_______ _ |__ __| | August 20, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ________________________ \\\\\\// / \ 1. Well, this day was a \\\ \ | USEFUL ONE-LINERS | total waste of makeup. \\ (oo) | FOR MANY SITUATIONS | 2. Well, aren't we \\C \ \___ ___________________/ just a ray of \\ __\ |/ sunshine? jgs ) _\ . 3. Make yourself at / _\ . ' home! Clean my kitchen. /` 4. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom? 5. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we? 6. Do I look like a people person? 7. This isn't an office -- it's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 8. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 9. You! Off my planet!. 10. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 11. Did the aliens forget to remove your probe? 12. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil. 13. A PBS mind in an MTV world. 14. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 15. Better living through denial. 16. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 17. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 20. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 21. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 22. I have a computer & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 23. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) New Words to an old Dylan Song _n_ How many roads must a man drive down =/ \= Before he admits he is lost `\|/` Why when a man becomes married is he ||| unable to find his own socks. ||| ||| How many times will it take 'til he knows ||| he has seen the three stooges enough ||| /\ ||| The answer my friend, I cannot comprehend | `-.|||, _.; The answer, I cannot comprehend ; ||| ` | \ /|||\ .' How many shows can a man surf through `)\|||/(` before the remote burns out .' ||| '. Why does he think that an intimate gift / ||| \ is a Dustbuster Plus for the house / _|||_ ; | `"""""` | How many sounds can a man's body make \ / before he sleeps on the couch jgs '-.._____..-' The answer my friend, is take two aspirin The answer is take two aspirin Why when we go for a romantic drive do we wind up at Builder's Square again How many nights will he leave the seat up so I land on cold porcelain How men really feel is mystery to me and probably a mystery to them The answer girlfriend is driving me to gin The answer is driving me to gin. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Seventeen signs that show you're Italian: 1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you. 2. Your father owns five houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo. 3. You share a bathroom with your five brothers, have no money, but drive a $45,000.00 Camaro. 4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, and travel agent are all blood relatives. .-'''''-. 5. You consider dunking a pack of cookies in milk a |'-----'| nutritious breakfast. |-.....-| | | 6. Your 2 best friends are your | | cousin and your brother- _,._ | | in-law's brother-in-law. __.o` o`"-. | | .-O o `"-.o O )_,._ | | 7. You are a card- ( o O o )--.-"`O o"-.`'-----'` carrying V.I.P. at jgs '--------' ( o O o) more than 3 dance clubs. `----------` 8. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top. 9. At least five of your cousins live on your street. \\\\\\, 10. All 5 of those cousins are named after your /.. \\\ grandfather. < D \_-'_/ 11. A high school diploma and 1 year of community <\ (>,_ college has earned you the title of "professor" / \Y/ /` \ among your aunts. || # | | || # | | 12. You are on a first name basis with at least /| # / / 8 banquet hall owners. / |=[]/ / /__| /__/| 13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 8", //|| |/||\/ it is presumed your mother had an affair. | | | | | | 14. There are more than 28 people in your bridal ( ( | party. | | | [_[___] 15. You netted more than $50,000 on your jgs (_(__,_| first communion. 16. At some point in your life, you were a D.J. 17. Thirty years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _____ Peace At Last .-' | '-. .' | '. / | \ A wise old gentleman retired and purchased ; | ; a modest home near a junior high school. He | | | spent the first few weeks of his retirement ; /|\ ; in peace and contentment. \ /` | `\ / './` | `\.' Then a new school year began. The very next '-.__|__.-' afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. Used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. .---. A few days later, the wily retiree approached |#__| them again as they drummed their way down the =;===;= street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received / - - \ my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going ( _'.'_ ) to be able to give you more than 25 cents. .-`-'^'-`-. Will that be okay?" | `>o<' | / : \ "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. / /\ : /\ \ "If you think we're going to waste our time, .-'-/ / .-. \ \-'-. beating these cans around for a quarter, |_/ /-' '-\ \_| you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" /| | |\ (_| /^\ |_) And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for | | | | the rest of his days. jgs | | | | '==='= ='===' _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to sunday-funnies-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm