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Trump’s inaugural address LEAKED! (Satire) [1]

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Date: 2024-11-13  

My fellow Americans, it is great to look out at the huge crowd here today, and it is larger, much larger, than when I was here 8 years ago, and that was a record-setting crowd, which was confirmed by the parks department in charge of crowd size. I’m here to announce lots of changes, so many changes to this wonderful country. The first thing to do is to announce a pardon for every person who was involved in the love-fest 4 years ago, since it was a love-fest. My enemies call it an insurrection, but it wasn’t, it was a love-fest. And I hereby order all of those people who put these love-fest people in jail to be locked up. Yes, we will lock them all up and throw away the key. And I hereby pardon myself of any and all crimes, at least they call them crimes, nobody has ever been accused of so many crimes that was innocent of all crimes, in the history of this country. Even Lincoln and Washington weren’t accused of so many crimes, and I was a greater president than them. Lincoln was a great president, wasn’t he. And he was shot, just like I was. Exactly the same, only I survived by the grace of God, and he did not. I’m also announcing that every person in the military who didn’t vote for me will be immediately rounded up and court martialed for treason. Every general must be loyal to me. In fact, they will all be taking loyalty oaths to me and me alone. And they will all love doing that, and they will show that they love it, because that is how they will show their love of country by showing me love. I’m also announcing that I am replacing the vice president, JD Vance, with my wonderful son in law, Jared Kushner, because I just found out that Vance once compared me to Hitler, and I am nothing like Hitler. You will notice that Vance is not here today, because he has already been put into a secure and safe place, and then he willingly took his own life because he realized how badly he behaved. So, Vance is no longer vice president, and I want my son in law as vice president, and I expect the Senate to confirm him immediately, and I’ve already been told by Rick Scott, the new Senate leader that they will call for that as soon as this speech is over. That is all I’m going to say right now, and I’m glad everyone, so many many people came here today to make this the biggest best speech in our nation’s history. It might even be the biggest crowd in the history of the world. It is a big crowd, and it just proves that when I cancel elections in 4 years and put my son Don in charge, everyone is going to love it, absolutely love it. I could run again if I wanted to, since I’m going to eliminate the rule that says I can’t, but that was a stupid rule anyway. The dumbest rule in the history of the world. But Don Junior will be a great president. Not the best, since I’m the best there ever was, but he will be a great one, as will my son Baron when he gets a little older, and he’ll make a great president too, even better than Don here. Than you all for coming. The people here who voted for me, go out by the exit over to my right. If you didn’t vote for me, go out by the exit over to my left, where you will be greeted by some friendly people, the most friendly people.

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[1] Url: https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2024/11/13/2285866/-Trump-s-inaugural-address-LEAKED?pm_campaign=front_page&pm_source=more_community&pm_medium=web

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