[HN Gopher] Good conversations have lots of doorknobs (2022)
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Good conversations have lots of doorknobs (2022)
Author : bertwagner
Score : 37 points
Date : 2025-12-08 11:37 UTC (4 days ago)
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(TXT) w3m dump (www.experimental-history.com)
| perfmode wrote:
| I wish it were easier to just say to someone. Hey I don't want to
| hurt your feelings, but I'm feeling to end this conversation now.
| Is it OK that we bring it to an end?
| daveguy wrote:
| Just say "Hey, I gotta run. It was nice talking to you." Or
| something to that effect. Most people aren't going to get upset
| if you need to wrap up a conversation. And if they do get upset
| (assuming they aren't having an emergency), it's a red flag.
|
| Alternatives: "can we talk later, I'm really busy with ___."
|
| Or in a work setting, "I'm in the middle of something, do you
| mind sending an email?"
|
| Social settings, excuse yourself to the bathroom, they'll move
| on.
|
| If you don't like the conversation, "do you mind if we talk
| about something else?".
|
| There are tons of ways to wrap up or avoid conversation. The
| more honest you are the better. And take note of how others
| gracefully end conversations with you and use those phrases
| too.
| neogodless wrote:
| I often feel like a "giver" in conversations, asking all the
| questions but never being given opportunities to share my own
| stories or viewpoint...
|
| I seek and value friends that DO ask about me, and then try to
| remind myself to not take it for granted, and return the favor to
| them!
|
| This gives some additional lens, though, to be flexible with
| "takers" and give them credit for putting themselves out there.
| skobes wrote:
| Once I realized that some people expect and are happy for you
| to jump in with unprompted thoughts or stories, it became
| easier for me to be intentional about doing so.
|
| I think I'm a lot better now than when I was younger at
| adapting to a wide range of conversational styles, mostly just
| from paying more attention to that dynamic.
|
| Do you feel like your conversational toolbox has evolved over
| time? :)
| neogodless wrote:
| Ha, yes a bit! _Not interrupting_ or talking over someone was
| drilled into me in childhood, but exposure to different
| family dynamics helped me learn that it 's not a universal
| value, and that I can adapt and adjust my communication
| styles for different groups and situations.
|
| That's still a bit of a struggle to push myself to "speak out
| of turn" and ensure my voice is included in a discussion.
| why_at wrote:
| >("What's up?" is one of the most dreadful texts to get; it's
| short for "Hello, I'd like you to entertain me now.") And asking
| your partner question after question and resenting them when they
| don't return the favor isn't generosity; it's social entrapment
|
| I'm not a great texter but this resonated with me and I'd never
| really thought about it. It's annoying when I don't feel like
| texting and I just get bombarded with questions demanding a
| response. On the other hand I can sympathize if they want to chat
| and I just don't.
|
| I feel like I've been on both sides of all the examples in this
| piece depending on what kind of mood I'm in
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(page generated 2025-12-12 23:00 UTC)