_______ _ |__ __| | June 7, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Wednesday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | M I D W E E K E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) There once was a rabbi, whose wife was expecting a baby. _ He went to the congregation and asked .' '. for a raise. They passed a rule that __ / \ _ when the rabbi's family expanded, so /.-;| /'._|_.'#`\ would his paycheck. || | | _ | \\__/| \.' ;'-.__/ After five or six children, this started '--' \ / to get expensive. The congregation held jgs '._.' a meeting about this. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and discussion. The rabbi gets up to the bima and speaks "Having children is an act of GOD!" A little man in the back rises and says, "Point of information... snowing and raining are an act of GOD, but we wear rubbers!" If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) (\)))/), / (` \(((, A man is sitting in a |a a ) )))), bar far from home when | /:: ((((, Bill Clinton comes on TV. | / \: ')))) \"_/ ) (((( The man looks at the TV and / ))))'----"""```"-.__ says, "Clinton is a horse's ; :. ((( .:::. \))), ass." Out of nowhere, a local | :' )) '::' ':. |((( jumps up and punches him in the ; / |)))) face, knocking the first guy \ / | ;(((( off his barstool, then stomps `\ /`---""""`Y / ))) out. / /`| \`. .' ((( / /| | `\\ < )) He gets back up, rubbing his | || | \\ \ cheek and orders another beer. | `\ | \\ \ Shortly after, Hillary Clinton \/ || // / appears on the TV. He looks at \/_( //_/ jgs the TV and says, "She is a /__/ //__(~~~ horse's ass too!" Out of nowhere, another local punches him in the other side of the face, knocking him off his barstool again. He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Clinton country?" "Nope." replies the bartender. "Horse country." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ___ .' `"-._ A Witch's Revenge / , `'-.-. / /`'. ,' _ \ `-' `-. ,' ,'\\/ A notorious womanizer left a \, ,' ee`-. trail of broken hearts behind / ./ ,(_ \ , him, until he betrayed the (_/\\\ \__|`--' || wrong woman-- a practicing ///\\| \ || witch. The morning after she ////||-./`-.} .--|| caught him with another girl, / `-.__.-`_.-.| he awoke with an itchy bump | '._,-'`|___} `; in the middle of his / '. |/ || ,;'` forehead. He thought it | '.__,.-` || ':, was a pimple, but it | | || ,;' continued to grow to / / _,.||oOoO.,_ ridiculous proportions | | \-.O,o_O..-/ throughout the day. In / / / \ a panic, he sought the | / / \ advice of a physician, | | | , | who examined the man / | \ ) ( ) / and ran tests on the jgs | \ ,'.(:, ),: (_.'. strange tissue. By now / /'.' ="`""="="=="= '. the bump was three `'"---'-.__.'"""` ` "" "" `"" inches long, and starting to take an "What is this thing growing out of my oddly familiar shape. head, Doctor?" "We've run every test we know to confirm the findings," he said gravely, "but they all tell us the same thing. The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis." "I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?" "I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you." "I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!" "There's more," said the Doctor. "You're going to experience vision problems." "Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man. "No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles hanging in front of your eyes." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Changing Professions ___ .' _ '. / /` `\ \ One professor of mathematics noticed that | | [__] his kitchen sink at his home broke down. | | {{ He called a plumber. The plumber came on | | }} the next day, sealed a few _ | | _ {{ screws and everything was ___________<_>_| |_<_>}}________ working as before. .=======^=(___)=^={{====. / .----------------}}---. \ The professor was delighted. / /| {{ |\ \ However, when the plumber / / | }} | \ \ gave him the bill a ( '=========================' ) minute later, he was jgs '-----------------------------' shocked. "This is one third of my monthly salary!" he yelled. Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him: "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people." So it happened. The professor got a plumber job and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly. One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber has to go to evening classes to complete the eight grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of the circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, he filled the white board with integrals, differentials and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result he got "minus pi times r square". He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He looked a bit scared at the class and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. 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