[HN Gopher] Why making friends as an adult is harder
___________________________________________________________________
Why making friends as an adult is harder
Author : yamrzou
Score : 85 points
Date : 2024-12-24 15:40 UTC (7 hours ago)
(HTM) web link (www.theestablished.com)
(TXT) w3m dump (www.theestablished.com)
| JoeAltmaier wrote:
| It is hard, for those that treat life as 'working and slacking'.
|
| Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make
| friends.
|
| It's still that easy. But, you have to give up social media
| doomscrolling and movie binging. So there's that.
|
| A better title might be - why it's hard now to get off your butt
| and do anything other than work and slacking. Because it is hard.
| But if you do it - all the same friendship avenues are still
| there.
| ghaff wrote:
| For me, over time, it's been primarily common outdoor
| interests. Though it doesn't have to be outdoor interests
| specifically.
| someothherguyy wrote:
| Generalizing all humans experiencing difficulty socializing as
| adults as lazy is an oversimplification at best.
| taneq wrote:
| I don't think that's exactly what they were saying. I read it
| more like "people who divide life into work-that-you-should-
| pour-your-energy-into and recovery-where-you-try-not-to-
| spend-energy", and that maybe we should pour less of our
| energy into work and use that energy for socialising (which
| can result in an overall net energy gain).
| someothherguyy wrote:
| You have more generous eyes than my best, but saying things
| like, get off your butt, stop binging, and its that easy,
| is pretty analogous to common discourse where the blame is
| placed on motivation alone.
| throw646577 wrote:
| There are obviously some adults who have _severe_ limitations
| on their ability to socialise and nobody is implying they are
| lazy.
|
| But a wider social scene I have been part of has people with
| evident learning difficulties, people with obvious
| neurodivergence, people with physical disabilities.
|
| If you show up and show interest in sharing a common goal
| with a large enough circle of people, then those people will
| find you a way to participate at your own speed.
|
| If you have a way to show up for social activities, or
| assistance to show up, you could show up, you have a desire
| to show up, and you don't show up... some of that really is
| laziness at worst and avoidance at best.
| Drew_ wrote:
| Their comment is on a specific kind of person ("those that
| treat life as 'working and slacking'"), not all people.
| BoingBoomTschak wrote:
| > Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make
| friends.
|
| This is basically the "1. Do thing, 2. ???, 3. Profit!" South
| Park meme. If you're normal and like to drink a beer while
| talking about travel, TV, base politics or sportsball, sure it
| works.
|
| But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone
| isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on.
| f1shy wrote:
| That is my thinking too. Joining a group of 10 people, maybe
| with luck I make 1 friend out of it.
|
| I've done it in the past, with mixed results. My father would
| roam through different groups, rotary, lions club, church,
| fathers of my friends... that resulted in a say 1%
| friendships, which would last from 1 to 3 years. And boy
| there are dangers there too! Nobody is talking about them!
| Was I the only one who got a manic hanging every day at my
| door? I had many experiences where people I didn't want to be
| around would stick to me in a stalker way...
| someothherguyy wrote:
| And those "manics" are excluded as well, while just showing
| up, trying to make friends. The solutionism exhibited in
| discussions like this flies in the face of reality. They
| devolve into self-help for the masses. Human relationships
| are complex, and there is no easy path to true friendship.
| throw646577 wrote:
| > The solutionism exhibited in discussions like this
| flies in the face of reality.
|
| The solution I identify in my comments does not fly in
| the face of reality, because it is how I went from being
| crushingly lonely and weird in my early 30s to having the
| kind of friends who (just today) said "are you really
| doing Christmas by yourself? Fly out to <another country>
| and come to us, you'd be very welcome", and they
| absolutely mean it.
|
| I'm still someone who lives solo and the covid lockdowns
| were a difficult, lonely time. But I have friends because
| I found myself introduced to an event on the fringes of a
| much bigger social scene, and I decided to turn up more
| and take an active part in it.
|
| You find a thing that is bigger than yourself, whatever
| it is, you show interest, and you keep turning up. It's
| not solutionism: it's how friendship starts, for most
| people. You offer or accept help. You share a task that
| needs doing. You share an activity that is fun. You
| expand your personal circle to a dog, and they expand
| your circle to the owners of other dogs. Whatever.
|
| Of course humans are all different, but essentially all
| the adults at a grown up social group, community project,
| activism event, regular club, dog park, have something in
| common: they are adults who want friendship. That may
| well be the _only_ thing they have in common apart from
| their interest in some shared endeavour.
| throw646577 wrote:
| > But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when
| someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on.
|
| I am a _long way_ from normal and it worked for me. People
| genuinely thought I was confident and outgoing simply for
| turning up and chatting, and eventually it began to be a lot
| more true. Even if I had to leave earlier than most to find
| some quiet.
|
| Any shared activity that has enough participants has a role
| for people like us -- helping set up/tear down, organising,
| making coffees and snacks (the kitchen is an easy place to
| be), taking photographs, shuttling messages between
| organisers. Any shared activity has little bubbles of social
| grouping, fun and friendship around these functional parts.
| At a music thing: sound engineers, merch tents, collecting
| donations on the door -- lots of little bubbles of odd people
| finding their own speed.
|
| As long as you take time to relax and enjoy it as well -- I
| find this part difficult -- then there is a life for you. For
| me, I was a photographer, I helped with the web and email
| side, I helped with AV, whatever. I became indispensable. And
| then I found my people around the edges of it. I struggle
| again now, post-lockdown-fragmentation and a bout of
| depression, so I stepped back from active involvement in the
| same way, but I know my people are out there and they still
| value me _just for turning up_.
|
| Try not to assume there are "normal people" who want to lock
| you out. It's cynical, a little rude frankly. It is also a
| form of fundamental attribution error. Any large social
| functioning/gathering of adults is a gathering of people who
| have the same need for adult friendship and connection as
| you; many of them are lonely at other times. Why else would
| it even be happening?
|
| Side note: as true as the "sportsball" cliches might be, stop
| thinking that. Never, ever, ever say it out loud.
|
| If it's not for you (it isn't for me), so what? Never murder
| an enthusiasm. It's rude.
| tekla wrote:
| Skill issue. As long as you aren't an asshole, very few
| people actually care. And even if they do smell weirdness on
| you, why do you care? If you do, you're probably not actually
| weird as you think you are.
| activeradio wrote:
| yeah i guess you develop preferences. but it's still possible.
| all about putting in the time around common interests
| wkirby wrote:
| I made my first new friend in years simply by... asking. Struck
| up a conversation with a guy in line for coffee, on my way out of
| the cafe went up, gave him my number, said I was looking to make
| new friends.
|
| The world is more like the playground than you might think. Just
| ask if someone wants to be friends. They probably do.
| mettamage wrote:
| That's wise. I see the playground you're talking about.
|
| This comment will help me. I used to talk to people in line,
| despite being a bit shy and sometimes socially anxious.
|
| My shyness and anxiety can take a hike. I feel upset enough to
| block them out.
| hashishen wrote:
| Begging the author to volunteer in their community at the very
| least
| OldGuyInTheClub wrote:
| The author of the article? Doesn't sound like she is trying to
| make friends. Comes off as an assignment where she polled a
| bunch of people and added some text around their replies.
| irrational wrote:
| I have a few board game groups I belong to. We occasionally also
| do things outside of board games. So, for me it was finding a
| common interest.
|
| Another factor, for me, is being married. My wife has a lot of
| friends. They go on walks together, have regular Ladies Lunches
| were they try different restaurants in the area. I've become
| friends with some of the other husbands when we do things
| together as couples. Everything from movies, to holiday parties,
| to escape rooms, to board game nights (party games), to murder
| mystery dinners, etc.
| bossyTeacher wrote:
| > My wife has a lot of friends. They go on walks together, have
| regular Ladies Lunches were they try different restaurants in
| the area. I've become friends with some of the other husbands
| when we do things together as couples. Everything from movies,
| to holiday parties, to escape rooms, to board game nights
| (party games), to murder mystery dinners, etc.
|
| The problem with latching to your wife's social network is that
| they might end remaining your wife's friends as opposed to your
| friends. Especially if you only see each other in the context
| of "my wife's friend". It is a very common pattern. And then if
| you ever break up with your wife, she is gone and so are her
| friends.
|
| Learning to make friends on your own is a valuable skill.
| taneq wrote:
| Eh, some of my good friends were boyfriend-of-my-
| girlfriend's-girlfriend and while both girlfriends are long
| gone, we stay in touch.
| bossyTeacher wrote:
| great news but that is not always the case. And betting
| your social network on it seems ill-advised
| iambateman wrote:
| I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we live
| so far from one another.
|
| In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to other
| people which is just not possible as an adult.
| bossyTeacher wrote:
| >In school, or college, it was easier to be in proximity to
| other people which is just not possible as an adult.
|
| I think it is more that you made friends with people that
| already lived near you (ie the kids going to your school). As
| adults, the only people that match a similar profile are your
| work colleagues but adults tend be more closed off to making
| friends. In some cultures, it is still easy but north european
| cultures seem to make it so that when you reach some age you
| close off to new people.
| diggan wrote:
| > I honestly think the majority of the difficulty is that we
| live so far from one another.
|
| This sound correct for some people, but I'm not sure if it's
| the majority.
|
| Right now I live in a town with ~20,000 people, feels like I
| cannot go outside without people around me and there are
| constant regular events being done.
|
| I grew up on a island with ~700 people, and even there you were
| not really alone unless you were out in the forest. Even that
| place regularly had events organized by people.
|
| Besides, I'm guessing most people in the world live in or close
| to metropolitan areas, and there certainly there isn't any
| problem of "live so far from one another", but maybe the
| opposite problem.
| norir wrote:
| Yes and you aren't necessarily going to be friends with all
| of those people around you. The challenge is not being near
| just anyone but rather being near a group of people with
| significant overlap in values and interests. I live in one of
| the highest density cities in the US but I still have very
| few friends who live within a twenty minute walk and I
| frequently have to commute an hour each way to social
| gatherings.
| diggan wrote:
| > The challenge is not being near just anyone but rather
| being near a group of people with significant overlap in
| values and interests
|
| Maybe I'm exceptionally flexible, but I don't see those as
| being a requirement for finding friends. Growing up on the
| island with an interest for programming there was like two
| other people on the island who even knew what programming
| was, and were into computers.
|
| So most of my friends of that time I didn't really have
| anything in common with except we lived on this island with
| our parents, and we liked the same types of jokes. But
| generally our world-view was very different even back then,
| didn't seem to have stopped us.
| gigatree wrote:
| You're fortunate. At least in a lot of the US people live
| insular lives and only rarely run into people at the grocery
| store.
| a1o wrote:
| This is the first time I heard of Dupe photos:
| https://dupephotos.com/ , they look more amateur but feel more
| human.
| neom wrote:
| I couldn't understand why you were talking about this, I
| actually thought your account was hacked, but I see now all the
| photos in the article are provided by them. Clicked through and
| spent some time there, an interesting community, it seems like
| people's random "decent enough" photos, kinda a good idea imo.
| If I want random stock these days I typically use AI, but this
| would save me having to think up a prompt and then do 15
| minutes of prompt engineering. I like it!
| a1o wrote:
| Yeah, I was quite happy it wasn't AI. Glad I wasn't alone.
| Merry Christmas. :)
| prhn wrote:
| I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time
| in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person.
|
| Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy.
| The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those
| situations post-college outside of work.
|
| Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will
| absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play
| sports. It doesn't matter if you're athletic or talented.
|
| You just gotta show up and see the same people every week over
| and over. If you're a reasonably well adjusted person (and even
| that sometimes doesn't matter) you will make friends.
|
| Again, making connections and friends is easy. Being around the
| same people regularly is difficult. Solve that problem and the
| friendships will come with little effort.
|
| I have found that people generally understand the value of
| friendship and are welcoming to newcomers. It's been a very
| refreshing surprise as I've gotten older.
|
| Get out there!
| PittleyDunkin wrote:
| > Find a group.
|
| This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't
| organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are
| something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying.
| And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find
| these groups? Your local library?
| henry2023 wrote:
| Climbing gyms
| idontwantthis wrote:
| > imagining enjoying
|
| Try it and find out if you really don't like it. Maybe you'll
| hear about something else you will like more.
| PittleyDunkin wrote:
| Yup, this is great advice. Thank you.
| elcomet wrote:
| Book clubs, art clubs, movie club... Lot of options
| f1shy wrote:
| Specially having same sports interests, does not help in
| finding people with more or less same values/ world view. I
| cannot really make good friends with people on the opposite
| side of my thinking.
| diggan wrote:
| > Sports, especially, are something that I have a very
| difficult time imagining enjoying
|
| There is a wide range of sports :) My mom always tried to
| force me into team sports like football, hockey and alike,
| which never really was my thing. But as an adult, I enjoy
| things like skiing, water-sports, table-tennis and a bunch of
| other sports, that I see less like "sports" but more like
| "enjoyable activities", but also really makes it easy to meet
| people with similar interests :)
| technothrasher wrote:
| I've found most of my new friends in my 50's by going to
| little local museums that interest me, such as a small clock
| museum and a military history museum, and inserting myself
| into them by volunteering to help out.
| ghaff wrote:
| Not really my thing--but maybe at some point--but there are
| a ton of volunteer docent tasks at museums, ushering/other
| tasks at local theater groups, etc. Should probably do more
| along those lines.
| NordSteve wrote:
| Go mentor a high school robotics team, or volunteer to help
| run events. It's 100% sports, minus the athletic dimension. I
| see tons of lifetime friendships being made.
| gritspartan wrote:
| Local library. Recreation centers. Local board game shops.
| Events and activities in the community. Volunteering.
| Religious groups. College campuses often host groups and
| events from the community. Art classes. Dance classes.
|
| Check the local newspaper as they often list events and
| activities.
| PittleyDunkin wrote:
| I emphatically agree with this. I suppose I'm just
| frustrated it's so hard to figure out what your interests
| are without trying and failing.
|
| That's just life, I guess.
| throw646577 wrote:
| If you don't have "interests" that is in its way a
| separate question, and it is one that is worth addressing
| on its own.
|
| It is shockingly common, in the modern world, to have
| only a job and watching-TV-while-doomscrolling-exhausted.
|
| But it is worth thinking about. Beyond planned
| activities, beyond hobbies: what appeals to you at all?
|
| Another way to look at it is outwards: what things do I
| know how to do that could be socially valuable and need
| an outlet? Like, do you know how to use a 3D printer, do
| you still vaguely remember how to play a musical
| instrument from childhood, do you find gardening easy?
| dorpstein wrote:
| With websites and social media accounts being simple to
| create, just search google and instagram for "<x thing you're
| interested in> club/meetup/group". Lots of small groups make
| one for this purpose. It's worked for me!
| thrw42A8N wrote:
| Make your own meetup. Honest advice, everybody sort of sees
| you as the guy to become friends with if you're the leader.
| doublepg23 wrote:
| Have you tried DnD? My father has a biweekly DnD session
| where he's met a ton of people.
| jokellum wrote:
| I work as a remote software dev. Joining a volleyball league +
| run club definitely helped massively for me.
|
| > Again, making connections and friends is easy. Being around
| the same people regularly is difficult.
|
| Agreed, 90% of the difficulty making new friends is showing at
| the same place/event regularly. Remaining 10% is actually being
| someone people want to be friends with.
| CalChris wrote:
| Depends on the sport. I used to play pickup basketball. Whereas
| I recognized the players week to week, I never knew any of
| them. I only accidentally ran into one of them outside the game
| once. BTW, I loved the game and remember the players well. They
| just weren't friends.
|
| Then I sailed, crewed raceboats. I got to know many people
| quite well. There's a lot of social coordination and
| communication in sailing. Just sitting on the rail on an upwind
| beat is a conversation, the same conversation every time but
| like chicken soup for the soul. Also a good crew is lot like a
| startup. Not easy to break into but worth it.
| UniverseHacker wrote:
| I agree, sailing is a particularly good sport for making
| friends... however it tends to be mostly older people. I just
| decided to make friends with people my parents age, and I've
| made a lot of good friends that way regardless.
| phil21 wrote:
| A lot of people will simply not do this, even if they know they
| should.
|
| For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky social
| experiment than most realize. It works for folks who were
| either already inclined to "go out and do things" or those who
| already had established social groups. We will see how this
| pans out in a generation or two.
|
| Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance is utterly
| exhausting and incredibly anxiety inducing to me. If I didn't
| already have friends I could do spontaneous things with, I'm
| not sure how I'd be able to have any sort of social life at
| all. I certainly am not alone in this, even if I'm a minority.
| dinosaurdynasty wrote:
| > Having to have everything scheduled weeks in advance
|
| I don't see how WFH makes this worse, in fact it probably
| makes it better (less time spent commuting, more ability to
| end the day early with a flexible employer, etc)
| doubled112 wrote:
| It worked this way for me in the neighbourhood.
|
| Maybe it was pandemic, maybe it was all that free time, but
| suddenly we all noticed each other. I had never even spoken
| to some of these people before.
|
| Suddenly we were all spending time in the same place
| instead of waving as we drove by on our way to work and
| taking kids to activities.
|
| Now I have friends. I don't go to work then come home and
| stay inside.
|
| Plus working from home I have time to get involved in some
| of the kid's activities and made more friends.
| doublepg23 wrote:
| I don't think I'd have agreed to volunteer at church as much
| as I do without WFH.
| nobodyandproud wrote:
| If it weren't for church services and semi-regular in-office
| work, my in-person contact would be just wife and kids.
|
| I believe the Japanese have a near analogous term for this:
| Hikikomori.
| asp_hornet wrote:
| That is not what Hikikomori means. Hikikomori is a complete
| removal of oneself from society often including family and
| work.
| ilbeeper wrote:
| Having regular contact with a wife and kids makes you far
| from being a Hikikomori.
| throw646577 wrote:
| > For this reason I think WFH is a massively more risky
| social experiment than most realize. It works for folks who
| were either already inclined to "go out and do things" or
| those who already had established social groups. We will see
| how this pans out in a generation or two.
|
| Right on all points, I think.
| cosmic_cheese wrote:
| I've been cognizant of this for several years now, but almost
| immediately after I began to act on it, the pandemic hit and
| threw it all into disarray.
|
| Since then I've moved which has enabled a massive CoL reduction
| which is great, but at the same time I'm not sure this is where
| I want to be for even the next 5-10 years and so I've been
| resistant to putting down roots. Needing to drive to do
| anything also doesn't help, as I find driving on anything but
| practically empty roads unpleasant.
|
| There may be a pedestrian/cyclist-friendly city with great
| public transportation in my future, and so if I make a point to
| go out and do things consistently it'll probably be there.
| moribvndvs wrote:
| I don't think it matters that it's sports specifically, but I
| agree that the secret ingredient is showing up and putting in
| the effort consistently and frequently. It's easier to do that
| when friendship is a byproduct of something you are interested
| in or need to do.
|
| Another factor that is important is being open-minded, whether
| that means being a little more willing to explore things that
| aren't your wheelhouse or being tolerant of behaviors or lines
| of thinking that aren't natural to you. That doesn't mean you
| need to pretend to be someone you loathe or surround yourself
| with insufferable people, but instead find a way to deal with
| averse concepts in a constructive way, to be just flexible
| enough to find an enjoyable common ground. Walk away if there
| isn't any, or it isn't worth the effort you have to put in.
|
| I think too many people think friendship is what happens
| between people that are the same, and it happens magically and
| effortlessly. Friendship is work, always. Some people are just
| less work or pay higher dividends than others. You need
| patience and the ability to know when a friendship costs more
| than it's worth. I think we just tend to have less patience,
| energy, and flexibility as we get older, but some of that is a
| choice.
| PicassoCTs wrote:
| You are aware, that you are on a board of grinding workaholics,
| who work hard to have nobody escape the gulag of modern labor -
| by forcing everyone to grind their lifes to dust to compete
| with them?
|
| That the processes we are part of have one purpose and one
| purpose only when it comes to social life, to force everyone to
| invest there whole social life into a company ? That half the
| apps written here, are to divide and conquer society and use
| the created misery and loneliness for additional upsales of the
| withheld happiness? That companies are actively antagonistic to
| anybody having friends and friendships?
| vouaobrasil wrote:
| Children have it easy because they are made to go to school. It's
| simple forced proximity. Adults often had it easier in the past
| because people needed each other more, and that placed them
| together.
|
| But advancing technology takes that away. People need each other
| less and less with each passing day because we are too self-
| sufficient with technology. AI is the final step that will make
| friendships very hard to form indeed.
| billy99k wrote:
| I made lots of friends (and eventually my wife and best man at my
| wedding) in my early 30s by first joining a meetup group and
| eventually becoming the organizer for it. It was disbanded a few
| years ago (before Covid), but I still hang out with the 13 or so
| people I met in the group. The group lasted almost 8 years.
|
| I had work friends in my 20s, but it was always difficult for me
| to make new friends after college. Joining a common-interest
| meetup group made it so much easier. I find the key is to meet
| weekly and in-person. If you don't do this, you just won't be
| able to put the time in to actually have a real friend.
|
| It would be nice if it was as easy for adults as it is for kids.
| My daughter will go up to another kid and say "Do you want to be
| my friend?" and they will play all day together.
| brightball wrote:
| I really committed myself to solving this for myself a few years
| back. It does take commitment.
|
| A few things I've done that work:
|
| 1. Start a "Dad's night" with people in my neighborhood. We
| picked Wednesday night from 9 - 10pm. Started out just as BYOB in
| my back yard. Eventually we periodically went to a local pub that
| was near the neighborhood.
|
| When you have kids of a certain age, it's inconsiderate to bail
| on your wife while the kids are still awake. The hard time limit
| keeps it easy for anybody during the work week. Doing it mid week
| keeps weekend plans from getting in the way.
|
| Lots of dads were thrilled to have this. The trick is consistent
| scheduling even if you have some weeks with no shows. That's why
| starting it in my back yard was easiest until we regularly had
| about 8 people showing up. Doesn't put you out if nobody can make
| it. Don't get your feelings hurt because things like this start
| slow.
|
| Covid killed it, but most of those guys became a Friday lunch
| group instead.
|
| 2. If you can, a cheap poker night. Like $10 buy in so the point
| is more to hang out than to loot your neighbors coffers and it
| keeps it accessible for people who have never played. This
| probably works for most games, but poker is such a broadly played
| game that it's not that intimidating. Works in all weather
| conditions and works well with a sporting event on TV in the
| background.
|
| Again, the key is consistent scheduling.
|
| For either of these options, make sure people know they can bring
| a friend if they think they'll get along with the group.
|
| 3. Take up golf. I haven't done this but I know enough people who
| have. It works. Join a country club and play regularly. They'll
| pair you up with people and groups. It's not for everybody, but
| works well for lots of people.
|
| 4. Join a church with adult Sunday school. Free and easy way to
| meet people in your community. Usually comes with family friendly
| activities around community service too.
|
| 5. Get involved with local tech communities and meetup groups.
| jessekv wrote:
| As a kid, maybe your parent/guardian did the legwork to get you
| into the playgroup/neighbourhood/school/sport/etc. where you made
| friends.
|
| As an adult, you have to do that bit yourself. (Thanks mom!)
| jdalgetty wrote:
| Play sports, and it becomes much easier.
| jimt1234 wrote:
| I came to California, in part, because my family in the Midwest
| is a bunch of Jesus freaks - not the "love thy neighbor" kind,
| more like the "God hates fags" kind. So when a girlfriend (in
| California) invited me to her church for some volunteer work, I
| went prepared to hate on everyone. However, I was blown away, as
| they were the nicest people I'd ever met in my life. They all
| went out of their way to help one another, just to be helpful,
| not to destroy the "gay agenda" or "save the unborn" or whatever.
| No one preached to me, no warnings about burning in hell.
|
| My point is that, love it or hate it, church can be a great way
| to meet good people. I'm still anti-religion, anti-church,
| although a bit less. But I can't deny the social support church
| can provide.
| Freak_NL wrote:
| That's nice and all, but when you don't believe in their god,
| it becomes rather awkward.
| frereubu wrote:
| That depends, as the comment you replied to shows, on how
| they respond to that. I'm an atheist, but one of my wife's
| best friends is a dyed-in-the wool catholic, and we get on
| really well despite that fundamental difference. He has a
| great line in self-deprecating humour, where he talked about
| "going Taliban" during lent, of which he is very observant.
| Not all religious people - and, I would suggest, probably
| very few in fact - are nutters. They're just the loudest
| ones.
| onemoresoop wrote:
| Yes and no, if you join a group that is not overzealous you
| can just skip the religion talk altogether and involve with
| community projects instead.
| corinroyal wrote:
| I thought so too, until I realized that if atheists see God
| as a deep aspect of the human mind, that evolved that way for
| reasons, then we don't miss much of the Judeo-Christian
| story. I stopped by a local church for Bible study just in
| order to challenge my assumptions and found that they had no
| problem with that formulation at all. I expected way more
| awkwardness and even pushed the issue, to no avail. The
| result was a delightful experience of people sitting around
| interrogating ancient texts and being attentive to each
| other's life challenges.
|
| I found that the structure of the Christian congregation is
| equivalent to the anarchist affinity group. I realized that,
| unlike us, Christians build infrastructure to support their
| organizing, and we should probably adopt that.
|
| I'm still the same atheist, just a churchgoing one. I don't
| go to mass often or ever recite the Nicene Creed, but
| otherwise it's been a fantastic social outlet, great
| intellectual company, and the organ festival is off the hook.
| rqtwteye wrote:
| I am sometimes jealous of religious people. They have a clear
| vision of the meaning of life and churches give them a social
| group they can join.
|
| Us atheists don't really have something like that.
| krapp wrote:
| Skill issue.
|
| Plenty of atheists are capable of finding both meaning in
| life and social groups to join.
| rqtwteye wrote:
| I agree about skill. It's just easier with religious
| groups.
| shriek wrote:
| Because they have a common goal. The challenge for
| atheists is to find group of people with the same goal as
| theirs.
| hn_throwaway_99 wrote:
| I think that kind of misses the point. Sure, of course
| plenty of atheists find meaning in life and social groups
| to join.
|
| Point being, in a religious environment you don't have to
| have skill - the meaning in life and social groups are
| automatic and baked in. That's not the case for atheists so
| it's easier to get "left behind" if you happen to be
| "unskilled", as you put it.
| pacman128 wrote:
| Look into the Unitarian Universalist (UU) church. I'm a
| recently retired atheist and moved to a new city. My wife was
| brought up UU and they welcome all beliefs. We started
| attending services at a local fellowship a month ago and have
| been welcomed and are starting to make some friends there.
| evantbyrne wrote:
| I've been further down that rabbit hole that most, so believe
| me when I say there is no such thing as a free lunch.
| onemoresoop wrote:
| Whatever fosters a good healthy community is good, and church
| does play a role but as you state it's not always positive and
| healthy. It's good to know they're not a uniform monolith and
| if you don't find one you like you should keep on looking.
| el_benhameen wrote:
| I've been thinking about this lately. I started going to social
| events at a friend's church in around 8th grade, and regularly
| went to church and church events through high school. My mom
| came with me through much of it (dad isn't big on religion or
| social events, which I get). I don't think either of us was
| particularly invested in the religious part, but we both made a
| number of long term friends, and I had a strong sense of
| community and belonging that I didn't get at school.
|
| The church took a hard right turn, and I gave up any semblance
| of belief when I went to college. But as an adult with kids of
| my own, I do wish that I had a "third place" to take my family
| for community and kinship. I don't really want to raise the
| kids in a religion, but I've occasionally considered trying to
| find a "light" church or something so they get the same sense
| of community that I had.
| speakfreely wrote:
| I had a similar bad experience with religion growing up that
| left me very anti-organized religion. It wasn't until adulthood
| that I met people for whom religion appeared to be a positive
| developmental force on their personality. I am much more
| respectful of religious views in general now, even if I don't
| believe it myself.
|
| Most religions really do center themselves on very useful
| concepts like mindfulness, gratitude, and helping others. But
| like anything, religions can be coopted by those with
| personality disorders to exercise their need for control,
| tribalistic exclusion, etc.
| neom wrote:
| For me it went something like: I'm lonely > try to make friends >
| it's hard, but wait I already have friends > try to reconnect
| with old friends > for various reasons old friends don't want
| to/can't be friends > try to make new friends > wait I want my
| old friends > not going to happen > volunteering
| rqtwteye wrote:
| If you make a little effort it gets easier once you hit 50s or
| 60s. People in their 30s and 40s are very busy with family and
| work. This changes once kids are gone and people near or have
| reached retirement.
| robocat wrote:
| Even if younger, keep your mind open to finding friends that
| are more than middle-aged.
| hn_throwaway_99 wrote:
| TBH, I thought this was a pretty empty article. It seemed to
| rehash things that I believe most people are aware of regarding
| the difficulty of making friends once you hit adulthood. Thus,
| I'll add one piece of advice that I didn't see mentioned in the
| article or the comments.
|
| Beyond just having unstructured time together, I think I made
| some of my best friends when I was in a group that had a common
| goal, and we had to work together to achieve that goal. While the
| common goal actually isn't the most important factor in making
| friends, I think it provides the framework that makes the
| "unstructured" time so much more natural, easy, and regular. E.g.
| joining a sports team provides the framework of regular practice,
| but then you can make great friends getting something to eat
| after. Or in a community theater group, the rehearsals provides
| the structure, but it's all the downtime where you really get to
| build friendships.
|
| I mention this because I so often here the advice of "join a
| group of other people with shared interests", and while that's
| true, I've found that is it's too "laissez faire", then the
| normal pressures of adult life can often get in the way, and it's
| harder to connect. E.g. a book club is nice, but when you get
| really busy it's easy to just bail and not feel as connected to
| the folks in the club.
| technological wrote:
| I notice that as we grow older patience in growing a friendship
| is less, usually at at adult change we look for a perfect person
| or someone with way less difference in tastes.
| f1shy wrote:
| I would say maybe not patience, but openness maybe? I have a
| hard time being around with people, that say, show some trait
| of antisemitism, or discrimination. I grew intolerant to that
| (and many other things) that 20 years ago I would just ignore.
| OldGuyInTheClub wrote:
| Must be something in the air: From yesterday, 275 comments.
|
| "One way to fight loneliness: Germans call it a Stammtisch"
|
| https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=42488263
| supersparrow wrote:
| Christmas
| OldGuyInTheClub wrote:
| If so, it seems odd that it would happen at a social time of
| year for many if not most.
| supersparrow wrote:
| I think for a lot of people it's hard precisely for that
| reason - it's a very social time of year for most which
| increases the feeling of loneliness for those who maybe
| don't know a lot of people or don't have family or friends
| they can visit for whatever reason.
| __turbobrew__ wrote:
| Get a dog, show up regularly to the local dog park. You will
| quickly meet people.
| robocat wrote:
| Great advice if you're a dog lover. You will quickly meet dog-
| loving people. One stereotype is the dog owners that have dogs
| as a fashion item. Another stereotype is dog owners that desire
| a dependent.
|
| Recently I've noticed lots of people I thin judge to be good
| have house plants. So there's definitely something about being
| able to care for dogs or plants or people. I'd love to hear
| other thoughts about house plant owners!
| osamabinladen wrote:
| maybe this is a projection, but it always seems like the people
| struggling to make new friends also tend to never put themselves
| in the bare minimum situation to be able to make said friends. i
| personally rarely go outside outside of anything related to work.
| maybe for others it is the same?
| throw646577 wrote:
| It's not a projection. I think it's a core truth you've
| discovered.
|
| You need to find a thing that is bigger than yourself to be a
| part of. And then show up and be willing to pitch in.
|
| Other adults who know that adult friendship is important will
| be there.
|
| The rest sorts itself out pretty fast, because almost everyone
| enjoys the company of someone who is willing to put themselves
| out there, even a shy, awkward person.
|
| There are of course people who can't "show up" so easily --
| people with limited mobility, people who are physically
| severely isolated. But the internet does offer some spaces
| where those people can have a lot of what face-to-face
| friendship offers. Again you just have to find a shared
| activity and show up.
| f1shy wrote:
| Is that not the problem?
|
| "I have a hard time making friends" may be eventually
| interpreted as "I have a hard time putting me in situations to
| be able to make friends" just 2 sides of the same coin, isn't
| it?
| throw646577 wrote:
| It's not!
|
| You just need a shared interest or objective in as close to 'real
| life' as you can get it, and you need to dedicate time to it that
| you would otherwise give to TV and doom-scrolling.
|
| Gamers make real friends. Open source enthusiasts can make real
| friends. Music fans can make real friends (though your local
| scene is considerably better for this).
|
| It does take management and maintenance, and if you're a single
| person then covid lockdowns will have broken many ties; I am
| definitely a more insular person than I was before.
|
| But stop wasting your time watching TV, make a plan to make your
| social media more focussed on local activities and less focussed
| on personal drama, and try to be part of something a bit bigger
| than yourself. Get a dog, maybe.
| bleakenthusiasm wrote:
| For me a huge challenge is that I grew older (college years) in
| an environment where people were strongly convinced that opinions
| and tastes can only be right or wrong. If someone liked something
| else than the group, they just didn't see the truth. It was
| exhausting and also meant that "finding friends" basically meant
| trying to find someone who likes and values exactly the same
| things as you.
|
| I learned pretty late that you can get along very well with
| people who have vastly different taste and as long as your ideals
| are not directly contradicting, it still works.
|
| So I guess my suggestion is: don't artificially limit your pool
| of potential friends by looking for the perfect match. No need to
| find your soul-copy. Someone with whom concersation flows is just
| fine.
| someothherguyy wrote:
| https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/friendship
| ydnaclementine wrote:
| Just suggesting because I don't see it here: foreign language
| group classes. I would say groups are pretty good for beginner
| level. But you are trading a bit of learning efficiency for the
| social aspect, arguably
| 23B1 wrote:
| My biggest challenge making adult friends is that most of them
| are still children.
| Etheryte wrote:
| Sounds like your problem is rather looking down at other
| people, I can imagine it would be hard to make friends that
| way.
| 23B1 wrote:
| QED
| PeterWhittaker wrote:
| I confess I largely stopped paying attention after the "as a kid,
| it was easy" comment.
|
| As a kid, having playmates was easyish but having friends was
| tricky. As an ND intellectual multilingual round peg in a town of
| unilingual anti-everything square holes, I had acquaintances but
| no good friends until high school, one or two then, none in uni,
| though there were sufficient like-minded people that it mattered
| less, and, from then until 10 years ago, at most one or two.
|
| In late 2014 I bought a Jeep and joined a hardcore offroad group
| (rocks, not mud). They are the most diverse group I've ever hung
| with, and I have half a dozen people I would consider close
| friends and rather more who would drop everything and drive 50km
| in a snow storm if I needed help.
|
| I lucked out. But to say it was ever easy is misaligned with my
| experience.
| timoth3y wrote:
| Most of the things mentioned in the article result in making
| friends as an adult being _different_ than making friends as a
| child, but not necessarily harder. I 'm in my late 50s and
| continue to make new friends.
|
| I think the larger problem is that many approach friendship with
| the wrong expectations. As Zig Ziglar said.
|
| "If you going out trying to find a friend, friends are scarce. If
| you go out trying to be a friend, friends are everywhere."
| baron816 wrote:
| I have an idea for an organization for getting building close
| connections among men:
|
| The organization would connect men together and then those men
| with "chores" they could do within their neighborhood. Yeah, kind
| of like a free Task Rabbit.
|
| But the idea is that the men go out on a mission together to help
| random people in their community, whether that's helping someone
| move some furniture around, or hang some pictures, or maybe paint
| a bedroom, or pick up some food for someone that's sick. The guys
| need an excuse to hang out together, but they're helping people
| in the process. And maybe they can go grab a drink or lunch when
| they're done. They get a sense of purpose and something to feel
| good about, as well as a companion for the day's little journey.
|
| I imagine people will read this and think this sounds idiotic,
| and that's fine, but if you might want to explore this idea with
| me a little more, my email is in my profile.
| Evil_Saint wrote:
| I think the core idea is fine though. Kind of like random acts
| of kindness but as a team. I guess it's a respin on Habits for
| Humanity right?
|
| I don't think it's idiotic. I think you're selling yourself
| short using that word. Try "silly".
| benbojangles wrote:
| perhaps it's not harder, but there's more comfort in solace?
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