       __________ 
     /            \
   /                \
  |     Mystery      |
  |     Science      |
  |     Theater      |
  |      3000        |
   \                /
     \____________/


1...2...3...4...5...6...G...

[SOL]

[Crow, Gypsy, and Tom Servo are each seated in front of a computer. Mike
 appears in front of them.]

MIKE: [to Cambot] Oh, hi everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm
      Mike Nelson. My robots Crow, Tom Servo, and Gypsy recently got ahold of
      an I-F programming language called Inform, and they're just about to
      unveil their very first text adventures. Let's take a look.

CROW: [Excited] Oh! Oh! Me first! Me first! Oh, oh, oh! Me, me, me!

MIKE: Would you like to go first, Crow?

CROW: [A bit reluctantly] Ummm...well, I guess so.

MIKE: Okay, let's see what you've got. [Reads.] "The roar of rotating blades
      thunders in your ears as the chopper descends into the thick undergrowth
      of the jungle below. Fearlessly, you strap on a belt laced with grenades
      and sling your M-16 over your shoulder, the urge to kill quickening your
      pulse until you feel positively invincible. The chopper swings into a
      landing, and you leap out, determined to rescue the POWs and prove
      yourself a hero to the proud nation in which you were born and raised."
      Wow, this is really exciting, Crow. Great introduction.

CROW: Umm, it's not done yet, Mike.

MIKE: Oh, there's more? [Taps the <Enter> key, then continues reading.]
      "A squadron of armed enemy troops, dressed in camouflauge, leap out of
      the surrounding undergrowth.  You fire round upon round at them, lacing
      each body with a string of bullets that shatters bones and sprays the
      nearby foliage a bright crimson. When the last one drops dead at your
      feet, you race through the jungle to a village of grass huts, plastering
      any who dare stand in your way. The earth is stained red with the blood
      of the enemy!"

CROW: [Interrupting] This is my favorite part, right here!

MIKE: [Continues reading.] "Emerging into the village, you dodge gunfire while
      lobbing grenades at enemy soldiers! Explosions rock the land! Bullets
      and bodies fly everywhere! The carnage continues for hours. Then,
      suddenly, a profound silence. You race into the center of the POW camp
      and smash open the front gates. You lead the prisoners back to the
      clearing, where the chopper is waiting. You fly back to the states and
      are awarded the Medal of Honor for your heroism! Congratulations!"

CROW: [Pleased] Well? Whadya think?

MIKE: Umm, Crow? Don't you think this game could use a few puzzles?

CROW: [A little embarassed] Oh yeah, heh heh. I guess I sort of got carried
      away there. I was watching "Rambo" earlier, and one thing led to
      another...

[The commercial sign light flashes.]

MIKE: We'll be right back.

[It's once again time for the wacky exploits of Mentos, the Freshmaker!]

[After the commercials, show Mike and the bots, as before.]

MIKE: Well, I thought it was a good first try, Crow.

CROW: Really? You really liked it, Mike?

MIKE: Of course I did. Now let's see what Gypsy's been up to. [Reads Gypsy's
      screen.] "Richard Basehart Adventure, by Gypsy."

GYPSY: Yaaaaay! Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart!

MIKE: [Calms Gypsy down, then continues reading.] "You are standing in Richard
      Basehart's house. Richard Basehart is here." Okay, let's see... [Types.]
      "EXAMINE RICHARD BASEHART." [Reads.] "You see nothing special." Well,
      let's try... [Types.] "TALK TO RICHARD BASEHART." [Reads.] "Nothing
      happens." Hmmm. Would you mind giving me a clue here, Gypsy?

GYPSY: "KISS RICHARD BASEHART?"

MIKE: [Types.] Okay, "KISS RICHARD BASEHART." [Reads.] It says, "You win."

GYPSY: Yaaaaaay! Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! Yaaaaaaay!

CROW: That's IT?! Geez, not very good.

[Gypsy starts crying. Mike tries to comfort her.]

TOM: Oh, you're really one to talk, Crow. At least she included some actual
     interactivity in hers!

CROW: Ahh, bite me, Servo!

[The two bots start fighting, but Mike breaks it up.]

MIKE: Cut it out, guys. We still haven't seen Tom's game yet.

[Crow peers at Tom's computer, then laughs.]

CROW: Check this out, Mike! His screen's completely blank! He hasn't typed a
      thing! [Snickers to himself.]

TOM: I can't help it! My arms don't work!!

CROW: Loser.

TOM: [On the verge of tears.] Shut up, just SHUT UP!!

[They start fighting again. Gypsy continues crying for Richard Basehart.
 The mads' light begins flashing.]

MIKE: Uh-oh, cool it, guys. Looks like Duncanthrax and Dimwit Flathead are
      calling.

[Deep 13]

[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are standing in the foreground.]

DR.F: Ah, greetings, "Aunt Jemima." I see you and your little friends have
      discovered the joys of Interactive Fiction. Guess I have no choice but
      to reveal to you the darker side of it with this week's experiment! 
      But first, the Invention Exchange. Frank?

[Frank pushes a cart with a computer, electronic helmet, and another strange
 device into the foreground.]

FRANK: Thanks, Steve. Well, Mike, as you know, one of the biggest frustrations
       with text adventures is the terminology. Let's face it, sometimes you
       just can't guess what words the author wants you to use when you type
       your commands.

DR.F: That's why we've come up with this little device I like to call the 
      "Fictionary." Basically, it's a translator that feeds the recognized
      vocabulary of an adventure game directly into your brain. That way,
      you always know which words will work and which ones won't.

FRANK: See, how it works is, one end of the Fictionary [Indicates the strange
       device.] has a coax cable running into this cyber-helmet you wear over
       your head. [Puts the helmet on.] The other end is wired to the hard
       drive and motherboard of this computer, and it interprets the game file
       and sends the processed vocabulary directly into your mind.

DR.F: [To Mike] It's really quite technical, booby, so don't strain your
      little mind trying to comprehend it.

FRANK: Here, check it out.

[Frank switches the machine on, then just stands there.]

DR.F: Frank?

FRANK: Sorry, but I don't know the word 'Frank.'

DR.F: [A little alarmed] Frank, what's happening?

FRANK: Sorry, but I don't know the word 'happening.'

DR.F: What the...? [Opens the computer case and looks inside.] Frank, you
      numbskull, you wired it all wrong! [Explanatory, to Mike and bots.]
      It's sending the parser itself into his brain. Right now, Frank thinks
      he's a ZIP interpreter.

FRANK: I don't understand. Please try rephrasing that.

DR.F: [A little embarrassed] As you can see, we still haven't gotten all the
      bugs worked out...

FRANK: I can't go that way.

[Dr. Forrester sighs, and switches the machine off. Frank shakes his head and
 looks around, disoriented.]

[SOL]

TOM: Wow. Now THAT'S weird.

[Mike has brought one of the bots' computers into the foreground, and there
 is a device with two robotic arms connected to the terminal.]

MIKE: Well, Dr. F, here's our invention. Basically, we've come up with a fun
      new method of measuring force between two objects in contact with each
      other.

CROW: See, you take two objects, such as this box of Wild Rebels cereal and
      Joey the Lemur, load one into each of these arms here... [Mike does so]
      ...and run a simple computer program.

[Mike types on the terminal. The two arms begin moving back and forth, rubbing
 the two objects against each other. A piece of paper slides out of a printer
 attached to the computer.]

MIKE: As you can see, it analyzes the forces at work and presents you with a
      whole sheet of raw data based on its observations. We call it
      "Interactive Friction!"

CROW: And the computer program is a "SLIP Interpreter!"

TOM: What do you think, Sirs?

[Deep 13]

FRANK: "Interactive Friction?" I don't get it.

DR.F: [Dismissively] Oh, never mind, Frank. They're just toying with you.
      [Turns back to face Mike and the bots.] Well, "Michael Berlyn," your
      experiment today is a little piece of Interactive Tripe with an
      astoundingly infantile storyline and no puzzles to speak of.

[SOL]

TOM: [Sarcastially, to Crow] Now why does _that_ sound familiar?

CROW: Don't make me hurt you, Servo.

[Deep 13]

DR.F: [Continuing] It's a hard-boiled little program called "Detective," and
      it will make you wish you'd never _heard_ of text adventures. And so,
      as the Implementors say, "Feel Free" -- to DIE! [Laughs evilly.] Frank,
      send them the game.

[While Dr. Forrester has been talking, Frank has slipped the Fictionary helmet
 onto his head again.]

FRANK: Sorry, but I don't know the word 'game.'

DR.F: [Sighs.] Frank, do you really want me to kill you a third time today?

FRANK: Sorry, but I don't know the word 'today'.

DR.F: Do you know the word 'PAIN,' Frank? Endless, intense, excruciating
      PAIN? Now take that thing off and push the button!

FRANK: [Looks around.] Sorry, but I can't see any 'button' here.

DR.F: [Exasperated] Oh, for the love of God...

[He pushes the button himself.]

[SOL]

MIKE:  Oh, we've got MOVIE SIGN!!!

[General chaos ensues.]

