln" <lfs@hm.web> wrote:
> >> Randall?  Randall is a bitch?  I didn't even know he was gay!
> >just unordinarily happy!  and i think you snipped the relavant part!
> <shudder> That makes you _happy_???
What's this? Relavance lost?

Subject: Re: Passing A Math Test
Keith E.  <keithe@bigfoot.com> wrote:
> On Mon, 22 Jan 2001 12:44:47 -0000, "Mr FBI"
> >i'm sure i only posted some of these jokes the other day....
> So, it's _your_ fault!!!
Sounds correct to a fault.

Subject: Re: Passing A Math Test
Greg Evans <greg@larkbooks.com> wrote:
> Mr FBI, of all people, whined:
> > i'm sure i only posted some of these jokes the other day....
> Oh man, the irony is killin' me!!
More! More!
(No, not really)

Subject: Re: Here is a Cool Pic...
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
> A trend-bucker?
Oh sure. It's the lastest fad.

Subject: Re: Being funny
Harrison Stuart <oracle_1001@excite.com> wrote:
> You yanks are the ones who cannot spell "alu-min-ium"
> greets.
> A brit
Attaboy! Imconpetense annyos you?

Subject: Re: Ziggy's Joke o' the day (Mon, 15 Jan 2001)
Nomad  <nomad@mauimail.com> wrote:
> Greg Evans wrote:
> > just kiddin wrote:
> > > You like my headers?
> > OK, who's brave enough to follow up with a "giving header" joke?
> Forget it...I asked to see her "hooters", but all I got were owls.
My, my! Aren't you quite a hoot.

Subject: Re: The Bizarre Death
Zevra, my very own groupie <feldco@aol.comOrionIII> wrote:
>  stupid merkins will believe anything!
Who told you that?

Subject: Re: Newbie's genealogy enquiry.
fortune's child <agrewal@swaphut.com> wrote:
> Jesus!  It wasn't funny the first time!  FOaD!
So you want a second coming?

Subject: Re: FOR ALL ANIMAL LOVERS
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
> Greg
> nothing to prove
Where's the evidence?

Subject: Re: not funny
A-Non <cantstandspam@aol.com> wrote:
> no sense of humor at all.
Sounds serious.

Subject: Re: (:)Riddles of Men
THE BIG PIG <kcds3@lycos.com> wrote:
>            ^..^       --(:)OINK!
> How do men sort their laundry?
> "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Speak of a dirty joke!

Subject: Re: The race horse
Dan Klee <bigmagic@modempool.com> wrote:
> Good one! I laughed my ass off!
Just try to put it behind you.

Subject: Re: I WILL MAKE YOU RICH BEYOND YOUR DREAMS.  4194
brucepm@pacbell.net wrote:
> CONTACT ME FOR DETAILS ON GETTING FILTHY RICH
  by cleaning you.

Subject: Re: misc
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
> Timo Salmi wrote:
> > > > > > ? People will accept your ideas much more readily if you
> > > > > > tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
> > > > > I'm pretty sure Ben Franklin coined that phrase.
> > > > Greg, thanks for the 2 cents worth.
> > > But it didn't make any sense to me.
> > Even if one can't make heads or tails of it, let's not pound on the
> > little flip.
> Coin you guys please quit?
Oh, come on, Greg! Just when we were beginning to have some
penny-ante pun.

Subject: Re: as Uncle Ted says. . .
David Reihmer  <simwah@mindspring.com> wrote:
> We were worried last week - with those higher temeratures came quite a
> bit of flooding.  But that's all water over the bridge.
A cause for temerity?

Subject: Re: Bye
Greg Evans <greg@larkbooks.com> wrote:
> may I suggest archaeology as an alternative
No thanks. It's all in ruins.

Subject: Re: BAD DAY ?  (long post)
Stuart O. Bronstein <sablaw@pacbell.net> wrote:
> Timo Salmi wrote:
> > Bill Colmers <william.colmers@ualberta.ca> wrote:
> > > Another Urban Legend refuses to die!!!
> > What if it did? A dead urban legend???
> The only good urban legend is a dead urban legend...
That's just a popular belief.

Subject: Re: Hansel and Gretel and Frode ( was Cool Pic...)
Frode Hansen  <fhans@world-online.no> wrote:
> Feel free.
Ok, if you absolutely insist.

Subject: Re: Vs: Australian Accident
Greg Evans <greg@larkbooks.com> wrote:
> everything's relative
Absolutely!

Subject: Re: Ziggy's Joke o' the day (Wed, 21 Feb 2001)
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
> Timo Salmi wrote:
> > > > Hooray for Jessica Rabbit!
> > > "I'm not bad; I'm just ... drawn that way."
> > A drawbad?
> Adrawbad; isn't that where Saddam Hussein lives?
Oh, bag that!

Subject: Re: Cerberus, having an identity crisis?
michl <look@that.com> wrote:
> jeez, you *remember* the '60s.
Like Yesterday.

Subject: Re: Who's better satisfied?
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
> Timo Salmi wrote:
> > > Who's better satisfied?
> > > A person with six children or A person with $6 million?
> > > The person with six children of course.
> > > Why? Because the one with $6 million wants more.
> > I don't get this. Why does the millionaire want more than six children?
> More tax deductions, of course!
How infantile!

Subject: Re: Cerberus, having an identity crisis?
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
> just kiddin wrote:
> > Isn't it nice when we agree?
> No, sorry, you're wrong.
Right!

Subject: Re: non-athletes
Peter Olsson  <emwonpr@emw.ericsson.se> wrote:
> Greg Evans wrote:
> > Peter Olsson wrote:
> > > Look at an old photograph of yourself in the mirror..
> > Hey -- it's backwards!
> YES! It is.. Wow, now you're 12 again AND 21 at the same time. Ain't
> that great?
No, it is thirty-three.

Subject: Re: Beer: Helping ugly people
> Hey, you guys do metric now?!
Every inch of the way.

Subject: Re: Light house joke
Hangin Tree Ranch <gdumer@mindspring.com> wrote:
> Can some one send me the Light house joke?
Sorry, we are all in the dark.

Subject: Re: The Ladder To Success
Keith E.  <keithe@bigfoot.com> wrote:
> HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
> Man, I wish I could say I planned it that way...
You don't say!

Subject: Re: Hansel and Gretel and Frode ( was Cool Pic...)
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
> just kiddin wrote:
> > Lice?
> No, none...I bathe regularly.  How about you?
That's nice. A clean joke.

Subject: Re: Dirty People
Heinz W. Wiggeshoff <ab528@FreeNet.Carleton.CA> wrote:
> "Cerberus - Dog Of Hell" (cerberusNO@SPAMmystacy.fsnet.co.uk) writes:
> > Bill: Did you know there are 60 million TV sets in
> > our country and only 45 million bathtubs?
> > Al: No, I didnt, but what does that prove?
> > Bill: Just that there are 15 million dirty people
> > watching TV.
>   Let's see now: basic set theory says - oh never mind.
Yes, but this is TV set theory.

Subject: Re: Where is god ?
twinbrookmichl <look@that.com> wrote:
> I thought one of you guys might give the obvious answer:
> "Here I am"
There you are!

Subject: Re: Unspeakably Stupid Stories
beachbumbernie@aol.com wrote:
> Unspeakably Stupid Stories
You don't say!

Subject: Re: photoshop 6
Jd <smily272@hotmail.com> wrote:
> If Jesus saves,which bank does he use?
Heaven knows.

Subject: Re: TOP 300 World Leaders (SRPOTW's)
twinbrookmichl <twinbrookmichaelnospam@aol.com> wrote:
> Timo Salmi wrote:
>>Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
>>>Timo Salmi wrote:
>>>>>>>>it's tress chick to use furrin words
>>>>>>>No, it's cocky.
>>>>>>Man, that was just fowl.
>>>>>She just has to say something like that now and hen.
>>>>Just let her brood.
>>>I ex-peck-ted you to say something like that.
>>Cackle, cackle!
>You guys jus' crack me up.
Sure. We have flocks of these.
>and I'm not going to ask who came first.
Chicken!

Subject: Re: Salzburger Polstern / kuddar
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
> "Greg Evans" <greg@larkbooks.com> wrote:
> >Incidentally, Outsourced Erasers is the name of my new band.
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> Isn't it a bit unusual to have a band name with a komma in it?
Komma again?

Subject: Re: Observations on life
Merv <mcripps2@home.com> wrote:
>  14. Nobody is normal.
Of course not. That's quite normal.

Subject: Re: another try for legal agreement
just kiddin <maelmill@EUnet.at> wrote:
> "Keith E." wrote:
> > You can say that again!
> No, I can't.
> Because the first time, I did not say it, I typed it.
That's so typical of you.

Subject: Re: Ziggy's Joke o' the day (Mon, 01 Oct 2001)
Larry Krzewinski <larry.kz@gte.net> wrote:
> "Timo Salmi" <ts@UWasa.Fi> wrote in message
> > Larry Krzewinski <larry.kz@gte.net> wrote:
> > > the typos that a lack of gravity can cause.
> > You are making light of this.
> Only when we are in direct sunlight.  We use batteries when we are on the
> dark side of the moon.
Thank you for the illumination.

Subject: Re: Biological Differences
Jamie <sokeroidi@gmx.co.uk> wrote:
> "Mr Funny Bone International" <funnybone@lineone.net> wrote:
> > Men drive to a party, women drive back.
> Now, I don't drive at all. What does that make me?
Pedestrian!

Subject: Re: Guess what is in my hand
twinbrookmichl <twinbrookmichael@aol.com> wrote:
> sometimes I think people take advantage of me
Even while you are at a disadvantage?

Subject: Re: THOUGHTS FOR TUESDAY
Merv Cripps <mcripps2@home.com> wrote:
> Parachute for sale. No strings attached.
Never opened.
> If someone bores you senseless, how can you tell?
In writing?

Subject: Re:  THOUGHTS FOR TUESDAY
Jamie <sokeroidi@gmx.co.uk> wrote:
> "Merv Cripps" <mcripps2@home.com> wrote:
> > Failed inventions, No 523: The inedible marker pen.
> Wouldn't an invisible marker pen be better?
Don't know. Never seen one.

Subject: Re: This newsgroup is filled with people who have no sense of humour.
G Swaine <g.swaine@the.gluepot> wrote:
> "Timo Salmi" <ts@UWasa.Fi> wrote ...
> > Wonko The Sane  <yeah@right.com> wrote:
> > > Or any sense of originality.
> > Now that was novel.
> Good to see your response was by the book
Thanks, but don't take it too literally.

Subject: Re: Newsserver
Fred <windows98se@gmx.net> wrote in news:alt.newbie
> Wer kennt andere Newsserver?
Who's Wer? (Knock knock!)

Subject: Re: Ziggy's Joke o' the day (Fri, 26 Oct 2001)
Steve Siegfried <sos@zjod.net> wrote:
> Terseness is its own reward.
yes

Subject: Re: jokes needed
Mike Kasiorek  <weewah@telerama.com> wrote:
> Hello there, I am looking for any kind of nautical joke that I could use
Ok, I'll sea if I have any.

Subject: Re: How To Impress A Woman
Greg Evans <gregevans@home.com> wrote:
> Timo Salmi wrote:
> > > > > > > Eeeeewwww!!  You put your money in your *mouth*??
> > > > > > > Remind me never to borrow from you...
> > > > > > Er, in fact, you just did.
> > > > > Oh, leave me a-loan!
> > > > But it was in my interest to see if you would coin a return.
> > > I think we've cashed these puns already.
> > True, they will lose their credibility at this rate.
> I feel so cheap....
Priceless!

Subject: Re: BRAIN TEASERS FOR THE BRILLIANT?
Eugene A. Pallat <eapallat@apk.net> wrote:
> Greg Evans wrote:
> > accuracy and precision counts
> Most people don't realize they aren't the same thing.  You *do* need
> both.
> Precision:  Pi = 28.4348905890458  Very precise, but wrong.
> Accuracy: Pi = 3.14   Not too precise, but far more accurate than the
> example above.
Precisely!

Subject: Re: Clone
Matthew Curry <matthewc@uab.edu> wrote:
> It's just a spoonerism.  Obscene Phone Call, Obscene Clone Fall...  Get it?
> HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Subject: Re: (:)In the Beginning ...nobody paid any attention
In article <3c49b835.22454789@nntp>, Alan Quinn <aquinn@email.com> wrote:
> I have ancestors who came from Ireland too.
Where else did they come from?

Subject: Re: Resolve
Larry Krzewinski <larry.kz@gte.net> wrote:
> "Greg Evans" <gregevans@charter.net> wrote in message
> > Timo Salmi wrote:
> > > > > No more commitments.
> > > > Are you committed to that Timo?
> > > That's for you to resolve.
> > I can't; I'm insolvent right now.
> You've both left me no choice.  I'm asking Sherlock Holmes to solve this
> one.
So you absolved yourself.

Subject: Re: BRAIN TEASERS FOR THE BRILLIANT?
Alan Quinn <aquinn@email.com> wrote at large:
> What is the largest value of 1?
The same as the smallest.

Subject: Re: Needing some advice
Greg Evans <gregevans@charter.net> wrote:
> some folks got no respect for precision machinery
In fact, that is not quite accurate.

   All the best, Timo  (aka Perfesser Pundit in news:rec.humor)

--
Prof. Timo Salmi ftp & http://garbo.uwasa.fi/ archives 193.166.120.5
Department of Accounting and Business Finance  ; University of Vaasa
mailto:ts@uwasa.fi <http://www.uwasa.fi/~ts/>  ; FIN-65101,  Finland
Digital photos collection at http://www.uwasa.fi/ktt/lasktoim/photo/
