[HN Gopher] People who don't ask me questions drive me crazy. Wh...
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People who don't ask me questions drive me crazy. Why are they like
that?
Author : creer
Score : 30 points
Date : 2025-05-01 18:40 UTC (4 hours ago)
(HTM) web link (www.theguardian.com)
(TXT) w3m dump (www.theguardian.com)
| andrewstuart wrote:
| An interesting article though the sticky full page ads had me
| working to try to get back control of page position.
| JohnFen wrote:
| I tend to be a "non-asker", because that's how I was raised: that
| outside of certain circumstances or sorts of relationships, it's
| very rude to ask questions that aren't superficial. It's prying.
| If people want to share deeper information about themselves,
| they'll volunteer it.
|
| Not saying that it's right, but it's a strongly instilled social
| more and, at least for me, explains "why I'm like that".
| cratermoon wrote:
| I was brought up similarly in the "nunya bizness" mode. It took
| me a long time to overcome the idea I was being nosy and learn
| to ask the kinds of questions that aren't superficial and
| people _like_ to answer to talk about themselves.
| CoastalCoder wrote:
| Maybe the issue is that we these various forms of smalltalk
| are _all_ disingenuous. Or rather, they 're idioms that don't
| directly say what you _really_ mean. E.g.:
|
| "I'm looking for friends, and you seem like we might get
| along."
|
| "I find you attractive and I'd like to see if you feel the
| same way about me."
|
| "I'm lonely, and I'm looking to interact with someone for a
| bit to ease the pain."
|
| Etc.
|
| Reminds me of the lyrics from that Louis Armstrong song,
| "What a Wonderful World".
| baobun wrote:
| I share this perspective. If I am actually curious about your
| experience with X, I might start by telling you mine. That
| gives you a natural way to follow up with yours and also gives
| you my context. It also makes it less awkward for you to change
| the subject without having to explicitly deny answering a
| question (or play politician by dodgning it).
|
| Most people seem to agree this is preferred with the basics:
|
| "Hi, I'm baobun, great to meet you!" vs "Hi, what's your name?"
|
| I on the other hand don't get the expectation that conversation
| should be structured like a Q&A or interview. But sure, if I
| notice my conversation-partner is "an inrerviewer" I try to
| calibrate accordingly.
|
| Remember OP is a anglosaxan reporter and seems unaware of that
| cultural bias. Flipping the opening:
|
| > 'Over-askers' can come across as selfish - but there might be
| personal and societal reasons for their inability to share
| first
|
| It's a "me" problem exactly as much as it's a "you" problem.
| Communication is a two-way street on all levels.
|
| Leaving space is important no matter what and a 20 minute
| breathless monologue without giving openings is rude regardless
| of its ending in a question-mark.
| weinzierl wrote:
| > That said, asking questions is not inherently virtuous.
| Sometimes people are just hammering away, and I feel like they
| are trying to trip me up, or measuring me against their
| standards.
|
| And later.
|
| > "When people are under too much pressure or stress, their
| defenses go up, and this makes curiosity a challenge," she said.
| "Anxiety can easily look like egocentrism."
|
| Asking questions is a minefield. I am sure there are people who
| lack curiosity, but I am also sure there are many people that
| think: " Why go into that minefield on my own initiative when my
| conversation partner is happy to lead me through?"
| creer wrote:
| > when my conversation partner is happy to lead me through?
|
| This is really easy to misjudge though. If we care about having
| a conversation, we need to pitch in too. At the peril of it NOT
| being a conversation. Even if we are happy with the direction,
| we can try and provide hints that we are not just "this". One
| idea is to occasionally prompt for an echo about this
| direction, like "what part of all this is interesting to you?"
| or "what else does this echo for you?". The phrasing doesn't
| matter much, just an opportunity for that person to inject a
| little of themselves in there.
| weinzierl wrote:
| I fully agree. My point was more that I believe this is hard,
| or at least hard for some people.
| creer wrote:
| > hard
|
| Oh yes, no doubt about that. And one of the many, many real
| life skills that schools should concern themselves with.
| Because who else?
|
| Another opportunity though is people watching. When bored
| or noised-out I sometimes give up on getting two words in
| and instead observe how people in that circle are talking
| or rather participating. There is amazing stuff going on at
| the meta level. People trying to be good hosts, people with
| zero self-awareness, other people observing and taking
| notes, people aware they are being chased, others not at
| all... It's fun.
| mtVessel wrote:
| "Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English?
| Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread
| of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone 'Are you
| married?' and hearing 'My wife left me this morning,' or
| saying, uh, 'Do you have children?' and being told they all
| burned to death on Wednesday."
|
| -A Fish Called Wanda
| 1659447091 wrote:
| > After she'd been talking for about 20 minutes, I began to get
| an unpleasant, familiar feeling: I bet if I stop asking her
| questions, she won't ask me any.
|
| > Sure enough, she wrapped up one answer, then looked at me
| expectantly, like a dog waiting for a treat. Oh hell no, I
| thought. No way. I turned to the person next to me, a friend.
| "She's a non-asker," I said.
|
| I use to wait for other people to talk to me. I didn't feel like
| I knew how to do the social conversation thing, especially
| because of my dislike of generic small talk.
|
| At some point I made it a point to "practice" this skill, the
| same as I would practice a sport, messing up terribly at times,
| but others executing as planned. Thus, I have some grace for
| people that know how to talk when asked, but lack the thought to
| ask back. Maybe they only want to talk about themselves, maybe
| talking to new people makes them nervous or self conscious or
| whatever it was I felt most of the time. Who knows. Being the one
| asking the questions puts that person in charge of the flow and
| direction. You can steer it back or away or around.
|
| I will give it a bit and try to probe for common interest or
| something that I can talk about as well. If that can be found,
| then the ones that are simply "bad" (or more likely, un-
| practiced) at social situations will flow into a give & take
| conversation if you can find the route to a mutual topic first,
| hopefully by picking up on small details from their introduction
| story (the simplest more nature flow, without having to do a hard
| pivot to the environment context). Think of it as a choose your
| own adventure book, with you in the driver's seat. For the ones
| that just want to talk about themselves, that adventure will
| swiftly end on its own.
| creer wrote:
| An aspect of this is "why are we here?". This conversation needs
| to be useful for that. Doesn't need and shouldn't be "rudely
| useful", but still, let's try and make some progress. This is
| true even if your purpose is to pass the time pleasantly by
| chatting with your neighbor until your airplane boards. If you
| are merely humoring that person, then okay you have no interest
| and there is no point.
|
| This is something that bothers me with "safe" ways to
| conversation. So safe as to be pointless. And same for "endless
| answers" and "derailing the conversation" - which might be fun
| material perhaps in some nerdy way, but might as well kill a
| conversation.
|
| Striking a conversation is a skill, so is keeping it on track.
| pacifika wrote:
| Another way of seeing this: Weird way of blaming the victim that
| suffers from social awkwardness!
| otterley wrote:
| I'm not sure there's blame here. If you're socially awkward and
| feel uncomfortable asking questions, you can either push your
| own boundaries past your comfort zone, or you can avoid social
| situations like these.
|
| Similarly, few would blame a vegetarian for not wanting to go
| to a barbecue joint.
| allenu wrote:
| I have a couple of friends who I would call non-askers. It drives
| me crazy and makes me not enjoy spending time with them. When I
| do hang out with them, I'll ask them what's new and they'll
| gladly tell me in great detail all the life issues they're facing
| and what they've been doing lately, but they never reciprocate.
| As in the article, if I stop asking questions, the conversation
| just hits a lull and they don't think to return the favor.
|
| On the other hand, the really great askers make you feel like the
| most important person in the room. You'll answer their questions
| and they'll ask really good follow-up questions to show they're
| listening and that they care.
| btheconqueror wrote:
| And to go with that, if you ever want people to like you, just
| ask questions about themselves. People have a tendency to like
| talking about themselves.
| otterley wrote:
| It's one of the central theses of Dale Carnegie's classic, _How
| to Win Friends and Influence People_.
| precommunicator wrote:
| Asking questions is something I've actively had to learn later in
| life.
| rorylaitila wrote:
| I'm universally the asker. I can hang out with a non-asker for
| about an hour, then I run out of things to ask about. But its not
| just a problem of reciprocity. It's more generally they don't
| elaborate or carry forward the conversation in any way, so it
| feels very laborious. I notice that two friends I feel closest
| too and never tire of hanging out reciprocate very evenly in
| conversation.
| Ekaros wrote:
| Silence is always an option. If you kept your mouth shut, maybe
| people would think you are intelligent.
| alganet wrote:
| It's called "tolerating the intolerant". I will listen and
| acknowledge, but I won't engage in the intolerant play.
|
| It's a macho thing. Big wall of isolation. We're tiny silly
| little men with our toys and dumb ideas.
| 47282847 wrote:
| You could equally well turn the question around: why are they
| driving you crazy? They're just socialized differently. You
| cannot change other people, you can only change yourself.
| Meaning, if it bothers you, why not develop strategies that work
| to have meaningful interactions with both "askers" and "non-
| askers". It's on you to grow, if you want to, as much as it is on
| the other to grow, if _they_ want to.
|
| It's not them that "drive you crazy", it's _you yourself driving
| you crazy_ because you lack a strategy outside of assigning
| responsibility to the other to change. They don't do it to
| personally offend you.
|
| If somebody doesn't ask, it doesn't mean they're not interested
| in you. If somebody doesn't share without being asked, it doesn't
| mean they're not up for sharing. It's really that simple.
| tene80i wrote:
| Well, kinda. But these aren't exactly symmetrical things. One
| of them displays an interest in the other person, and the other
| doesn't. One of them provides a way for the conversation to
| continue, and the other doesn't. It's not the case that every
| form of interaction is equally fine, eg talking over someone
| constantly or not listening at all.
| creer wrote:
| > If somebody doesn't share without being asked, it doesn't
| mean they're not up for sharing.
|
| Isn't the issue a little different? That it makes it look like
| that they have no interest in you? If the "conversation" is a
| journalistic or learning stream of questions then fine. But if
| the conversation is more social (from friendship, getting to
| know a little about each other, all the way to gauging hiring
| interest), then "no interest" is a strong signal to move on.
| There are other ways to express interest than asking back, but
| "not expressing interest" is an obstacle.
|
| Agree with you that "drive you crazy" is yet another issue. For
| most this would be just a figure of speech.
| nickdothutton wrote:
| Maybe I have no interest in knowing anything deeper about you
| than what you have to contribute on the subject matter in hand.
| squigz wrote:
| > I turned to the person next to me, a friend. "She's a non-
| asker," I said. "I'm done."
|
| Maybe the problem isn't the "non-askers"
|
| I'd like to think I'm a good conversationalist, but I would hate
| to hold a conversation with someone like this.
| owenversteeg wrote:
| Interesting that there are 25 comments here and none mentioning
| narcissism.
|
| Our modern world was already in an epidemic of narcissism before
| social media and since then things have only accelerated. Like
| the author, I have also noticed that it is somewhat more common
| with men talking to women and I wonder why.
|
| I see a number of people here saying that they are non-askers or
| that being a non-asker is a good thing and I think many of them
| aren't quite understanding the author's definition of non-asker.
| To me, if we have a conversation and I ask you two things and the
| conversation devolves into a random subject, that is totally
| fine. On the other hand, if I'm having a conversation and it's a
| "questions" conversation - getting to know you, catching up about
| our kids, discussing our startups etc - and you don't ask a
| single question then that is very weird. Picture this: we're both
| parents, my Timmy and your Jones were friends before we moved
| away. For an hour I've asked questions and heard all about your
| Jones but you didn't ask a thing about my Timmy. Or: we're
| students working on our internships, catching up, I've asked all
| about your internship and how it's going and you just don't care
| about mine. Or: we're strangers flirting in a bar and I've asked
| all about you but you haven't asked a thing about me. In all
| those circumstances I am going to get the (almost always
| correct!) feeling that you don't care about me. If we're just
| talking about sports, or politics, or hiking or whatever then
| there is no need to ask personal questions, but if it's a context
| where the whole point is personal questions, and a question is
| reasonably expected, then it's pretty weird if it never comes.
| NeutralCrane wrote:
| What the author is missing is that just because someone isn't
| curious about you doesn't mean they aren't curious about
| anything.
| joshstrange wrote:
| I went to an event where I only really knew 1 other person. We
| sat at a table full of people we had never met. At least one of
| the couples talked at length anytime we asked them a question. We
| even made small comments that would have been perfect
| opportunities to follow up like "My daughter's bakery had a
| problem just like that", was there any follow up about "what
| bakery?" or even an acknowledgement of the comment? Nope, right
| back into their stories.
|
| I can tell you all about duck eggs, things to put in a food
| dehydrator, how this woman makes great gluten free treats, except
| when they don't turn out right, but that's just how baking is...
| I could go on.
|
| We left the event and the first thing we said to each other was
| "Wow, I can't believe they didn't ask us a single question".
|
| It's selfish. Period. Just like people that are always late to
| things, no, it's not a fun personality quirk, it's just rude.
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(page generated 2025-05-01 23:02 UTC)