To properly view the ASCII art contained in this mailing be sure that your mail reader's screen font is set to a non-proportional "typewriter-like" font such as Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. For additional help write to: art@funnybone.com _______ _ |__ __| | February 14, 1999 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| |___/ | | | \_, | | T H E S U N D A Y F U N N I E S | | .' \ ( , ) You're subscribed to The Funny Bone's Sunday Funnies. '--' '-' A once a week mailing (on Sunday morning) of 4-6 ASCII art illustrated jokes. Sometimes a bit risqué but al- ways funny. See the end of this message for instructions on how to unsubscribe. For more humor visit http://www.funnybone.com/subscribe/. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Ever wondered why the Jewish Are The Chosen People? /^\ Well, When Moses was on earth back then / \ he was given the Ten Commandments but he _______/_/_\ \_______ was not told actually what he should do \ ____ ____\ \___ / with them. \ \ / / \ \ / / \ / / \ / / He took them to England and confronted a / / / / Pom and asked, "Would You Like A / / \ / / \ Commandment?" / /_\ \_____/_/_\ \ /_____\ \___________\ The Pom replied, "What's A Commandment?" \ \ / / jgs \ ` / Moses took a tablet and read, "Thou Shalt \_/ Not Steal!" The Pom replied, "Piss Off, we don't want any of that here!" Moses went to America and confronted a Yank with the same question, "Would You Like A Commandment?" The Yank replied, "What's A Commandment?" Moses took a tablet and read, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery!" The Yank replied, "Bug off, we don't want any of that here!" And so Moses went on his way around the world always getting the same response until he arrived in Jerusalem. Moses confronted a Jew with the same question, "Would You Like A Commandment?" .========. .========. The Jew replied, "How Much Are They?" // I .'..' \ // VI.'.,".\ || II .'..'| || VII..'..| Moses replied, "Well....They're Free!" || III .'."| || VIII,'.'| || IV ,','.| || IX.'".'.| The Jew replied, "THEN I'LL TAKE TEN!" || V '..'.'| || X .'..',| .\_________/ jgs .\_________/ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Stop the Genocide! ___ ,-' '-. / _ _ \ Every second billions of innocent | (o)_(o) | assembler instructions are executed \ .-""-. / all over the world. Inhumanly they //`._.-'`\\ are put on a pipeline and executed // : ; \ with no regard to their feelings. //. - '' -.| | The illegal instructions are spared, /( : | | although they should be executed | \__: ,/ /, instead of the legal ones. jgs _;'`,_/' |`.-' `\ ) `\.___./; .' Prior to the execution the instructions '.__ )----'\__.-' are transported to a cache unit using a `""` bus. There they spent their last moments waiting for the execution. Just before the execution the instruction is separated into several pieces. The execution isn't always fast and painless. On crude hard- ware the execution of a complex instruction can take as long as 150 clock cycles. Scientists are working on shorter execution times. Modern machines use several units to execute multiple instructions simultaneously. This way it is possible to execute several hundred million instructions per second. The time is near when there will be no more instructions to execute. ACT NOW! Before it's too late! _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) ,. An old guy approaches the window of the (\(\) movie theater with a chicken on his ,_ ; o > shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The {`-. / (_) girl at the counter wants to know who is `={\`-._____/` | going in with him. He replies, "Well, my `-{ / -=`\ | pet chicken, of course!" The girl tells `={ -= = _/ / him that he CAN'T take a chicken into the `\ .-' /` theater, so he goes around the corner, and {`-,__.'===,_ stuffs the chicken into his pants. //` `\\ jgs // He returns to the window, buys his ticket `\= and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can watch the movie. Sitting next to him is Agnes. She elbows Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just un- zipped his pants!" Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it.. you've seen one, you've seen them all." Agnes says, "I KNOW......but this one's eating my POPCORN!!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A woman woke up and told her husband of her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10." Husband: " What about one my size?" Wife: "Didn't get a bid!" Hurt and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10." Wife: "What about ones like mine?" Husband: "That's where they held the auction." .-=-. /\____) | / . .\ \( _>| _) __/--""-.__ .-""-. .' ,__._ `''''-._ / /\___) / %% .\ ``''`;--.\ ( ( ' '| ) / / ' _%- | .' \ ) \_=/_ (/_ / \ _\- \ .' _ \ ( / ` '.__)___\ _\ \_.' /' \ \ .-, `) ; ')._..-"\). . %/)_.;___.;-.;_--. __.' / ( | , ') . \ \ `"` ````` _._) jgs \_| |_'.____ __.\ \_..---'`._____...-`'----'` '........_) | \ _.-'``'-' | ;`"-; \__.'` _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) It's a miracle! |V| .::| |::. ::__| |__:: An altar boy is in church cleaning the pews >____ ____< when he sees a cripple struggle through the :: | | :: doors of the church and make his way to the '::| |::' font of holy water. The boy watches as the | | cripple manages to get up the step, sprinkles | | holy water on his legs and then throws his jgs |A| crutches away. The altar boy runs to get the priest and explains what he saw. It's a miracle," exclaims the priest, "Where is he now?" "Flat on his ass by the holy water," says the boy. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring. After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir...do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?" __ _..._ _ \ `) `(/ /` \ | d b | .-"````"=-..--\= Y /= /` `-.__=.' _ / /\ /o ( \ / / | | \ '-' / > /`""--. / '---' / || | \\ jgs \___,,)) \_,,)) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K. It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place. _ _ \ \ .-"""""-. / \_> /\ |/ / \.'` `',.--// -( Y2K I I @@\ \ /'.____.'\___| '-.....-' __/ | \ (`) jgs / / / \ \ _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley - jokemaster@funnybone.com ( `. .' ) `. ` /' To unsubscribe from this mailing list send an e-mail | | message to funnybone-off@mail-list.com and your | | address will automatically be removed. _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com/subcribe/ | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.ascii-art.com/ | | / '. Copyright © 1999 The Funny Bone - All Rights Reserved. ( , ) '-' '--'