_______ _ |__ __| | April 19, 1998 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | America To Dip Into Strategic Humor Reserves .' \ ( , ) Following the recent announcement that all available humor '--' '-' has been used, and is now being recycled, a very unexpect- ed reaction has occurred in Congress. Responding to a flood of calls and letters, members of both houses of Congress have come together to attempt to resolve the problem. In a rare show of bipartisan cooperation, a majority of Senators and Representatives signed a letter to the President asking him to release some of the US strategic reserves of humor. ============;===========;() It is a little known fact, but the United # # # #:::::: States keeps a large reserve of humor, in a manner # # # #:::::: similar to that in which oil reserves are stored. # # # #:::::: Located in abandoned salt caves buried deep in # # # #:::::: Louisiana, the humor is stored for times of nation- # # # # # # # al emergency and general unhappiness. # # # # # # # # # # # # # # Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, in a statement # # # # # # # made during a press conference to announce the # # # # # # # letter stated: # # # # # # # "The American people have spoken. The vas majority of the comments we have all received have been from people who are tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again. Granted, there are some that are true classics, and one never grows tired of hearing them, but too many are marginal the first time one hears them, and they do not get any better with time. I would urge Mr Clinton to act swiftly, and to release some of the humor that has been stored away for years. It is in the best interest of the country to do so." Providing counter point, alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve, responded. "Few know this, but one of my duties as Fed chairman is to be the honorary Commissioner of Comedy. It is my belief that there is sufficient humor in the economy, and that an infusion of additional humor could lead to comedy inflation. Currently, we now enjoy the lowest rate of comedy inflation in 30 years, and the Humor Retention Index HRI) is at the lowest that it has ever been. Just look at Al Gore. His hRI is so low that after he hears a joke, he forgets it before it reaches his brain. Releasing humor reserves at this time is ill-advised." When asked for comment, Al Gore responded "What's a joke? What's a brain?" All of the arguments were made moot when it was reported by the FBI that the humor reserves had all disappeared. During an unrelated investiga- tion, the FBI had received information that there might be an attempt made to obtain American humor by the Chinese, and when a check was made of the vaults, they were empty. Addressing a Senate Investigating Committee, Attorney General Janet Reno stated: "Our investigation initially centered on the Chinese government, but we quickly exonerated them. Our investigation found that the humor in the strategic reserves had been secretly removed by President Clinton, and sold to the Indonesians. For a donation of $25,000 and a pair of jogging shoes, Indonesian nationals were given a night in the Lincoln bedroom and all of the humor that they could remember. Evidently, this went on for some time. We finally got a break when one of our agents made the connection with large numbers of laughing Indonesians found in the vicinity of the White house, not wearing shoes, and carrying armloads of towels mono- grammed with 'LB'. " _ A white House spokesman (_) read a statement from Mr |_________________________________________ Clinton. "I don't see |* * * * * |##########################| anything illegal or impro- | * * * * *| | per about telling a few |* * * * * |##########################| jokes to the gardener or | * * * * *| | cook. If he wants to |* * * * * |##########################| give me the shoes off his | * * * * *| | feet, who am I to turn |* * * * * |##########################| down a friendly gesture |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | like that. And if that |#########################################| same cook or gardener | | wants to donate $25,000 |#########################################| to my campaign, he has | | every right to do so. |###################################JGS###| As for the Lincoln |~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ bedroom, these people | have to sleep somewhere, | and the Lincoln bedroom is not for sale. However, renting it for | the night is not out of the question." | _ _ | (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) | (_.===============================================._) | _ | Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes |_] | to the lobby to put his name on the group .-|=====-. | mailbox. While he was there, an attractive | | mail | | young lady comes out of the apartment next to ___|________| | the mailboxes wearing a robe. || | || | Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a || jgs | conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips || | open, and it's quite obvious that he has nothing under || | the robe. || | || | Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain || | eye contact. After a fow minutes, she places her hand || | on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear || | someone coming..." | | .,,. He proceeds with her into the apartment, and | ,(/)))), after she closes the door, she leans against | (((/ \)))) it allowing her robe to fall off completely. | ((( ' ' ))) Being completely nude, she purrs at him, | ))\ - /(( "What would you say is my best feature?" | (((('-')))) | /`)) ((`\ The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, | / ( . . ) \ clears his throat several times, and finally | / /`\-' '-/`\ \ squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" | \ \ ) . ( / / | `\\/ \//` She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these | (/ \#/ \) breasts! They are full, don't sag, and | | | | they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm | \ | / and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look | \_ | _/ at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in | / / \ \ heaven's name would you say my ears are the | | | | | best part of my body?!" | jgs |/ \| | / \ / \ Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers | `-' '-` "Outside when you said you heard someone coming That was me!" _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) : '. _ .' -= (~) =- .' # '. Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: About 16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not. Q: How many tele-evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Honestly, we're not sure. But for the message of change to continue to go out, please keep those letters and checks coming. Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a . ' . lightbulb? ' \~~~/ A: Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless \~~~/ \_/ the elements. One to pour the sherry. And one \_/ Y to offer a toast to the old lightbulb. Y _|_ _|_ Q: How many United Church of Christ members does it jgs take to change a lightbulb? A: Eleven. One to change the lightbulb. And ten more to organize a covered dish supper that will follow the changing of the bulb service. Q: How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report back to their next meeting. _____ .' `. Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a / \ lightbulb? | | A: Five. One to change the bulb and four to bind the '. +^^^+ .' spirit of darkness in the room. `. \./ .' |_|_| Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a (___) lightbulb? jgs (___) A: Are you kidding? They don't change burned out `---' lightbulbs. After all, it was predestined to burn out. How can you fight predestination? Q: How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? A: What's a lightbulb? Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 300--12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee. 5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel Committee which appoints the House Committee. 8 to sit on the House Committee which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee. 4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb--those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installa- tion. After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation and another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all. _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) /:""| .@@@@@, (\/) |:`66|_ @@@@@@@@, \/ C` _)aa`@@@@@@ These two construction workers (one black \ ._| (_ ?@@@@ called Jack and one white called Sam) were ) / =' @@@@" taking their lunch break together and the /`\\ \(``` conversation came around to their love || |Y| //`\ lives. The white man is bragging about || |.| / | || (\/) how his wife is so attracted to him and how || |.| \ | || \/ she's always wanting to have sex. The || |.| \| || black man is intrigued and begs the other :| |=: |_|\ to share his secret. ||_|,| |_| \ \)))|| ((( | Sam says, "Well, I romance her; lite (\/) | || |____| candlelight dinner, soft music, and as we \/ | || |____| snuggle I romantically recite, 'Blondie, > )) | || Blondie, eyes of blue, Turn to me doll so | || | || I can make love to you'." Jack says, "You | || | || don't say, and that's all it takes?" Sam |_||__ /~)) concurs but tells him to tailor his poem jgs (____)) /_/YY to suit his own lovely wife. The next morning they meet at the timeclock and Sam notices that Jack is swollen and bruised. "What in the world happened to you Jack?" Sam inquired. "This is your fault," Jack accuses. "I tried your romantic approach on my wife and she did this to me." "You must have done something wrong," Sam says. "Nope," Jack states, "I did just like you. I fixed her a lite candlelight dinner, put on .==. soft music, snuggled for a while and gave her {` `} my poem." { / ' '\ } {_\ T /_} "Well, what exactly did you say", Sam asked. / `'u` \ ( \ | \ "I said 'Nappy head, Nappy head, /\/\_/ \_/ eyes like a frog, { / \ /'\ turn over here and `\ /-\ / I'll do you like a dog'." jgs /____} /___} _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships. Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way" counseled the therapist, "is by the size of his feet." So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemploy- ment line with the biggest feet she had every laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. oOOO() ()OOOo When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had / _) (_ \ already gone out. By the bedside table was a $20 bill | ( ) | and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this \__) (__/ money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .=@=. / \ There were these two gay guys who decide they | 6.6 | want to have a baby. So they find an obliging ( _ ) lesbian, have her impregnated by sperm donation, .-'---'-. and are simply thrilled when she gives birth to / . . \ a seven pound baby boy. They rush to the hos- _/ /| , |\ \_ pital for the first viewing of their son, stand- (__/{`"==="`}\__) ing with their noses pressed against the glass /\_ _/\ of the nursery window and surveying row upon row _| /`"`\ |_ of squalling infants. Except for one quiet, jgs ( \ / \ / ) clean little baby, cooing softly to itself amid \_/ \_/ all the chaos. Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud parents to ogle. "Gee" said one of them to the nurse, "he sure is well behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?" "Oh, he's quiet now" said the nurse, "but he squalls like all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'