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Men, Friendship=Work! [1]

['This Content Is Not Subject To Review Daily Kos Staff Prior To Publication.']

Date: 2024-12-16  

I’m sooooo over the constant headlines about Men Are So Lonely! I have had the same best friend for 49 years (pictured above.) I also have 3 other “Ride or Die” female friends. My husband has one, so/so friend and one former close friend who ghosted him and he doesn’t know why. I know why! He’s not careful with other people’s feelings and that guy was a sensitive person. (Good Job Mom of That Guy!) All these articles blame this loneliness on society and it is total B.S.!

No one, that I see, is telling the truth, which is that most men will not do the work that it takes to initiate and maintain a true friendship. You have to be there for this person when they need you. Listen to them cry on the phone for an hour WITHOUT GIVING THEM ADVICE! They do not want your advice! They want someone to hear them. Back them up even when you think they were in the wrong as long as they are not hurting anyone.

Call them just to talk. Send them a gift when they are down. If they are in trouble of some kind, show up and yank their ass out somewhere as in, “I know you are depressed but we’re going to the zoo, library book sale, diner, movie, etc. Get dressed!” Lend them your clothes. Throw them a bridal party or baby party. Go on a fun trip when they need to get away somewhere to process something. Show up at their mom’s funeral even if you have to fly and stay in a hotel. Guard them while their crazy sister tries to bully them into giving her more than half of the inheritance. I have done all these and more for my best friend, all these years. She has only sons, so she calls every week wanting updates on my daughter’s wedding plans. I’m kind of sick of wedding talk but I indulge her anyway. This is as close as she will ever get to watching a daughter get married.

I love my husband but he does none of these things. He relies on my work by cozying up to MY friends. If not for me, he would never get invited to dinner at anyone’s house. He has not bought 1 gift for anyone in my family or his own since the day we married. He uses my daughter to pick my gifts out, which is fine; he never has any idea what I want anyway.

If I ask my daughter for a specific gift such as a case for my e-reader, she’ll say, “That’s too easy! I throw that one to Nick (my son.)”

Both my husband and my daughter try to tell ME when they are upset with one another. I have to FORCE them to talk to each other. They are not comfortable doing so. Even my mother-in-law (en paz descanse!) greatly preferred me to her only child. She once said to me, “Que pesado es tu marido!” I replied, “You mean YOUR son?” She did not get the sarcasm and replied, “Obvio!”

When she was old and dying, my husband kept nagging his Cuban mother to eat weeds and seeds instead of ham, squeaky cheese, Coca Cola, etc. I was nagging him, to just sit with her and tell her you love her. I would sneak out and buy her steaks, Coca Cola, ham and cheese subs, pastry, etc. My husband would be irate about that. I would reply, “She’s 88 years old! I’d go get her a cigar, a bottle of Jack and a male hooker if she asked me to! She deserves to be happy in her final years.” Any time I was with her, I sat through Wheel of Fortune, Price is Right and Jeopardy. I hate game shows! I listened to all her crazy theories for 30 years. As in, “Don’t let the baby talk to soon, her teeth will come late!” or “Don’t let them open their mouths when it’s snowing, they will get pneumonia!” Those two are truly things she said. I nodded where my husband would yell, “Your’e crazy Mamá!”

I could go on but won’t. I don’t hate men at all, but I am tired of the narrative that you are victims of society. If you are lonely, go volunteer somewhere or join an organization like the ELKS or local Democratic Party or a sports team and then DO THE WORK! Invite someone to dinner, to walk on the beach, to go to your gym on a free pass or something. It’s not THAT hard! Be careful of their feelings. Sympathize rather than advise. Read the room. Watch their face and try to judge how you are coming across. Listen when they talk instead of just waiting for your turn. Don’t use introversion as an excuse. I am also an introvert and so are 3 of my best friends.

If so many of you are lonely then there should be plenty of potential friends out there.

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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2024/12/16/2292195/-Men-Friendship-Work?pm_campaign=front_page&pm_source=latest_community&pm_medium=web

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