I cannot exist by myself. I exist only in relationship to people, things, and ideas.
Relationship is the mirror in which we see ourselves as we are. All life is a movement in relationship… In that relationship which is the mirror in which we can see ourselves, we can discover what we are, our reactions, our prejudices, our fears, depression, anxieties, loneliness, sorrow, pain, grief. We can also discover whether we love or [whether] there is no such thing as love.
–Jiddu Krishnamurti
In Living Realization, we do not say that nothing exists. We say that no thing exists separately. Things exist as separate things only because of their relationship to each other. Relationship is duality. And duality is a product of thought. It comes straight from our language. Language is thought. So when we say “things,” we really mean “thoughts.” What Krishnamurti is ultimately pointing to is the recognition that all relationship is a movement of language, which is the same as saying it is a movement of thought. Test this out for yourself:
When you look around the room you are in right now, how do you know there are separate things? The only way to know that something appears to exist separately is through thinking. So a table appears to exist as a totally separate “thing” only when the thought of it appears. When you look into the room with bare naked awareness (i.e., without thought), you see the appearance of lines, textures, and colors. For example, the socalled table is one color and the items on the table as well as the floor underneath the table are different colors. But in looking at the room with bare naked, non-conceptual awareness, the thought “chair” does not appear. The thought is a concept. And so there is no way to know the chair as an independently existing “thing” without labeling it a “chair.” “Things” come into existence as separate and apart from each other only through emphasizing concepts. Concepts come straight from our language. So when we look at the room without our language, we look from what we really are in the deepest sense — pure, naked, non-conceptual awareness. Language appears and disappears within awareness. Language is not mirroring or simply reporting a dualistic reality “out there.” It is helping to create it. And once a “thing” appears, we know it as a separate thing only by its relationship to other things. Therefore, a chair is a chair because there are other things that are not chairs, such as a table or the floor.
Why is this discussion even important? Why not just recognize present awareness as the clear empty space that is looking right now? Why get involved in looking at the realm of appearances? The invitation in this chapter is not to think about how things exist in relationship or to analyze the realm of apparent phenomena. The invitation here is similar to the invitation in the chapter regarding “Core Story” and in all other chapters. Recognize present awareness right now. Don’t move to manipulate appearances. See that the appearances are not separate from awareness. We are discussing the mirror of relationship not to encourage you to manipulate the thoughts that appear, or to psychoanalyze your relationships or other people, but rather to assist in the seeing that the entire realm of duality is an appearance in awareness. Thought appears and disappears in awareness. That is to say, the notion of separate people is a product of thought appearing and disappearing in what we really are — awareness. That present seeing is all that is needed. No further analysis is necessary.
This seeing is profound! It reveals that conflict in relationship is a product of emphasizing thoughts rather than recognizing spacious awareness as our real identity. As will be discussed in more detail below, this seeing reveals that much of your thoughts about others have more to do with defining a self as against those others. There is no separate self without an “other.” The two ideas are mutually dependent upon one another. They appear together and get their individual meanings only in relation to each other. As the sense of “self” appears, the sense of “other” appears in conjunction with it. Just as you only know a “chair” as a separately existing thing through the concept “chair” and its relationship to other concepts that are “not chairs” including “table” and “floor,” you can only know a separate self by comparing and contrasting this “self” to an “other.” This creates the false appearance that people exist as totally separate “things.” Conflict appears as we seek to distance, compare, and differentiate ourselves from “others.” This conflict is a direct result of buying into a separation that is illusory (that is a product of thinking).
One of the simplest ways to begin looking at relationship is through the play of opposites in our language. Every word in our language (i.e., every thought) gets its meaning at least in part from what it is not. Every idea has an opposite and gets its meaning by implicit reference to that opposite. “Black” is black not because it is a certain appearance by and of itself. Nothing exists independently. It is black partly because of what it is not — white. Similarly, “up” is up partly because it is not “down.” “Left” is left partly because of its relationship to right. The list is endless. Here is a non-exhaustive list of opposites:
Another way to talk about the play of opposites within our language is to look at the distinction between presence and absence. A word often points to the presence of something. Its opposite is the absence of that thing. We define something, at least in part, by what it is not. For example:
This presence/absence relationship often shows up in spiritual teachings. It is important to see that even our most cherished spiritual terms are still the product of emphasizing dualistic opposites. It is important to see that even our most cherished spiritual terms are still the product of emphasizing thought and therefore duality.
Do you see that a word has no meaning without reference to other words, especially to its opposite? Words find their meaning through relationship. Letters are placed together to make words. Words are placed together to make sentences. Sentences are placed together to make paragraphs and so forth. Although this may seem obvious and somewhat elementary, it is often overlooked in our everyday life. We then buy completely into dualism, not recognizing that it appears only because thought appears. Stated another way, duality isn’t real. It isn’t “out there” in the world. It’s “in here” in the mind. And even that is a play of opposites. Out and in appear together as opposites. This is why awareness is often called “non-dual.” Awareness is prior to thought. It is the simple awake non-conceptual presence that is reading these words right now. It is not “of thought” at all. As non-dual awareness is realized, even “out” and “in” are seen to be purely conceptual.
The moment we look to thought for a sense of self or for understanding of any kind, we have entered this world of binary opposites. We have entered into a realm of duality. Therefore, we have entered into relationship.
The tendency in many spiritual and self-help programs is to assume that duality is real — to assume that there are actually two objects (e.g., self and other) that must somehow negotiate with one another. Shortly after that assumption is made, you are given advice on “how to act” in relationship with others. In Living Realization, the invitation is only to recognize your real identity as awareness and to see that the appearances “self” and “other” are appearances of awareness. There is something that sees both the thought “me” and the thought “other.” That which sees those thoughts is what you really are. Thoughts don’t see, nor do they speak, kiss, laugh, work, hear or anything else. Because people are “thoughts,” people can’t truly love each other. No two thoughts ever meet. Thoughts don’t meet. Thoughts are never actually in conflict. It just appears that there is conflict as we take ourselves to be thoughts. Thoughts don’t love each other either. What you are is awareness. Awareness is love. Love is not divided or broken. Thoughts merely appear and disappear in awareness. That is all they do. They come and go within the space that we are. Thoughts give rise to the illusion of separation. This is why it is often said that the realization of awareness is the realization of unconditional love.
Let’s be a little more specific about how separation appears, and therefore how conflict arises in relationship. Essentially, each person is a set of ideas. We aren’t speaking just of the “I” thought. In an unconscious or unseen sense, we really believe that we are various dualistic stories and that our sense of self is tied into thought. Here is a non-exhaustive list of those stories we take ourselves to be and the stories we tell about others in our illusion of separation:
These are all thoughts. Nothing else. They have no reality “out there.” Separate things and people don’t exist except through thinking. Do you see the play of opposites happening in these stories we tell about ourselves and in our opinions about the world? In order to be a good person, there have to be “bad people” out there. In order to be attractive, there have to be unattractive people. In order for you to hold an opinion, there has to be someone else who holds an opposite opinion. For example, in order for my opinion that America is great to have any real meaning, I must be able to define that opinion as against something else out there — namely, the opinion that America is not great. Every position needs an opposite. To be a Muslim, there must be others who are not-Muslims (e.g. there must be Christians). Without an opposite, there is no identity. No separation.
We find individual identities through thoughts. This is selfcentered or ego-centric thinking. It’s the self v. other paradigm. We also often join groups or define ourselves as part of a larger collective identity such as a race, association, church, nation, philosophy or political party. This is group-centered or ethno-centric thinking. It’s the us v. them paradigm. It’s still identification with thought. There is nothing wrong with thinking nor is there anything wrong with being a member of a group. Separation and conflict appear when we emphasize these thoughts for our identity rather than recognizing awareness as our real identity. We keep separation alive by making sure there are others who we can define ourselves against, who we can disagree with, and be in conflict and war with. We pick a dualistic word and marginalize its opposite. For example, throughout history Christians have marginalized the “others,” namely non-Christians. Russians have marginalized the others, namely non-Russians. Whites have marginalized others, namely blacks. The list goes on. Do you see what we are doing with language? We draw conceptual boundary lines. We treat those boundary lines as real, rather than conceptual. All boundary lines are potential battle lines.
From the viewpoint of being a separate self, outwardly judging an “other” is the way in which you separate yourself from the other. If the outward judgment is that people are controlling, this implicitly means that you see yourself as not controlling. The list is endless. If my spouse is wrong, I’m right. If my boss is a jerk, I’m a good guy. If I’m a victim, others are perpetrators. If I’m unfortunate, others appear fortunate. In order to be rich, others have to be poor. In order to be spiritual, there have to be others that are labeled “unspiritual.”
By simply seeing this play of opposites as it appears in awareness, identification relaxes naturally. As identification relaxes, conflict disappears. This is perfect proof that conflict arises only when there is identification with thought. When conflict arises, there is usually an emotional component also. We experience conflict with “others” as thoughts and emotions in the body. See this for yourself. Envision someone in your life with whom you are in conflict. Bring up painful scenarios in the past between you and the other person. Now stop thinking about the other person for one moment and feel into the body. What appears as an “other” out there in the world is really experienced very intimately within what we call “mind” and “body.” The only way to know an “other” is through thought and emotion. Now, drop the ideas “body” and “mind” and simply recognize a non-conceptual space within. That space is awareness. It is what you truly are. Within that space, all relationship and conflict play out. In recognizing that you are this space, the thoughts and emotions that give rise to conflict are allowed to be just as they are. The thoughts and emotions are seen as inseparable appearances of awareness. This means that the thoughts and emotions are not happening ultimately to a person. They are happening in a space. And the thoughts and emotions are none other than the space. In other words, there is no way to find a definite boundary line between the appearances within the space and the space itself. That seeing is acceptance. It is seen that there is no one there in conflict with self, other, life, or the world. It is all simply appearing exactly the way it is appearing.
It is important to say that the realm of duality (i.e., the realm of thought) is harmless and beautiful once there in no longer identification with it. In Living Realization, we do not make thought into an enemy. We are not inviting you to not have opinions or knowledge. We are not inviting you to stop thinking. Only another thought would say that anyway. The recognition of awareness in no way excludes thinking. The invitation here is to recognize present awareness as our real identity and see that thoughts have nothing to do with identity. Thoughts are inseparable appearances of awareness. There is no need to manipulate any appearance. In that seeing, thoughts are not manipulated in any way. All thoughts are allowed to be just as they appear. This is the same as saying that all people are allowed to be because people are thoughts. This seeing is perfect, unconditional, natural acceptance. In no longer seeking identification in thoughts that appear, thoughts have a practical and useful function. They are no longer weapons of conflict. They are tools of communication.
Awareness is what we are. Opinions, ideas, and individual stories are appearances in what we are. This recognition reveals that conflict is illusory. It reveals that what we are, which is non-dual awareness, has never been divided. Our real identity is love. This is what Krishnamurti was pointing to in the quote above. By seeing the ways in which thought gives the appearance of duality, we see that our real nature is undivided awareness, which is the same as saying our real nature is love. Love is what is looking right now before we mistake ourselves for thought. Love has never been broken. And so the universe has never actually been fragmented into parts that need to be reconciled through thinking. Thinking is what creates the illusory duality. We cannot think our way into love. We are love. The word love is being used synonymously with “awareness” here.
Remember: Recognize present awareness right now. Don’t move to manipulate any thoughts within the mirror of relationship. See that all thoughts are inseparable appearances of awareness.