This unaltered story [1] was originally published on OpenDemocracy.org.
License [2]: Creative Commons 4.0 - Attributions/No Derivities/Int'l.
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An Unmarvellous Party: a #PartyGate poem

By:   []

Date: 2022-01 

I’ve not been to a marvellous party

I could not have disliked it much more

No one who’s no one was not there as well

Dear Allegra cried off – what a bore



If it happened at all, which it didn’t

It was totally socially distanced

A world well away from the hoi polloi

And their ghastly reek of subsistence



There were no balloons! Can you imagine?

The sine qua non for a party to swing

This pseudo-shindig was so infra dig

A Christmas-business-drinkie-quiz-thing



What a swellegant party it wasn’t

It was oh so not terribly jolly

We did not swig El Vino Collapso

The wine that was not would be Bolly



There were no cheese and pineapple hedgehogs

Vol-au-vents? No – horribly comical

If one nibbles one nibbles Beluga

Canapes should be gastronomical



Bozza was too busy to be Santa

He was stuffing your bird in his freezer

He was pulling the plug on your fairy lights

Shouting “Eat your heart out Ebenezer!”



Rishi burnt Bob Cratchitt’s last twenty quid

Jacob snapped Tiny Tim’s crutches in half

Not really – that’s just our little joke

Just a giggle, top bantz, what a laugh



Some Palestinian chap called Jesus

Was not refused entry by Priti

Dom did not dunk his baubles in eggnog

Such a shame, quel dommage, what a pity



Simply no one pulled lonely Matt’s cracker

Or snogged him underneath the mistletoe

Liz did not twist her truss in a tango

Totes hilarious! Not. Ho, ho, ho!



Frosty the Snowman did not pass the parcel

There was no devil’s dandruff for Govey

No hokey-cokey, no karaoke

No 'Livin’ on a Prayer' by Bon Jovi



We did not roast Nat King Cole’s chestnuts

There was no tinsel time hanky-panky

No fun at all – but did you see Sajid?

Well did you evah? What a Widow Twankey!



Now Mum’s the word to the vulgar herd

Let’s pretend not to snigger or guffaw

I’ve not been to a marvellous party

I could not have disliked it much more
[END]

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