_______ _ |__ __| | September 28, 1997 | | | |__ ___ Sunday | | | '_ \ / _ \ .-. _ ______ | | | | | | __/ ____ ( `. .' ) | ____| |_| |_| |_|\___| | _ \ `\ ` .' | |__ _ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ | |_) | ___ _ __ ___ | | | __| | | | '_ \| '_ \| | | | | _ < / _ \| '_ \ / _ \ | | | | | |_| | | | | | | | |_| | | |_) | (_) | | | | __/ | 66|_ |_| \__,_|_| |_|_| |_|\__, | |____/ \___/|_| |_|\___| | ,__) __/ | |(,_| To properly view the |___/ ASCII art contained here, | | use a non-proportional "typewriter" font such as | \_, Courier, FixedSys, or Monaco. | | | | .-..-. .' \ (-o/\o-) ( , ) /`""``""`\ '--' '-' \ /.__.\ / A BILL to Regulate \ `--` / the 370.01.01 Any person with `)..(' Hunting and Harvesting a valid California State , /::::\ , of Rodent or Snake hunting |'.\::::/.'| Attorneys license may also hunt and _| ';::;' |_ harvest attorneys for (::) || (::) PC 370.00 _. recreational and sport "| || |" _(:) (non-commercial) purposes. '. || .' /::\ '._||_.' \::/ 370.01.02 Taking of /::::\ /:::\ attorneys with traps or \::::/ _\:::/ deadfalls is permitted. The /::::\_.._ _.._ _.._ _.._/::::\ use of United States currency \::::/::::\/::::\/::::\/::::\::::/ as bait, however, is prohibited. `""`\::::/\::::/\::::/\::::/`""` `""` `""` `""` `""` jgs 370.01.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney IS accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash. 370.01.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft. 370.01.05 It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE," OR "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 370.01.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons. 370.01.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals, or brothels. 370.01.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same. 370.01.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 370.02. Bag Limits per day: yellow-bellied sidewinders 2 two-faced tortfeasors 1 back-stabbing divorce litigators 3 horn-rimmed cut-throats 2 minutiae-advocating vultures 4 honest attorneys protected (endangered species) _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) Products We Probably don't need Electric Shocking Pager Your employees will never forget a meeting with these helpful reminders strapped to their bodies. This unbreakable device will deliver a pain- ful electric shock to notify them of all pending appointments and approaching deadlines. Not legal for use on livestock. _.--..--._ Shrieking Sonic Mind Mangler .' ( )( , .`'. .' ,( ' )( ) )'. Put on this sleek "virtual reality" ( ) . )( ) ( , ) helmet and you're guaranteed to clear ( ') .( )( ) ( . ) your mind in under a minute! Blinding |`-..__ ^^ ' __..-'| strobe lights and screeching stereo- | `~~~~~` | phonic sirens will overwhelm your | .=~~= =~~=. | senses in a cacophony of stimuli. | .-''-.-''-. | Requires 10 D batteries, not included. | /_____|_____\ | .--' (o ) (o ) '--. Stress Enhancement Tapes / _ / \ _ \ | (_ / \ _) | Don't lull yourself to complacent \ | | / slumber with sounds of ocean waves and '--. \'--\ /--'/ .--' forest breezes; pop in these jarring \ \ '-----' / / cassettes and keep your edge! Feel \ '. .--.--. .' / your skin crawl as the sound of braking \ `'-----'` / trolley cars, multi vehicle highway '-. .-' accidents, and low-flying jets assaults jgs )'---'( your ears on the Urban Rhythms tape. Thrill to the sounds of screeching howler monkeys defending their territory on Shrieks of Nature! Forty- seven tapes in all. Hurry! Supplies are limited. The Enchanted Chalkboard Spend a thrilling evening with Itchi, _______________________ Peruvian master of the Musical Chalkboard, |\_____________________/| as his talented fingernails scratch out || || your favorite tunes on this four album || _ _ || collection. Every hair on your body will || / ) / ) __ |_| || stand on end during his half-hour scraped || / -|- / -- | || rendition of Moon River. Be moved to || `== `== ' || tears by his masterful two-handed inter- || _____ || pretation of Chariots of Fire. Perfect ||______________#####__|| for the office! jgs |/_____________________\| FlossTracker How many times has this happened to you: you just gorged yourself on roast beef and corn on the cob, yet you discover you're now out of dental floss! Well, you'll never be without floss again with FlossTracker, the advanced software solution from FlossWare. Record your hourly flossing activity in the Spreadsheet Module to generate an exhaustive statistical profile of your floss consumption, complete with three-dimensional distribution plots and histograms. FlossTracker will even monitor your current floss inventory, projecting your floss needs for the coming weeks and automatically ordering additional floss as necessary from the nearest FlossWare Regional Distribution Center. FlossTracker requires a Pentium PC with 32MB of RAM, 1.2GB of storage space, an atomic clock, a Romulan cloaking device, and Windows 95. __ .' '. : : | _ _ | .-.|(o)(o)|.-. _._ _._ ( ( | .--. | ) ) .',_ '. .' _,'. '-/ ( ) \-' / /' `\ \ __ / /' `\ \ / '--' \ / / \.' './ \ \ \ `"===="` / `-` : _ _ : `-` `\ /' |(o)(o)| `\ /' | | /`-.-`\_ / \ _..:;\._/V\_./:;.._ / .--. \ .'/;:;:;\ /^\ /:;:;:\'. | ( ) | / /;:;:;:;\| |/:;:;:;:\ \ _\ '--' /__ jgs / /;:;:;:;:;\_/:;:;:;:;:\ \ .' '-.__.-' `- _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." "Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment." Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?" A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives." "Very good!", said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do. One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedi- ___ cate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my (___) church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction." /` `\ / /"\ \ "That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all \_/o o\_/ the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing ( _ ) to do. `\ /` /\\V//\ But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and / /_ _\ \ said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the 4 \ \___/ / weeks." \/===\/ || || Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader || || ask, "Why you mother-in-law's home?" ||___|| |_____| Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, jgs ||| "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!" / Y \ _ _ `"`"` (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) .---. Old Soldiers Never Die... ___ /_____\ /\.-`( '.' ) The wife of an older man is distraught because / / \_-_/_ her husband's... um... "little soldier" can't \ `-.-"`'V'//-. salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor `.__, |// , \ and explains the situation and the doctor just |Ll //Ll|\ \ feels plain bad for her. |__// | \_\ /---|[]==| / / The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the \__/ | \/\/ woman and says, "listen, I don't do this for /_ | Ll_\| everyone, but since your husband's on his way |`^"""^`| out... Get this prescription, and put three | | | drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The | | | wife is very happy and thanks the doc profusely. | | | | | | Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and L___l___J asks how it went. The lady blushes, smiles and jgs |_ | _| says, "well I put thirty drops in his milk by (___|___) accident, and well, we just need an antidote now ^^^ ^^^ to close the coffin." _ _ (_'-----------------------------------------------'_) (_.===============================================._) A Freudian Slip O O O/ O_ __ /|\ /|\ /\__ /\/\ O/__/_ O_ / |\ |\ | \ \ \ / /\/___ O | \ | | / / /\_//\ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Two fellows were talking in a bar when the first fellow says "Hey, what you just said was a Freudian slip!" The second fellow said "What? I don't know what you mean." The first fellow said "You know, when you say what you are thinking instead of what you wanted to." The second fellow says "I still don't know what you mean.." So the first fellow says "You know, like when you are standing at an airline ticket counter being helped by a beautiful buxom blonde and you say 'I'd like two pickets to Titsburg." The second fellow says "Oh! Now I understand! That happens to me all the time. As a matter of fact, it happened to me yesterday when my wife and I were at the breakfast table and I meant to say 'Please pass the milk' but what actually came out was 'You lousy bitch, you've ruined my life!'" _ _ ,=="""""""==, (_'----------------------------------------'_) '=._ _.=' (_.========================================._) ('.| |._) This girl walks into a hardware store as she ('.| needs a new hinge for a door at home. As she |._) brings it to the counter, the clerk asks, ('.| "Wanna screw for that hinge?" |._) ('.| To which she replies, "No, but I'll suck you |._) off for that toaster on the top shelf." ('.| _ _ |._) (_'----------------------------------------'_) ('.| (_.========================================._) |._) jgs \_/ _ .-. John Nunley ( `. .' ) `. ` /' write to to subscribe | | write to to unsubscribe | | write to for general information _|66 | (__, | For more humor, visit the Funny Bone Website L_,)| http://www.funnybone.com | | ,_/ | ASCII Art by Joan Stark | | http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/7373/ | | / '. The Funny Bone is powered by a GoSite Internet Server ( , ) http://www.funnybone.com/gs jgs '-' '--'