28

The end of the year approached. Omiya occupied herself with his New Year robes to the exclusion of everything else. They were very splen-did and very numerous, but they only added to his gloom.

“I don't see why you're going to so much trouble. I'm not at all sure that I will even go to court.”

“Whatever are you talking about? You are behaving like a defeated old man.”

“I may not be old,” he said to himself, brushing away a tear, “but I certainly am defeated.”

His grandmother wanted to weep with him. She knew too well what was troubling him.

“They say that a man is only as low as his thoughts. You must pull yourself out of it. All this mooning, I can't think what good it will ever do you.”

“You needn't worry. But I know that people are calling me the unpro-moted marvel, and I don't enjoy going to court. If Grandfather were still alive they wouldn't be laughing at me. Father is Father, I know, and I know I should be going to him with my problems. But he is so stiff and remote and he doesn't come to the east lodge all that often. The lady there is very good to me, but I do wish sometimes that I had a mother of my own.”

He was trying to hide his tears, and she was now weeping openly. “It is sad for anyone, I don't care who, to lose his mother, but people do grow up and follow their own destinies, and these little stings and smarts go away. You must not take them so seriously. I agree that it would have been nice if your grandfather had lived a little longer. Your father should be doing just as much for you, but in some ways he does rather leave something to be desired. People say what a fine figure of a man your uncle, the minister, is, but I only think myself that he is less and less like the boy I used to know. When I see you so unhappy, and your whole future ahead of you, I wonder if I haven't lived too long. You are letting yourself get worked up over nothing at all, I know, but I do get angry for you.”