[HN Gopher] How to talk to anyone, and why you should
___________________________________________________________________
How to talk to anyone, and why you should
Author : Looky1173
Score : 269 points
Date : 2026-02-24 20:08 UTC (5 days ago)
(HTM) web link (www.theguardian.com)
(TXT) w3m dump (www.theguardian.com)
| general_reveal wrote:
| I find the community on Clubhouse understand this better than
| anyone (well, this is true for Reddit and HN too). Clubhouse
| especially though because people are bat shit crazy on there and
| somehow conversations happen. It's a hidden gem that I think the
| HN community would enjoy.
| chatmasta wrote:
| Clubhouse is still around?!
| dewey wrote:
| That the copyright notice on their site still says "2025"
| probably says a lot. I was kinda expecting to find an AI
| pivot when I opened that landing page.
| general_reveal wrote:
| For what it's worth, they are _living_ a AI pivot. TOS just
| changed so they keep transcripts of all voice and actually
| pop it into an LLM to subjectively determine your karma
| points. They are absolutely selling audio data for fine
| tuning purposes imho, and they are absolutely training on
| all audio. It's a AI shovel selling company for sure.
| general_reveal wrote:
| Yes, it's niche like Slashdot it seems. Good fun, might be
| worth making an HN room.
| mannycalavera42 wrote:
| you cannot sign up without sharing your contact list (lol)
| general_reveal wrote:
| It's a dark pattern. You have to check the box and then
| click "Don't allow". You do not need to share contact or
| real name or anything.
|
| It's a good app, I'm not saying the people that run it are
| good lol.
| aghuang wrote:
| I haven't heard of Clubhouse being mentioned in a long time.
| Last time I checked, it didn't gain traction after 2021 and
| never heard of the app being mentioned since then.
|
| Are there people still using the app? If so how are they making
| money?
| 5o1ecist wrote:
| Interesting. Not the content itself, but the intention behind it:
| Improvement of social cohesion.
|
| Hmmmm.
|
| People are compartmentalized into groups hating on each other.
| They're afraid of committing wrong-think and getting labelled,
| branded, attacked. They prioritize people who aren't there
| (online people, like you and myself) over those who are.
|
| It's especially interesting from my perspective, because in
| Vienna we _still_ have some sort of KaffeeHaus-Kultur.
| CoffeeHouse culture. You can sit there for hours, reading your
| book, with a coffee and it does not matter, unless the space is
| really needed.
|
| It's very common to just chat with whoever runs the place at that
| moment, too. A sense of familiarity is part of the job. For
| regulars, like myself, the coffee house turns into a second
| living room:
|
| We people there started talking to each other.
|
| When I was a teenager, many years ago, I had a coffeehouse for
| table-soccer. It wasn't a club, or association. It was a
| coffeehouse with table soccer, with gatherings of players.
|
| ...
|
| I guess my tangent meant to point at the need for both general,
| or specialized, "social hubs", where regularly appearing people
| silently agree to, eventually, getting talked to.
|
| Not like a club. Clubs are too much commitment, causing
| resistance.
| XorNot wrote:
| You can't simplify it to "people want to hate each other".
|
| The topical issues of today causing strife are not reconcilable
| when the division is "these are the people we're going to
| hate".
| mannycalavera42 wrote:
| a table-soccer coffeehouse, now I know what I want to do in
| life :)
| danielodievich wrote:
| My recently deceased mother had a talent for talking to anyone at
| any time in any language. She's always been incredibly social and
| could establish connections with strangers very rapidly. One time
| she brought in a school teacher/sheep farmer from Dagestan
| selling yarn from his sheep's wool, she met him at the market and
| bought all yarn and asked if he had somewhere to stay before
| going back, and he didn't. He stayed in our house for a couple of
| nights, and then we visited him in that little village in
| mountains of Dagestan on a summer vacation, talk about going back
| a few centuries in time, an incredible and unusual experience.
|
| I've had to spend week and a half battling Gmail daily email
| account limits sending batches of 500 emails just to notify
| people in her address book, receiving hundreds of responses. Her
| memorial was attended by hundreds of people.
|
| It served her very well in her chosen career of real estate
| sales, although I think she'd might have done really well in
| community organizing or even politics where those skills are also
| very useful.
|
| On the flip side, it was sometimes difficult to be there as
| family wanting some attention, since her bright light was always
| shining in many directions.
|
| I've inherited just some of that talent, and I think it is a
| talent, but trainable.
|
| I miss her already.
| SequoiaHope wrote:
| Beautiful story, thank you for sharing.
| B-Con wrote:
| > I've had to spend week and a half battling Gmail daily email
| account limits sending batches of 500 emails just to notify
| people in her address book, receiving hundreds of responses.
| Her memorial was attended by hundreds of people.
|
| I love this story, because I had the same experience. When my
| dad passed, I had the same 500 email limitation, and had to
| send out multiple waves of emails through Gmail. He was loved
| by so many people!
| SequoiaHope wrote:
| After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the
| socialskills subreddit to "talk to everyone" so that you get
| better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was
| not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man
| reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people
| in the elevator.
|
| I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while
| leaving a botanical garden I spoke to a man who was excitedly
| looking for a few specific plants. He is a botanist (amateur?
| professional? unclear) and I enjoyed sharing in his passion for a
| moment. Then I saw a maintenance guy moving with great intention
| who took a moment to ask me and my family if we had a nice time.
| We did, and I asked him about the papers in his hand. "Gotta get
| approval for this purchase request asap." He said. We talked a
| bit about how nice it is to work at such a beautiful place.
|
| I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go
| out and try it.
| treetalker wrote:
| This is great. Thanks, and cheers.
| r17n wrote:
| I love this. I know I struggle with "I don't want to bother
| this person".
|
| How do you deal with that?
| mindwok wrote:
| Would you be bothered if a stranger struck up a nice
| conversation with you? Most people like it! And even if they
| don't, that's ok, trust people to tell you their boundaries
| and respect them when they do. Nothing wrong with bothering
| someone if they tell you or send a strong signal and you
| respect it.
| dmd wrote:
| See my answer to that question is "er, yes, obviously??!"
| and so I assume, apparently incorrectly, that everyone is
| like me.
| jibal wrote:
| If it's obvious to you that everyone should be bothered
| by people being friendly then there's an error in your
| reasoning process.
| dmd wrote:
| I'm guessing you're either from the midwest US, or not
| from the US. Am I right?
| grayhatter wrote:
| I have a hard time imagining this. What kind of scenario
| are you imagining?
| frumplestlatz wrote:
| Yes, 100%. I don't want to have a surface-level
| conversation with a stranger.
|
| I'm also never going to be rude about it -- unless you are
| first. Just pick up on the obvious hints that I'm not super
| into talking.
| doubled112 wrote:
| If they seem uninterested in talking, tell them to have a
| nice day, then carry on with yours.
| gabaix wrote:
| Learn the social cues. People won't say when they are busy.
| They might not ask you questions back, or keep doing what
| they do.
| gyomu wrote:
| As the article says, you just take the risk. Maybe you will
| bother the person. It's okay, you'll be able to quickly tell
| if you do, and you just gracefully back away and go on with
| your day. It'll probably happen much less than you think.
| wanderingstan wrote:
| I concur. And would just add two points: (1) Make it that
| you're not asking for anything / don't open with something
| that could be perceived as a setup to asking for money, or
| pushing a religion. :) 2) be sensitive to social cues or
| that they want to be left alone, like terse answers or
| shifting their attention away from you
| beached_whale wrote:
| I think that it comes down to that people often like to talk
| about their interests but worry that the recipient may not
| be. So we end up with two people who want to talk but worried
| about the others feelings.
| hluska wrote:
| These are called questions. They're great. Hell, if you
| want to be regarded as a great conversationalist and great
| storyteller, all you have to do is ask questions.
| paulpauper wrote:
| Then just disengage the conversation when this happens
| karpovv-boris wrote:
| For me that clicked we are all just kids. Your parents are
| struggling with some problems in everyday life as you are.
| Your teachers sometimes might say they don't know the answer
| to your question in their field which is alright. (Parents
| and teachers are two figures who we look up to.) My point is
| that if you're thinking, "they have much more experience and
| I don't, so no need to bother them.." you're wrong.
| Basically, they could have more things, but about same lot of
| problems in the life as you. After that, just start asking
| simple questions.
| thegreatpeter wrote:
| Just practice. You will inevitably run into ppl that don't
| want to talk. Don't take it personally, don't push it and try
| again
| baxtr wrote:
| Do you get bothered when someone talks to you in a nice
| fashion?
| rootusrootus wrote:
| Not the guy you asked, but my answer is: only if they are
| panhandling. Otherwise I usually feel a little surprised
| that someone would have any interest in my thoughts. So I
| feel a bit tickled if they have genuine interest.
| leonflexo wrote:
| If the answer is, "of course not". Pull that thread.
| Honestly, so much "therapy" for some of us boils down to
| confronting/examining that disconnect and exploring why it
| exists/how it came to be.
| baxtr wrote:
| Thanks for completing my comment :)
| singpolyma3 wrote:
| Yes
| baxtr wrote:
| Interesting. How come?
| singpolyma3 wrote:
| Because I'm busy inside of my own head and they
| interrupted my flow.
| deanmoriarty wrote:
| I genuinely get bothered when someone talks to me. I am
| typically rushing through my day to do stuff, whether it is
| hiking, grocery shopping, working out, or going to the
| restroom at work, and getting interrupted feels to me like
| getting an unwanted push notification on your phone.
|
| When someone occasionally engages, I extremely quickly
| dismiss them in the most polite, but firm, way possible. I
| also intentionally keep a demeanor that generally signals
| I'm not open to random conversations (I avoid eye contact
| etc.), but that often doesn't work. At the gym it is
| particularly problematic, I'm focusing on gathering
| strength for my next set and sometimes people bother you
| even if I am wearing headphones.
|
| I truly do not have a problem with who I am, I'm
| comfortable in my shoes.
|
| As such, never in a million years I would approach a
| stranger to strike up a conversation, it would seem an
| incredibly rude thing to do towards them, on top of clearly
| not having any desire to engage from my side.
|
| I'll talk for hours straight to my wife, close family and
| the very few friends I have though!
| cdrini wrote:
| > I extremely quickly dismiss them in the most polite,
| but firm, way possible.
|
| And I think that's the answer; people who don't want to
| talk will simply tell you! And everyone carries on.
| jibal wrote:
| But they said it's rude just to speak to them ... which
| is a factually erroneous characterization.
| setsewerd wrote:
| Fascinating how much this varies by culture too. People
| generally have attitudes similar to you in Nordic
| countries, or even Seattle, but then you go to South
| American countries, or India, and it feels like everyone
| talks to everyone all the time.
| jibal wrote:
| > it would seem an incredibly rude thing to do
|
| It's one thing to not want it and to be comfortable not
| wanting it, but viewing it as rude goes way beyond that
| and is not rational.
| mh2266 wrote:
| https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/introvert
| hluska wrote:
| My grandpa had a gift for people - the man could start a
| conversation with anyone, form fast friends and remember
| their spouse's middle name in twenty years.
|
| As he put it, it's a coin toss. Maybe you're bothering them
| or maybe they're grateful to have someone to distract them.
| Each is equally true before you start the conversation.
|
| The key is being able to read social cues. If you can, you
| can stop bothering them.
| Agingcoder wrote:
| You virtually never bother them - worst case they'll turn you
| down.
|
| On the contrary, they're usually very happy to tell you about
| what they do.
| coffeefirst wrote:
| I got a puppy. Then everyone wanted to talk to my puppy.
| technothrasher wrote:
| I usually just start with a small harmless joke about the
| current situation we're both in. People either don't respond
| to it, and I leave them alone, or they engage and a
| conversation commences.
| jibal wrote:
| You're not afraid of bothering them, you're afraid of
| rejection. But so what if they do? The fear isn't rational,
| so choose to overcome it.
| grayhatter wrote:
| > "I don't want to bother this person".
|
| > How do you deal with that?
|
| You teach yourself to say no, to the things you don't want to
| do.
|
| I considered leaving just that pithy reply, because that's
| really it. But some of the extra context; It's not a bother
| to ask someone to hold the door they're already going through
| because your hands are full. Starting a conversation is about
| as intrusive as that. The vast majority of people don't mind
| making some small talk, and ontop of that, the majority can
| make an excuse if they don't have time. You only assume they
| can't politely decline, because you can't. Once you learn to
| say no thanks, politely, but explicitly and directly. You'll
| actually understand and expect others to return the favor.
|
| That's a much more fair way to interact with people too.
| bluebarbet wrote:
| This will never be me (I find any kind of smalltalk
| excruciating). But I'm so grateful, not to say relieved, that
| there are people like you. Society needs you.
| bogzz wrote:
| "EXCUSE ME, SIR! I see you are moving with great intention.
| Might your hurriedness be in connection with those papers you
| hold in your hand? Pray tell, for I much desire to converse!
| Aah, I see, I was right to assume you were in a hurry. Anyway,
| it must be wonderful to be working at a place as beautiful as
| this, is it not? Hah ha ha yees, isn't it wonderful. Well,
| alright then be on your way if you must."
|
| Sorry but I couldn't help imagining you as the fake health
| inspector from Fawlty Towers while reading your comment.
|
| I do agree with you though, talking is great, we are social
| animals even though modern life allows us to forget this, to
| our own detriment.
| phatskat wrote:
| When I was staying with my older brothers, one of their
| magazines was along the lines of maybe a GQ but in the 90's,
| iirc I was probably in middle school, and probably reading
| content a bit above my age level in terms of concept.
|
| One of their articles though was about "talking to women" but
| it also emphasized just talking to _anyone_. It had suggestions
| like "if you're out at the bar, just ask to sit with a random
| group, introduce yourself, and have a conversation."
|
| Many years later in college, I did indeed try this at a bar and
| was pleasantly surprised. I didn't make any long term friends,
| or find a new partner, but I did really start honing the skill
| of being social with anyone. It's hard, and especially for me
| and my social anxiety, it has also really helped me feel more
| comfortable in places unfamiliar and people unknown.
| paulpauper wrote:
| _I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go
| out and try it._
|
| I did this a few times and it surprisingly worked. I was able
| to make small talk about an article I was reading. Did it
| matter that I didn't come off with the confidence of Tony
| Robbins? No.
| vedaba wrote:
| Until you run into an A-hole whose response ruins the rest of
| your day when you were just trying to be sociable. I could even
| see getting physically assaulted for trying to talk to the
| wrong stranger. I like where your heart is at, unfortunately
| many people out there are not deserving of it.
| DiskoHexyl wrote:
| The idea of practicing these random interactions is also to
| get accustomed to rejections from the assholes. After all,
| they aren't the majority- most people are actually quite nice
| and often appreciate a company (or will politely tell you
| they don't need one)
| kgwxd wrote:
| It's great as long as they don't turn out to be a creep. And
| that's terrible advice for practicing talking to women. Talking
| to a person you're attracted to, or want anything from in
| general, isn't going to present the same way. No matter how
| much you practice. Attractive women have to deal with that, all
| day, every day. They'll shut it down quickly if they're not
| interested. You'll be the creep if you don't quietly take the
| hint, and walk away, when they're not.
| zerkten wrote:
| I found mixed results given underlying anxiety that hadn't been
| diagnosed at the point I was trying this. Talking to new people
| at work, while out pursuing hobbies, and around town, all
| accrued to more and better conversations.
|
| It was a much bigger struggle with conversations where I was
| putting extra pressure on myself. Being able to have those
| other conversations was helpful though. Eventually, I found a
| therapist and am in a better place with this.
| oDot wrote:
| I find the decay of human connections an interesting problem to
| solve. I used to have an app that encouraged meeting in person by
| utilizing friends inviting other friends[0]. This solved many
| app-problems like correct matching and safety.
|
| Didn't catch on, though. Setting up events turned out to be too
| prohibitive. If this interests anyone feel free to contact me at
| contact [at] eventful [dot] is
|
| [0] https://blog.eventful.is/p/the-perfect-dating-app
| throw475787 wrote:
| Talking to strangers without a good reason, is inpolite and
| border line illegal in many countries (for example recent street
| harassment ban in UK).
|
| Author should know better. They seem to be well educated, and
| write about consent of filming.
|
| Not everyone is interested in small "therapeutic" chitchat. I am
| not unpaid therapist, and I have no interest in other people
| problems or opinions.
| Slow_Hand wrote:
| I guess I'll risk it anyway.
| hermitcrab wrote:
| I live in the UK and have no idea what 'recent street
| harassment ban in UK' refers to.
|
| Talking to strangers is not 'impolite'[1], let alone 'border
| line illegal', in the UK.
|
| [1]Depends on context of course. No chit-chat in public
| toilets, thanks.
| hunterpayne wrote:
| 1) Compared to the US, Brits live very socially isolated
| lives. You are just used to it.
|
| 2) There was a (small) government taskforce in the UK to
| prevent/arrest men for approaching women on the street. It
| backfired badly as you might expect. It was politically
| unpopular, yet it got enough coverage to change people's
| behavior but not in the way the politicians expected.
| Specially, amounts of SA didn't change but the number of
| dates did.
|
| 3) Someone is upset at this change in behavior and is trying
| to revert it.
|
| 4) This is someone from the leopards eating faces party
| complaining about having their face eaten by a leopard.
| hermitcrab wrote:
| >1) Compared to the US, Brits live very socially isolated
| lives. You are just used to it.
|
| Based on what evidence?
|
| >There was a (small) government taskforce in the UK to
| prevent/arrest men for approaching women on the street.
|
| Never heard of it. Do you have a reference?
| watwut wrote:
| OP is using the usual conservative tactic of conflating
| "person convicted of catcalling, stalking or other
| intentionally sexual behaviour" with "person talking to a
| woman".
| throw7384488 wrote:
| > No chit-chat in public toilets, thanks.
|
| So yes, then?
|
| Border line means there are many variables, individial
| feelings and so on. In UK this interaction may be criminal
| with recent updates. Law is very vague and wide open to
| interpretation.
|
| Consider this:
|
| * it is illegal to block someones path, law is very specific
| about that
|
| * is sniffing or even licking someones cooch normal? I can
| ensure you, many people have VERY strong feelings about that!
| For some others it is normal behavior!
|
| * is commenting on apperance, clothing etc.. acceptable? Law
| is very vague
| hermitcrab wrote:
| >In UK this interaction may be criminal with recent
| updates.
|
| What updates? Be specific. Or are you just trolling?
| throw7384488 wrote:
| I think it was introducent around 2022.
|
| https://parliamentnews.co.uk/is-street-harassment-a-
| crime-in...
| hermitcrab wrote:
| "The Protection from Sex-Based Harassment in Public Act
| 2023 (which came into effect in 2024) makes it a criminal
| offence to intentionally harass someone in public because
| of their sex."
|
| That is a totally different thing from just having a
| conversation. You are clearly posting in bad faith and I
| won't be bothering to respond further.
| globular-toast wrote:
| I've had some great conversations with random strangers on public
| transport and in shops etc. Oddly I'm a complete introvert with
| quite bad social anxiety and avoid social events like work
| parties etc. But I like talking to strangers I'll never see
| again. I think it's partly because I'm not trying to make an
| impression and I'm not there _just_ to socialise. So it 's a bit
| crap for me that people are withdrawing and not engaging in
| random chit chat as much. It's so easy to be lonely these days.
| kenty wrote:
| It's indeed pretty interesting how our society has normalized
| being. what I would say is antisocial by the norms of previous
| generations in the form of the gen z stare. Funnilly I remember a
| situation where I got a job offer from somebody from an older
| generation and I just stood still and stared for 1 minute. Not
| because I wanted to be disrespectful but because I was processing
| the information and I was simply so baffled that I forgot the
| social dance of showing the thinking on my face and doing
| thinking sounds (if you know you know). This led to the other
| person holding a lecture on how you should respond that you do
| not have a response yet but I thinking. I ended up accepting.
| saaaaaam wrote:
| I talk to everyone. My friends and family joke that it's
| impossible for me to go anywhere without getting into
| conversation with someone. I can't imagine not doing it. Earlier
| this year I walked down the main shopping street it the part of
| the large city where I live, with a colleague from out of town.
|
| A few shopkeepers waved through their windows as I went past, the
| greengrocer came out of his shop to have a quick chat, the dry
| cleaner asked after my dog, and the guy from the household shop
| told me they have more of the cleaning paste I use. We bumped
| into a couple of folk I see every couple of weeks, then got a
| coffee and I paid the "special" rate rather than the rate on the
| sign that they charge people they don't know.
|
| My colleague said - half jokingly - "I didn't realise you were
| mayor", and tried to convince me that I should go into local
| politics. She couldn't understand when I said that would take all
| the pleasure out of it, because talking to people would become
| transactional rather than joyous.
|
| I can't imagine not talking to people. A while back I changed the
| route I take when I walk my dogs each day, and the guy who runs
| the local fish stall started asking people if I had left the area
| or died. I don't buy fish from him each week- but every time I
| see him stop and we have a chat.
|
| I feel incredibly lucky to be missed by my fishmonger just
| because I started walking my dogs a different route.
|
| I grew up in a tiny village in the country. The building I live
| in has hundreds of people living in it, compared to the few dozen
| houses where I grew up. I think talking to people makes a huge
| city feel smaller.
| parineum wrote:
| > She couldn't understand when I said that would take all the
| pleasure out of it, because talking to people would become
| transactional rather than joyous.
|
| It doesn't have to and I suspect that's why your colleague
| suggested it. Politicians act that way because that's what
| people want except they don't want someone who is acting.
|
| You have what politicians pretend to have because it makes
| people like them.
|
| You might be a terrible politician for other reasons but I
| don't think what you've said is true.
| hluska wrote:
| Hey bud, with all due respect, you're arguing against who
| someone believes they are.
| saaaaaam wrote:
| Hold on... what do I believe I am?!
| rootusrootus wrote:
| > talking to people would become transactional rather than
| joyous
|
| Only if you let it! I am guessing you would do well, because
| people can absolutely tell when you are being a smarmy
| politician and when you're actually a legitimately friendly,
| decent person.
| saaaaaam wrote:
| I've got a terrible poker face. People would instantly rumble
| me. So as soon as I had to talk to someone with politician
| face it would all go wrong.
| tumdum_ wrote:
| We are living in a dictatorship of extroverts, who go out of
| their way (what a suprprise) to tell us that their ways are
| obviously better.
| atultw wrote:
| It's really tiresome. I am happy to have to a conversation if
| approached, but don't tell me I "should" do the same to others
| skirmish wrote:
| I had a recent encounter with a guy in a coffee shop who
| approached me and wanted to discuss recent sportsball games
| in great detail. I had no idea what he was talking about, I
| don't even know the local teams, after living here 30 years.
| He had no other topics.
| gib444 wrote:
| I had a friend like that. Soccer soccer soccer. His soccer
| knowledge was impeccable. But he allowed almost no space in
| his life for anything else. A kind of addiction. He had no
| other interests, didn't read about anything else.
|
| There's only so mach a person can take being on the other
| side of someone like that. We drifted apart...
| mattlondon wrote:
| I hate these sort of things. Like everyone is just sitting there
| hoping, _hoping_ for someone to strike up a conversation with
| them. Oh _thank god_ someone has started a conversation with me!
| /sarcasm
|
| Respect people's boundaries please. Don't force yourself on
| people unless they're obviously willing participants.
|
| People put extroversion/introversion as like this binary,
| permanent thing that cannot be changed. In reality I think it is
| a spectrum that changes throughout the day and the situation.
| Someone might be introverted at 8am on their commute, but a wild
| extrovert at 9pm in the bar. Don't assume, don't try to "help"
| people you know nothing about.
| granfalloon wrote:
| What's being "forced"? And what boundaries aren't being
| respected? If someone attempts to strike up a conversation and
| you're not interested, you can signal that. Or just be direct
| and say you don't feel like talking. Sure, that can be
| uncomfortable, but you can't expect humanity as a whole to
| repress its social nature just to spare you occasional,
| fleeting moments of mild discomfort. (And despite the wide
| spectrum of social inclinations -- I'm definitely on the
| introverted end -- I think it's accurate to say that humans, as
| a species, crave social interaction.)
|
| In your ideal world, how would someone even signal they are a
| "willing participant" without talking to someone?
| mattlondon wrote:
| Because it is this "talk to _anyone_ " thing, like if they
| say no you just need to keep trying because really deep down
| they just don't know how _nice_ you 're being by giving
| _them_ a chance to talk to _you_.
|
| It's supreme arrogance. Read the body language and just leave
| people alone.
|
| If someone is up for talking they'll show the obvious signs -
| facing you, eye contact, smiling, that sort of waiting-for-
| something look/expression. I've had e-fucking-nough of people
| thinking they can "fix" me when I am trying to get some time
| to myself waiting for a train or whatever after a stressful
| day at work or being woken up endlessly by
| kids/neighbours/whatever.
|
| Otherwise it should be "talk to anyone _who is obviously open
| to and willing to have a conversation with you_ ", at which
| point it's a total tautology anyway and you don't need a
| guide, it's just natural chat that you don't need to force on
| someone to make it happen.
| purerandomness wrote:
| > keep trying because really deep down they just don't know
| how nice you're being by giving them a chance to talk to
| you.
|
| I don't fathom what kind of trauma would lead you to take
| this positive, light-hearted advice to connect to fellow
| human beings, and to spin this into such a vile, evil,
| anti-social narrative.
|
| How does that help?
| kshacker wrote:
| I am currently struggling with a deep rumination loop about
| events from 35 years ago; the trigger three weeks ago was
| completely accidental, but it was one of the biggest shocks I've
| had in decades. I can't help but think how different life would
| be if I had the communication skills then that I have now.
|
| Growing up in a conservative, religious household outside the US,
| there was no support for slow processors, and those who didn't
| fit the dogma were simply told to 'shut up.' The more you were
| forced to shut up, the more you closed off. Since this was before
| the internet, self-help tools were non-existent. I really wish
| the coaching tools and protocols we have today had been available
| back then. It wouldn't have changed everything, but it would have
| given me the tools to manage many situations that I simply
| couldn't handle at the time.
|
| And yes, I agree with the headline... talk to people, anyone,
| everyone. Maybe you'll get help, or maybe you just go for it--
| because regardless of any embarrassment you face now, you may
| find yourself proud of that courage decades later.
|
| PS: Improved with AI
| AntiDyatlov wrote:
| Man, talking to strangers in random places just feels socially
| uncalibrated to me, like I'm being retarded. The first time I
| across that idea was in the form of "cold approach", the idea of
| trying to score a date from a woman you see while out and about.
|
| I wonder if anyone who did this had to start from a baseline of
| feeling this is straight up weird (I'm pretty sure it is weird in
| my culture).
| Agingcoder wrote:
| This is very different
|
| Most random encounters have a pretext, from smoking a cigarette
| to talking to the shopkeeper, or being in a queue for a long
| time.
|
| Talking to a woman ( esp given that many of them are harassed
| from what I understand from my female friends ) without any
| reason to is much harder
| paulpauper wrote:
| Cold approaches worked better before social media and
| smartphones . now your awkward encounters can live forever
| online and cause humiliation for years to come , or some
| stranger looking for clout may step in. This is has become so
| common now , because everyone wants to be a hero.
| rootusrootus wrote:
| It is a hard skill, but I do recommend it. I have always
| struggled with initiating a conversation with a stranger, but 99
| times out of 100 it has turned out well. My teenage daughter just
| stands there agape when I do it, she is still struggling even to
| speak up to the cashier taking her fast food order. I keep
| telling her that it makes me pretty nervous too, but it is so
| worth taking the little leap.
| k__ wrote:
| I usually avoid strangers, because those who talk to you are
| usually weirdos.
|
| Thing is, if normal people don't talk to strangers anymore, then
| only the weirdos are left, reinforcing the idea that only weirdos
| talk to strangers...
| mattlondon wrote:
| +1 In any major city it's probably 90% chance they're either a
| crook trying to scam you out of something or mentally not quite
| right. The remaining 10% will be tourists or people from
| outside of the major city.
| hluska wrote:
| Or they have social skills?
| watwut wrote:
| If they cone accross as mwntally ill, they dont have social
| skill. Per definition.
|
| Scamming crools frequently do have good social skills, but
| of course there is that risk of being scammed if you talk
| to them.
| sieep wrote:
| I understand what both of you are saying, I lived in areas
| where if someone is talking to you on the street theres a
| high chance theyre asking you for something, so you learn
| to just kinda block all of it out. Now that I moved to a
| smaller town, I find myself talking to strangers much more
| frequently.
| majormajor wrote:
| You're confusing "asking people for something" with "talking
| to people."
|
| Nobody wants randos coming up to them and asking for
| something.
|
| Most people would be less lonely if everyone had more
| practice at making _non-transactional_ conversation.
|
| _Actively avoiding conversation_ still qualifies as
| "weirdo" behavior to most people.
| nzeid wrote:
| On public transit or a street, maybe. But only maybe.
|
| Are you willfully ignoring people at bars, night clubs,
| supermarkets, etc?
|
| It's obvious 99% of the time whether or not the conversation
| is in the wrong place and wrong time.
| hluska wrote:
| In my experience, only weirdos never speak to strangers. Social
| skills are easy, conversations are easy and strangers are just
| people you don't know yet.
|
| I still can't understand the point of this. Do you get a charge
| telling social anxious people they'll be weird if they do their
| homework? That's precisely what you did. Why?
| tl2do wrote:
| I agree that expanding communication with strangers is important.
| But starting with "Do you mind if I sit here? Or did you want to
| be alone with your thoughts?" and then continuing a conversation
| for 10+ minutes is a real struggle for me. Sometimes I even
| wonder--how exactly does this kind of individual conversation
| actually help me? Maybe this is just me.
| majormajor wrote:
| Yeah it'll be hard. But with a lot of practice it'll get
| easier. I think part of the practice is recognizing "they don't
| want me to continue this conversation" and bailing, vs trying
| to force _every_ interaction to be a deeper conversation.
|
| I never practiced "idle conversation with a complete stranger"
| like that because I was lazy. But I _did_ practice _making
| normal, non-sexual, conversation with women on dating sites and
| dates_ so that I could go from "isolated in school, then after
| going online, low response rate and never more than 1 or 2
| dates" to someone in a long-term relationship. And recognizing
| that sort of "ok there's just not any interest here, move
| along" signal was definitely relevant there too.
|
| Skills take investment.
|
| My parents didn't give me nearly as many opportunities to
| practice these skills as they had when they grew up, and pop
| culture actively encouraged me _not_ to talk to strangers as a
| kid, so I had to work harder at them as an adult. But it was
| worth it.
| tl2do wrote:
| Is it a matter of skill, or a matter of courage?
| reddalo wrote:
| >how exactly does this kind of individual conversation actually
| help me?
|
| It doesn't. It just helps the speaker.
| tl2do wrote:
| That makes me think--why do I enjoy conversations with
| friends then? What's really the difference between a friend
| and a stranger? Friends annoy me too, maybe even more often
| than strangers do.
| divan wrote:
| Does it work in Scandinavian countries?
| Agingcoder wrote:
| My kids make fun of me because I know the shopkeepers around me
| by first name, along with the details of their businesses , and
| that shopping takes forever because I talk to everyone, customers
| included.
|
| I just love it, it's easy and I get a lot in return - from perks
| to incredible encounters. At work it's been very helpful.
|
| I developed that skill while traveling alone for a year , and it
| boils down to practicing and reading whether the person you're
| talking to is ok with your talking or not.
|
| In any case, it makes me immensely happy.
| saaaaaam wrote:
| This is absolutely my experience.
|
| And now because I know them I go there because I can buy my
| stuff but also spend five minutes chatting and that makes going
| grocery shopping a real joy. And because I go there and chat
| they do nice things like give me a couple of tomatoes or
| "you've got to try this cake" or the wine shop where I
| automatically get a 15% discount, or the butcher where they let
| me in when are already closed but they know I've come over
| specially.
|
| And some of those people have become real friends, like go and
| have dinner together friends. We have very different lives but
| we get on because we get on. I think everyone benefits from
| reaching out of their bubble a bit.
|
| If I'm feeling a bit glum I'll go out to buy bread or something
| because I know just seeing the people I see regularly will lift
| me up.
| firefoxd wrote:
| I'm happy to see that in a sea of commenters who'd hate for
| anyone to strike a conversation with them, there are people who
| still enjoy connecting with others.
|
| We are in a public forum afterall and we are all strangers here.
| I'm always happy when random person sends me an email.
| himata4113 wrote:
| I feel that there is a down-spiral to this. People who talk to me
| usually want something from me so I started avoiding people since
| I have the expectation that they want something form me which
| means that I also think I look like a weirdo whenever I try to
| talk to somebody so I stop talking to people.
| thrownawaysz wrote:
| or how to get labeled as a creep by every women
|
| joke or not (actually not) but read some women spaces and it's
| obviously a lot of people, especially women, just want to be let
| alone. Don't start talking with random people unless they start
| talking to you and it's consensual, simple as that.
| medi8r wrote:
| Common sense applies. If someone is on a run, dont bother them.
| If you are in a queue I think make a comment is OK if theh
| respond keep talking.
| hresvelgr wrote:
| It's only creepy if you are a creep.
| jaapz wrote:
| > Don't start talking with random people unless they start
| talking to you
|
| Nobody would talk with anybody if both sides thought like that
| tbossanova wrote:
| Yeah but if everyone follows that then nobody ever talks to
| anyone "random" ever. The key is to just not be creepy. Some
| little low stakes thing that can just end easily if they don't
| want to chat. "Such a long wait for this bus. Should have
| brought a book." If you get a brief response, fine, end of
| conversation. Otherwise, then you can chat.
| latexr wrote:
| > or how to get labeled as a creep by every women
|
| If you're a man and go into it with the mindset of only talking
| to women, especially attractive ones, then of course that would
| get you labeled as a creep because it is creep behaviour.
| That's not striking up a conversation with strangers, it's
| hitting on women. You have to approach _anyone equally_.
| Address the attractive woman the same way you approach the old
| man on the bus stop.
| Hamster7330 wrote:
| I was at a conference recently and I went to a meetup session
| that the organizers put through and I was so anxious that I took
| a lapel pin and left immediately :( I knew about my social
| anxiety but never saw it first hand as such. I am so bad in
| networking with people.
| plasticeagle wrote:
| I agree with this article completely.
|
| I've had three long and very memorable conversations on
| internaltional plane flights in the past, with three extremely
| interesting and intelligent people. I don't tend to take those
| flights anymore, they were for work and the novelty of
| international travel for work wore off. Now I get out of it
| whenever I can.
|
| But those three conversations have stayed with me.
| h4kunamata wrote:
| In a world full of shallow people and AI here and there, people
| cannot hold deep talks anymore. You can still talk with anyone
| but going out specifically to talk with anyone??? Yeah, that
| ain't happening.
|
| It gives me anxiety lmao you will have better time with hobbies.
| ratsimihah wrote:
| That's what I loved about NYC, people were generally open-minded
| and easy to talk to, so I'd chat with tons of people
| spontaneously. Having moved back to France now, it generally
| feels harder and weirder, but I got used to it.
| emmelaich wrote:
| I've done some Uber driving. Chatting in a car is great because
| there's no awkwardness of whether to look at one another. I've
| met some really interesting people, from all backgrounds. I can
| recommend it if you have time to spare and want to chat with
| people.
|
| Not everyone wants to talk but you can pick up on that pretty
| quickly.
| throwaway2046 wrote:
| https://archive.ph/VrnI7
| sghiassy wrote:
| Did anyone notice how the last paragraph links to a paid course
| on talking to strangers... paid advertising??
| consp wrote:
| Why does the majority of people just assume people want to
| communicate... I have not read the article and never am going to.
| This headline premise alone of doing that will destroy any sanity
| I have. I do not, ever, want to talk you as a standard and you
| should never force that to me.
| rambambram wrote:
| You basically just 'forced' me to read your comment. Aren't you
| talking to a stranger here?
| latexr wrote:
| > Why does the majority of people just assume people want to
| communicate
|
| The question is rather why would you assume that is the case?
| If it were, the majority of people wouldn't have an issue
| striking up a conversation with strangers, but they clearly do.
|
| > I have not read the article and never am going to.
|
| Then perhaps refrain from criticising it?
|
| > I do not, ever, want to talk you as a standard and you should
| never force that to me.
|
| The article isn't suggesting anyone force anything. Quite the
| contrary, it advocates for respecting boundaries and even
| suggests how to communicate your own.
| yadaeno wrote:
| I usually dislike when people talk to me in public. Some people
| have nothing to say but they trap you in a conversation anyways.
| Some people are genuinely interesting and energizing to talk to.
| Either way, every conversation i've had in public has stuck with
| me and I can remember these conversations 6+ years later.
| gib444 wrote:
| I fail at the first hurdle. A small innocuous comment is often
| met with a "huh?" as if I had said it in Japanese or mentioned
| how nice the wallpaper tastes. It's like they clock the
| (relatively mild) autism immediately. Then I just feel super self
| conscious and lock up
| yokoprime wrote:
| I speak to everyone when in "work mode". Its part of the job. I
| smalltalk, im curious, i listen. When off work I dont really want
| to talk to people at all (outside "my" people, i.e. my family and
| small group of friends). If someone strikes up a conversation I
| will of course engage, but I reach a threshold where I run out of
| gas and have to excuse myself.
| vibe_that_works wrote:
| I read in a couple of comments that you are worried about
| "bothering people". To be honest, don't worry about it, you can
| attribute sufficient life skills to others to simply tell you
| (verbally or non-verbally) in case they feel bothered.
___________________________________________________________________
(page generated 2026-03-01 23:00 UTC)