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MY UNCLE’S MOVIE REVIEWS [1]

['Matthew Dalldorf', 'Kelli Anne Busey', 'Chitown Kev', 'Belinda Ridgewood', 'Bill In Portland Maine']

Date: 2026-07-16  

‘Everyone’s a critic”, so saith the classic idiom, made literal by the internet. Now just about everyone in the free world can play amateur Gene Siskel (or Gene Shalit depending on your fondness for puns). I don’t believe it’s controversial to say that this is not always a good thing as I’m sure many of us know someone whose lack of knowledge or curiosity on a subject won’t stop them from pompously pontificating their uninformed opinions.

Presented below are eight mock-”reviews” written by me borrowing my uncle’s voice. Each of them is a reason why the world should consider itself lucky that my uncle doesn’t have an imdb account. And just so you know, I didn’t exaggerate any of it; not even slightly.

Oklahoma (1955): How would this asshole know if the corn could reach an elephant’s eye? Are there even elephants in Oklahoma? The movie never tells us. It’s just so stupid. I did get excited when Gloria Graham started singing about how she “Can’t say no”, thinking that maybe we’d get to see a good demonstration, but it was all just more pointless singing. Why is there so much damn singing in this thing? Music is stupid! And Gloria Graham is a bitch anyway! She was in all these movies and never once showed her butt! Well, she did fuck her teenage stepson which was pretty cool, but other than that she’s a bitch. They should’ve cast Linda Lovelace instead so we can actually see the inability to say no in action! That’d be a lot better than just singing a stupid song about it! Now, Linda Lovelace, she was a real actress! Anyway, there’s this stupid part where this stupid asshole lights this stupid hay on stupid fire to burn a stupid couple who were on top of it for some stupid reason. Why were they up there? I went to the bathroom without pausing and the movie didn’t rewind itself to show me what happened when I wasn’t there which reflects very poorly on the script. Thankfully, I don’t give a shit anyway because it’s all too stupid. Zero stars.

Mad Max (1979): The whole thing is just driving; ‘Oh, let’s drive over here. Now let’s drive that way. Let’s drive straight and turn around to drive the other way.’ That’s the whole damn movie! Nothing but driving! Driving is stupid and they don’t even have nice cars. You’d think since the whole stupid movie was about driving, they’d at least get cars that weren’t so damn ugly. And why are they in a desert? They thought a paying audience would just want to look at sand the whole time? Deserts are stupid. It should’ve taken place in Hawaii, so I could ogle the hoola girl’s butts, but there are no hoola girls, and not catering to my every whim makes this movie bad. Then I played on my phone for a while and when I looked up again, something exploded but I don’t know what exploded or why, so I guess the air just blew up for no reason. Stupid. Zero stars.

The Matrix (1999): Right off the bat I have no idea what’s going on. Why are people flying around kicking things? Who are the men in suits and why do they care about Keanu Reeves? I don’t give a shit about Keanu Reeves, his voice is stupid and so are his pants. Why do they all wear sunglasses at night? Is this supposed to be like The Blues Brothers? Why aren’t they explaining what’s going on? Oh wait, I think they’re explaining things now, and, Ah god, now they’re just talking about the plot! Is this whole stupid movie just exposition? I don’t need them to stupidly explain every stupid detail, just get to the action already! Wasn’t there supposed to be kung fu? Oh, there’s the kung fu. God, this whole show is nothing but fighting! What’s the plot supposed to be? Is there a reason for all this fighting? Nope, just a lot of mindless action! This is so stupid. I can’t stand it, it’s just too stupid! And when I took off my glasses, I couldn’t see what was going on, so the cinematography sucks too. Not that there really is anything going on since they’re talking now and that’s all this movie has been– nothing but talking. There’s no action in the whole show! Also, there’s a woman in it and I didn’t see her butt, so why was she there? Anyway, if you’ve seen ‘Office Space’ then you’ve already seen this because they both have computers in them and that makes them the exact same movie. Morpheus is a stupid name. Zero stars.

The Color Purple (1987): Purple is a stupid color. Zero Stars.

Crazy Rich Asians (2018): I heard complaints that having an Asian cast makes this movie woke and I didn’t know what woke meant, so I asked my nephew about it, but decided not to pay attention when he explained it, so I still don’t know. One thing I did pick up is that Republicans hate it and since I hate Republicans, I guess I must be woke! So I must like this movie because it’s woke just like me! My only complaint is that I couldn’t tell who the characters were because they looked the same. Three stars.

The Abyss (1989): How are people walking around the bottom of the ocean like it’s nothing? There’s no water pressure? How are they breathing? Oh right, okay, my nephew just reminded me that some stupid guy invented some stupid breathable liquid. God, that’s so stupid. Oh, and there are also people made of water. What the hell is that about? So do we drink these people whenever we drink from the faucet? Do we swim in them at the pool? Oh, I guess we can breathe them since liquid is apparently breathable now. It’s all too stupid. It’s just too stupid. Sci-fi movies should only focus on technology that already exists and discoveries that were already made instead of just making up crap. James Cameron just doesn’t understand science fiction. Zero stars.

F9: The Fast Saga (2021): I really wanted to see this after watching the trailer, but was utterly mortified to find that the movie was exactly what the trailer advertised; a fact I must now dedicate the entirety of the next two weeks to complaining about. Zero stars. (Author’s note: Yes, this is 100% real)

The Big Snatch (1971): This is an obscure sexploitation flick that consists entirely of some dirty looking guy raping a bunch of women and…well, that’s it as far as the story goes. I can’t talk about the characters because they’re aren’t any, there’s no apparent direction and I can’t comment on the quality of writing because I’m pretty sure there wasn’t any script. That said, I did see butts. A masterpiece! Four stars.

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