_______ _ |__ __| | May 5, 2000 | | | |__ ___ Friday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ ISSN: 1527-6163 | | | \_, T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | | | S P E C I A L F R I D A Y E D I T I O N .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once or twice a week mailing of ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risque but always funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Subject of Spelling In a train carriage one day were two small boys and a middle aged woman reading a book. The two small boys were having a deep heated discus- sion on the subject of spelling. "Its spelt ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B '" "No its not. It's spelt 'W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B-B-B'" _.---.) The lady leans over and says "Excuse me, but (^--^)_.-" `; I think you'll find its spelt 'W-O-M-B'". ) ee ( | (_.__._) / First little boy replies " Nah, I bet you've `--', ,' never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind jgs )_|--')_| heard one fart underwater !" ""' ""' If you enjoyed this joke PLEASE recommend it to a friend. _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Invention of Sex Sex was invented by Thomas Alva Edison on July 16, 1876. At the time, Edison had been working to develop "entertainment devices" for the masses-and during the previous months he had invented the whoopee-cushion, ___ the hand-buzzer, Play-Doh, fake-nose eye- .-"` `"-. glasses, the first cordless vibrator (a .' .-. '. massive steam-powered unit that covered six / (/^\) \ and a half square city blocks and required / # (\ /) \ 235 men to operate), and the one device he | /(.I.)\ | considered to be his greatest gift to man- ; \\) (// ; kind at the time: the ball-point pen that ; / Y \ ; turned over to reveal a naked woman. \ \ | / / \ \|/ / .". Upon being introduced to sex, the \ /|\ / / \ country was thrown into a turmoil | \|/ | | || -and in order to maintain order, the |__/Y\__| | || government seized all of Tom's {=======} | || patents and drawings, and locked them }======={ | || away in the federal archives until {=======} | |/ the year 2186. (The only exception to }======={ |__| this were his plans for the steam- jgs{=======} |==| powered vibrator, which were released `""u""` | | in 1964 and used as the basic design | | for the nuclear submarine USS Trident.) | | | | Devastated at the havoc he'd created, Edison redoubled his | | efforts to provide entertainment for the masses and quickly \__/ invented movies, the mimeograph, and the phonograph. |/ ` In fact, his greatest invention of all, the light bulb, was created as a means of deterring sex. Because as Tom himself put it, "Who in God's name would ever want to do it with the lights on?" _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) The Reverend John Fuzz... The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. sSSSSSs "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. SS;; SSSS "This is no place for a member of my congre- S< ?SSS gation. Why don't you let me take you home?" S> SSS ___)(____ "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very ( \/ ) drunk. \||, )( ( / ( \\/ /\ / \ \ When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she \./ )==( / / began to weave back and forth. The reverend / \//' realized that she had had too much to drink and ( '|\` he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When \ / he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled \ / to the floor. After rolling around for a few ) ( seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of / \ Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. / \ jgs / \ The bartender looked over the bar and said, `-........-' "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that / ) / ) carrying on in this bar." /_/|/_/| The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't under- stand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish." _ http://www.funnybone.com/recommend/ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Good Sheep _.,._ .~`, `~. /{_, ` ,_}\ Well, a couple months back there was // (0'-'-'0) \\ this trial in the West Virginia courts. (/_/| |\_\) A man was being tried for fornicating {`-. | | with a sheep, since that's illegal an' { \_ ,-\ " /-, all. Anyway, the key witness was an {_; { `--u--` , } old fella who was walking along the `{ {` , (^) ` `} highway by the farm where the sheep was { {` ~~~ `} raised. The prosecutor asked the { { , ` ` , ` } witness what he saw: { { , } `{ `{ , ` }` "Well, I was walkin' along, and saw this { {~, `. , ~} sheep just'a eatin' grass. And then this jgs |-{ }_{ , } fella walks up from behind the sheep, | |{ , }`|-{ }` real quiet-like." \ \ |~|\ \ |~| \ \| | \ \ | | "And then what?" asked the prosecutor. \ | | \ \| | w| | ww| | "Then he unbuckled his belt, and pulled www www the sheep close." "And what happened after that?" "Well," said the witness, "they sorta shook for a couple of minutes. THEN, afterwards, the sheep turned around... an' licked him!" Just then one of the members of the jury leaned over to the jury member next to him and said, "You know... a good sheep'll do that." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright (c) 2000 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--' ASCII Art Copyright (c) 1996-00 - Joan G. Stark please read guidelines for redistribution of ASCII art http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/please.htm