[HN Gopher] I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking ...
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I asked four former friends why we stopped speaking (2023)
Author : mooreds
Score : 132 points
Date : 2025-08-04 17:18 UTC (5 hours ago)
(HTM) web link (www.vogue.com)
(TXT) w3m dump (www.vogue.com)
| glxxyz wrote:
| https://archive.is/eiZHj
| rendall wrote:
| > _" But eventually, we broke away--you, to join the funny kids,
| a group of hilarious and friendly people who could match your
| unparalleled wit and high-octane energy..._
|
| That is not how people actually talk in real life.
|
| > _...and me, to join the kids at the back of the bus, literally
| and figuratively._
|
| People really do not make other people the main character like
| this. _" My crew were shy introverts who were hilarious once we
| got going"_ is how people describe themselves: more description,
| adjectives and familiarity. _" You were doing your own thing with
| the party crowd"_ is how people describe others: vague and sparse
| in descriptive detail.
|
| This passage inverts that.
| windowshopping wrote:
| That jumped out at me too.
| neilv wrote:
| Some people do talk like that. For example, the well-read
| humanities major analogue of "10x techbro" can effortlessly
| whip out a more sophisticated analysis or assessment, with
| better prose.
|
| And some of those will say things like that with one or more
| levels on top. Such as if they know the person they're talking
| with will get the reference or archetype, or the allusion
| they're making, and they're really saying something more. Like
| (just one example) it means: "I like you, and there's some
| literal truth to what I'm saying, but you get the real thing
| I'm saying, because we get each other, like not everybody can,
| and also you should remember to have a sense of humor, and I
| think you needed me to say it this way".
|
| (But I'm highly skeptical of people on social media, claiming
| "my young child just said: [something sounding like a speech
| crafted by the poster]".)
| zahlman wrote:
| > the well-read humanities major analogue of "10x techbro"
| can effortlessly whip out a more sophisticated analysis or
| assessment, with better prose.
|
| Such a person certainly can do so, but also _really ought to
| know better_.
| devilbunny wrote:
| This piece is in _Vogue_. Could have been in _Elle_.
|
| Ever wonder about why articles in _Sports Illustrated_ go off
| on politics? Same reason.
|
| These writers, by and large, went to Ivy League schools.
| Their classmates were hired at the New York Times (serious)
| or Saturday Night Live (funny). They want to point out hey,
| _I_ have a great vocabulary and know art and such, too. Even
| if I just nominally write about clothes or baseball.
| cma wrote:
| Clothes and baseball is a better occupation than making up
| rape stories to fuel a genocide at the NYT.
| devilbunny wrote:
| My wife hates the intrusion aspect as much as sports fans
| do. She reads fashion magazines to relax, not to get some
| political screed.
| aflag wrote:
| Maybe it's a cultural thing as well. Boasting about yourself is
| really not something you do in many cultures. I don't really
| see a problem with that passage. They were just trying to
| praise whoever they were talking to while being quiet about
| themselves.
| rendall wrote:
| It could be cultural. I'm overthinking it. I did like the
| piece overall.
| aflag wrote:
| Thinking about it a little more, those high-octane funny
| kids sound insufferable. This may actually just be Celine's
| way of telling the author she finds her annoying.
| pimlottc wrote:
| It was over Facebook. Some people do /write/ that way.
| readthenotes1 wrote:
| Amazingly, even though this is perfect fodder for a self-absorbed
| attention-seeking post, it's actually quite good, focusing on the
| different perspectives people in a relationship have as contact
| fades
| avereveard wrote:
| Life Transitions 4
|
| Lack of mutual effort 4
|
| Diverging values 3
|
| Miscommunication 2.5
|
| Geographic distance 2.5
|
| Emotional disengagement 2
|
| (Since article is lacking a conclusion - or the conclusion is a
| weird direction, "should I talk to my ex" - I guess I'm not the
| target demo)
| hinkley wrote:
| Diverging values I think is why it's not a bad thing that
| marriage is being postponed closer to 30 now. Promising to be
| with someone forever when you don't even know who you or they
| are yet is wishful thinking at best and lying at worst.
|
| If we ever find a way to delay puberty without delaying
| formation of the prefrontal cortex, I think humanity will be in
| for a better time. You'll get a few more years of being able to
| have kids after you know who you are.
| Telemakhos wrote:
| Do people who get married and have children diverge in values
| at the same rate as unmarried people who live together? Or do
| they tend to converge rather and align their attitudes to the
| common interests of the family?
|
| "Who you are" is not a stable thing, nor is it a mystery
| suddenly revealed at a certain advanced age: it is something
| you continuously construct and reconstruct all your life. I
| suspect that marriage and family play a massive role in that
| ongoing psychological construction rather than being
| independent states that might be invalidated by some sudden
| discovery of "who you are."
| hinkley wrote:
| If the issue is immaturity I suspect they can diverge
| faster. Some people grown up when they have kids. Others
| don't, and that becomes a frequent source of argument.
|
| Others collapse their lives entirely, which can be shocking
| for the person who saw something in you that you've now
| abandoned.
| 9rx wrote:
| _> Promising to be with someone forever_
|
| It was historically more of a family obligation than a
| promise.
|
| We have made it more about individual choice in the
| intervening years, so you might see that as a promise, but
| these days it still isn't so much a promise to stay together,
| rather a promise with regards to how to deal with division
| down the road (e.g. promising to split the assets 50/50). Not
| staying together is the assumption.
| devilbunny wrote:
| The other way is that you make a commitment early and that
| you mold your personalities together as you grow older.
| Delaying marriage to "find yourself" is not always a good
| thing; I forget the exact term used in a very thoughtful
| essay on this, but it's something like "my grandmother's
| bookshelf". By the time you're in your mid-thirties,
| grandma's bookshelf that you inherited is so important that
| anyone who doesn't love it must not love you. In reality,
| grandma's bookshelf is important - but so is building a life
| with another person, and you can't let it keep you from that.
|
| It's not perfect, but nothing is. Life happens whether or not
| you're paying attention.
| lotsofpulp wrote:
| There is a saying from my parents' country that translates
| to:
|
| Young tree branches are more flexible and able to bend than
| old branches, which tend to be stiffer and more prone to
| breaking.
| toomuchtodo wrote:
| ~43% of first marriages fail, ~60% of second marriages, ~73%
| third marriages. Roughly half of all children will see their
| parents' marriage end or them separate (per the CDC).
| Frankly, I think people should date, love, coparent, etc, but
| not get married.
| Loughla wrote:
| (outside of cases of abuse) The venn diagram of people in
| my life who have gotten divorced and the people in my life
| who struggle to communicate their wants and needs is almost
| a circle.
|
| You have to be open, honest, and willing to listen to the
| other person while laying your own ego aside. This is
| something that many people really struggle with. It becomes
| a power game and trying to prove who's right instead of
| trying to genuinely solve problems with each other.
|
| I don't get it.
|
| Source: married at 21 and decades later, we're very, very,
| very different people than we were, but still very happy
| together.
| toomuchtodo wrote:
| I have been married almost 20 years, and have seen the
| same. There's a whole lot of emotionally unhealthy people
| out there, which is understandable, but then they don't
| or can't get help to get healthy, which leads to
| relationship failure. Growing together requires
| collaboration and humility, which appears to be rare in
| the aggregate. Also, be lucky (which is unfortunately not
| actionable).
| hinkley wrote:
| You can tell by looking at those numbers how much of "XX%
| of all marriages fail" is a consequence of how many people
| who get divorced 1x end up getting divorced 3 or more
| times.
|
| There's a certain kind of Hollywood story where the person
| goes to the ends of the world to 'discover themselves' and
| comes back with a whole new life. Such as Eat, Pray, Love.
| I loathe this story arc with the fire of a thousand suns
| because if serial divorces teach us anything it's that
| wherever you go, there you are.
|
| If you're not going into a second marriage with a narrative
| of, "I think I know what I fucked up last time and I won't
| do that again," then you're going to end up blaming your
| new spouse for all of your bullshit that you tried to blame
| on the first one.
| mcphage wrote:
| > You'll get a few more years of being able to have kids
| after you know who you are.
|
| I think the problem with that is: having kids both induces a
| lot more learning about who you are--as well as changes who
| you are.
| rado wrote:
| In Summary - What Was Learned * Friendship loss in adulthood is
| common and often tied to life transitions. * Direct communication
| with an ex-friend can be enlightening, even if the relationship
| doesn't restart. * Personal growth often comes from understanding
| your role in the ending--not assigning blame or regret, but
| acknowledging patterns. * Reconnection does not guarantee
| reunion, and in many cases, the value lies in what you learn
| about yourself, not whether the relationship is revived.
| rambojohnson wrote:
| was expecting to find boring navel-gazing solipsism, was not
| disappointed. one can easily see why the group drifted apart.
| andreaja wrote:
| For a lot of articles like these, looking at the answers to see
| if they're interesting is futile. The real insight is in the
| questions. In this case, you can reflect on your own
| friendships, and how the other side of them might see them
| differently.
| mmmlinux wrote:
| a. people change b. you moved to Kenya.
| silisili wrote:
| > Matt said a lot of wonderful things about me and our friendship
| during our conversation, but one thing meant the most. "In my mid
| 20s, I was really selfish," he said. "But I'm currently at a
| point where I don't really care about things for myself. Now that
| I'm almost 30, my loved ones and my friendship are all that
| really matter."
|
| Not to discount anyone else's story, but Matt's is probably the
| most prevalent. It's a shame we spend 18ish years making friends,
| then in our 20's more or less have to make a mad dash to
| establish a place to live, a career, a partner, etc. Everyone
| loses touch "temporarily" in what goes by like a blur, and by
| your 30's you still remember everyone, but it feels weird to
| reach out because of how long it's been.
| munificent wrote:
| In the US, I think we should consider that many people go
| through four socially traumatic transitions:
|
| 1. Moving away to college.
|
| 2. Moving for work.
|
| 3. Getting married.
|
| 4. Having kids.
|
| Each of those tends to sever many friendships in ways that are
| more painful than a lot of us realize or acknowledge. We might
| even consider what it says about us as a people that we seem to
| value all of the points on that list more than we value being a
| member of a community with deep social ties.
|
| When I graduated high school in Louisiana, I couldn't wait to
| get the fuck out of my small suburb. Then I dropped out of
| college and couldn't wait to get out of Louisiana entirely. I
| looked down on everyone who stayed in my home town and got a
| job at Shell or Entergy.
|
| I still believe I did the right thing by leaving--the community
| there goes against many of my most deeply held values. But as
| I've gotten older, I realize more what the people valued and
| kept by staying there: a consistent set of close ties and
| community maintained throughout their entire lives.
| selimthegrim wrote:
| Are you from New Orleans or Lafayette? Edit: holy shit I had
| no idea you're from Louisiana.
| munificent wrote:
| Lived 10 years in St. Charles Parish, then another 4 in
| Baton Route.
| selimthegrim wrote:
| If you ever come to New Orleans, I'm sure the Tuesday
| night tech meetups would love to have you
| reactordev wrote:
| 5) Divorce
|
| 6) Rebuilding post divorce.
|
| 7) Lack of opportunities due to age.
| munificent wrote:
| I haven't reached those ones yet. :)
|
| The upcoming one I really worry about is retirement. The
| statistics are grim if you look at retired men in terms of
| number of close friends, mental health, and suicide.
|
| The whole "live in a high cost of living area with good
| jobs and then move somewhere cheaper when you retire"
| pipeline makes a lot of sense economically. But I worry
| that is disastrous when it comes to community and
| connection right at the time when people need it most.
| reactordev wrote:
| Oh it is however, most of your neighbors will be in that
| very same boat so to speak so really it's up to you to
| get outside.
|
| Also retirement plans go out the window if you hit
| milestone 5. By the end of milestone 6 (if you make it)
| will be just a cabin in the woods with a dog, because
| that's all you can afford.
| brookst wrote:
| 5.5) Layoffs
|
| 6.5) Layoffs
| Yizahi wrote:
| 8) War
| reactordev wrote:
| But that can happen in any chapter. As horrible as it is
| - it's probably the appendix or preamble. "Everything
| you're about to read is due to X" warning label or
| something. Both as a solider in it, and as a civilian
| facing it. It's awful. Maybe an asterisk on the end like
| they did for Roger Maris in '61 for beating Babe Ruth's
| homer record in a single season.
| edm0nd wrote:
| Hello fellow Louisiana folk.
|
| Those plant workers make bank though. Esp the ones in Laffy,
| Lake Chuck, BR, or NOLA.
| tharkun__ wrote:
| I still believe I did the right thing by leaving--the
| community there goes against many of my most deeply held
| values. But as I've gotten older
|
| That is probably also relatively prevalent in HN circles I
| would presume. Especially if one was "the odd one out.
| "Community" is not everything. A lot of "small town" stuff
| and "values" aren't really only positive. Everyone knows
| everyone and everything about everyone? Great, right? No it's
| not. I prefer my relative anonymity in the overall scheme.
|
| Nothing to look down upon. But some people just don't prefer
| that sort of "the community dictates your life" environment,
| while others may thrive in it.
|
| Like, think, Sheldon Cooper if he had stayed in Texas. That
| weirdo atheist in a small Texas town? Not fun.
| munificent wrote:
| _> That weirdo atheist in a small Texas town?_
|
| Yes, that was also me before I became a weirdo in Lousiana.
| I lived in a bunch of places in the South.
|
| The religiosity I could deal with, but the racism,
| homophobia, and authoritarianism less so.
| jasode wrote:
| _> It's a shame we spend 18ish years making friends, then in
| our 20's ..._
|
| I think the thing we don't like to say out loud is that the
| "friends" we made as children and up through high school were
| really friends created by _geographic proximity_ which is a
| shallow foundation -- rather than -- deep shared interests
| related to our passions.
|
| So, yes, I remember the friends I went to the U2 concert with
| when I was 16. What was the _true_ basis of that friendship?
| Why did we all drift apart? It was inevitable because our
| shared interests were based on shallow things like being in the
| same high school, liking U2, and all of us making fun of the
| same teacher wearing funny clothes.
|
| The later adult friendships that are based on founders starting
| a business, athletes on pro sport teams, co-workers on intense
| projects, etc. Those are the types of friendships formed on
| deeper passions that can survive future marriages, children,
| divorces.
|
| Of the friends I know, _none of us_ are interested in
| reconnecting with our high school friends. The later adult
| friendships based on professions or hobbies are more "natural"
| to maintain.
| SoftTalker wrote:
| Even as adults, the overwhelming factor in who your friends
| are is just proximity. Who do you see every day?
| jasode wrote:
| _> is just proximity._
|
| What I didn't emphasize enough is that the high school teen
| years is really _just_ proximity.
|
| But adult employment adds more than proximity because you
| _choose what kind of place to work at_. (E.g. you studied 4
| years for Computer Science so you end up at work alongside
| other programmers.) Many times, people undo the proximity
| effect by literally _relocating across the country_ to find
| a job that fits their criteria.
|
| Kids don't really choose their high school (setting aside
| isolated situations like magnet schools.) The randomization
| of interests caused by clustering kids into high-school
| district maps basically guarantees shallow childhood
| friendships that won't last into late adulthood.
| vjk800 wrote:
| Well, the same geographic proximity also shapes us so much
| when we are kids that it makes sense that it's a determining
| factor in friendship. It's not shallow at all since geography
| determines almost everything in our lives when we are young.
| And it used to determine much more in our lives in as adults
| before we had internet or even mass media.
|
| I have older relatives who have lived in the same village all
| their lives. What they talk about with their friends is
| _local_ stuff. Who opened that new restaurant in the village?
| Who is he related to? What kind of food do they have? What 's
| going on with [some local guy they all know] lately?
|
| I don't get how anyone can think that stuff is shallow. If
| something is shallow, it's talking work projects or office
| politics, etc. with friends you know from work. In a few
| years time, the work project has ended, one of you doesn't
| work there anymore, even the company might not exist anymore.
| I guess it's about what you value in life, but I find all of
| that work stuff so incredibly ephemeral and inconsequential
| that it's just boring to talk about it, let alone let it
| define your friendships.
| watwut wrote:
| Friendship to passion for sport will cease to exist once you
| are injured. Hobby based friendships will stop the moment you
| can't participate that much.
|
| All friendships start due to proximity of some kind. But
| without additional effort, they all end up just temporary
| cardiffspaceman wrote:
| I had some friends from 1st-6th grade, then when I went to
| middle school, I started from scratch. The reason was I moved
| out of parochial Catholic school to public school. The group
| off friends I made starting in middle school was a little
| more durable when I went to college. I still have two friends
| from college, plus some acquaintances. And now I'm a bit
| older, so death is a problem for my friendships. My father
| passed away 10 years ago, and one of his friends had no
| friends left after losing my father. So I thought, I hope I
| am not more selective than necessary.
| vjk800 wrote:
| > then in our 20's more or less have to make a mad dash to
| establish a place to live, a career, a partner, etc.
|
| What is weird, from the historical perspective, is that we need
| to do all those.
|
| I come from a rural village and almost all of my older
| relatives just continued living near where they were born (some
| even in their childhood homes) and having the same job their
| parents had (which was some kind of farming for most of them).
| They basically had their life figured out at the age of 20,
| after which they started having kids. Also, most of their
| friends and acquaintances are people they knew already when
| they were children.
|
| If you think about it, it's not really surprising that friends
| get left behind when you move, change jobs, and basically
| everything in your life changes. If an old friend of mine used
| to know me at the age of 20, he doesn't know me anymore at the
| age of 37 since everything in my life has changed. We might not
| even like each other anymore.
| mikepurvis wrote:
| I think it's partly also that a lot of people's 20s go at
| different speeds. Like, I was married at 24 and had a first kid
| at 25, so that put me on kind of a different track from people
| I knew in university and high school who started their families
| 3, 5, even 10 years later than that.
|
| Yes, I'm now 39 and have indeed reconnected with some of those
| people, especially as they've started to "catch up" and we have
| contemporary experiences in common again, but basically it's
| really hard as a parent of young children to keep up with the
| social expectations of unattached or childless people; you just
| can't drop everything for that last minute beach day or road
| trip, and if you do make the extra lift so that it can happen,
| you can still end up feeling like you're holding back potential
| further spontaneity, if it's with a group where no one else
| really "gets it".
|
| The instinct is to gravitate toward socializing with other
| people/families who are in a similar life stage.
| windowshopping wrote:
| Advice from someone in their 30s who has successfully kept the
| majority of their closest friends from high school and college
| (around 10 people) but also lost several key people over the
| years:
|
| - Keep a semi-regular communication channel. For me this is easy,
| it isn't a chore for me to just text people. I know some people
| find this harder. If I see something I think they would find
| funny, I send them a link. If I start wondering about something I
| know they're knowledgeable about, I send them a question. If we
| have a shared hobby, I talk to them about it. Texting someone
| even just every other month can be the difference between keeping
| a friendship alive and letting it rust.
|
| - Make sure to care about them and where they're at. Keep track
| and a week later ask "how did that interview go?" (for example.)
| Ask about their lives and sympathize with it, and make an effort
| to remember. Don't just tell them about you. One really easy way
| to make a difference is to keep track of people's birthdays, by
| the way. Just write it down in a text file somewhere if you have
| to. I know the birthday of everyone in my life - it actually
| takes borderline zero effort to write it down once and check that
| file once a month - and I think that makes a difference.
|
| - Meet people where they're comfortable. Some of my friends are
| happy to jump in discord and just chat. Some would rather phone
| call every couple months. Some do neither but will respond to
| texts daily. Don't think like "this method works for my other
| friends, why are you being difficult?" Figure out what fits them.
| (And there _are_ some people out there who won 't want to do
| _any_ of these things, and those people can be harder to keep up
| with. And that 's just how it goes. But in my experience those
| people are very rare. I only know one, personally.)
|
| - Getting along with their chosen significant other is paramount.
| I've lost two formerly-very-close friends to spouses who I'm not
| compatible with. You don't have to be good friends with them, but
| you do have to avoid insulting them or going against their values
| when you're around them. Eventually you may sometimes have to
| answer a question for yourself: do I value my friendship with
| this person enough to accept being around this person I really
| don't like? And sometimes the answer is no, and again...that's
| life.
|
| - Over time part of why relationships fall apart is that you're
| not sharing experiences together anymore. You don't live together
| in college anymore, for example, so you no longer have that
| shared experience to bond over. You live a thousand miles apart
| and don't know any of the same people, so you only care because
| it's happening to them, not because you're experiencing it too.
| It can make a huge difference to plan trips together when
| possible. "Let's go hiking together." "Let's go to Disney
| together." "Come stay with me for a few days, I'd love to just
| have a guest. You can work in my spare room and we can hang out
| at night and make dinners." WHATEVER. ANYTHING. You don't have to
| go to Disney, you can just go grocery shopping together. That's
| still a shared moment. Maybe the cash register will be rude and
| you'll both be taken aback. That's a new shared memory.
|
| And having shared memories is the biggest key.
| bsimpson wrote:
| As a fellow thirtysomething with plenty to say on this topic, I
| found your comment more interesting and more resonant than the
| article.
| valzam wrote:
| I very much agree with all of this but do you find your friends
| reciprocate? Also mid 30s, I keep in touch with a few friends
| but arguably only 1 or 2 consistently reach out on their own.
| skystarman wrote:
| For me, It does bother me that some of my friendships I make
| most, or nearly all of the initiative, but I get so much from
| the friendship when we do talk / meet up, it's worth it for
| me to swallow my pride and ignore it. In 99% of cases they
| aren't deliberately ignoring you, they just got busy, etc.
|
| The friends that make 0 effort however I cut out. You gotta
| give me something to work with...
| windowshopping wrote:
| There were periods of time - sometimes years - where they
| didn't. And there were moments I thought I wouldn't be able
| to keep it going. But they were people I valued enough and
| had so much shared history with that I just kept trying, and
| over the years they came to value it more and reciprocated
| much more. Sometimes people just go through phases in their
| lives and they don't have the mental space for it. I'm lucky
| to have always had a lot of mental space and very little
| stress, which is why it's easier for me personally.
|
| There were cases where the lack of reciprocation was their
| way of telling me they were done with the friendship, and so
| it ended. That happens. Happened to me about 5 times.
|
| But there were a lot of others who were just bad at it or
| distracted and just needed time and needed me to be patient
| and not hold it against them, and who came back strongly
| later on.
|
| There was one who I could tell would never change, who just
| didn't care and didn't know how to be a good friend, and in
| their case I slowly stopped reciprocating myself and replied
| less and less until eventually it was just dead by natural
| causes, me having accepted the loss of the person I wished
| they were.
|
| And lastly there was one who was going through such a bad
| time that they kept pushing everyone away during that period,
| and in the end they overdosed and died. I wish I had done
| more, even though I tried actively - I could have tried even
| harder.
|
| I think it just takes life experience to tell the different
| cases apart without the benefit of hindsight. Life experience
| and charitable assumptions.
| OkayPhysicist wrote:
| IMO, this doesn't matter much. Ultimately, the only question
| that matters is "Do I get enough enjoyment/fulfillment
| spending time with this person to eclipse the work of
| organizing?" One of my best friends is a horrendous
| organizer. But when I invite him to things, I never have to
| ask twice. It's either an immediate "absolutely" or a "that
| day doesn't work for me, how about this day". And then it's a
| commitment. No flaking, no repeated rescheduling.
| specproc wrote:
| I'm in my forties and I'm still lucky enough to have friends
| from school.
|
| My tips:
|
| - Hobby group chat, group chats generally.
|
| - Linked to the above, a lot of these friendships work because
| of the network effect. We're looser than we were, but we're
| still a crew. It's self-reinforcing, we can always (lovingly)
| gossip about each other! Do your best to keep the collective
| running smooth.
|
| - Show up to stuff. I got on a plane for a friend's 40th the
| other week. So worth it.
|
| - I don't do this enough, but I've gone through spells of
| having people's names in my calendar for calls. Had a friend
| contact me out of the blue recently, he was doing the same. My
| Mum used to do this and she was phenomenal socially.
| oniony wrote:
| >Though I'm Kenyan by ethnicity, I grew up abroad, in the US and
| UK, and I've found that my foreign accent and perspective other
| me, even within my family.
|
| I had to read this sentence four times before I even considered
| that 'other' could be a verb!
| SoftTalker wrote:
| It's not, at least not in any dictionary I've consulted. Though
| in context it works, I guess.
| jama211 wrote:
| It's slang, but I've heard it.
| Adrock wrote:
| https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/other
|
| Added in November 2017 according to https://www.merriam-
| webster.com/wordplay/other-as-a-verb
| netsharc wrote:
| I've started hearing "x" be used as a verb as well... As in
| "We need to 4x our output!".
|
| I hate it as much as I hate MBA wankers using "ping" as if
| they're ICMP compliant...
| terribleperson wrote:
| Perhaps you should try consulting Merriam-Webster then.
| jeffhwang wrote:
| I appreciate the vulnerability of the OP in researching and
| writing that article. It can be pretty hard to reconnect with
| friends you've lost touch with or actually broken up with. And to
| do this publicly!
| ferguess_k wrote:
| On my side, once we formed families we sort of lost contact
| gradually. We still gather around once or twice a year for
| Christmas and another holidays, but other than that we keep to
| ourselves. My wife doesn't really like staying with my friends so
| she always asked me to go alone, but I mean, it's usually family
| gathering, and going alone is really weird.
|
| We do get a couple of new ones though, from my wife's side. They
| are very good people and very fun to stay with. I have to admit
| that I enjoy staying with my wife's friends more than she does
| with mine, but that's fine with me. Maybe I'll get a few days off
| and coffee chat with my side of the friends.
| programmertote wrote:
| It's okay to lose touch with former friends (that is, to not feel
| guilty). This is part of life and I'm always convinced that my
| friends, whom I lost contact with, will understand as well.
|
| Plus, although we were friends at one point due to common
| interests, shared environment, etc., we grow up and apart. If
| chances collide, we will cross paths with some of them.
|
| During my thirties, I felt a bit guilty about not keeping in
| touch with most of my friends from high school and college. As I
| reached mid-forties, I have learned to live with the above
| realization. I think I'd have a good chat with some of my old
| friends when I meet them by happenstance again.
| SoftTalker wrote:
| Friendship requires proximity. Very hard to maintain a
| friendship or any relationship with physical distance or even
| just mostly disjoint social circles. Nothing to feel guilty
| about, it's how we work.
| rimunroe wrote:
| > Friendship requires proximity.
|
| This is clearly false as plenty of long-term long-distance
| friendships exist. It does make it harder, but there's a
| difference between "harder" and "impossible".
|
| I have several multi-decade friendships where we have no
| friends in common and either never met in person or met only
| a few times.
| rendall wrote:
| Elderly people, particularly but not only men, suffer social
| isolation and loneliness. It is a social problem across the
| developed world.
|
| That's because people tend not to make new friends in middle age.
| That trend begins in the mid 20s.
|
| No matter your age, learn the trick of making, and _keeping,_ new
| friends. Of all ages, sexes, cultures, types. It is extremely
| vital to your mental and physical health.
| 9rx wrote:
| _> learn the trick of making, and keeping, new friends._
|
| The trick is having time and energy. The challenge is finding
| the time and energy in your mid-20s and beyond when things like
| your career, children, etc. come crushing down upon you, all
| while, at the same time, your body starts to lose is youthful
| vitality.
| ChrisMarshallNY wrote:
| One thing about the author, is that she's a traveler (not a
| Gypsy, but someone that has traveled a lot; even as a kid).
|
| So am I. I spent the majority of my early childhood, bouncing
| around a number of nations.
|
| It has given me the "ability" to drop even very intimate
| relationships at the drop of a hat. I've heard that this is a
| characteristic of "military brats."
|
| I will not have talked to someone for a decade, then, when I see
| them again, I assume that we can just pick up where we left, and
| they are like "Who the hell are you? No way!".
|
| I've learned to correct for this. It means that I need to make
| the effort to stay in touch, but I have also learned that some
| folks aren't interested in reciprocating, so I have learned to
| let those go.
| SoftTalker wrote:
| > Can anybody hear me? Do I matter?
|
| No, almost certainly not. This is difficult for many people to
| accept but once you do a lot of weight comes off your shoulders.
| You're no longer thinking about what you do in terms of how
| others perceive it, and not seeking approval or validation from
| them.
| axelpacheco wrote:
| There's a lot of friends to whom I don't talk much now and never
| occurred to me that they might think we're no longer friends.
|
| This article made me aware of that, not sure if I'll do something
| about it though
| 9rx wrote:
| _> never occurred to me that they might think we're no longer
| friends._
|
| Me neither and the whole idea seems inconceivable. Unless there
| was some kind of clear breakup, why would anyone think that
| periods of disconnect equals no longer being friends?
|
| _> not sure if I'll do something about it though_
|
| Is there anything to do? If someone truly believes you are no
| longer friends then you are no longer friends. No need to beat
| a dead horse.
| TrackerFF wrote:
| Some people become friends for life. At least for me, they were
| the people I became friends with during my formative years. From
| my teens and up until young adulthood. Looking back, we became
| friends due to shared interests (movies, books, music), hobbies,
| and just general chemistry.
|
| Other people, you become friends with due to some shared
| situation. School, work, place you live, the places you
| go/frequent, etc. Once that changes (you graduate, switch jobs,
| etc.), your friendship can change.
|
| And, of course, your other responsibilities will influence how
| much time you can use on people. Especially children can have a
| huge impact on that - kids just take up so much time, and
| combined with work and other things, it is really difficult to
| prioritize other things. It is not at all uncommon that once
| people get kids, they disappear for a solid 5-10 years, and will
| want to catch up again when things calm down.
|
| As young adults, most people have few responsibilities, and
| impulsivity is high. What I miss about being a young 20-something
| was how easy and willing everyone were to do stuff. Go on a hike,
| go watch a movie, go on a pub crawl? Sure, just give me 15
| minutes. Book a trip to some other country? Could do that just a
| couple of weeks ahead.
|
| These days you'll have to check your calendar 3 months in advance
| to just shoot the shit.
|
| I think the change started when me and my friends started nearing
| 30 / late 20s. That's when people were really bogged down with
| work, met their future spouse / partner, and started focusing on
| self-realization (working out, hobbies, side hustles, whatever),
| and of course - kids.
|
| Now that most of us are in our late 30s, things are a bit easier.
| Those that got kids have more spare time, as the kids have grown
| older. Seniority at work means they aren't giving it all for the
| sake of promotions. More financial freedom. Things more stable,
| and people can catch up again.
|
| With that said, some days I really do miss the days of youth.
| y-curious wrote:
| This is a common sentiment, that your friends during formative
| years are those that are lasting relationships. I remember
| hearing a theory that correlated with my learnings: friendships
| are made stronger by having intense experiences. As a kid, you
| are constantly learning and doing things for extended periods
| with friends. You have way more chances to do something new or
| reckless or whatever. Similarly, many veterans are friends for
| life with their brothers in arms because, well, they were doing
| crazy intense stuff together for years.
|
| As an adult, friendships are hard to grow for the same reason.
| Grabbing dinner with someone is not going to leave the same
| impression as, say, getting shot at. The adult friendships I
| have that are close I attribute to: 1. Friend's dad died
| shortly after we met, and we bonded throughout that time. 2. I
| went on an impromptu Vegas trip with friend 3. We went through
| grad school stress together 4. We spent a lot of time together
| at chess club. Nothing was intense, but frequently seeing this
| person solidified our relationship. Oh, he was teetering on
| divorce at one point, it could be that too.
| anon291 wrote:
| Why does self-realization mean not having friends?
| deepsun wrote:
| > during my formative years
|
| Here's your answer: your friends formed yourself, and you
| formed them. No surprise they are like you. Even if you think
| they are very different from you, that's only because the
| differences are more pronounced from up close.
| malshe wrote:
| As much as I hate Meta and its digital properties, I have to
| admit Whatsapp has been instrumental in keeping me in touch with
| my old friends. Now whenever I travel, I make it a point to let
| my friends in that city know about my trip and try to meet with
| at least some of them.
| elzbardico wrote:
| This. I could even say that whatsapp helps me a lot with my
| mental health by allowing me to talk to really distant friends
| almost every single day. It is my small village's piazza
| ericmcer wrote:
| What is this article, she answers her own question in the first
| paragraph.
|
| "Since I moved to Kenya why am I not still friends with people
| who are now 10,000 miles and 12 hours behind me."
|
| Uhhh does that required 5,000 words to figure out?
| 202508042147 wrote:
| I stopped speaking with my high-school friends in my 40s. I had
| realized at some moment that I didn't enjoy most of the
| discussions that we were having. I still met them and talked to
| them, thinking that that's still "friendship". But I was wrong
| and I shouldn't have done it! Not for so long! Since I stopped
| talking to them, I feel very relieved.
| netsharc wrote:
| The article starts with:
|
| > On a warm July evening, I dove into bed and grabbed my phone,
| giddy and anxious. As I scrolled through TikTok, attempting to
| calm my nerves, a Google Calendar notification flashed on the
| screen: "VIDEO CALL WITH SIMONE."
|
| > Before I could swipe the reminder away, Simone FaceTimed me.
|
| That makes me want to build a "Tinder" for rebooting
| relationships: select who of your friends you want to talk to,
| and after they do the same, the app will schedule a video call,
| and you'll be connected with... a mystery friend from your past!
| For people who don't like surprises, if both parties vote to
| reveal their names, you'll know who you're reconnecting with.
|
| Or if you don't get any matches, the app will connect you to a
| mental health/relationship councillor...
| shivekkhurana wrote:
| I have friends across the world. I talk with 7 of them every
| quarter.
|
| We have scheduled video calls on our calendar. And after every
| call, we put notes on the call schedule.
|
| Before the call, we get notified and we confirm if both parties
| will be available over text message.
| gwbas1c wrote:
| Years ago, I met someone at a large company and they perused a
| friendship with me. I was always friendly, and I invited them to
| larger parties because I considered them part of my extended
| group of friends.
|
| But, they really struggled at life. I moved away, and I never
| made the effort to keep in touch.
|
| A few years ago they called me to talk. We caught up, and it was
| clear they still struggled at life. A few phone calls later, they
| got "stuck" on a topic and wouldn't converse, instead arguing
| with me when there was no argument to have. I ended the call, and
| I don't really want to hear from them again. (Basically, they
| were going off on their opinions about guns and not listening
| enough to me to know when I was agreeing and when my opinion
| differed.)
|
| It became clear why they struggle at life, and it's disappointing
| that they don't have the insight into why they struggle.
| swaggyBoatswain wrote:
| Friendships come and go over the years is something I have
| learned in my life. We dont always have the same value systems
| and because of that, its natural to drift apart and not talk as
| frequently as we used to
|
| This is something I am learning as a late bloomer in life, as I
| didnt have too many friends more so business acquaintances
| growing up
|
| The hardest lessons I hace learned though is during major life
| transitions - sometimes you are off on your own, you have to
| manage that transition yourself and cannot rely on anyone in
| particular through it
|
| Friendships require work but sometimes they arent on equal terms
| either, and when things shift away that created that strong bond
| to begin with, people drift apart. Thats something that is hard
| to cope with, that sense of loss in wanting that nostaglic
| connection again
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