Disclaimer: The following article is meant to be satirical The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in the following article are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. ___ \ \ \ __ ___ \...\ . __ \ . . \_\- \ ___ // \...\_ _____ __\_\_ . \/ / |/\ \....- / _ -| _/.|_. | // /\___ /\ . |..| \....\ |__| -|\| |...|- // /..../ \/ \_\ __/...| / \....\ |__|_ |_/.\ |...|_| /..../ |......| /..../ |.....|___ |.....| DJs in 2020 a report from the frontlines of |.....| \__|.....|\ _ |_____|______|_____| __ _ ___ ___ ___ _ __ ___ (_)_ __ ___ _____ / _` | / __|/ __/ _ \ '_ \ / _ \ | | '_ \ | (_| | \__ \ (_| __/ | | | __/ | | | | | __ \__,_| |___/\___\___|_| |_|\___| |_|_| |_| _____ _ _ ____ ___| |__ ___ ___| | __ / __| '_ \ / _ \ / __| |/ / _____ \__ \ | | | (_) | (__| < |___/_| |_|\___/ \___|_|\_\ ____ _____ ___ __ __ __ ___ ___ ___ __ ___ ___ ___ _ ___ ___ _ By your special reporter Jazzmyne Breitkopf DJ’s are the first line of non essential workers in the corona crisis that feel the impact HARD. Like a modern jester that is thrown in the moat eaten alive by the castle’s guard crocodiles. Like a flattened squeezed out pop tart discarded on a rural side road. Like a faulty USB stick full of deconstructed club music edits left in a CDJ after a mediocre wedding party. The situation is GRIMM… Do people still have time for their self entitled mumbojumbo on social media, what about their depleting frequent flyer status, airline lounge access, their drug fueled highs of euphoric spiritual enlightenment on a Saturday night before a crowd of binge drinking sophomores…… All turned into a desolate empty wasteland of nothingness As the tumbleweed gently floats by Shadow Wolf checks out how some of them are coping in the CRISIS: First Billy Bouffon aka DJ Plurrezebel. His agenda was booked well into 2021. Festivals were queuing up to book the highly socially political active DJ, but just like that they all evaporated into the bottomless pit of the Covid-19 virus. Not traveling and having to stay inside for weeks if not months, he had to stop his crusade against industrial cranberry farming. Not even because it might not be the time and place for such a thing now, with a food crisis looming every cranberry counts. He simply doesn't have the motivation. He could only find solace in binge watching reruns of Friends and Transformers 2, his favorite movie. The humdrum was about to set in deeply until he got an email from a fast food company looking to do something edgy in these dark times. His approach on the lockdown turned a sour occasion into an unexpected cheerful optimistic new opportunity: @@@@@@@@@ / \ \ |__||__|--\ / __/__ \ \ / _______ / | \ \ __ \ \ \ ////--' / //// \ \ \ ////_/--------, \_|||| \ \ _____\____ \ / \ / / / _____ __\__ \____ _____ \ ____\ // \ __/ / / / \ | | /_____\ /____\ \\ \ \ \ / / ======== | | ----- ------\-----/ \ \ ____/ \______/ |___| \_____/ \____/ \___/ ---------__________===----------------- “My weekly 10000 $ gigs suddenly stopped so I don’t have any income - patsboooom just like that! How can I pay for my living expenses now? Fortunately I got a deal with this fastfood giant where I get free burgers, chicken nuggets and larded bacon fries three times every day delivered to my house in exchange for making a podcast. All I got to do is eat the food on air while I casually DJ my collection of bloghouse disco edits mixed with 1990s Australian trance records. I put an Electro Harmonix Big Muff pedal on my smacking and gobbling sounds to make it more intense. Its a combo of ASMR & Mukbang...its a whole new undiscovered area of electronic music...a unique and exciting melting pot of cultures. Maybe it's something I can do in the clubs live when the Corona crisis is over, a giant Mukbang party together with the crowd. I see some great sponsorship oppurtunities here...move over Red Bull and make way for Transfat Burger corporations, official purveyor for the Mukbangs generation's food supply!” /\ /__\ Its a different story for Lionel Cassarole - better known as DJ BoboBinky and his collection of Luis Vuton handbags worth over 100,000$. He used to get paid hundreds of pounds to attend events and advertise on his social media accounts. DJing is not really a thing he actually did, unbeknownst to the crowd he would just stream some Spotify playlists from his phone, but that is besides the point. "Everything has been cancelled," he explains. "Normally, I post pictures with my bags but nobody wants to see that at the moment…its so awful how I am going to survive this!?!” In order to make ends meet he set up a crowdfunding campaign called #helpbobobinkeythroughcoronacrisis When asked what the donators get in return Lionel replies “I had this idea of going through my wardrobe I make some pics and put them on instagram...I am sure that will give some hope and inspire people in this difficult situation” But even with such an uncertain future Lionel refuses to sell any of his bags "they are my babies I will never get rid of them - what will remain of me without my bags? They are everything that make me who I am" /\ /__\ Last up we spoke with Londoner Merlin Copperfield aka DJ Pepe Paddington, a progressive deephouse artist who used to play every weekend in places like Ibiza and Doncaster before the crisis hit. He finds it difficult to cope with the new normal. “Its hard not to be in the spotlight right now, no shows, no adoration ...nothing to feed my self esteem! fortunately me and my manager hired a PR agency to see how we could keep momentum and people will still pay attention to me” Lysander Marmaduke of the Barbazon Communications Agency, who helps build profiles for artists, politicians and industry CEO’s, took on the case: After careful deliberation we decided that the best way to go for Paddington was to be a sort of spiritual counselor, giving guidance to people in these hard times. We devised that a series of tips how people can cope with the lockdown from the very personal experience of the DJ themselves would be the way to go. We let him brainstorm in his London apartment for a few days and then he came up with a list of Netflix shows and Playstation videogames people can watch and play. Brilliant! He is so down with the people...such simplicity, nobody would have thought of doing those things in lockdown. People will be thankful for his efforts so his career can just fly off again in light speed once the corona crisis is over next month!” Three different lives but all in the same boat sailing on the wild seas of the Corona virus. In the end the world keeps turning and we will persevere, as sooner or later the proverbial cat of society will land back on its feet...after a tumultuous free fall that is. Jazzmyne Breitkopf