[HN Gopher] Intentionally Making Close Friends (2021)
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Intentionally Making Close Friends (2021)
Author : fi-le
Score : 305 points
Date : 2025-04-08 06:54 UTC (4 days ago)
(HTM) web link (www.neelnanda.io)
(TXT) w3m dump (www.neelnanda.io)
| croisillon wrote:
| Related (Nov 2022 - 307 comments):
| https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33774353
| Uzmanali wrote:
| I used to wait for people to talk to me. But now I try first, and
| it works!
| mrexroad wrote:
| Hi, what are your hobbies?
| legerdemain wrote:
| Do you come here often? I haven't seen you here before! I
| LIKE YOUR SHOES!
| bombcar wrote:
| My name is Dug. I have just met you, and I love you.
|
| SQUIRREL!
| udev4096 wrote:
| That's boring. How can someone start a conversation like
| that? It leads to nowhere and the person is now way more
| disinterested in talking to you. Best way is to talk about
| books, games, TV shows, etc. It's something you can easily
| expand upon once you find a common ground
| lioeters wrote:
| > That's boring.
|
| How can you continue a conversation like that? It's
| insulting and the person is now way more disinterested in
| talking to you. Best way is to be curious about the other
| person, whatever they're into. Gradually you can find
| some shared interests and common ground for being
| friends.
| vinceguidry wrote:
| > Best way is to talk about books, games, TV shows, etc.
| It's something you can easily expand upon once you find a
| common ground
|
| I can't think of a duller conversation. I'd prefer the
| one you're complaining about. At least there are feelings
| invested, if a tad bit one-note. The last thing I want to
| learn about a person is a laundry list of media they
| watched and liked. I only enjoy talking culture with
| someone who is in the industry or otherwise has a deeper
| relationship with it than just watching / reading one
| thing after another.
|
| Just go join a discord if you want that.
| 01HNNWZ0MV43FF wrote:
| When was the last time a movie made you cry?
| vinceguidry wrote:
| That scene in Spiderman where they brought the other two
| back and they were talking about loss. Bawled like a
| baby.
|
| Not that I watch a lot of movies, but when I do, they do
| make me emotional from time to time. I'm a sucker for a
| well-told, interesting good wins over evil tale,
| especially with a female protagonist. Not like Hollywood
| can do those anymore. Indies are usually the way. They
| gotta make Superman into basically a villain. Thankfully
| they haven't fucked with Spiderman yet. But I bet some
| dipshit will in the near future.
|
| Anime is better, but you asked for movies.
| johnecheck wrote:
| Okay story time.
|
| A friend in college is sitting at a bus stop. Somebody sits
| next to him, says "hey I like your shoes", strikes up a
| conversation. Ends up inviting him to a business/networking
| seminar.
|
| My friend goes, comes back with a book and is saying all
| kinds of stuff about passive income and how you gotta take
| control of your finances.
|
| I google the book name, the second result is a reddit
| thread about how somebody at a bus stop had their shoes
| complimented and then got recruited for the same thing.
| Turns out it was Amway.
|
| So, yeah. 'I like your shoes' works well enough as a
| conversation starter that it's literally in the pyramid
| scheme manual.
| Uzmanali wrote:
| I used to think this kind of conversation mostly worked
| with girls--since they often appreciate when someone
| notices and admires the little things about them.
| Uzmanali wrote:
| That's a good one.
| orasis wrote:
| I will second using "the 36 questions that lead to love" to
| create close connections quickly.
|
| Combine this with MDMA to supercharge the intensity and speed of
| connection. This can also be done with a group of 3 to create a
| tight group that instantly has each other's backs.
| hackernewds wrote:
| It seems like a really vapid unintentional and artificial way
| to do this. why not just be high on life and try it?
| mandmandam wrote:
| > It seems like a really vapid unintentional and artificial
| way to do this.
|
| It's not like that.
|
| Roughly speaking, MDMA doesn't exactly create an artificial
| closeness, it's more like it breaks down artificial walls.
| The effects can last far longer than the high - if you're
| taking it in the right setting, with the right intention,
| etc.
|
| > why not just be high on life and try it?
|
| There's a lot to be said for living life drug-free. However,
| MDMA has genuine therapeutic potential. If a doctor
| prescribed your friend Prozac, would you say, 'Have you tried
| not being depressed?' - similar thing. (Yes, some doctors
| prescribe MDMA.)
| declan_roberts wrote:
| I doubt any variation of buzz buddies will produce any
| meaningful or enduring friendships.
| barry-cotter wrote:
| _There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are
| dreamt of in your philosophy_.
|
| There are 8.2 billion people alive on Earth ;getting drunk,
| high or otherwise taking psychoactive drugs is universal
| among human societies and you think _no one_ has _ever_ had a
| meaningful or enduring friendship result therefrom?
| justonceokay wrote:
| Or you'll just find a group of three people that like
| amphetamines
| bckr wrote:
| It takes time to develop relationships that have
|
| 1. Longevity. The longer you've been friends the more likely
| you'll be friends in the future.
|
| 2. Trust. Trust in a relationship is anti-fragile. The more
| times trust is partially damaged but restored, the stronger
| it becomes.
|
| 3. Meaning. The story "we met while looking for friends to do
| MDMA with, and now we are attached" is cute when you're 23.
| What those people mean to you is that you are lovable and
| able to form bonds out in the world. Good! But shallow.
|
| TLDR; it may be an effective way to have intense but shallow
| and short-lived connections
| orasis wrote:
| Before I tried this process I would have agreed with you,
| however, we focus on longevity when it's really _intimacy_
| that leads to deep lasting connections. It's just that with
| the decades long friendships there is more time and
| opportunity for intimacy, vulnerability, and going through
| some shit together.
|
| MDMA + the 36 questions is deep intimacy, vulnerability,
| and often going through some shit together.
|
| We're also not seeking friends to do MDMA with. On a few
| occasions, we've met interesting people that there is a
| strong initial spark of connection with and let them know
| about the practice. These friendships are now very deep and
| loving even if only a year or 3 old. They are anything but
| shallow.
|
| As for short lived, only time will tell, but even if they
| were to end tomorrow I will have deeply cherished the
| present experience of these connections. I have one 10+
| year friendship that is fading and while it breaks my heart
| from time to time, I still love this person and would do it
| all over again.
| rglynn wrote:
| Genuinely curious to hear more about (2.), has trust's
| anti-fragility been studied and/or where did this view come
| from?
| bckr wrote:
| I am speaking from experience. The first conflict is
| always a picture of where a new relationship will lead,
| and each conflict after that determines whether the
| relationship will deepen or weaken.
|
| I imagine it's the kind of thing that has been studied!
| 01HNNWZ0MV43FF wrote:
| I don't think MDMA is an amphetamine
| hollerith wrote:
| The A in MDMA stands for amphetamine.
| foobarbecue wrote:
| It is. Actually, it's a methamphetamine (MA)
|
| https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/MDMA
| phrotoma wrote:
| It's true that the A in MDMA stands for amphetamine as noted
| below, but saying that people who use MDMA like amphetamines
| is like saying that people who use table salt like chlorine.
| It's the best kind of correct, but misleading.
|
| https://thisvsthat.io/amphetamine-vs-mdma
| tempodox wrote:
| Too bad the availability of MDMA is so limited.
| LoganDark wrote:
| Not really? If you know how to use TOR you can just order it
| online. I do this with LSD all the time and it works fine.
| xrraptr wrote:
| In the US at least this seems pretty insane to me while we
| have a fentanyl epidemic.
|
| I am sure there are ways to test this but I wouldn't trust
| myself. Not to mention the illegality of it.
|
| At this point, it is simply criminal MDMA is not available
| for therapy the way ketamine is.
| __turbobrew__ wrote:
| I would never put a drug ordered off the internet into my
| body. Pure lab grade LSD which has been tested in an NMR --
| I probably would. I only have one body and I wouldn't
| entrust it to random people on the internet.
| swee69 wrote:
| I think you could estimate the risk in micromorts from
| taking LSD from darkweb and find it's not that different
| from other activities you do regularly (~multiple times a
| year, if not more)
| __turbobrew__ wrote:
| You cannot estimate the risk of taking internet LSD, that
| is the problem.
|
| There is also a history of cutting drugs with other
| substances to give them a unique effect which brings back
| return customers (i.e. cutting heroin with fentanyl).
|
| And then there is the possibility that whoever produced
| the LSD screwed up and/or the end product is not pure.
| renewiltord wrote:
| Agreed to both. Works well in both cases. I suspect there is a
| strong selection effect, though.
| orasis wrote:
| This could be. At this point in my life I doubt I'll become
| close with anyone who is incurious about psychedelics as
| there seems to be a strong dividing line in mindset between
| pre-psychedelic and post-psychedelic humans.
| globalise83 wrote:
| Sure, until... https://youtu.be/8_BFMEQOH2Q?feature=shared
| orasis wrote:
| Do it during the day, properly dosed, don't mix with alcohol,
| and get plenty of sleep that night and this is not a problem.
| The MAPS studies have shown this again and again that the
| Tuesday blues is related to partying and not intrinsic to the
| medicine.
| uoaei wrote:
| Insofar as the "intention" is to expose yourself to multiple
| varied communities where you might find commonalities, sure.
| Other approaches carry a heavy whiff of manipulative behavior and
| should be treated with the appropriate amount of skepticism.
| yunusabd wrote:
| The author literally asked if the people were willing to take
| part in an experiment and clearly stated the goal. Doesn't
| sound very manipulative to me.
| ilrwbwrkhv wrote:
| I wonder how much of it is just social upbringing I see a lot of
| people who are from Asia or outside of America make a lot more
| closer friends than Americans
| stuxnet79 wrote:
| Right on the money. After musing on this topic for a while and
| drawing from a lifetime's worth of experiences I've come to the
| conclusion that the social environment in America is very
| hostile and does not encourage developing close relationships.
| The prevalence of these articles really surprises me and makes
| me wonder if the people who write them have ever experienced
| living in a different (warmer) culture where the default mode
| of interaction isn't transactional.
| 01HNNWZ0MV43FF wrote:
| Sadly I haven't. Travel is expensive, the US is a big wide
| country, and other nations don't really want me hanging
| around unless I marry someone or drop a lot of money
| parpfish wrote:
| As an introvert that's been consciously working to make new
| friends, I've noticed a couple phenomena:
|
| - I'd love to be friends with other introverts to enjoy quiet
| times together. but... int-to-int pairs will rarely form in
| nature, however extroverts are great for mediating the
| connections. Make friends with the talkative outgoing types,
| because through them you can meet the other quiet people they've
| befriended but you'd never meet in the wild.
|
| - however, there seem to be some common pitfalls to introvert-
| extrovert friendships. From my (introvert) side, you can often
| find yourself getting insecure or jealous of all the other social
| connections that your extrovert friends have. There's an
| asymmetry there that can feed lots of insecurities. I'm sure that
| there's something equivalent from the other direction, but I dont
| know what it is
| aptj wrote:
| Ah, you b--tard stealing my hard-earned friends! ;))
|
| But seriously, is this how some _insecure_ introverts also bond
| around those charismatic sociopaths and then help 'em ruin the
| world while quietly working for the XYZ agencies? /s
| parpfish wrote:
| I think that's just insecure people in general, unless
| extroverts have an ability I don't know about that makes them
| immune to charming sociopaths
| nothrabannosir wrote:
| There's nothing equivalent from the other direction.
|
| - extrovert
|
| (/s ;))
| kaashif wrote:
| I used to feel insecure or jealous of the number of friends
| these people have, but years ago I realized that I would find
| their lives exhausting and terrible. And vice versa, they'd
| hate the amount of time I spend on my own doing stuff.
| blueflow wrote:
| The deep Schadenfreude when you see your extroverted friend
| rage about their phone ringing for the 8th time this hour.
| y-curious wrote:
| "What a fool I am," he said. "Here I am wearing myself out
| to get a bunch of sour grapes that are not worth gaping
| for."
| blueflow wrote:
| You implied: Having your phone ring several times per
| hour is something desirable.
| parpfish wrote:
| For me it's not that I want to have a ton of friends like
| they do, it's more that I worry about how we each perceive
| the relative importance of the relationship. E.g., they are
| one of five friends to me; I'm one of 50 friends to them.
| ryangittins wrote:
| > ...getting insecure or jealous of all the other social
| connections that your extrovert friends have. There's an
| asymmetry there that can feed lots of insecurities.
|
| I wouldn't sweat this too much. Mathematically, most people
| have fewer friends than their friends have.
|
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship_paradox
| fellowniusmonk wrote:
| There is a fun but rare kind of humanist that doesn't think
| they are special but are curious about others, see the value
| in randos they meet and thinks that _others_ are special and
| they really _listen_, you know?
|
| Pretty sure its just that they all have superior statistical
| intuition.
| manmal wrote:
| I don't fully understand how this is a paradox. I guess it's
| based on the fact that there are ,,super nodes" in human
| social networks, where one person has many friends, while
| most others don't? Or is there anything more to it?
| BobbyTables2 wrote:
| Found the EE!
| arduanika wrote:
| It's the more expansive definition of paradox, meaning
| something like "counterintuitive result". In expectancy, a
| randomly chosen person has an average number of friends.
| You might therefore think that a random person and their
| friends, all of whom seem randomly chosen, would have the
| same expected number of friends. But you'd be wrong,
| because the friends weren't random after all: they had at
| least one friend. Not a logical paradox, but a surprising
| fact.
| robocat wrote:
| The counter-intuitiveness is partially to averaging. Averages
| often deceive our intuitions.
| red_admiral wrote:
| Int-to-int pairs are more likely to form in nature at specific
| watering holes.
|
| For example, EA/rationalist is not quite my kind of community
| (altough I think highly of many of their writings), but an ACX
| meetup looks like a good place for introverts of a particular
| kind to come together.
|
| I guess the trick is to find the right kind of place first.
| williamcotton wrote:
| If you like reading HN then you'd probably enjoy an LW
| meetup!
| cma wrote:
| These days they are more of racialist scientism meet &
| greet
| riehwvfbk wrote:
| Who'd want to miss out on joining the next Zizians!
| flawn wrote:
| Ughh, LessWrong is a bit more of a rationalist cult than
| anything - and I say that as somebody who is in the AIS &
| EA space. It's a huge problem that fields like AI Safety
| happen on that forum, as "normies" really get scared off by
| the stuff that's on there.
| aleph_minus_one wrote:
| For those who are out of the loop:
|
| EA: Effective Altruism
| (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effective_altruism )
|
| ACX: Astral Codex Ten; see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ACX
| https://www.astralcodexten.com/
|
| LW (used at https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=43663979 ):
| Less Wrong
| jayd16 wrote:
| >I'm sure that there's something equivalent from the other
| direction, but I dont know what it is
|
| There's a risk of becoming a people pleaser or letting people
| down. People expect you to manage the party or the outing or
| whatever.
|
| There's fear that the many relationships you have are shallow.
| Even in this post your suggestion is to simply use the
| extrovert to get to a real friend you actually want.
|
| Direct insecurity of what people "actually" think of you is
| still there, I'm sure.
|
| That said, people are usually thinking about their own problems
| and what people think of them a lot more than what they think
| of you so just relax a bit.
| robrenaud wrote:
| Find some nerdy social hobby, become part of a community. Board
| games, killer queen arcade, and indoor rock climbing have all
| been a bridge to some close friendships for me.
| donatj wrote:
| I have a small handful of people I would call my friend. Most of
| them since grade school. Yet, in my life, I have had three people
| I have really truly opened up to. One of them died suddenly, I
| miss you Meka. One of them stopped talking to me for reasons I
| don't understand. One of them cheated on me repeatedly.
|
| I'm just frankly not sure I'll ever truly fully open up to
| someone again. I have been seeing a therapist for a couple of
| years now and I still go in with a pretty thick shell I have
| trouble piercing. I'm so slow to warm up to people, I just really
| doubt there will be another person in my life I'll ever be around
| enough to get to that point with. Work from home for the last
| five years has not helped that at all.
|
| Being an adult just kinda sucks.
| pjerem wrote:
| I'm sorry for what happened to you.
|
| I don't know if it can comfort you but personally I'm trying to
| accept that it's ok to be "vulnerable" with mostly everyone.
| Most of the time it creates interesting bonds with people.
| Sometimes you are being "vulnerable" to authentic jerks and so
| what ? Most of the time you can just ignore them.
|
| I find that acting like this is actually an effective automatic
| filter for my social interactions.
|
| The only place I'm more protecting myself (without being
| totally closed) is at work because, probably due to the
| environment, people aren't acting normally at work.
| KittenInABox wrote:
| One of the things I've noticed is that there is a huge
| discrepancy between people who can "bounce back" from someone
| behaving inappropriately to them when they are in a
| vulnerable position. People who are able to go "yeah fuck you
| too buddy, anyways onto the next thing" are way more able to
| handle things. People who end up dwelling on one person who
| did something bad years ago and are unable to let go of that
| pain end up closing themselves off for fear of exacerbating
| it.
| pjerem wrote:
| Yeah but like I said, I'm just trying to do that. I've been
| like the former people you described.
|
| In my case, I feel it's just the wisdom of just being
| older. I also have the luck of having a stable life, a few
| friends and nice little family. I've never been more
| emotionally stable than today so of course it's much easier
| not to care when people randomly betray me.
| QuantumGood wrote:
| Sorry about your losses, especially Meka. Showing up for
| therapy is courageous. That's not small.
| user68858788 wrote:
| It's an awful feeling to have a trusted friend distance
| themselves with no explanation. It amplifies any insecurities
| we have.
|
| I hope you find someone you can connect with. I'm rooting for
| you man.
| gonzobonzo wrote:
| > One of them stopped talking to me for reasons I don't
| understand.
|
| This is relatively common from what I've seen. People who just
| ghost a friend, or ghost an entire groups of friends. A lot of
| the times it's because they're unhappy with their life and
| trying to make a clean break from what they were connected to
| before.
| aaarrm wrote:
| It's not as hard as you think to get close to people, but you
| have to be intentional about it.
|
| First step would be to widen your "funnel" of new people in
| your life before then filtering them down. Simply need to go to
| social events, meetups, etc.
| SoftTalker wrote:
| Sort of the same. I've lost touch with or been sabotaged by the
| people I used to be close to. Now I have acquaintances, people
| I know and am fine hanging out with, but I don't have anyone
| close that I'd really trust or open up to. And I'm fine with
| that, the effort it takes and the risks of being very open with
| someone are not worth it to me. And if someone tries to open up
| to me, I'm immediately suspicious and will start to distance
| myself. At this point in my life I'm not interested in taking
| on someone else's emotional baggage.
| 01HNNWZ0MV43FF wrote:
| I believe there are lots of people I'd open up to, but it's
| complicated because I would want to sleep with them
| bhasi wrote:
| I have a childhood friend that I went to school with for all of
| my school days. Ever since school days, we find the same obscure
| things funny and always end up in splits whenever we talk. To
| this day, I don't have this with any other friend.
|
| We had a few years' gap of not really being in touch during
| undergrad but that changed as we had a few months' overlap at
| post-grad university. It was easier to meet after that and we did
| keep in touch, but I felt that he was holding back somewhat and
| not really being free with his thoughts, letting the conversation
| flag at times.
|
| So at a friend's wedding a couple of years ago, I opened up to
| him and plainly told him that it's a shame we don't talk as we
| used to as we both are clearly on the same wavelength when it
| comes to shared interests and sense of humour. And this worked -
| our degree of friendship has increased an order of magnitude
| since before that time. I would have lost a great friend to the
| vagaries of life had I not taken that step to become vulnerable
| for an instant then.
| manapause wrote:
| My first job out of college I was hired to follow around an
| MSP/IT consultant and learn what he did, specifically to cut
| the expense of having a MCSA/network engineer coming in weekly
| for basic desktop support.
|
| I met him in the server closet and asked "hey, I'm new here -
| do you mind if I look over your shoulder?" He turned around and
| smiled, "if you are here to help, then you should sit down and
| I'll walk you through setting up Exchange mailboxes for these
| doctors." Before he left, he walked me through a RAM upgrade
| and gave me his lucky red screwdriver " you got this, just call
| me if you have any issues."
|
| Later in my career, I continue to learn lessons from this
| interaction; lately the lesson has been one of "don't be
| awesome in a vacuum" - a little bit of encouragement to the new
| guy can go a long way to adding another person to your on-call
| rotation that you trust.
|
| 20 years later, I still have his screwdriver - and I bring it
| every time we have lunch every once in a while.
|
| Life is too short to not let the people who make life enjoyable
| for us know so.
| Dansvidania wrote:
| being open, honest and as a consequence sometimes vulnerable in
| conversations -1 to 1 or not- without overly filtering myself to
| stay appropriate or to protect my ego or image has brought me to
| having a number of close friendship that I would not have thought
| possible.
|
| Those people that I now consider my family made me a better
| person and I would even argue made me into an adult.
|
| I would simplify this in 1 don't be afraid to ask random
| questions 2 be sincerely interested in knowing about the other
| person's answer
|
| I find this easier to do when the people are evidently
| interesting, but more often than not people are interesting after
| I exercise some curiosity about them.
| MortyWaves wrote:
| I've been trying to make friends, it's hard as an introvert.
| Tried a few times online to meet a wider group of people but as
| per other comments here people often "ghost" or don't return the
| effort I've tried to put in.
|
| I absolutely feel moving around as a child a dozen times meant I
| never formed any lasting friendships from schools, which then had
| knock on effects in college, and then university.
| appleorchard46 wrote:
| I'm in the same boat, friend. Being exposed to so much has its
| upsides but ability to make lasting relationships is not one of
| them.
| conception wrote:
| For me, as a non-introvert, I had to come to the realization
| that most people just won't reciprocate at a level I want. That
| you just have to make the stuff happen that you want to happen.
| So, you really can't wait for people to reach out to you. If
| you want to spend time with someone or if you want to have a
| group outing you just have to be the one to do it. It's kinda
| like any club Ive been a part in. There's usually a few people
| that drive things, organize, etc and most freeload off that.
| Your friendships will be like that too. You might find another
| driver and that's great! But it won't be the case most of the
| time. And it won't be because people don't want to do things,
| it's just how people are. I wouldn't take offense. Just think
| they aren't gonna be the vice president of your friend club and
| they'll just be a member and that's okay too. Y'all still have
| a good time.
| sethammons wrote:
| Growing up, it seemed the kids that moved a lot, aka military
| brats, were often good at finding new friends. More practice I
| assumed.
| DeathArrow wrote:
| I wonder if engineering close connections through structured
| vulnerability truly leads to meaningful relationships. The best
| friendships emerge organically through shared struggles and
| mutual support, rather than scripted conversations.
|
| The idea of forcing deep conversations might neglect the natural
| dynamics that make friendships work.
|
| Strong friendships aren't just about emotional sharing--they also
| require shared responsibility, common interests, and personal
| development.
|
| Friendship isn't just a checklist of deep questions--it's
| cultivated through shared experiences.
|
| True friendships form through shared hardships, common pursuits,
| and a natural alignment of values. There's something profoundly
| meaningful about forging relationships through mutual struggle,
| rather than intellectual exercises in vulnerability. If someone
| wants deeper friendships, they might be better served by pursuing
| meaningful challenges alongside others, rather than structuring
| conversations.
| mpalmer wrote:
| Why waste everyone's time with this? We can generate facile LLM
| responses ourselves.
| SoftTalker wrote:
| > The best friendships emerge organically through shared
| struggles and mutual support
|
| This is the basis for fraternity hazing and it does work but
| the popular point of view is that it's a bad thing.
| metalman wrote:
| the way this is stated is troubling in that it proposes an
| aysimetric idea of "close friend" which is just one more version
| of hiarchical structure in human society, rather than something
| based on seeing things from the same perspective and the trust
| and understanding that comes.....after that discovery ie:
| "intentionlly making", vs finding I would suggest that the
| quality of the people that inhabit the mutual appreciation
| societys that pass as friendships amongst the "popular"
| extroverts is the impetus behind this sort of blind quest, the
| unrecorded and hard to imagine blank realisation of the
| inevitable "stalemates" in there social jockeing, no one there,
| vulnerable, to anything at all....how dry and tedious, that must
| be
| aaarrm wrote:
| Could you reword and reformat this? I'm interested in what
| youre saying but am struggling to understand it fully.
| globnomulous wrote:
| This is incoherent.
| stroz wrote:
| Loved this. The shift from waiting for connection to
| intentionally building it is everything -- and it's exactly why
| we built Soonly (https://soonly.com). Most people rely on
| serendipity, Soonly makes it a habit. It's an operating system
| for intentional connections.
| w10-1 wrote:
| Mutual sacrifice is the glue that takes time to set.
|
| Mutual interest propels activity, but reliable sacrifice is the
| basis of trust and reliance.
|
| But if you are perceived as welching on this, you will induce
| real and lasting anger, justifiably in my mind because you've
| just made it harder for people to trust for the rest of their
| lives.
|
| And this is not limited to close friends.
|
| A girlfriend's mom's advice: trust your man only after he's
| crawled over a mile of broken glass, and your boss when he's done
| it underwater.
| daymanstep wrote:
| Following your girlfriend's mom's advice, you wouldn't trust
| anyone.
|
| Maybe that's why so few people have friends these days: they
| set some crazy/impossible conditions that you have to meet
| before they will trust you. As an autistic person it's
| impossible for me to guess what kind of crazy requirements I
| have failed to meet.
| brianpan wrote:
| Similar journey in book form: Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to
| Come. Introvert Jessica Pan spends a year being an extrovert.
|
| https://bookshop.org/p/books/sorry-i-m-late-i-didn-t-want-to...
| acsquared wrote:
| I got into open source software back in 2023, and by far the best
| part of it has been the community around the code. From irl to
| irc, some of my closest friends I've made since then I've met
| through programming.
| rufus_foreman wrote:
| >> up until about 4 years ago, I didn't have any close friends in
| my life. I had friends, but struggled to form real emotional
| connections. Moreover, it didn't even occur to me that I could
| try to do this. It wasn't that I knew how to form close friends
| but was too anxious to try, rather, 'try to form close
| friendships' was a non-standard action, something that never even
| crossed my mind
|
| It's the same thing with enemies. If you're an introvert like me,
| it's really hard to make true enemies, as opposed to people that
| just vaguely dislike you. You might have to go pretty far out of
| your comfort zone to do it. For many people, similar to what the
| author says, it will never even cross their minds. But it can be
| oddly rewarding.
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