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Dear Abby, I am being driven to near madness... [1]

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Date: 2023-06-16  

Dear Abby,

I am being driven to the point of near-madness by the seemingly universal mischaracterization of afternoon tea as “high tea.” Why do people, especially Americans, do this? Do they think it makes the occasion seem exalted, as if His Majesty, King Charles III, might pop round for a cuppa if they call it “high tea” rather than “afternoon tea”?

Afternoon tea is a social occasion--never earlier than 3 o'clock, never later than 5 o'clock--enjoyed by ladies. (Men generally do not care for it, most of them greatly preferring Strong Drink.) Delicate cups and plates of eggshell china are used for afternoon tea. Thinly cut cucumber or smoked salmon sandwiches are served, along with apricot or strawberry tartlets, chocolate-iced fairy cakes (Britspeak for cupcakes), and a large un-iced cake, such as a Victoria Sandwich, sitting on a cake stand. The hostess asks the guest if she would prefer China or Indian tea, whether she would like lemon or milk, and whether she wants one lump of sugar or two.

Afternoon tea is meant to keep one reasonably well fed between luncheon at one o’clock and dinner at eight o’clock.

High tea (also known as “farmhouse tea”) is supper, and you serve it to your children at six o'clock. High tea consists of brown bread, butter, and honey; cheese; sometimes ham, lettuce, and tomatoes, but more often soft-boiled eggs with soldiers; and plain cake, such as barm brack, bara brith, or gingerbread. After this feast, the children are bathed, put into pajamas, and packed off to bed.

Years ago in Washington, DC, there existed a society for girls called “The High Tea Society.” The young ladies, all under 18 years old, were encouraged to dress up in hats, white gloves, and party frocks, so they could be taken out to tea at a suitable venue. I wrote to the head of the society, pointing out that what the young ladies were having was afternoon tea, not high tea. The person in charge wrote back that she knew that, but the appellation “high tea” was meant to encourage the disadvantaged girls to aspire to a better life. That’s all well and good, but if the young ladies in question ever visit the U.K. and talk about how they dress up for “high tea,” they’ll be met with blank stares.

Abby, how can I retain my sanity in the face of such (seemingly universal) verbal intransigence? Sign me,

Whinging Pom Lover

Dear Whinging,

If you feel that strongly about the subject, why the hell don’t you go live in the U.K., then? Outside London it’s still possible to order “tea for two, please, tea and cakes” in provincial teashops. Admittedly, unlike your husband you are not a U.K. citizen, although you could easily pass for one, given that you (1) sprinkle Houses of Parliament sauce on your scrambled eggs; (2) make your tea in a teapot and cover it with a tea cosy while it’s brewing; and (3) habitually refer to your American bathrobe and house shoes as your dressing-gown and slippers.

If you can’t emigrate, then educate the American public! Write a novel in which characters using the correct term for afternoon tea lead long, satisfying lives, while those who stubbornly persist in using the term “high tea” are forced to subsist miserably on peanut butter sandwiches and watch “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” over and over again on streaming TV.

And stop whinging!

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