[HN Gopher] Caring for yourself while caring for others
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Caring for yourself while caring for others
Author : squircle
Score : 210 points
Date : 2024-11-06 20:04 UTC (2 hours ago)
(HTM) web link (magazine.medlineplus.gov)
(TXT) w3m dump (magazine.medlineplus.gov)
| lemonberry wrote:
| This hits home. I've been taking care of my father for years. He
| has dementia, COPD, and a bunch of other issues. In a lot of ways
| it's like the pandemic never ended for us. I barely leave the
| house other than for trips to the grocery store and doctor's
| visits. It's brutal.
|
| Sadly, I'm also recognizing that as a man pushing 50, I'm not
| very good at asking for help. I don't. I'm also not good at
| maintaining strong social ties. Both of these are things I hope
| to get better at. It sounds so easy, but I struggle with both.
| Especially while managing the ups and downs of my mental health
| and taking care of my father.
|
| That said, I'm very grateful that none of this triggered a
| relapse of my drinking. That would not be good. For the most
| part, I use meditation and exercise to hold myself together.
|
| Sharing this doesn't excite me, but maybe there are other
| caregivers out there that feel the same way. And for those of you
| with children, please plan for how you're going to handle your
| late life care.
| theGnuMe wrote:
| That does truly does suck. There may be some resources
| available from your local county under Medicaid/medicare,
| hopefully respite care and paid nursing if you can't get your
| dad into assisted living or don't want to do so.
| sharkweek wrote:
| Thank you for sharing your story. It's something I think about
| a lot as my parents/in-laws age (I'm 40 and parents all in
| their 70s in decent health but feels like a matter of time...
| already a few cancer scares).
|
| I'm curious if you work with a therapist at all. Seems like a
| lot of what you mention struggling with, it could be helpful to
| have that weekly neutral observer to talk to.
|
| Sidebar: great advice on planning for my own late life care.
| The analogy I always hear is "put your own mask on first" when
| it comes to financial planning. Paying for college / weddings /
| down payments on houses for the kids would be great, but far
| more important to make sure financial retirement goals are
| being met for myself first.
| brunojppb wrote:
| Thanks for sharing this. I used to care for my grandma back
| home (Alzheimer's), but the financial burden is brutal. I moved
| countries so I could be able to afford caring for her but ended
| up leaving the large part of the physical work for my mom and
| sister. Thankfully I can now afford to support her financially
| much more, including paying for a dedicated nursing home nearby
| my moms.
|
| I'm 35 now and keep wondering how future is gonna be as I have
| no kids and no desire in having them (also not wishing them a
| life where they would have to care for me)
|
| I'm trying to keep my health up now and dedicating more time
| for it so I can hopefully hold the fort.
|
| I wish you the best for you and your father.
| haliskerbas wrote:
| Same here, I'm quite a bit younger but my living situation and
| finances are also determined by taking care of my elderly
| parents. It's a lot different culturally than my surrounding
| peers who either don't have parents as old or don't bother to
| care for them in the same way.
|
| It changes who I can spend time with and what I can do, and
| required me to grow up a lot faster than it seems like those
| around me. I didn't have the same amount inviting random people
| over, hosting house parties, or going out for drinks the same
| way, which I sometimes wish I got to do more of. But we play
| the cards we are dealt and try to do the most right for
| ourselves and the people around us I guess!
| fatnoah wrote:
| Fellow man pushing 50 here. I'm caring for my mom who has COPD
| and is starting to show signs of dementia. She lives a couple
| hours away and I just started a job that's 3-4 hours in the
| opposite direction, so I'm balancing a long-distance weekly
| commute along with weekly trips to cook, clean, do shopping,
| etc. Due to how this eats up most of my free time, it's
| actually made me better at squeezing "self care" into my
| schedule since it's become clear that it's not something I can
| defer to later, since "later" may not come for several years.
|
| It's not at the same level as your dealing with, so I'm writing
| this mostly to offer support and to be glad that you've found
| some activities to help center you. I do encourage you to try
| to find some help, even if it's just for some small part of the
| care, like cleaning, shopping, bathing, whatever.
| VWWHFSfQ wrote:
| > 4. Be gentle with yourself
|
| > It's common to experience a wide range of emotions as a
| caregiver. You might feel frustrated, sad, resentful, joyful--all
| in the same day or even in the same hour! These feelings are a
| normal part of the caregiving experience, and it's okay to
| express them.
|
| I think this one is the most important and it extends to
| everyone, not just people in a caregiving role.
|
| Be able to forgive yourself. Past mistakes, things you said, or
| did, or didn't do. All the the showerthoughts that make you
| cringe up. Don't be so hard on yourself. Forgive.
| olyjohn wrote:
| It's especially true if you're taking care of a dying my family
| member. They will pass and then suddenly you have time to
| remember all the things you did wrong, or said out of
| exhaustion and frustration, and you won't be able to apologize.
| Truth is none of those things matter. What matters most is you
| did the best you can for them and that you were just there for
| them.
| ixtli wrote:
| I have been taking care of my partner suffering a chronic illness
| for 2-3 years now and it is phenomenal that this on the top of
| HN. I've had to figure out a lot of this for myself having made
| many mistakes and I _still_ just learned about Respite Care.
| Thanks OP :)
| techsolomon wrote:
| Thank you for posting this. <3
| taylorbuley wrote:
| Taking care of yourself means authentic emotional expression and
| it's crucial to health, as it reduces this internalized stress,
| helping to maintain both mental and physical well-being.
|
| In The Myth of Normal, Gabor Mate argues that suppressing
| emotions, particularly anger, can weaken the immune system and
| lead to chronic illness, including conditions like multiple
| sclerosis (MS).
|
| Mate explains that repressing anger -- e.g. due to societal or
| familial pressure to avoid conflict or "be nice" -- creates
| internal stress, which over time harms the body's immune
| response. This chronic stress actually _triggers_ autoimmune
| disorders, as the immune system starts to attack the body itself.
| theGnuMe wrote:
| Dr K covers this as well. He is amazing, as amazing as Dr Mate.
| He has a podcast and his YouTube videos on diary of a ceo are
| life changing.
|
| Also his book on gaming addiction is one of the best I've ever
| read. And it is not just about gaming addiction. It's a user
| manual for your mind.
| throw18376 wrote:
| sometimes the obvious advice is the most important to hear.
| thanks for posting.
|
| unfortunately the nature of some health problems that require a
| caregiver, makes both the sufferer and caregiver into social
| pariahs. in that case asking for help is unlikely to work well.
| but even in such cases the other advice is very sound.
| neilv wrote:
| Not to diminish or confuse the challenges of caregiving, but most
| of this is also be generally good advice (if not complete) for
| someone burning themselves out at a very demanding job, startup,
| school, etc.
|
| Most of it is also good advice in general.
|
| Maybe something significant about saying it to a particular group
| like this is to both remind of general good advice, and to
| clarify that, even though it seems you're in an exceptional
| situation, the good advice still applies or may be more important
| now than baseline?
| taneq wrote:
| Absolutely right, and I'd define that sort of job as a
| caregiving role as well. A team, organisation, charity or club
| can be a dependent and it can feel impossible to walk away if
| you're deeply invested.
| taneq wrote:
| I love the way "take a break" is presented as an available
| option. I guarantee that for many caregivers it's absolutely not.
| rectang wrote:
| I'm have relatives in the elder care industry and I've been a
| caregiver myself. This options presented here are laughable.
|
| Modern medicine has extended lifetimes so that people spend an
| extraordinary amount of their lives in a state where they are
| miserable and helpless. The less fortunate among us do not have
| the resources or the options to accommodate them and so spend
| years in desperation.
|
| The effect of this list is to inspire guilt and feed despair in
| people beyond the end of their rope: some you're somehow not
| making it work, while apparently others are. You must be a bad
| person.
| OldGuyInTheClub wrote:
| Good ideas but as with so many things, easier said than done.
| dottjt wrote:
| My partner is undergoing chemo for stage 4 sarcoma and co-
| incidentally, my 13 month old happened to get sick on the day my
| partner started (around 2 weeks ago)
|
| Looking after a sick toddler by myself, whilst also trying to
| juggle WFH has been... I haven't felt this level of depression
| and hopeless since my early 20s. I've never been more overwhelmed
| in my life.
|
| Honestly, there is no coping mechanism in that scenario. You're
| being pulled from 20 different directions, the house is a mess,
| you're emotionally a wreck. It honestly feels impossible.
|
| Thankfully yesterday I was finally able to put her into daycare
| and the weight that was lifted from my shoulders was immense.
|
| I'm honestly worried for the future and I might just have to quit
| my job if it comes to it. But that's just life. I never knew it
| could be so brutal.
| tasuki wrote:
| My partner died of cancer when our daughter was one and half
| years old. The year before that was a blur, I quit my job to
| focus on helping the two.
|
| Brutal is a good word to describe it. Hang in there! Your life
| might get better yet some time in the future...
| cryptozeus wrote:
| Perfectly timed article ! I went through this last month, had a
| major panic attack and realized I had totally forgotten about
| myself. First thing I started doing was focus on physical health
| as that works faster and is easier to manage than mental health.
| parpfish wrote:
| i wish there were more resources for caregivers tending to family
| with mental health issues.
|
| unlike a physical illness or disabilities where there are clearly
| defined caregiving tasks (e.g., helping with mobility, bathing,
| administering medication), it's primarily emotional/mental burden
| where you can't just ask a stranger to stop by and help out for a
| couple days (not to say that there isn't a mental/emotional
| burden with all forms of caregiving).
|
| couple that with the social stigma many people feel about mental
| health issues, you will most likely have to fulfill your
| caregiving role secretly in the privacy of your home so it isn't
| possible to find a community of other people in a similar
| situation.
|
| it's overwhelming and isolating. and when you do start looking
| for resources on how to take care of yourself or searching for
| some community where you could vent and feel understood... all
| you'll find are lists of tips for "here's how to help your loved
| one start therapy". i know they mean well, but it just reinforces
| the idea that you were wrong to have been thinking about your own
| needs and you really just need to be _more_ selfless and _more_
| dedicated to supporting your loved ones.
| JimmyBuckets wrote:
| I see you. My wife has bpd. It's such a hard condition to
| explain, and most people in my life (even my loved ones) are so
| far removed from the experience it sometimes feels like I am
| talking about my experience visiting another planet. And this
| is from people that love me and are trying to support.
|
| Couple that with the "top 10 tips" as you said and it's just
| soul-crushing.
|
| Thankfully I have finally found some people who are in similar
| situations and even the feeling of being seen brings so much
| relief.
| m463 wrote:
| People in these situations should learn about codependency.
|
| Although most people think of codependency in terms of unhealthy
| love relationships, it is also common for caregivers.
|
| The idea is NOT that you should stop caring, or walk away.
|
| It is sort of adopting a "healthy neutrality" frame of mind, and
| give/function well.
| JimmyBuckets wrote:
| "Codependent no more" - Melanie Beattie. Changed my life.
| gettingthrew wrote:
| I've been a caretaker off and on for about half a decade now. I
| also have chronic often debilitating illnesses. Sometimes we are
| both in inoperable states and it can be scary. My ability to work
| remote is probably the reason we aren't on disability or in the
| gutter.
|
| Not looking for pitty or kudos I work hard and pay the bills. I
| only want everyone to take a deep breath before they crap all
| over someone at work, or sniff at a resume. You never know what
| someone's situation is. Usually that's when someone has to leave
| to recover because corporate structure doesn't support
| disappearing for a week when PTO has run out.
| dandigangi wrote:
| Always nice to see content like this come up. It's a struggle to
| do self care. Wrote something about this last week because I've
| been struggling for awhile too.
|
| https://www.dandigangi.com/blog/self-care-is-really-really-h....
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