_______ _ |__ __| | July 27, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Thursday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .----------------. The FBI / _H______H_ \@, \____/ \____/ @, / \ `@ The phone rings at FBI headquarters. | LI LI LI | ,@ | LI LI LI | ,@' "Hello?" | LI LI LI | ,@' | LI LI LI |@@' "Hello, is this the FBI?" jgs \ /' `----------' "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor, Adrian Johnson! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Johnson's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. The phone rings at Johnson's house. "Hello?" "Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep" wWWWw wWWWw "Great, now it's vVVVv (___) wWWWw (___) vVVVv your turn to call. (___) ~Y~ (___) vVVVv ~Y~ (___) I need my garden ~Y~ \| ~Y~ (___) |/ ~Y~ plowed." \| \ |/ \| / \~Y~/ \| \ |/ \\|// \\|// \\|/// \\|// \\|// \\\|/// jgs^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Golf Widow x .-. _______| |=|/ / \ Tired of being a golf widow, a | |_____|_""_| woman took up the game and |=|=|=|_|_[X]_|____| wound up playing with her ^jgs^^`^^`^^`^^`^^^`^^`^^^`^^^`^^ husband on a country course one day. He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green. He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her. Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn. "No way," he says. "I can't do that." "Why not?" she asks. "The last time I did that something terrible happened." "What?" she asked. "I got a double bogey." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Two new elements for the Period Chart of Elements .-=-. ////"\\ Element: Women .=. ( 6 6 ) Symbol: Wo //"\\ \ - / Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less, (/6 6\) _.) (._ usually more) )\ = /(-` `:` `\ Physical _(_ ) ( _)-| : |\ \ Properties: Generally round in form. (_/ `\_/` \ | : |/ / Boils at nothing and may / (_ @ _) \\_ : _/ / freeze at any time. \ \)___(/ / |===|_) Melts whenever treated \/`"""`\/ | L | properly. Very bitter | | | | | if not used well. | | | | | Chemical |_____| | | | Properties: Very active. Highly ||| | | | unstable. Possesses ||| | | | strong affinity to gold, ||| |_|_| jgs silver, platinum and / Y \ / T \ precious stones. Violent `"`"` `"`"` when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Ages rapidly. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Element: Man Symbol: Xy Atomic Weight: 180/+or-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples. Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo at any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None, really, except methane production. Goods samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Meanings of Music Terms for Country Music _ __ / \Y \ __/______\__ Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood `~~// 6 6\~~` by Country-Western Musicians, With C 7 | Their Translated "Country" \ '='/ Definitions: \__/ /\ |\ .-`\_\_//\ , Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle /-. `|o |\ __ '//` of Jack Daniels | | | | \ |\ `//` Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of | | |o | \ /.-'//, Jack Daniels | | | | Y | // | Relative Major -- An uncle in the | | |o |\ .-'//.' Marine Corps \ \ | | `| // \ Relative Minor -- A girlfriend \ \__|o_| \ ` _/ Big Band -- When the bar pays `\ /I=[]=| ``` enough to bring |`/ ) | two banjo players \ : | | |: | | Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle" |: | | Repeat -- What you do until they |: ) ) just expel you \'.|, | Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but |: || | treble |: || | Bass -- The things you run around |: || | in softball |:_||_| Portamento -- A foreign country you've |===|==| always wanted to see | | | Conductor -- The man who punches your jgs |& \ \ ticket to Birmingham *( , `'-.'-. Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook `"`"""""`""` kid with the big nose that grows?" Tempo -- Good choice for a used car A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses Cut Time -- Parole Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!" Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year Clef -- What you try never to fall off of Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes," or "Dori-toes" Minor Third -- Your approximate grade at the completion of formal schooling Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad 12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm