[HN Gopher] Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how ...
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Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn
out?
For various life reasons, I developed depression, and I am autistic
and have ADHD (diagnosed, treated). I didn't get treatment for my
ADHD till after college. The point of this Ask HN isn't to start a
pity party, but I am just getting some data on how others like me
are doing. I have an ACE score of 6. Currently, I look
accomplished to people, but I don't feel accomplished. My estimated
networth is maybe 300K or more with home equity. My biggest concern
with my quality of life is I don't feel safe (don't ask). So
what's your ACE score, and how satisfied are you with your life?
ACE quiz: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-
shots/2015/03/02/3870079...
Author : askHN2024
Score : 323 points
Date : 2024-09-14 22:47 UTC (2 days ago)
| PaulHoule wrote:
| I don't have anything fashionable like ADHD or Autism or Dyslexia
| but I do have something you've never heard of
|
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypy
|
| Which doesn't have an autism-industrial complex or addictive pill
| mill complex behind it which is why you've never heard of it.
|
| I got numerous psych evals that always missed it, the first was
| before STPD (highly flawed, missing at least 1/3 of the
| phenomenon including the one that looks like 'ADHD') was added to
| the DSM. Maxxed all sub scales in the Weschler IQ test except for
| problem solving where I was just one SD over the mean (my brain
| shorting out caused that). I'm terrible at chess but got really
| good at math in college despite never being able to score better
| than 90% on a math quiz in high school. (got a PhD in theoretical
| physics). My verbal intelligence is too high to measure because
| I've maxxed every test I've tried. As a kid I would go to the
| YMCA every Saturday for gym and swim and then check out 10 books
| from the public library and more or less I do that today.
|
| I'm an arch reductionist and don't believe in any of it but I am
| great with crystal balls, dowsing rods and ouija boards. Knowing
| what I know now I should have been an onmyoji. Somehow I can't
| form a 'whole' the way other people though but I can hold two
| contradictory systems inside myself simultaneously. I can be a
| bridge between two groups for a while but eventually it goes bad.
|
| Got bullied as a kid, graduated from elementary school the same
| way Ender Wiggin did. No complaints about parents but they were
| working class and had no idea how to help me in professional
| life, couldn't afford to get me more than one year in a private
| school. (Where the bullying stopped) Got a lot of great
| opportunities, blew many of them.
|
| Been with the same woman for 30 years, had a child, had steady
| work except for the times I didn't. My rank in terms of 'living
| in a beautiful place' is probably better than my karma rank on
| HN. My wealth is probably better than the median for my cohort
| but I haven't 'made it big'.
|
| I still do strange off putting things that drive some people away
| (always failed at trying to have an affair); I understand a lot
| know about the how and why but it is very hard to stop. When my
| condition is inflamed I have paranoid ideation towards physical
| objects (I was waving my arms around but it sure seemed I was
| attacked by the potted plant I knocked down) or family (why the
| hell is my wife standing where my pills are and why did she move
| right to the sink after I got them?)
|
| There is very little clinical data on my condition, I'm a bit
| afraid I'll get really mean and psychotic if I develop dementia.
|
| I am sure some of you who think you have ADHD and/or autism have
| it too.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| You sound like someone I'd love to have a beer with, cheers! I
| am glad you were able to overcome bad stuff in life and feel
| overall okay!
|
| I know it may not necessarily be correct, but my self-performed
| assessments from online quizzes of Schizotypal disorder are
| negative or minimal. It's good to have information about such
| conditions, regardless.
| VirusNewbie wrote:
| I scored 3.
|
| Took me a while to actually try hard things, because I was afraid
| of failure.
|
| It wasn't until my mid thirties I started really pushing myself,
| embracing the fact that failure was a part of life, and changing
| my trajectory in a dramatic way.
|
| ~7 years later, I've got a nice house (2M), 1M in the bank, 2
| kids, loving wife, and a handful of close friends I see often.
|
| It was a tough road getting here, but life is good.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| Amazing, thanks for sharing!
|
| I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this, so it's
| helpful to see how others have done. It's helpful to me as a
| guide of sorts.
|
| I appreciate you sharing your experiences!
| sibeliuss wrote:
| I can very much relate here. Ace score of 5. Took me until
| until my mid thirties as well to shake it and start to try, and
| I'm happy I did.
| euranon96 wrote:
| I scored 6, I turned my life "around" in some sense and pursued
| software engineering at 22 years old, after just neglecting my
| own wellbeing for at the time feeling like ages. Now at 28 I'm a
| senior engineer in a international corporation, it's not a tech
| company, but still something that i can feel good about.
| relationships and hobbies are good, but the pressure from
| performing on all fronts is some times so much that i fall into
| dysfunction and despair. but i feel like im building better
| coping mechanisms all the time when paying attention
| askHN2024 wrote:
| You sound awesome, good for you! Coping mechanisms can get
| tricky if they're around food, drinks or drugs. I try to be
| mindful about these as well.
| MrMan wrote:
| I never heard of the ACE score, I just took a quiz and I would
| score a 6. I am a failure since high school, never went to
| college and had a period of 12 years of scraping the bottom of
| the barrel but I got a tech support job through a friend after
| not touching a computer for 15 years and then retaught myself
| programming after not doing any since middle school. managed to
| leverage that into a job at a quant trading firm by luck. I am
| still a failure but I have used my ability to learn and absorb
| information to build a stable life. success is always just beyond
| arms reach but luckily success doesnt matter I am just happy to
| be alive able to keep learning and making things. and now I have
| LLMs to help me
| 13of40 wrote:
| You sound successful relative to where you could have ended up.
| EdwardDiego wrote:
| I got 5, was annoyed it only asked about mothers being hit, when
| it was my mother doing the hitting, learned how to take a punch
| from her... ...but anyway, turned out alright I think.
|
| I mean, one rather disastrous marriage, but I've got full custody
| of my amazing kids.
|
| And yeah, I'm the same, don't feel accomplished but reality is
| I'm doing financially better than most people in my country.
|
| I am currently working on undoing a lifetime of negativity
| towards myself, left home at 15, never graduated from high
| school, never got a degree, but have managed to take some
| computer science papers via correspondence. (Diagnosed with ADHD
| at 40, but obviously had it as a kid, my mother preferred a
| pseudo-science approach, which didn't work)
| askHN2024 wrote:
| You've accomplished something to be proud of. I am in the same
| place, working on dealing with a lot of negativity towards
| myself. I hope you find your way out of it too. Best of luck!
| diob wrote:
| Yeah, I wouldn't take the score too seriously. Nothing about
| various types of abuse beyond some random measures. I think
| it's just a quick heuristic, nothing scientific.
| BugsBunny1991 wrote:
| How smart are you really if you're going to let society's idea of
| "gifted" hang over you?
| dennis_jeeves2 wrote:
| Yes, that's an important point, and so does many society's idea
| of what constitutes: 'successful', 'leadership' and many other
| things.
|
| Society = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2xlQaimsGg
| greazy wrote:
| A lot of comments and yours are heavily focusing on materialistic
| and financial status. While money or access to it is important to
| feel safe, it is not all there is to measure and compare.
|
| What about friends and family? Partners? Children? Activities?
| Hobbies?
|
| I scored a 2 it I noticed a lot of the questions focused on
| physical and alcoholic/drug abuse. I grew up in a
| culture/religion where none of these things existed but my I
| would classify my family and up bringing as dysfunctional and
| emotionally neglected.
|
| Financially, I don't own a house nor can I afford one where I
| live. My job is secure and pays plenty to live comfortably
| renting. I don't think I will be able to retire in my country due
| to the cost of living.
|
| I have no hobbies and very little friends. None Id call good
| friends. I have a partner and a dog.
|
| Overall I'm happy with my life.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| I am glad you scored a 2! I understand that such scores do not
| adequately capture the severity of someone's circumstances,
| even if they say yes to one question.
|
| I like to think I am working myself up to a partner and a dog,
| but opening to people is hard. It's a work in progress.
| tomcam wrote:
| For me material and financial success represent dramatically
| increased safety. My goal was not to live in the same kind of
| gang infested place I grew up in. And it means I can afford the
| $50k a year I pay in health insurance for first-rate medical
| care.
| keyboardcaper wrote:
| This is how gangs benefit the economy.
| EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK wrote:
| 50k a year is a gang extortion rate.
| tomcam wrote:
| Very grateful I can afford it. Shitload of preexisting
| conditions in my family.
| mrangle wrote:
| I took the quiz, but am going to decline to give a score or other
| info. Maybe consider me to be qualified to comment, however.
|
| I understand "unsafe', albeit this is a little vague. But I get
| it. Given that, I surmise that your core resultant issue is
| unyielding anxiety. That's rough, and arguably the roughest.
|
| What you are likely missing is truly competent support. Which
| would be either a smart family member, a rare engaged friend, or
| a rare professional. That's what most Autistic 1 people will be
| missing: a talented mediator between them and the world. Double
| plus so if the patient has trauma (ie: ACE 6).
|
| If you are lacking true support, you are lucky that you aren't
| underemployed or even homeless. In that, you are quite
| accomplished. Keep in mind that many or even most other people in
| your divergent position aren't so. Good on you.
|
| In my opinion, everyone with Autism 1 should be considered to be
| at risk for homelessness and provided with engaged support by one
| institution or another (under insurance). And that there should
| be specialists trained to socially assist those with Autism 1.
| Not with social training, but with workplace and associated
| mediation. And then with expert career guidance as a distant
| second. Logically in my opinion, a next step for screening the
| homeless and drug addicts, after they get clean, should be for
| autism.
|
| Relentlessly seek that support, even if you have to pay for it,
| in order to help to continue to assure your good status. It may
| take awhile to find, but the search doesn't start until it does.
|
| I'm a little bit curious about comorbid autism and ADHD. I'd make
| a mid-confidence wager that you are referring to ADHD-PI. On a
| personal note, I think that ADHD-PI is usually if not always a
| symptom of Autism 1. In other words, it is a spectrum symptom.
| But if the meds help, then they do.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| The co-occurrence of these conditions is an extensive area of
| research, there is some evidence which suggests what you're
| saying, and other evidence which says the two conditions are
| distinct. I also read somewhere that both conditions are in
| fact part of a larger, underlying one. Here's an interesting
| paper on the genetic profiles
| https://www.nature.com/articles/s41588-022-01171-3
|
| Thanks for sharing your insights, I think you're absolutely
| right about the role and need for a mentor.
| shermantanktop wrote:
| Got a 3, product of the gifted ed system, with a few other
| challenges that aren't counted in ACE, plus a healthy dash of
| what could be called self-sabotage as I began to make my adult
| way.
|
| Now, decades later, I'm doing fine, better than fine actually,
| but relative my fears I am doing unbelievably fantastically. Of
| course, relative to the sense of limitless potential that the
| gifted ed system tends to implant, I should have invented cold
| fusion by now.
|
| I long ago decided that the past was interesting but a terrible
| place to live. I consciously try hard to look forward and think
| about what I can do and not about what could have been or what
| other shadows might be lurking. That's not advice, it's just what
| I've done.
| aegis4244 wrote:
| My score was an 8. Depression of course. All the usual
| problems.Thought I was unhappy because no one loved me. Turned
| out to be the opposite. Found my own key to a joyful life at 31.
| Had my first child. Cared for someone else more than myself. Cut
| off all contact with my family 13 years ago, except my kids.
| Second best decision I ever made. Best was choosing to raise my
| girl on my own. You cant fix toxic people, but you can leave
| them. Later I met a woman who can tolerate me. She prefers to
| work, is very happy she met a man who would rather hang out with
| our kids than work. I read "The Happiness Equation in my late
| 40's, had already stumbled into my own life solutions, but that
| book really helped explain WHY I felt my life had improved so
| much. You can get to a mental place you feel safe. You only get
| so many trips around the sun, take them with a smile, never waste
| a moment comparing yourself to anyone else. Best of luck.
| tomcam wrote:
| Beaten, neglected, molested, unsafe, etc. Many family & friends
| died from drugs, disease, poor life choices. Read books on
| success & business. Moved out at 16. Taught myself programming
| and business. Married a hot smart fellow nerd. Got good jobs,
| bought a business and monetized it. Had fantastic kids. Grateful
| every day to not be where I woke up. Retired to a farm recently.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| Sorry you had a rough start, but so glad you made it out. This
| is so awesome, glad to read it. Good luck to you all!
| tomcam wrote:
| Thank you. Still have nightmares sometimes
| malux85 wrote:
| Congrats, I'm very similar to you I'm just at the monetised it
| phase now, one day I hope to retire to a farm too :)
| tomcam wrote:
| Really more of a hobby farm. Was a dream of mine for 50 years
| before we bought it. Incredibly beautiful.
|
| My best to you and yours. It can be done!
| justmarc wrote:
| Great life story. There's nothing that cannot be achieved
| if you set your sights on it (and persist).
| tomcam wrote:
| One of my kids calls my childhood a horror story lol.
| Haven't told them a lot either.
| malux85 wrote:
| Thank you! Yes I think mine would be a hobby farm too, I
| want some cute lambs and a goat and somewhere to have some
| orange trees, that's about it ^.^
| throwaway6734 wrote:
| Congratulations and thank you for breaking the cycle.
| tomcam wrote:
| Thanks much. That was indeed my goal.
| taylorhou wrote:
| ACE score of 0. Based on the questions, I had a gifted
| upbringing. I need to do more with my life considering.
| hiAndrewQuinn wrote:
| ACE = 4 here, 30 years old for reference. Pretty satisfied!
|
| My net worth is currently less than a tenth of yours, however,
| because to get here I took the drastic step of moving to Europe
| and going no contact with my immediate family for a couple of
| years.
|
| I chose to focus on getting married and starting a wonderful
| family first, with the woman of my dreams there, before I started
| really stepping on the career gas pedal, and I think that was
| absolutely the right choice for me at the time.
| luu wrote:
| Scored a 6 or a 7, depending on the answer to one question that
| I'm not sure of. I think more likely 7 than 6.
|
| This pretty obviously impacted my happiness when I lived with an
| abusive parent and I have some physical issues that could
| possibly be related to starving so much as a kid and some others
| that fall out of not getting basic dental care, but I don't think
| it's obvious that my background is a dominant factor in how happy
| or satisfied I am. I find it plausible that my resilience in
| certain situations is lower than it otherwise would be due to my
| background, but it's not clear that it's even lower than average
| in those situations. And, overall, I was probably happier and
| more satisfied with my life than most people starting a couple
| years after moving out on my own until a few years ago.
|
| Maybe the version of me that wasn't abused so much as a kid
| would've been even happier or maybe that version would still have
| above average life satisfaction today, but maybe not.
| kingkongjaffa wrote:
| I got a 6.
|
| My university scholarships were based on a few factors including
| my area code / postal code being considered as "deprived" meaning
| high crime, low income and low education attainment.
|
| I personally don't have any issues (I don't think).
| childintime wrote:
| I think you have to grow up a bit. There's more to life than the
| rat race, and if you score high, you should be participating in
| the direction of life. Not just follow the crumbs laid down by
| others. Or chose their side.
|
| You're not a rat, and it helps other people if you don't act like
| one scared little mouse. Especially if you got decent brains.
| It's hurts them morally when they have to compete with you when
| they should have an ally.
|
| Yeah, there is so much pressure to just stop living (and follow
| the crumbs), and there's no way to achieve anything of worth
| outside of it. No friends for example, supposedly. As we all are
| trapped, and we do it to ourselves, self apply the Matrix and
| tragically be the enemy of our loving destiny.
|
| Those who realize they are trapped have traditionally, and
| wisely, kneeled to Christ, and have typically been rewarded with
| a new life. Amen. But if you have decent brains you might also
| compassionately reason a way out, or identify those that have
| done so, and join their quest.
|
| Stop living your life as if it's just you. It's not. The rat race
| lies about you. And the collective lies about you. Grow a spine.
| These are the facts of life. And as Christianity fades they get
| pushed into our faces. We have to deal with a self serving
| collective, that makes us into enemies. Especially us in the
| software realm mindlessly masturbate to our own bank accounts,
| while we know better, and that political future needs us. Instead
| we mindlessly empower ever bigger titans. Karma will come round.
|
| Yes this alternative future needs a business model, to take care
| of the individuals that are currently starved out of resistance,
| including by you, and out of their potential to be the good they
| know they can be.
|
| While there is no business, you still have an excuse. But once it
| exists, in it you'll be working to empower the ones on your side,
| fully and completely sharing your life. Our beautiful but
| deficient society demands it is so extreme, for it itself is a
| tangent.
|
| Therefore the king shall work his way up, and be compassionate.
| And as he rises the powers that be will see an enemy, and will
| fight with fud. And all what their profits can buy. But they will
| also see a prophecy taking aim at them. The angels in high
| heaven, and their master, which surely do not exist, right?
|
| Do what is right and the future will come to you.
| bendigedig wrote:
| I would be wary of drawing conclusions from this cohort you are
| questioning on hacker news.
|
| It almost certainly holds only a small portion of the individuals
| from rough childhood backgrounds.
|
| And don't forget that a number suffering the most will have taken
| the 'ultimate opt-out' from this forum.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| I get what you're saying, but knowing other people had similar
| experiences and found some measure of life satisfaction is
| helpful to me, and I hope it's also helpful to someone else.
| rendx wrote:
| I have an ACE score of 6. I vastly benefit from trauma therapy:
| EMDR, IoPT (constellations), hypnotherapy, somatic experiencing,
| nonviolent communication. It helped me get out of most of my
| previous addictions, and I do not need to take any medication. I
| consider myself to be quite happy, and was able to build secure
| attachments and bonds.
| mrangle wrote:
| Which was most helpful? Or if you can't pick one then what were
| the best two?
| dieseleweasel wrote:
| ACE score of 6.
|
| I'm in my mid twenties. Got a decent SWE job, net worth around 0$
| but I just got rid of most of my debts which is nice.
|
| Extremely anxious all the time and depressed, still traumatized
| by a lot of stuff, zero social life at the moment, never managed
| to maintain any long term relationships(both in terms of friends
| and partners), not great physical health but it's getting better.
|
| I'm not completely unsatisfied with my life, given the
| circumstances it was much more likely to be a lot worse. But it
| definitely could be a lot better.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| I think you're doing so, so well. I have reservations about
| making close relationships too because of my past, so it's a
| common pattern amongst people with traumatic experiences. I
| plan to try out a hobby group but time hasn't been so flexible.
|
| I've seen other people fall into the trap of thinking that
| their body is a meatbag for their brain. I've personally found
| that exercise helps me so much with both reducing depressive
| symptoms and maintaining focus.
|
| Hope you find whatever it is which you think will make your
| life better, take care!
| brudgers wrote:
| All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is
| unhappy in its own way.
|
| The ACE test is convenient and that makes it useful. It validates
| people's experiences and that makes it a good thing.
|
| I have a pretty clear idea of how and why my childhood was the
| way it was. I could stretch and analog my lived experiences to
| fit the questions.
|
| Gifted has been bullshit in the water where I swim for a long
| time. Invisible. Dissolved. Gifted was a reason to be othered.
| Formally. Informally. By institutions, neighbors, family.
|
| The ACE questions were useful to me this morning. As a starting
| point. I'd forgotten how being labeled gifted actually felt.
| Worse things have happened to other people. I am not competing.
| Good luck.
| bookofjoe wrote:
| Tolstoy, "Anna Karenina" (1873)
| brudgers wrote:
| More relevant to my comment,the anna karenina principle:
|
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Karenina_principle
| bookofjoe wrote:
| This is the first I've ever heard of the principle:
| excellent stuff.
| brudgers wrote:
| I first heard the idea in a video where Thiel used the
| quote. I think it was a YC Dtartup School video on
| YouTube.
|
| Here the quote for the principle hewed closer to the
| subject than ordinarily. Tolstoy's "cheery white crosses"
| probably deserves its own principle too.
| bookofjoe wrote:
| Maybe it's time for me to reread the book.
| brudgers wrote:
| For me, it will remain a book I can talk about not one
| I've read. Solzhenitsyn is the extent of my Russian
| literature.
| bradlys wrote:
| 7
|
| I'd say the biggest struggle hasn't been financial independence,
| overcoming a rough childhood, or getting out of rural hell - it's
| been dating. That was set in stone by my genetics being such
| trash. I'm 34 and only ever had one partner who would only stay
| with me on the condition that I paid for everything and would
| receive no emotional support.
|
| By most measures, I am far more successful than most people you'd
| meet but I consider myself one of the least successful people
| because all I've ever wanted is for someone to love me and to
| build a loving family. Life is cruel.
| meiraleal wrote:
| Are you in your top fitness condition? Most of the times,
| looking good means being in your top health condition, right
| body weight and % bodyfat below 13% (for men).
| bradlys wrote:
| Yes. I'm facially ugly.
| dw_arthur wrote:
| Get plastic surgery if your desire to find a partner is
| this great.
| bradlys wrote:
| I've already had it and am planning more. It's not
| sufficient. Some of us are born with faces that western
| doctors cannot figure out how to fix.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| I am sorry you're going through that. I am not in a rural
| place, but I feel isolated all the same because I mask
| everything. I feel that if I trust someone enough, I'll open up
| to them. I am working up to it.
|
| Be wary of advice which says you need to be good looking to
| expect reasonable behavior from a partner. I've been told I am
| attractive, but it can sometimes bring the wrong kind of
| attention that doesn't really provide emotional support and
| personal wellbeing.
|
| Looking good can be its own reward, but it's not a requirement
| for finding a close relationship, I think.
|
| Take care.
| 486sx33 wrote:
| I don't think my history is important but I grew up in a home of
| 5 children (I'm the oldest), single (divorced) mother with far
| under the poverty line for a single person income.
|
| I don't know this test is very good, but my score was 7
|
| My situation was not great, but I had many neighbors and friends
| in school with far worse situations.
|
| I think, and have come to believe that, a difficult upbringing
| has many benefits in later life .
|
| 1. You know right from wrong, you've seen wrong 2. Empathy comes
| easier to you 3. You know exactly what you don't want your life
| to look like 4. You value opportunity 5. You aren't scared of
| people who have less wealth than you - further, you can figure
| out, quickly, who is poor but ambitious to improve their life, or
| poor and doesn't care about anything. 6. Drugs are pure EVIL
|
| All of my siblings have excellent careers now and excellent
| family lives, we all have wonderful spouses and there are 17
| grandchildren with 1 more on the way!
|
| I had over 1 million in net worth at 35. This continues to
| improve but doesn't matter to me anymore, that was my milestone.
|
| I don't do scams, I don't rip people off, I don't do work or take
| money to help others accomplish dishonest goals. I am comfortable
| working alone or in groups. In groups took a lot of work.
|
| Please, believe in the power of positive thinking. This was key
| for me.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| Thanks to all for sharing their experiences. To me, this thread
| has been like sharing battle scars. I am not trying to make light
| of people who have actual battle scars, my respect to them too.
| taurath wrote:
| ACE is 7. Done more in the social realm and have a lot of friends
| and close relationships. Prioritized life stability in work over
| my 20s and early 30s to decent but not overwhelming success by
| self-teaching coding, but all of it started to unravel and I had
| to take years off from work to work on trauma, which really
| decimated my savings, but gave me a new lease on life and I feel
| like a lot of my traumas are processed now and I can live a real
| life. I spent most of my 20s remembering maybe a dozen total
| events from before I was in high school.
|
| I'm currently looking to come back to work after 3 years off
| which is feeling extremely difficult. Places I apply obviously
| don't want to know what I've been through, and so I have to fight
| the assumption that I didn't have a job because of competence.
| Nearly went on long term disability but found it so onerous and
| restrictive I'd have rather died.
|
| Just want to work again at this point so I can have a hope of not
| retiring poor - I never once expected to live this long.
| scruple wrote:
| I'm fine today but the decade following high school graduation
| was really rough for me. Stints of homelessness, substance abuse,
| depression, run-ins with law enforcement (some deserved, some
| not). I ended up enlisted in the military to escape my situation
| and it worked out for me. I'm in AAA games today but have had a
| good career in software engineering and we could probably retire
| today if we were willing to move to a LCOL area. But we aren't,
| because...
|
| Today we have a rich and deep group of close friends, mostly
| formed around our children, and I pour myself into my family
| obligations. I'm trying to develop small communities where I live
| and it's starting to pan out. Again, it's primarily based around
| our children, but we've developed some lasting connections with a
| couple of other parents.
|
| I'm currently building a 2D 16-bit platformer with my (twin)
| daughters, who are 5. I let them pick out some asset packs to use
| and, once I get this level editor finished, will have them help
| build levels. My aim is to get it running on a SteamDeck (will
| just copy the required files over) and let them play it on the TV
| via the dock. They've seen a bit of Mario and Zelda so far and
| are curious for more. I figured this way would be a bit more
| hands-on and they could get some sense of how the sausage gets
| made.
| effingwewt wrote:
| Aside- why is OP heavily flagged and dead for perfectly
| substantive and even supportive comments.
| KolenCh wrote:
| My ACE score is 7, but I don't feel like that for 2 reasons:
|
| 1. there are some questions that technically I should answer
| "Yes", but is of milder scale of the spectrum. 2. I occasionally
| shared my upbringing to other people, and they are all very
| surprised. Once I shared with a group of "trainee chaplains", the
| teachers are commenting something like "why I'm describing my
| experience without the emotion", that is, when I talked about
| something very sad, I am smiling when saying it out. And they
| also pointed out that I often are asking "why" when facing
| different situations. I.e. I tends to become "philosophical".
|
| May be because of my upbringing then, I loved mathematics since I
| was a kid. I remember myself once said when I was very young, "I
| love mathematics because it concerns truth, that is independent
| of our existence, nor the existence of the universe for that
| matter." In the hindsight, I think it might be some sort of
| protective mechanism for me to escape from the reality.
|
| But perhaps because of my upbringing, I've taken many detours in
| life. When I was in secondary school, I have no motivation to
| study anything, and so my academic results were very bad.
| Fortunately, I like to read books, and got interested in popular
| books on math and physics, and also read a lot of computer
| magazines. That helps me having good grades in those subjects.
| Eventually I was discovered to be gifted because of physics
| olympiad. And that changed the course of my life. Had that didn't
| happen, I'm not sure if I would even got into university, let
| alone having a PhD.
|
| So in this sense the "gifted" part of your question becomes my
| ticket to get out of my "hard life".
|
| Unfortunately, life is complicated. First, having a "hard life",
| I don't have anyone to guide me making good decisions. Like the
| sort of decisions about making life choices, how to pursue goal
| in life (or resist the temptation to pursue too many goals), etc.
| Or work ethics, self-disipline, etc. Raw talent can only help so
| far, and as I ages I found that while my will can be strong, my
| body is getting weaker (e.g. can't get too much all nighters
| anymore.) Finally, I made a fatal mistakes to want to help
| everyone, including my parents. That puts me into a financial
| disaster and almost ruined my career and life.
|
| How satisfied am I with my life now? "Thinking" helps. As a
| christian studying the bible theologically, it does shape my
| world view in a way I can "let go" and don't dwell in the
| hardship I had. As a researcher, my "thinking" is my primary
| value to get a job. A bonus of being a researcher is that I'm far
| away from home, so that I get much less connected with those
| negativity back home than in the past, and the change in my
| wellbeing is noticeable to my wife. Loving "thinking" means I
| love reading and listening to podcasts, enriching my perspectives
| in life.
|
| The most fulfilling part of my life is my family, I have a lovely
| wife, a lovely baby.
|
| Financially we aren't brilliant. But somehow, even as both my
| wife and I grew up from very poor families, we don't value money
| too much. I just don't find it motivating to make a ton of money,
| nor measures my success based on that. (It doesn't mean we don't
| have financial stress, as supporting a family of 3 including a
| baby in the UK is quite harsh.)
|
| I feel that your life is getting better, but not to the point you
| felt satisfied yet. I hope you'll find your satisfaction, and
| meanwhile, don't worry too much. You have seen many hardships.
| You're tough and you can handle it when it comes. Don't dwell too
| much on those that may come though. Good luck!
| binary132 wrote:
| Very uplifting read, thanks for sharing. God be with you and
| your family.
| chasd00 wrote:
| ACR score of 7 all the people involved in that score are dead
| save for 1. Don't have any contact with that person except over a
| group SMS chat and it's fine. I'm 48, married, two awesome
| teenage boys and doing well. Not sure why, all the therapists
| over the years I've seen with my wife are typically just
| perplexed by me. I do what brings me joy and take care of those
| that depend on me, that's it. That strategy has worked out ok so
| far so I'll keep doing it until it doesn't. _shrug_
| rtaylorgarlock wrote:
| Do you agree with the assessment that having kids can help with
| handling of some of these growth or lack of development
| challenges? I've heard that from a few high-ACE score fathers
| and I appreciate the advice. My wife and I are heading that
| direction for multiple reasons, including my own personal
| growth.
| bluesroo wrote:
| ACE of 6, father of 3 under 7. I love fatherhood, but it is
| easily the most difficult leap of faith I've taken in my
| life. A majority of my coping mechanisms were based around
| quiet time to myself and that basically doesn't exist anymore
| for me.
|
| Children are a deeply personal choice that make basically no
| sense. They are the ultimate selfless act, and much of the
| emotional damage children suffer is due to their parents not
| understanding this. They are exhausting, expensive, and time
| consuming... until you die. And every time you decide to use
| them for your own gain, it will cost them something.
|
| To more directly address your point: children will force you
| to cope with their existence. Whether you have the ability to
| introspect on yourself during the process can turn that into
| growth is on you, not them.
| varelse wrote:
| ACE score of 5. I turned out badly. Rich, but badly. Just ask any
| of the data faking cheating scientists I channeled my trauma into
| exposing who got me kicked out of academia. But that's how I got
| rich. Money changes everything.
|
| You will never feel safe. You will instead build a life, a
| portfolio, and a network of friends as a surrogate for feeling
| safe. And you can trust my words, I'm shadowbanned.
| trogdor wrote:
| > Just ask any of the data faking cheating scientists I
| channeled my trauma into exposing who got me kicked out of
| academia. But that's how I got rich.
|
| I don't know what you are referring to, but I am curious. Would
| you explain?
| varelse wrote:
| It's the past. I've let go of it as much as I can. But I will
| always have what if questions about it. But broadly, academia
| was a dead-end. I should have never gotten a doctorate, it
| was a waste of time. And I doubly should never have done a
| post-doc because that's indentured labor. The day I left
| academia my salary more than tripled my income, an experience
| many sorts in AI encountered more recently. Unless one is
| born into wealth, academia is a horrible choice IMO. And too
| many of the tenured sorts calling the shots are some of the
| most unethical sorts I've ever met. Ironically, the most
| ethical team I ever worked with was at a hedge fund likely
| because it's pretty hard to hide the loss of funds at one.
| And everything else has been between those two extremes.
| ryandv wrote:
| ACE of 7, labelled as "gifted" as some point but was somehow
| talked out of pursuing accelerated education programs by a
| parent, grew increasingly disenchanted with the education system
| but managed to get my shit together enough to make it into a top-
| tier university program until family issues re-emerged and I
| ended up dropping out.
|
| Still made it out OK as a homeowner with no student debt, but
| between the first 20-odd years of my life spent limping along and
| trying to pick up the pieces from my "adverse childhood" and
| another 4 or so odd years of pandemic lockdown, it feels like
| much of my early life was taken from me against my will.
|
| I am satisfied with my achievements in spite of my tumultuous
| upbringing. That being said there will always be an undercurrent
| of "wasted potential" or "what if" I had the fortune of more
| fortuitous life circumstances.
|
| As a sidebar I also am absolutely apoplectic with the blatantly
| sexist assumption in one of the ACE questions that it is the
| father who physically abuses the mother or threatens them with a
| weapon, but given that this is NPR I am not surprised.
| sagolikasoppor wrote:
| How do you know if you're gifted?
| Marsymars wrote:
| Presumably you get told you're gifted by the education system
| following some assessment.
|
| Personally, I'd never even _heard_ of the term "gifted" until
| I left home for university, it wasn't a thing that existed in
| the rural location where I grew up.
| trogdor wrote:
| Was school consistently easier for you than it was for your
| classmates? Was it _much_ easier for you? How about compared to
| your smartest classmates?
|
| I think the answers to those questions are pretty strong
| indicators. Fundamentally, though, IMO most people who are
| gifted know it.
| opengated wrote:
| Seems like it's since been reworked, but before 2014 elementary
| kids in the US were tested and potentially placed in the GATE
| Program[1] based on their results.
|
| [1] https://www.cde.ca.gov/sp/gt/
| minticecream wrote:
| "Gifted" is of course a spectrum. You'd know if you were
| smarter than the average bear if you got put up a class, put
| into "the smart kids class", or got selected for various
| leadership programs etc.
|
| Of course not everywhere would have such programs, but there
| will likely be other tell-tale signs as well.
| ninetyninenine wrote:
| The most quantitative measure is IQ. People like to criticize
| it but in psychology it is the most empirically verified number
| that correlates with so many things.
| Clubber wrote:
| >How do you know if you're gifted?
|
| When I was growing up, it meant you scored 130 or higher on an
| IQ test administered by a professional psychologist. For me, I
| had this administered in 3rd grade. I assume some teacher
| suggested I get tested.
| eastbound wrote:
| My ACE is 0 (lucky me, my solidarity goes to all of you).
| Although childhood problems are a grave impediment for life, do
| you think you come out stronger / more brave than people with no
| problem?
|
| For example I turned out a workaholic because I couldn't find how
| to have success in my affective life. I'm 40, fit, correctly
| rich, but with a deep unsatisfaction about romantic life. Should
| I just be brave about it and satisfy myself with being single, or
| would a brave person deal about it?
| galivanter wrote:
| The research shows that people come out less strong. Bravery is
| different, I think that's highly individual. Some people who
| seek out extreme thrills and adrenaline do so because their
| brain and nervous system are hardwired for dangerous
| environments, and it's the only way they can feel normal.
|
| You have to work to find silver linings, opportunity in chaos
| and vice versa.
|
| To your own issue, bravery would be taking action to address
| your dissatisfaction. That could mean therapy, or putting
| yourself out there, but in any case takes the very real bravery
| of developing self-awareness and honesty so you can identify
| what you need to do.
| cbanek wrote:
| ACE score of 7. I kept my head down at home with abusive parents
| and did everything I could to leave that environment as soon as
| possible. Got admitted into a state school for the gifted where
| you lived on campus.
|
| I've been diagnosed with bipolar and depression, but I've had
| what most people would probably consider a successful career, but
| every day been a struggle. I've always struggled with depression
| and feeling abandoned by my family. Pretty much have a life by
| myself with very few people involved. I don't talk with my
| family.
|
| Decades of therapy and medication, and it honestly really doesn't
| help.
| bookofjoe wrote:
| This is the first time I've heard of an ACE score; I had to look
| up what it stood for:
| https://www.christineortollcharity.org/post/adverse-childhoo...
|
| I suspect I'm not the only one here in this boat.
| trogdor wrote:
| It's defined in the link at the end of the post.
| bookofjoe wrote:
| Should I have to click on a link to find out what an acronym
| cited in a post means?
| CaveTech wrote:
| Yes
| quicklime wrote:
| It's not unreasonable to expect, but also in this case the
| meaning of the acronym doesn't really matter as much as the
| meaning of the score. The link does to a page that lets you
| do the quiz and see your score, so it's worth clicking.
| walterbell wrote:
| Offline/PDF: https://www.acesaware.org/wp-
| content/uploads/2022/07/ACE-Que...
| layer8 wrote:
| Yes. It's called hypermedia.
| hiddencost wrote:
| Yes, especially if you're going to post. The expectation is
| that if you're posting you've read the article.
| burnte wrote:
| Yes, reading an article to understand the headline has
| always been a critical part of news ingestion.
| theendisney4 wrote:
| No, but if they fail to explain it yes.
| itishappy wrote:
| I dunno man, but your reply with a link and no definitions
| didn't address that.
| conductr wrote:
| My first time hearing of it too, am ACE 10.
|
| In my mid 40s and have been having an increasing desiring for
| no particular reason to unpack some baggage. I think I've done
| ok in life generally, much better than the course my childhood
| put me on, but I think I've suppressed a lot of stuff and
| ultimately is starting to wear me down. Most notably, I just
| feel like a fraud a lot of times. My peers talk about how they
| did stuff in college and before (stuff normal people got to
| experience I didn't, going on family vacations and being social
| in college) and I end up just laughing and making some jokes
| and stuff but never have similar stories to share.
|
| I've completely disconnected with my family as a coping
| mechanism for example but now that I have a young kid asking
| about his family on my side it's bringing up some weird
| emotions I hadn't experienced or thought I had dealt with. Idk.
| Maybe therapy is in my near future so I'm glad this is being
| openly discussed here.
| akira2501 wrote:
| > but I think I've suppressed a lot of stuff and ultimately
| is starting to wear me down.
|
| Unpack it. It's easier than you think and more worthwhile
| than you might guess. It's not some massive liberating
| experience but it can remove some blocks and make change a
| more familiar sight in your life.
|
| > and I end up just laughing and making some jokes and stuff
| but never have similar stories to share.
|
| Things like this will "get in the way" a lot less often.
|
| > bringing up some weird emotions I hadn't experienced or
| thought I had dealt with
|
| You have this perspective already. This is actually a great
| sign. Too many people find out at the end of a self inflicted
| tragedy.
| benoau wrote:
| > In my mid 40s and have been having an increasing desiring
| for no particular reason to unpack some baggage.
|
| ACE 6 for me.
|
| 40s is when it caught up with me, and of course kids
| exacerbated it for me too there was a lot of people and
| places I never wanted to see again, in fact when I met my
| wife I told her I was an orphan!
|
| As I got older I started feeling genuinely alien to my
| coworkers, they are so happy and their parents loving and
| their upbringings wholesome. I just feel absolutely stunted
| by comparison, half-developed, half-grown. Weed helped me
| process a lot of my feelings and anger I guess, that's good
| enough for me but as Rambo says: "I've not changed. I just
| try to keep a lid on it".
| wholinator2 wrote:
| Therapy is definitely the way to go here. They're
| professional unpackers. Plus I've never heard someone say
| they regretted starting therapy. I've heard a lot of people
| say they regretted quitting or waiting to start.
| throwway120385 wrote:
| My wife had a really bad experience with therapy when she
| went with postpartum. It's not all sunshine and roses, and
| they can and will switch from "I care about you and want
| you to get better" to "I might need to send people over to
| your house who can separate you from your child" pretty
| quickly. Not seeing the therapist anymore produced a marked
| improvement in her affect.
| conductr wrote:
| I'm kind of worried about something like this where it
| backfires. Not sure it would be the therapist's fault but
| in terms of an "if it ain't broke don't fix it". The
| nagging curiosity of wanting to unpack my baggage is so
| insanely small. I am mostly fine and don't dwell on it
| much at all. As I'm beginning to think it would be nice
| to verbalize the past a bit and how that's made me who I
| am, I'm also not necessarily looking for change and it
| seems overwhelmingly risky that opening the bottle may
| actually cause me to get depressed or somehow interfere
| with the good in my present life. For that reason I've
| held off. It's still a curiosity of mine, it's also
| probably going to take hundreds of hours to fully unpack
| so it's a little expensive too.
| bookofjoe wrote:
| My dad -- whose entire family was killed by the Nazis in
| Lithuania in 1941 after they'd enabled him to escape to
| Sweden and then the U.S. in 1939 when he was 17 -- went
| back to his home there for the first time when he was in
| his 70s.
|
| Upon returning home, he became VERY depressed and it
| persisted for the remaining 8 years of his life.
|
| It was clear to me and my brother that the change from
| his normally upbeat and optimistic self stemmed from
| seeing in person the very places he lived and frequented
| and the memorials to those killed.
| glitchc wrote:
| Please consider therapy. ACE 10 is an incredible score. All
| this baggage you've been carrying, you don't need to carry it
| any further. Therapy will help you unload it all.
| MichaelZuo wrote:
| First time for me too... How is the 'ACE score' even validated
| for people not near the average?
|
| Since presumably 'former gifted children' were in the 99th
| percentile, and above, during the relevant period.
| brightball wrote:
| ACE seems to be 10 questions where you get a point for every
| yes, to assess childhood trauma.
|
| A 10 is the max and a 0 is the min. Based on the questions,
| any score above 0 indicates some level of real trauma.
| MichaelZuo wrote:
| Did you respond to the wrong comment?
|
| My question was trying to expand on what the linked article
| already says.
| brightball wrote:
| Perhaps I misread your comment?
|
| It looked like you were associating ACE with a gifted
| indication. My mistake.
| MichaelZuo wrote:
| I wasn't associating 'ACE' with anything, it's the other
| way around...
|
| i.e. How do we know that anyone, associating any 'ACE
| score', with those far away from the average, is valid?
| as opposed to random conjecture?
|
| I have no opinions on whether any 'association' exists at
| all or not, but clearly at least a few dozen do, hence me
| asking the question.
| Unbefleckt wrote:
| I just got a 6 on the ACE test you linked.
|
| I lost interest in formal education and ended up having a baby
| and dropping out, then going back to study psychology as the
| foundation stuff covers child psychology and development a lot. I
| found a combination of this and being mindful not to repeat the
| mistakes of my parent(s) really helped raising the kids
| incredibly easy. We were never going to be rich, but we were
| happy.
|
| I got into health and fitness, which I always considered lame,
| because my dad died from being unhealthy and unfit and didn't
| want to inflict that pain on my own baby. It helped me think
| clearer and faster and made me feel safe, confident and I became
| quite extroverted. I felt that this and reading a good chunk of
| philosophical literature in my spare time really "fixed" a lot of
| mental health issues I had. I've spent most of my life working
| jobs around my lifestyle, even if it means having less money, I
| seem to be pretty good at living off a small amount of money and
| not living in misery even with the family, I have more in savings
| and investments than people I met that work 2-3x more than me. I
| work less hours so I get more time to read, create, be with
| family, get exercise and sun, meet friends, prepare meals, work
| on community projects etc.
|
| Maybe it's a cope for being constantly told that I'm going to "go
| far" and being too lazy, distracted or disinterested in doing it
| (I wince every time someone praises my intelligence) but I'm
| happy that I have the freedom and opportunities to always be
| improving myself and trying new things, my only complaint is that
| life is too short for me to possibly indulge in everything that
| interests me.
| jzellis wrote:
| I'm not autistic and my family was more emotionally neglectful
| than anything else, but I had a miserable childhood nonetheless.
| I was a child prodigy who could read aloud by two and a half, I
| was studied by pediatric developmental psychologists, etc. IQ of
| 185 at last check, which was 30 years ago.
|
| Unfortunately, I either inherited type two bipolar depression or
| it's just what happens when you're very smart and see the world
| as it is. It has undermined me my entire life. But I also have
| zero competitive streak and I find material ambition
| embarrassing. So I've never been particularly financially
| successful.
|
| Been a coder and writer my entire adult life. Started writing
| professionally when I was 18, had a column in an alt weekly in a
| major city before I was 23 and was Pulitzer nominated when I was
| 25. At the same time I was first a web designer and then a dev.
| I've worked for a few promising startups but they always did what
| most startups do. In retrospect, I was already burned out by the
| mid-2000s but I kept going because I thought I'd either get rich
| or find something worth my time.
|
| Had a heart attack at 38 and another at 42 that nearly killed me.
| Had a triple bypass and moved to England to marry my girlfriend.
| Now I've got heart failure and spinal problems from a lifetime
| hunched over a computer and all the health problems you get from
| a lifetime of being a freelancer or contractor without insurance.
|
| But I've lived an amazing life so far. I've traveled, partied,
| been witness to history, done what I wanted to do and followed my
| heart and will. I've done some good things for the world, I
| think. Now I'm writing a new social network app to fix the
| problems with the existing ones, working on a book about how to
| survive climate collapse if you're not a billionaire, and writing
| the best music I've ever written.
|
| You won't make yourself feel safe by getting rich or powerful.
| You'll feel safe when you've surrounded yourself with people you
| love and trust. That's all. It has nothing to do with success or
| ambition. However you find that, whatever it takes, make _that_
| your ambition. And to use whatever the universe gave you to make
| things less hard on you and everyone you can.
|
| If you're as bright as you seem to be, other people probably seem
| stupid. Maybe they are. But that doesn't make them any less human
| or any less important than you, and if you can see ways to make
| life kinder for them, do it and you'll never regret it.
| Everything else is just ego and self-reinforcement to drown out
| the things in your head that tell you you're not good enough or
| living up to your potential. Fuck that.
|
| If you try as hard as you can to make the world a kinder place
| than you found it, you've won. That's all you can do. That's the
| only real wisdom I've ever found. We are born falling from birth
| to death, and all we can choose is how we use our time in the
| air: we can enjoy the rush of the air in our ears and the view,
| we can try to make sure everybody falling around us has their
| parachute open, or we can open ours without a thought for anyone
| else and still fall...alone.
|
| I hope that helps.
| elric wrote:
| I started writing a reply about my childhood. But then I realized
| I would be sharing more than I'm comfortable sharing in public, I
| don't even feel comfortable creating a throwaway account to
| discuss this stuff.
| fortyseven wrote:
| Opsec awareness is brutal on public socialization.
| giantg2 wrote:
| Even private socializing. How well do you really know most
| people when it comes to sensitive subjects?
| yial wrote:
| Not the person you're responding to, but I'm careful with
| what I share with people.
|
| I once had someone share something rather personal,
| followed up with a comment that they suspected I've had
| similar experiences.
|
| The reason? The language and phrases I use when referencing
| parents. Nothing negative per se, but the way in which I
| refer to them (example: my mother) and others. I was giving
| away more than I realized.
|
| Which wasn't so much of a concern in this context, but I'm
| more away of it now around people I don't know especially.
|
| (This comment actually puts me a little outside of my
| normal personal opsec, but I'm going to let it stand here)
| giantg2 wrote:
| Yep. Supposedly you can match writing styles across
| accounts on the internet to identify someone.
| walterbell wrote:
| Stylometry: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=33755016
| & https://web.archive.org/web/20221129004703/https://styl
| ometr...
| matheusmoreira wrote:
| Even something as simple as a single word can give away
| absurd amounts of information about us.
|
| I used to be ashamed of my nationality and actively tried
| to hide it. I was very successful at it too, never had a
| single person identify me... Until I tried playing an
| MMORPG I used to play when I was a kid and was still
| learning English. Long story short, I misspelled the name
| of an item because of my childhood memories. Turns out
| that mistake was _very_ specific to people of my country.
| zo1 wrote:
| I once had my nationality "leak" just by the specific
| addition I chose when ordering a specific hamburger-like
| dish at a food-stall. Something akin to choosing to put
| mustard on a hot-dog kind of situation. The person looked
| at me, knew, got confused as I had a perfectly neutral
| and non-native accent, and then just had to ask to
| confirm their suspicion.
| dewbrite wrote:
| Mayo with fries would be a German likeness. Very odd in
| the States.
| deisteve wrote:
| its honestly overhanded
|
| unless you work in sensitive positions
|
| nobody gives a f about you
| red-iron-pine wrote:
| just because the internet datamining bots don't care
| doesn't mean they won't create hyper-accurate portraits of
| your personal life, that can and likely will be sold,
| hacked, or leaked.
|
| you have 0 reason to think they'll respect your life, and
| less reason to help them make money off of your misery. at
| least with a throwaway and some marginal protections like a
| VPN and browser fingerprint obfuscation you can feel mostly
| secure.
| kgodey wrote:
| I also went through the exact same thought process, then I
| thought I could at least share my ACE score, and yeah, no. I
| noticed that the OP is using a throwaway account as well.
| zo1 wrote:
| Maybe for you, or others: But I have some past stuff that
| applies to the ACE score, and absolutely _no-one_ knows about
| it. Not my spouse, family, previous partners, friends,
| psychiatrist, counselors, and my children certainly never will.
| I 'll very likely take it to my grave.
| niemandhier wrote:
| Score is 5 but factor in racism which is not accounted for in the
| test.
|
| I decided age 6 I wanted to be Captain Picard or maybe phrased
| better: I decided to replace the absent positive male role model
| with idealised humanist diplomat/scientist.
|
| It worked out very well for me. My net worth is less than it
| could be because I decided to prioritise happiness over wealth,
| but I habe a great live.
|
| What saddens me is that, kids today do not even get stories that
| look positively in the future. Sometimes it feels all modern sci-
| fi is dystopian.
| jggonz wrote:
| I find this test interesting because I received an ACE score of
| 1, but I'm the oldest child in my household and I'm realizing
| that my siblings would probably score slightly higher than me...
| :-(
|
| I moved out when I was around 20 before alcoholism and divorce
| destroyed the beautiful family dynamic that I grew up with.
|
| This makes me want to try and understand the differences between
| myself and my siblings a bit more closely.
| Cushman wrote:
| As an also low ACE person with high ACE loved ones, I super
| encourage this!
|
| With the serious caveat that ACE score _isn't_ a great
| predictor for individuals: if your siblings have ACEs >=3,
| it's entirely plausible that that trauma explains none, some,
| or _all_ of the differences you're referring to.
|
| (If, like me, you grew up thinking socioeconomic status was the
| gold star predictor of cohort health, the past couple of
| decades of research here are pretty shocking!)
| yunyu wrote:
| Score of 6. Started and sold a YC startup
| shepherdjerred wrote:
| I have a score of 5. I was in my district's GT program [0] from
| 5th grade until graduation (I only mention this since you said
| "gifted" in the title and this is the most "official" proof that
| I have). I failed many classes in high school (algebra, chem,
| physics, English) mostly from lack of effort. I had a lot of
| trouble attending class during high school and dealt with
| depression.
|
| I went to college a couple of states away and being in that new
| environment helped a lot. By my senior year I was doing much
| better -- still had issues and only had a 3.2 GPA but I never
| failed a class. I was able to get an internship at AWS and a
| full-time job there after graduation.
|
| Now (at 27) I'm starting a new job at Pinterest tomorrow,
| doubling what I was making at my last job. I'm halfway through my
| masters in computer science. I don't think I have any giant
| accomplishments, but I'm definitely comfortable and
| conventionally successful. The biggest dissatisfaction I have are
| around relationships and fulfillment, though I am slowly making
| progress.
|
| I don't have any major diagnosed issues, but my upbringing
| definitely continues to have a huge impact on me. Therapy has
| helped a lot.
|
| [0]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gifted_education
| grendelt wrote:
| > "The biggest dissatisfaction I have are around relationships
| and fulfillment"
|
| Just know that relationships at work can be fleeting. They
| could leave, you could leave. The best work friends you have,
| you might stay in touch. You'll both look back on your time
| together fondly. But lasting relationships aren't usually found
| at the workplace. (Though they _can_.)
|
| And absolutely don't seek fulfillment from an employer. You're
| fulfilling _them_ - their needs, wishes, and goals. They 're
| fulfilling contractual obligations to you through your bank
| account just as you're fulfilling your work obligations to them
| through your efforts.
|
| Fulfillment comes from acceptance of who you are, personal
| appreciation of what you're good at, and doing things for your
| own personal satisfaction - not because it's demanded of you by
| someone else. Honestly, just look how far you've come. That's
| an accomplishment in and of itself and is worthy of
| appreciation. Nobody will ever tell you when "you've arrived"
| (other than your GPS). It comes through personal realization
| that you're a grown adult now, you're charting your own course
| in life, you can go where you want and do what you want. You're
| where you are because of your own actions. If you ever find
| yourself truly loathing where you are, you can change it.
| Finding contentment with where you are in life (geographically,
| financially, etc) is up to you. Don't like it, you can change
| it. When you say "this is where I want to be" will you begin to
| find contentment.
| JieJie wrote:
| ACE of 9. Founded two successful alt-weekly newspapers, worked on
| world-famous collectible card games, lost it all due to illness
| that nearly killed me, recovering and slowly making my way back.
|
| One thing a high ACE score did for me was make me an irresistible
| force, even as it seemed to turn the rest of the world into
| immovable objects.
| bebna wrote:
| 7, basically was cut of from the last family member last year I
| had hopes in for over a decade after helping her to get back up,
| that cost me dearly in my career and private social life.
|
| I pulled myself back up these year, don't have any holes in my CV
| and still have a job that pays enough so that I can put stuff
| aside. Which I'm taking as a win.
|
| I do have some friends left that I can trust, which I take as a
| win.
|
| Currently don't have a partner, but at least I not only recovered
| from the last break up, but I also got something slowly brewing
| that could become something or atleast another good friend.
| Taking that as a win.
|
| Middle aged and most health problems are manageable or in
| progress about getting better. Taking this as a neutral.
|
| Could have been in a much better space in life if specific people
| wouldn't have maliciously against me and I wouldn't have taken
| the risk on the one member I mentioned already. But I also could
| easily be, and see others, even some of my friends, in worse
| places.
|
| So I think, I did quite alright.
| vlod wrote:
| I am quite taken back (and a little choked up tbh) by the high
| numbers that people are reporting in the comments. I can't even
| imagine what that means.
|
| Seriously wishing you best to all of you.
| throwanem wrote:
| 8, and one thing it means is we here are selected for having
| made it far enough back to talk idly about it on a Sunday
| evening on HN. Spare a thought for those who haven't and
| didn't, too. Your heart does you credit here; they need it more
| than we.
| empressplay wrote:
| I'm a 7 but I grew up in the 80s lol. Diagnosed HFA as a child
| multiple times, high-IQ, was in gifted / IB programs
|
| Honestly most of the abuse I suffered happened at school, as the
| autistic "gay" kid I was constantly bullied and there was no
| interest on the part of school staff to do anything about it.
|
| When I was 16 I fell into a nicer crowd but they drank and
| partied a lot and I ended up dropping out in grade 12. Got work
| as a computer technician, did that for a decade or so, moved on
| to other stuff.
|
| The autism has been a real struggle that has become more
| challenging with age, and the memories of abuse do haunt me.
| Jerrrrrrry wrote:
| The larger the expectations, the harder it is for some to
| appreciate progress, and easier it is to not try at all.
|
| A self-destructive defeatist nihilistic attitude is easy to
| cultivate, especially among the bastards of the gifted.
| giantg2 wrote:
| I generally agree. However, times have changed. The middle
| class standards that many of us grew up with and set for
| ourselves are increasingly difficult to achieve. The
| expectations were not particularly high and they seemed
| reasonable at the time they were set.
| Jerrrrrrry wrote:
| Unregulated/ crony capitalism is a race to the bottom -
| whether that bottom be wage, time, morale or social
| discontentment.
| ace4throwaway wrote:
| I have an ACE score of 4 and have been marked as gifted at
| various stages of my life, elementary, high school, college, and
| other somewhat impressive things during my 30+ year life.
|
| The hardest part about being "gifted" and having a difficult
| childhood is being able to compete/achieve at high levels
| consistently. For brief moments I can be amazing at art,
| relationships, work, social situations, etc. But it all comes
| crashing down once I get too taxed or triggered. I simply don't
| have the energy or ability to be functional at the gifted (and
| even less) level for long periods of time. Even worse the
| recovery time from being drained is way longer than my close
| friends who grew up in more stable environments.
|
| On paper things look pretty good for me. But keeping everything
| in order takes a lot out of me and I'm struggling to find the
| strength to do more and to live up to my "potential".
| giantg2 wrote:
| I don't fit all your criteria. My schools didn't have a gifted
| track, but I scored highly on many aptitude tests, took the
| college in high school classes, etc. I wasn't diagnosed with
| autism until I was an adult. ACE score is 0 though.
|
| I definitely feel like you when it comes to success. I would be
| considered moderately successful (grad degree, decent
| professional job, married, kids, etc) but just sort of average
| (median household income for our area). It doesn't feel like "I
| made it" yet. It's been a real struggle to keep my job, or really
| want to keep it. I can't stand the politics and the unknown
| standards that I need to hit. It also sucks that they can't give
| me the reasonable accommodations I asked for such as additional
| coaching and they even talked about putting me on a PIP this
| year. With the job market the way it is, I'm finding it hard to
| switch jobs internally or externally. Of course with my autism,
| changing jobs is also difficult and risky even in a good market.
| Also as you mentioned, these internal struggles are consistently
| unknown to those around me. Even my wife doesn't understand how
| hard certain things affect me and instead sees me as being very
| smart and very successful even though the data I see only
| supports the moderate versions of that. I don't feel appreciated
| at work or at home and I don't get to do very many things that I
| enjoy.
|
| I'm not satisfied with my life. I wish I had my diagnosis before
| getting married and I would have chosen a different path.
| Although I think I'm also greatful for not having the diagnosis
| before graduating as I probably would have had a "what's the
| point of trying" moment at some of the difficult points.
| throaway89 wrote:
| My score was 3, which isn't indicative of a overly rough life.
| But I was a gifted kid, reading at 3, straight A's all the way
| through University. Always had bad emotional problems though.
| Turned into a really bad porn/sex addiction. It's currently
| ruining my life and health and Im going to SMART meetings because
| SAA wasnt helpful for me. 35 and not very much to my name. Mental
| health issues have haunted me my whole life, and the same goes
| for my parents.
|
| I've been diagnosed with a few things, but none very concretely
| other than dysthymia and general anxiety disorder. My mom has
| adhd, and her sisters have schizophrenia. Also my niece was
| diagnosed with autism. She thinks I have Adhd but I can't really
| tell whats what until my sex issues are through.
| runjake wrote:
| I've never heard of ACE but I just scored a 7. Once upon a time I
| got diagnosed on the spectrum, as well as PTSD due to various
| traumas.
|
| I turned out pretty well: successful career, married a really
| long time, and raised 3 kids without neglecting or abusing them.
| I still feel like an alien among people, but I'm socially
| functional, great confidence, can handle myself in any sense,
| etc.
|
| I never mention my diagnoses to others but I keep them secret and
| do use them as valuable tools on how to approach my own problems
| and challenges. I never consider myself a victim -- that's like a
| sacred sin to me.
|
| I'm very grateful for all the good and all the bad I've
| experienced. It built me into a flawed person that I'm very proud
| of.
| deisteve wrote:
| Never heard of Ace but in grade 3 iq of 137 in south africa
|
| im not satisfied honestly
|
| still feel like im in my 20s
| ok123456 wrote:
| ACE score of 8.
|
| Doing pretty well as an adult.
| theshackleford wrote:
| Ace score of 8. Outside of medical things outside of my control,
| relatively ok I guess. I have responses to things and a
| perspective on life shared by almost nobody I meet, which can
| make things a bit harder, more so it leaves me feeling out of
| place because I know the world and the individuals in it in a
| very different way that most never will.
|
| I was surrounded significantly by organised crime growing up, and
| big parts of it, and the people involved were normalised to me.
| Sometimes I will speak of things I encountered or endured growing
| up, and people become visibily uncomfortable. I often forget that
| it's very confronting for others, because for me, it was so
| normalised, it's just a part of who I am, even today.
|
| For instance recently a group I was in asked us to recount some
| experiences we had at a certain time and place, and they
| specifically asked about crime.
|
| Turns out that didnt mean "tell us about how you had your head
| ripped open in multiple places with a steering lock and were left
| for dead on the street" because that's a story normies can't
| really gel with. Recounting such stories can cause people to look
| at you in a very different way following it.
| burnte wrote:
| ACE of 8. Only child, single mother with psychiatric problems,
| absent dad with psychiatric problems, I was nearly killed by him
| at age 4, homeless twice before I was ten, no extended family to
| rely on at all. Mom died of Dementia at 65 when I was barely 30,
| and I took care of her starting when I was 25, giving up a great
| job in Boston.
|
| I'm a VP of IT in a healthcare company, my third healthcare gig
| with this particular $12b PE investment firm. I was previously
| CIO twice at the others, first rising up from IT Director to
| Executive Director of IT, then CIO. I've been doing IT for 30+
| years, and I'm damn good at it. I just cut our phone system
| expenses by $300k/yr, and I'm in a project to cut our EMR expense
| by 70% over the next 9 months. I've been a service tech,
| salesman, programmer, writer, author, datacenter admin, network
| admin, web developer, dotcom startup "CIO", and more.
|
| I work hard, I care tremendously for my family and my employees,
| I love where I've managed to get, and I'm not done yet,
| ljhsiung wrote:
| Hopefully this is not too tangential, but it's something that's
| been on my mind a bit recently.
|
| When you had kids (or I guess anyone who is considering having
| kids), did you ever fear of "passing down" your trauma?
|
| I feel that us tech workers, for all intents and purposes, have
| "made it," which might best position us in general to overcome
| and prevent a cycle of trauma to the next generation.
| pistoriusp wrote:
| Yes. The fear is real, and 100% more tangible when you're
| holding your child the first few times. Overcome with love,
| joy and sadness because you cannot comprehend how anyone
| could treat someone that they love so deeply in a bad way.
|
| I don't think "made it" is the differentiator here. It's more
| about emotional maturity and acceptance that you're chiefly
| responsible for another human beings experience of the world:
| What you put in can set them up, or break them down.
|
| That said, I created some rules for myself:
| 1. Never lie to children. It's easy to make up a story to
| avoid an emotional outburst. People that lie cannot be
| trusted, trust is the cornerstone of a relationship, don't
| lie. 2. Don't avoid emotions. Lean in. Feeling emotions
| is a human right. Let kids feel emotions. Be with them and
| make them feel safe. Through conversation try to dissect,
| explain and appreciate why they're feeling emotional.
| 3. Hug them. Only let go when they let go. 4. Say
| goodbye. Don't sneak out the house to avoid an emotional
| outburst. Not understanding where a parent went, or why you
| missed them leaving is traumatic. Say goodbye. 5. Never
| pretend that you'll leave them. Kid is at playground and
| doesn't want to leave? Never faux walk away and pretend
| you're leaving without them. Fear is not a parenting
| strategy, it's abuse.
|
| I'm sure my list will grow. My daughter is 2. I try to live
| with integrity, honesty and love. What I get out is pure
| unfettered joy.
| __rito__ wrote:
| Is there a more complete list by someone else?
| Xcelerate wrote:
| #1 is exceptionally powerful. My parents never lied to me
| or attempted to deceive me. They always emphasized telling
| the truth, no matter how painful the consequences might be.
|
| I've seen other families that lie to each other about the
| most trivial of things and it ends up with them all
| constantly feeling gaslit and not trusting each other. How
| horrible it would be to not have that feeling of safety and
| security with your own parents.
| pfdietz wrote:
| This is why we never did even ostensibly innocuous lying
| like Santa Claus.
| hoseja wrote:
| Is #5 really that bad? Kids can be real shitheads
| sometimes, but you have to be willing to really go through
| with it.
| bryanrasmussen wrote:
| >but you have to be willing to really go through with it.
|
| you have to really be willing to leave them?
| ravishi wrote:
| Yes, it is that bad. I used to do it a lot. Didn't help
| the slightest. As soon as I adopted an "I'll do it for
| you" strategy everyone's lives started to improve. Even
| mine.
| ravishi wrote:
| Yes, it is that bad. I used to do it a lot. Didn't help
| the slightest. As soon as I adopted an "I'll do it for
| you" strategy everyone's lives started to improve. Even
| mine.
| chiyc wrote:
| A well-meaning but frustrated parent might try that move
| in the moment but not consider what it could mean from
| their child's perspective. "My parent could leave me"
| should never be a potential consequence for misbehaving.
|
| They're probably more aware of it because of worse things
| they've endured like it. A severe example is kicking your
| kid out of the car and driving off without them. Or
| packing them a bag and forcing them out of the apartment.
| Vrondi wrote:
| Yes, #1 really is that bad. Especially for _small_
| children.
| throwway120385 wrote:
| Yeah my 10-month old son asks for me constantly(da da di
| da ta ti) if I'm away from him for more than a few hours.
| Separation is really tough for them to deal with because
| they don't have the tools or sophistication to understand
| why we're gone and that we're coming back. I had to spend
| a few weeks away from him when he was 4 months when my
| wife needed to be somewhere with a working kitchen and a
| clean floor and I needed to repair our kitchen and I
| think he was "colicky" during that time because he didn't
| understand where I was or when I would be back. This
| persisted during the week and then when I would spend the
| day with them he would calm down.
| abofh wrote:
| It's threatening abandonment if they fail to comply with
| whatever whim you have. It's actually one of the most
| traumatic things you can do to a small child - because
| they've learned what you want is all that matters, and if
| they don't guess what you want properly, they'll be left
| without a parent.
|
| So yeah - it's pretty bad.
| tasuki wrote:
| That makes sense. So, how get kid outta playground?
| dennis_jeeves2 wrote:
| Corollary to #1: never lie to adults who are close to you.
| uranium wrote:
| That's a great list; while not explicitly writing them out,
| we raise our kids by similar rules, and I think it's been a
| huge help. #1 is huge. We also explicitly answer any
| question they ask (barring privacy concerns). The answers
| vary based on how old they are, and what they're capable of
| understanding, but they can always ask for more detail if
| we guess wrong. It lets them know that there are no taboo
| subjects with us, and they can always come to us with their
| hard questions.
|
| It did mean nuanced conversations about how not to ruin the
| "Santa Clause game" for other kids, etc.
| bravetraveler wrote:
| Not OP or a parent, but this is absolutely a fear of mine. I
| don't think I'd be _actively_ bad for them, _passively_
| lacking in critical areas like emotional support.
|
| Hell, I don't have the energy or social skills to get to that
| point. Either I or the other person move on, so I just
| optimize the process.
| burnte wrote:
| > When you had kids (or I guess anyone who is considering
| having kids), did you ever fear of "passing down" your
| trauma?
|
| No kids yet because of exactly what' you've said. I was not
| going to have kids until I could give them a better life,
| even if that means I never have them. We're actually trying
| now because I'm comfortable with my life and skills now.
| giantg2 wrote:
| "I'm damn good at it. I just cut our phone system expenses by
| $300k/yr, and I'm in a project to cut our EMR expense by 70%
| over the next 9 months."
|
| Tell me you work in PE without telling me you work in PE.
| burnte wrote:
| I told you I work in PE, but that's not the point of the
| statement. I cut spending and improve services because I know
| how to spend properly. The phone system changeover gained us
| a lot of functionality and ease of use while cutting spending
| dramatically.
|
| Same with our EMR. We can get better for less, that's what I
| do. PE isn't the only sector that wants to cut unneeded
| costs.
| giantg2 wrote:
| "PE isn't the only sector that wants to cut unneeded
| costs."
|
| But PE stereotypically cuts cost in a shortsighted way.
| bravetraveler wrote:
| Scored _9_. Nearly everything except for 'priestly' abuse.
|
| Feelings are a bit too complicated, I think. Jury is _out_.
| Perhaps for good.
|
| Professionally I'm great but that matters very little.
| minticecream wrote:
| Late 30's, ACE 6 (I basically had a sociopathic, druggy, gambling
| step father who has a talent for making others' lives miserable.
| My house chores included watering the weed plants).
|
| Although parts of my childhood weren't the best, I actually had
| many good things in my life growing up as well. My mother and
| father are very caring people, and I was involved in many extra
| curricular activities (music, sports etc). I went to university,
| got a CS degree, Masters and have gone on to have a decent
| professional career.
|
| It's been emotionally difficult at times. I learnt some years ago
| that my dad was a functioning meth addict, and I felt a bit like
| I was leading a double life at times - when I'd go home to visit,
| and was literally at his then gf's house where she was dealing...
| my dad would be shining a torch on some rocks, asking me if I
| could see what he could. I'd then head back to where I was living
| and get back to my software job. My dad was very sick for a while
| and was given a few months to live. Luckily he's still around.
| Another emotional strain are alcohol issues across my family.
|
| As I'm getting older, I'm trying to let go, to be supportive of
| family members while realizing that I can't control their lives.
| They have to come to the conclusions they need to, and they need
| to want to live differently.
|
| I do my best to look after myself (I've always had to do that!),
| to stay fit and healthy, and to grow personally. I am not my
| parents, nor am I the surroundings that I grew up in. If I blame
| them for the bad, I also must blame them for the good, and for
| the unique perspective they've given me.
|
| One thing that has helped, has to have been around other high
| performing people - in many different aspects of life
| (academically, financially, sports, music etc). Martial arts has
| given me a lot of confidence as well.
|
| Otherwise, I'm usually very much future focused. I try to stay
| positive, to keep things light-hearted and help others out when I
| can.
| frmersdog wrote:
| ACE 5, though I think this is inaccurate because the quiz seemed
| to focus on issues with adults, whereas I had at least two
| instances of major trauma involving peers (and one shortly after
| starting college), as well as several low-grade, long-running
| stressors related to my race, stature, sexuality, etc.
|
| As for my gifted bona fides, 9x%th percentile IQ and SAT scores,
| gifted/competitive STEM track through high school, my bachelor's
| degree cost me $5,000, total (tuition was $30k/yr; I wanted the
| nicer dorm). I often feel stupid, but apparently I'm not.
|
| Currently unemployed (since the beginning of the pandemic).
| Living at home. Money is tight. Whatever's wrong with me, I
| really can't afford to get it treated. I wouldn't mind if I was
| making progress on things that are meaningful to me, but I have a
| hard time keeping focused, and being confident in my plans,
| goals, and abilities. I can definitely feel myself falling
| behind. No, that's incorrect. I've long fallen behind.
|
| What I think separates me from some of the other boys I know who
| grew up similarly and who ultimately had more success: a more
| consistently positive social experience. (It probably helped that
| they were large for their age. Why? Enhanced benefit-of-the-doubt
| in matters of athletics, romance, and maturity, even if you're
| being weird or hyper or spazzy or moody, leading to fewer derails
| of your attempts to build relationships. Greater confidence,
| greater stability, greater shelter from the things about yourself
| and your past that you can't escape.)
|
| I might also be a bit of an asshole.
| Atotalnoob wrote:
| Yeah, I found the quiz also not take into account the mother
| being the cause. As one question specifically mentioned mother
| or step mother being abused.
|
| This excludes same sex parents and other forms of parental or
| guardian violence
| samaltmanfried wrote:
| ACE 4. I generally feel like adult life is very difficult for me,
| but I'm a fully functional adult. I'm in my 40s, married with
| young children. I suffer from depression, but I've come to terms
| with the fact that I'll be living with it forever. I'm totally
| functional otherwise. I have a career in software, a mortgage and
| I'm in good physical shape. I've spent a bit of time lately
| thinking about how childhood trauma may have affected my adult
| life in negative ways. I get bored and disillusioned easily in
| jobs, and find myself changing jobs every 18 months on average
| out of sheer frustration with how unfulfilling they are. I find
| myself annoyed at bureaucracy, and get impatient with less
| competent people. I never express my frustrations with them, but
| I feel a lot of negative emotions about my coworkers. One day I'd
| like to make some effort to address my frame of mind.
| rvrs wrote:
| Anything you would have done differently in the past? You're
| describing me but two decades younger hahaha
| pistoriusp wrote:
| For me the greatest help was therapy, and if advised by a
| professional, medication.
| fy20 wrote:
| I'm in basically the same situation, although not quite 40. My
| ACE score is 1 or 2 - I didn't have a very traumatic childhood,
| but I was an only child and my parents were never really
| mentally present for me. My parents themselves had a pretty
| traumatic childhood and early adult life.
|
| I went through my 20s by keeping my self busy with work and
| side-projects. I guess "high functional depressive" is the
| term. Financially I've done pretty well - changing jobs often
| has some perks. Working for early stage startups you can avoid
| a lot of the corporate BS which has become my niche.
|
| The hardest part of life has been since I had kids. Trying to
| be present for them, and not making the same mistakes as my
| parents.
| sirsinsalot wrote:
| Ace of 9.
|
| Adulthood ADHD diagnosis. Came from a dirt poor abusive
| background. Declared gifted, but dropped out of school.
|
| Now an engineering manager / lead developer making over PS250k a
| year.
|
| Rough lad done good. Could've done better.
| sirsinsalot wrote:
| Also, go get counselling or therapy with a professional (none
| of this life coach quackery). It made me a better human.
| cjbgkagh wrote:
| Highly gifted here (ACE 7), skipped two grades. Burnt out young
| before career really took off. Still did well enough to be
| comfortable - worked in research for a while. Spent decades
| trying to find answers from doctors who were all useless. Found
| out much later it's ME/CFS from hEDS (TNXB) and it's a lot more
| frequent that people realize, especially in cohorts selected for
| intelligence. When I was young I was warned by the gifted program
| coordinators that skipping multiple grades was bad for kids
| because they always burnt out, I think they noticed a direct link
| between the extent of giftedness and the likelihood of burnout
| but missed the causation.
|
| So I agree there is a strong link between such household
| behaviors and giftedness but it's because genetic predisposition
| to anxiety issues, dopamine disregulation, chronic fatigue in a
| world that can't identify it or manage it. So these people get
| sick and not only can't get help but the whole world gaslights
| them. I don't blame my parents for who they are. And as tough as
| it has been for me I wouldn't trade it back for my IQ especially
| in an era where intelligence is at such a premium. I just try to
| get the message out in the hope that it helps others, hence posts
| like this.
| s5300 wrote:
| >> Found out much later it's ME/CFS from hEDS (TNXB)
|
| What led to you finding out about TNXB?
| cjbgkagh wrote:
| Can't respond to dead account, but read about on HN and then
| got DNA tested to confirm. It's one of the main genes in the
| RCCX theory of giftedness.
| 01HNNWZ0MV43FF wrote:
| I only got a 3, I've had an easy life material-wise but still
| managed to be depressed or something. I think I'm probably pretty
| autistic. I'm on ADHD meds and they do something but not enough.
|
| I have trouble connecting "I'm looking forward to this" with "I'm
| enjoying this" with "I remember enjoying that".
|
| Seems like a lot of times I just don't remember positive things,
| or I don't feel good about positive things that have happened, or
| I can't comprehend that I'll be happy when I'm feeling down,
| which is a lot.
|
| I don't deal with romantic feelings or attachment in a healthy
| way.
|
| You know, the usual shit.
| Beijinger wrote:
| "I look accomplished to people, but I don't feel accomplished."
|
| You should be proud of yourself. I have accomplished nothing in
| life and I had a STEM PhD. I think I am even bad in Science.
|
| This book comes to mind. I have not read it yet:
| https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/...
| beckhamc wrote:
| ACE 7, recently got my PhD in ML and am doing reasonably well, at
| least from an 'objective' lens (I have a well paying job and
| bought my first condo recently). My mind is still chaotic as ever
| (I have a mix of OCD / Tourettes / PTS) and it's still often hard
| for me to concentrate without overthinking some portion of my
| life or something completely unrelated to the task at hand.
|
| If I can plug a Youtuber who really 'gets it' (mental health and
| depression), it's Dr Scott Eilers. Everything else is just
| cliched garbage.
|
| (Disclaimer: I am not 'gifted' but did very academically well
| during high school and uni)
| J2pRPhgd wrote:
| ACE 6, no need to delve into the details beyond physical and
| emotional abuse and neglect.
|
| I'm happy with where my life is now. Spent many years struggling
| with severe anxiety and depression.
|
| Therapy is key. If you have a high ACE score, see a therapist. It
| took me years of therapy to even begin to overcome some of this.
|
| I'm very grateful for the life I have now, especially my spouse
| and kids. I have the opportunity to not be my parents, and I'm
| taking it.
| dheera wrote:
| I drove myself too hard, survived 3 cardiac arrests, no longer
| interested in sacrificing my health, sleep, food, hobby time,
| mental health, and time spent with loved ones, and finding it
| extremely, extremely hard to find exciting opportunities that are
| compatible with this lifestyle.
|
| I want to work on things I love working on, but 40 hours a week.
| I want to sleep 8 hours a day, cook 80% of my meals, and spend
| time in nature exercising. I also want to take 4-6 weeks of
| vacation a year and learn about other people and cultures. The
| whole "it doesn't feel like work" thing that every single silicon
| valley founder who works 100 hours/week parade around is fucking
| annoying. It's annoying because I used to be egged on to be that
| person, and I almost died. Stop virtue signalling. (a) You will
| die early (b) You an ass to your family and you aren't even there
| for them while you're still alive
| golergka wrote:
| ACE of 6. Only child, divorced parents. Family of engineers and
| scientists, third generation programmer, started with QBasic at 7
| in 95. Won some math and programming competitions, changed
| schools two times, ended up in the best math high school of the
| country. Played cello, didn't know how to talk to people and have
| friends until high school. Went to uni for bioinformatics.
|
| Dropped out, went to gamedev, in general spent a lot of 20s in
| random search. Found a startup at 22 and got funding, it was
| first failure out of many. Moved countries, married, divorced,
| went to therapy, moved countries again and again. Played in a
| band, played as a DJ, tried a lot of things. Sold all of my mined
| Bitcoin in 2012.
|
| Now I'm a senior developer, and for the last few years I've been
| working for american startups remotely outside of the US. It pays
| fairly well, I love my work and colleagues, and I genuinely think
| that my work is meaningful and improves other people's lives,
| even if in a small way.
|
| But at the same time, I'm a semi-forced immigrant (can't really
| call myself a refugee) with questionable legal status, no
| significant savings, and questionable career prospects. I don't
| have legal right to work in the US, which is the only job market
| that matters. I work as contractor for now, but I'm very anxious
| about availability of US job market for remote-remote developers
| such as myself, and about what happens to my career as I get into
| 40s and 50s. I don't feel safe either, and I despite the fact
| that I'm comfortable, I feel that I could have achieved more.
|
| I beat myself up about a lot of things. I imagine that if I just
| kept studying math and CS, I would have won a lot of programming
| competitions, get really good at fundamental CS, got into Google
| 10-12 years ago (while it was still the place to be at), probably
| quickly moved to the US, worked on fundamental hard problems, and
| in general had a much better career than I have now. I'm still a
| great programmer and have a better job and compensation than
| about 90% developers of the world (give or take), of course. Or I
| could have gone into ML. I toyed with different genetic
| algorithms back around 2010, and with neural networks too -- even
| before AlexNet. I got very serious about ML around 2014, did the
| first Coursera course, and if I kept at it, I once again could
| only imagine where it would have got me in these 10 years.
|
| It is very seducing to look at other people's achievements and
| think that you could have done the same, if only you made the
| right choices. But then I think about all of the experiences I
| had instead. I've met so many people and explored so many
| different things that life has to offer. I've learned A LOT of
| things that previous "nerd" would have thought impossible. I
| learned confidence in confrontation, public speaking and romance,
| and very lucky in the latter. I've learned a lot about business,
| art, music, journalism, history and a million of other fields.
| I've grown as a person, I found people that I like and trust.
| After years of therapy, I had to admit a lot of baggage that I
| had to take care of -- and did it. And I don't think that these
| people that I envy had to deal with baggage like that.
|
| It's hard to accept things that you're not, and things that you
| will never become, and it's easy to take for granted the things
| you have. I'm an anxious person. I always think of the worst and
| find a way to feel guilty about every failure, possible or
| imaginary. But now that I know and accept these flaws in my own
| thinking, every day I make a conscious effort to correct my
| attitude the other way. And day after day, it slowly gets better.
| colordrops wrote:
| ACE of 1, but I grew up in a poor gang infested neighborhood and
| experienced many of the things in this list from other children
| in the neighborhood and school rather than family, and it
| definitely affected me.
| tstrimple wrote:
| Hard is relative. I scored a 3. My childhood would better be
| described as one of neglect rather than one of direct abuse. I
| don't feel accomplished. I feel like I've been moving from one
| lucky break to another. But at the same time I'm able to see what
| I can contribute to roles I have versus my peers and have to
| conclude my calibration for what is successful or accomplished is
| very biased. It's difficult to properly judge yourself when we
| have plain examples of the top 0.1% all over the internet. This
| sets up incredibly unrealistic expectations. If you're able to
| iterate without constant guidance and able to pivot when you run
| into firm roadblocks you're ahead of 90% of your peers. I'm
| constantly dealing with the dissonance of trying to reconcile
| that I'm nothing special with me being the only one capable of
| pushing certain projects forward.
|
| It feels like so many people hit the first stumbling block and
| throw up their hands stating they don't know how to do it. That's
| where things finally get interesting for me. It doesn't work. How
| can I make it work? What have I tried and what other people have
| solved a similar problem? 95% of the time I just find what
| someone before me did, copy it and move on. Why is that so
| difficult for many of my peers? A good portion of my career could
| be summed up as copying and pasting things I've found on Google.
| It objectively works. Why are others struggling?
|
| I'll never be a Carmack or an Asahi or any other super hacker
| that frequently drops incredible work in novel areas that
| extremely few other individuals could ever deliver. But I can
| follow their work. Learn from them. Apply their solutions to
| problems in other domains and iterate on it. But this all feels
| easy and natural to me so I have trouble understanding why my
| peers struggle with it so much.
| throwaway12dk wrote:
| Scored 8. Doing fine in terms of profession and money, quite a
| bit more than fine. I've made peace with never having much of a
| social circle or children or the normal interpersonal trappings
| of a life. I strongly hate and fear people, and that's never
| going away.
|
| I went through a period in my 20s when I was very interested in
| talking about it and doing therapy and getting diagnoses. Did the
| whole circuit of the books and techniques and medications that
| usually get talked about. Now I'm not interested in talking about
| it and don't ID as having any condition.
|
| I'm quite happy and satisfied with my life as a whole. There are
| many other ways to fill the day. Probably once a week or so I'll
| wake up, and as the fog of unconsciousness clears enough for me
| to remember what and where and how I am, it makes me smile.
| wincy wrote:
| ACE score of 8. I'm happy, live a life I find deeply meaningful
| and fulfilling, don't suffer from any depression, I have a wife
| and two kids. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. My
| teens and 20s were really rough, I spent a lot of time ruminating
| and just being a sourpuss. But I mostly knew I didn't want to be
| like the people I'd been surrounded by when I was a kid. I got
| over it and stopped worrying about it so much. I'm lucky I found
| a good wife, we've talked for probably thousands of hours about
| our childhoods and worked out a lot of stuff. I feel like I'm
| continually improving. I just don't worry too much, in my 20s I
| was diagnosed with anxiety and depression but those are basically
| non existent now.
|
| The thing I purposely try to avoid when starting a new job is
| talking about my upbringing and background too early. I didn't
| tell people at my current job my youngest daughter is in a
| wheelchair until about three months in. I let people form their
| judgments from how effective I am at work, then reveal more about
| my personal life. That first impression is so important. If
| people think you're damaged goods from the get go you'll get
| their pity, which is not what you want. You want their respect.
| Pity in a workplace means career death.
|
| I've started riding my bike regularly which seems to have a very
| similar effect to taking Adderall. I use super bright lights in
| my home office during the winter. Home cooked meals improve my
| overall mood by leaps and bounds.
| Nevermark wrote:
| > I use super bright lights in my home office during the
| winter.
|
| I started by bouncing several shop lights off the ceiling.
|
| That was so effective, during a remodel I recessed long LED
| light strips hidden behind cove molding around the whole room
| perimeter, to do the same. My whole ceiling is the light. An
| indoor sky.
|
| No glare, just a bright summer day, every day!
| BirAdam wrote:
| Do you have a write up of how you did this?
| aurizon wrote:
| Ali-express = cheapest, Amazon faster. They have long
| strips of LED lights, some one color, some various whites
| of whatever K you desire. Getting more complex there are
| several types of addressable chips and controllers to do
| this. Cheapest is white arrays of the white you like,
| typically 8 foot strips you attach as needed or buy the
| accessory attachment strips in 2 foot shippable lengths, in
| aluminum or plastic to make ceiling/edge/window lights as
| you wish. Costs range for $10-15 for each 8 foot length
| (addressable a bit more). Addressables are made on 3-4
| different base chip types. youtube has detailed
| explanations and builds on the various chip families. I
| find occasional LED sales booths at the Rancho Cucamonga
| flea markets, and probably at all the larger ones, with
| full sales/demo setups you can buy then and there or get
| them online and save a little. Watch power supplies and
| look for proper UL/approved wall warts - many are fake UL,
| so check for isolation between +/- and both AC line prongs
| as the fakes UL often lack isolation and 2 different ones
| 'can' have full AC on different prongs and a shock hazard
| might exist -be wary. 12 volts is the common voltage used
| and if you use USA made wallwarts you can avoid these
| risks.
| ehnto wrote:
| To your point about first impressions, I appreciate hearing a
| similar outlook about such circumstances.
|
| I have pretty severe scarring from a thing I am afflicted with,
| and it's very noticeable. I will often cover them up for the
| first few months. I am not shy about them at all, I do
| everything else with them visible. Shopping, gym, out with
| friends etc. But I gain nothing from that in the workplace, and
| stand to lose face in certain scenarios in the early phases.
|
| Dating is different, all visible, all cards out on the table.
| If that detail about me would cause issues for them I'd like to
| know ASAP.
|
| Concur regarding the bike, it's as good as a nootropic.
| Z3r0Nu11 wrote:
| ACE 9 Didn't know, Now I do. This tracks.
| ninetyninenine wrote:
| ACE 0. Feels abnormal looking at everyone here. I don't consider
| myself that successful. Very average or below in career and also
| extremely below average in life outside of work. Not very many
| friends, never been in a relationship (I'm old).
|
| Maybe some trauma really is needed in your childhood to produce
| more drive.
|
| I'm wondering what's the distribution of ACE.
| taurath wrote:
| > Maybe some trauma really is needed in your childhood to
| produce more drive.
|
| No. You're missing the people who don't post on here, which are
| those who have died, those who are suffering too much to spend
| time here. This is a high privilege forum on average, and that
| there are success stories doesn't mean it's somehow good. Ask
| any one of us what we thought we could have achieved with a
| supportive "good enough" childhood and often you'll get tears.
|
| There are very few material benefits for people who climb out
| of holes, even if they've had to go twice as far as the person
| next to them. A deeper sense of peace or contentment, maybe.
| But most will compare a 40 year old who's driven their way out
| fully out of hell and a 25 year old ready to see how high they
| can go and choose the one with more runway and less desire to
| care for themselves.
| ninetyninenine wrote:
| >No. You're missing the people who don't post on here, which
| are those who have died, those who are suffering too much to
| spend time here. This is a high privilege forum on average,
| and that there are success stories doesn't mean it's somehow
| good. Ask any one of us what we thought we could have
| achieved with a supportive "good enough" childhood and often
| you'll get tears.
|
| So you say. I still want data to back that up. What's the
| distribution? I probably can't get a value about how good
| people with an ACE of zero ended up.
|
| But I can see a distribution and thus I can see which ACE
| number is at the tip top of the curve.
| taurath wrote:
| I'm going to have to ask you to google it or have GPT
| summarize it for you as it's readily available.
| ninetyninenine wrote:
| Sure. But your statement alone without evidence at face
| value looks like something you just intuited without
| proof and out of thin air.
|
| Hence it was reasonable to ask.
| taurath wrote:
| Some trauma can make for focus and push. Most everyone
| has some amount of trauma just for existing. Higher ACE
| scores correlate with much lower life expectancy and
| worse outcomes, far higher rates of suicide, mental
| illness, substance abuse.
|
| It may make for extremely driven people! Maybe many of
| the people with the most drive get it from a reaction to
| trauma. That doesn't mean that the average person does
| better with trauma though.
|
| Check the CDC site on ACEs. Or almost any other site. The
| data is astoundingly clear.
| themacguffinman wrote:
| Woah, I match every element of your description.
|
| To answer the OP directly, I'm not satisfied with my life, and
| from my ACE score it's obvious that I have no one else to blame
| but myself.
|
| The CDC website has some stats on ACE distribution [1]:
|
| > ACEs are common. About 64% of adults in the United States
| reported they had experienced at least one type of ACE before
| age 18. Nearly one in six (17.3%) adults reported they had
| experienced four or more types of ACEs."
|
| Interesting that zero ACE is a sort of minority.
|
| [1] https://www.cdc.gov/aces/about/index.html
| ninetyninenine wrote:
| If Ace 0 is a minority perhaps it's normal for people to
| experience trauma and this trauma is necessary.
|
| You match me in every element, perhaps this outcome is
| expected for ACE 0. Or it could be confirmation bias.
|
| Any other people with ACE 0 here? What is your life like?
| mrweasel wrote:
| > If Ace 0 is a minority
|
| I don't think it is. In developed nations I'd guess that 0
| is probably the majority (maybe 0, 1 and 2). The internet
| isn't the best place for these kinds of statistics. If they
| where everyone would be depressed, have contemplated or
| attempted suicide, have anxiety and a host of mental
| problems.
|
| There is new research that suggests that talking about
| problem like depression may in fact cause depression and
| the internet is amazing at propagating the idea that all
| sorts of mental issue are something that everyone
| encounters.
|
| My score was 0 and I have a happy, if middle class life and
| wonderful family. Stressful at times, but mostly not. It's
| also not terribly exciting, but that suites me.
| oarsinsync wrote:
| > To answer the OP directly, I'm not satisfied with my life,
| and from my ACE score it's obvious that I have no one else to
| blame but myself.
|
| This isn't fair to yourself, or anyone else reading this and
| feeling the same way.
|
| There's a difference between good parenting, bad parenting,
| and abusive parenting. Just because your parents weren't
| abusive, doesn't mean they were good at instilling all the
| useful and/or important values in you.
|
| Also, there's a difference between blaming your parents for
| who you are, blaming yourself for who you are, and accepting
| that things have happened, learning from them, and using it
| as the basis for growth.
|
| Consider how old you are today. Consider what age your
| parents were during your formative years. The closer you get
| to being the same age your parents were, the easier I think
| it gets to recognise that your parents might have been much
| like you are: imperfect beings trying whatever resembled
| their best on any given day.
|
| Ultimately, try to be kind to be kind to yourself, but also
| be accountable to yourself. Kind accountability tends to work
| better than blunt brute harshness (just like you catch more
| flies with honey...)
| mandevil wrote:
| So, there is something to overcoming childhood adversity. Since
| the rise of the modern primary system for electing US
| Presidents most of our Presidents had traumatic childhoods(1).
| It seems like most of the people who want a stadium full of
| people chanting their names are trying to fill the hole where
| parental love should have been. Of course, most people don't
| grow up to be President, so I don't think this isn't something
| that you should be optimizing for!
|
| I think where I ultimately come down on this (and I'm a dad so
| I've given this a lot of thought) is that a crappy childhood is
| a high risk play: it might give you a slightly better chance of
| a really amazing outcome, but at a much greater risk of a truly
| terrible outcome. A happy childhood doesn't guarantee anything,
| none of us are guaranteed anything. But it can make truly
| negative outcomes less likely- though again not impossible. So
| all things being equal, I want my son to feel loved.
|
| 1: Just looking at the Baby Boomer presidents, and staying far
| away from actual politics, Clinton was born William Jefferson
| Blythe, his dad died in a car accident before he was even born
| and his mom remarried and he was adopted. GWBush had a famously
| withholding and demanding mother and was viewed as the family
| scapegoat into his 30's- JEB! was the golden child in that
| family, George was the family screw-up. Barack Obama wrote an
| entire book (when he was a campaigning for an Illinois State
| Senate seat, long before he thought about running for
| President) about how he never really had a relationship with
| his father and what effect that absence had on his life. Donald
| Trump wears much of the damage Fred Trump inflicted on him on
| his sleeve.
| incompatible wrote:
| ACE 1, I think. I don't have many fond memories of childhood.
| Although my parents weren't monsters, I went to school in an
| area where high ACE schools would have been common, and being
| somewhat of a nerd was the odd one out, I struggled socially
| for my first few decades. There was no Internet in those days
| to find like-minded weirdos.
| a-french-anon wrote:
| You're not alone, ACE 0 and a decent job/life but reached KHHV
| wizardry recently; suspecting it's common in the hacker/CS
| community. At least, life in Europe is pretty peaceful, even
| without considering personal pain.
| RGamma wrote:
| According to https://i.kym-
| cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/998/096/4a3... there's two
| more stages afterward: wraith at 50 and overgod at 90. I
| shall expect your commands.
| ativzzz wrote:
| I feel similarly. I've noticed nearly every form of self-help
| material I've read starts out with some trauma the author
| overcame. Anectodal evidence ofc.
|
| I feel like there needs to be something that "kick starts" you
| to push yourself. I had a cushy, comfortable childhood that
| probably needed a bit more discomfort. My parents grew up in
| more challenging environments and did their best to not pass
| that on, maybe they did too good of a job. They have
| significantly stronger work ethic than I do.
|
| Yea there's a lot of people with high trauma who don't make it
| (like some other posters have said) - we see the survivorship
| bias. But sometimes I wish I had a bit more kick in the ass
| younger because now I'm unable to do so to myself as an adult.
| Artificial trauma maybe suffices - like why is hazing for group
| bonding still a thing anywhere? Maybe college kids know what
| they're doing, and the occasional death is just the price we
| have to pay
|
| Maybe I'm just ranting and none of this would help. I'm average
| because I'm lazy and it's hard to accept
| minticecream wrote:
| > Maybe some trauma really is needed in your childhood to
| produce more drive.
|
| There's probably something there in terms of overcoming
| difficult situations.
|
| You can achieve the same thing though without trauma, just by
| doing hard things or being pushed beyond your boundaries.
|
| Go for a swim and hold your breath as long as you can. Then,
| push yourself to swim a few meters past the point where you
| held your breath. Keep going for a swim, keep pushing yourself
| past where you're comfortable.
|
| Make it a habit to do this in various areas of your life -
| there's your drive.
| Perenti wrote:
| ACE of 8, IQ 170+, did absurdly well at High School. Am diagnosed
| ASD (at 50 years old) , have a psych friend say I'm ADHD but
| untestable.
|
| I've had incredible highs (University Medal for example) in
| between various crises. My life is pretty shit, and I'll die
| alone. It took me a very very long time to learn to have nothing
| to do with family.
|
| You're doing better than I am at this time.
| DaoVeles wrote:
| What makes you think you will die alone? I know many that have
| said that and have had late life turn around, but a big part of
| it is just being ok with yourself. The good, the bad,
| everything in between. The marbled reality that is you. To be
| like the trees that curve and twist and bend, flourish in one
| spot but drop leaves and branches in another.
|
| It is not easy but it can be done. While the wake of the past
| can be turbulent, it is just that in the past. You can be aware
| of it, moved by it but remember you are the boat now that makes
| the wake. Don't deny the past, merely accept it as something
| that has happened, it does not need to dominate the time that
| you have.
|
| Also seeing a therapist/counseling can be very helpful in this.
| Don't try to do this alone even if it can be difficult to bring
| yourself to do it! The anxiety of what it is like is far
| stronger than the actual event.
| dennis_jeeves2 wrote:
| Not gifted in anyway. But check my profile and follow the link,
| to see if what I have written catches your attention.
|
| (p.s: I won't bother with my ACE score - seems like an
| indulgence in self pity )
| tamua-throwaway wrote:
| If you think you know who I am, no you don't. I'm leaving major
| details out.
|
| Principal Engineer at one of whatever we're calling the tech
| companies with ten figure market caps. A couple nice exits from
| previous jobs. Low seven figure net worth. Married. Lots of
| friends. In my late 30s to mid 40s.
|
| You'd probably recognize some of my projects.
|
| I was in a gifted and talented program for a while as a kid.
| Tested at 99.9th percentile.
|
| ADHD, ASD, treatment resistant depression. ACE score of 5, but I
| feel that misses a lot of very specific trauma.
|
| One of my previous partners abused me. That was many years ago,
| but I still have severe anxiety, constantly worried someone will
| scream at me for things I had no control over.
|
| I'm so depressed I have trouble taking care of myself and
| regularly think about killing myself. In therapy for years, not
| sure if it's helping.
|
| I genuinely have no idea how I hold myself together at work, it's
| like I'm a different person there.
|
| How much more could I have been, had things been a little
| different?
| baldeagle wrote:
| Have you tried TMS (the magnet thing?).
|
| It worked well for my friend that had ideation.
| taurath wrote:
| Hey friend - check out dissociation and that realm. It's one of
| the things that often comes out of trauma, and allows us the
| superpower to be who we need to be to survive and even thrive,
| but can carry big deficits in self image and ability to handle
| our emotions.
| mtnGoat wrote:
| My score was 7.
|
| I have ADHD, autism, and dyslexia, but luckily a >140 iq on a
| good day. I've suffered from depression at times, was
| incarcerated as a juvenile and an adult. Had a physical and
| mentally abusive father. I was also a convicted felon at 15/16
| and again at 18 years old. Was an alcoholic before being legally
| allowed to drink. The list goes on.
|
| That said life is great, I've exceeded all expectations my
| parents, family and educators had for me(the bar was low). I own
| my home, happily married and raising a daughter. I work at a FANG
| company and have a pretty decent net worth. Have traveled to
| almost 40 countries and feel like I add value to the world on
| most days. I even serve on the board of a non profit.
|
| I would never say these things made my life any easier by any
| stretch but I learned to cope and it made me a "strong" person,
| in that I have confidence I can overcome just about anything and
| I don't really fear much of anything that life can throw at me.
|
| The one thing that's crippling at times, being through all that
| with a photographic memory. Closing my eyes to go to sleep at
| night is hard... every single day.
| rangestransform wrote:
| how much difficulty did the adult incarceration cause during
| your travels?
| lwhalen wrote:
| ACE score of 7. I am ridiculously happy. I have a wife who loves
| me, and two (little) kids who want to be around me. A successful
| and fulfilling career that lets me provide for (and even spoil,
| sometimes) my family. Multiple side-projects/hobbies/'hustles'
| that I can pick up or put down at will. Life is really,
| fantastically, pronoia-inducingly, good. It wasn't always this
| way, and I owe a LOT to great teachers in my formative years (HS
| and some college) who encouraged me to get the hell out of the
| house, city, and state I grew up in, and become my own man far
| far away from the place and family of my birth.
|
| I'd been on the 'gifted' track since pre-K (I was reading books
| without pictures by 3, for example, and had read The Hobbit in
| Kindergarten). I made it out (barely) of one of the worst public
| middle/highschool systems in the country, and got a 70%+ 4 year
| scholarship into one of the best. My grandparents (specifically
| my maternal grandmother, may she RIP) busted all kinds of ass to
| make up the difference. "Family drama" almost made it to where I
| couldn't get transport to out-of-state college at the very last
| minute, and my paternal grandfather (may HE RIP!) showed up out
| of the blue, helped me throw my things in his truck, and drove me
| 12 hours one-way so I could attend college (no I did not finish,
| and dropped out after 4 years; long story)
|
| The fear, doubt, and insecurity of my teens led to quite a bit of
| learning and growing in my early/mid 20s, and it just got better
| from there. "Getting the hell out" was the best advice I had
| gotten, and I am so glad I was able to take it.
|
| My biggest concern these days is how do I grow beyond my damaged
| upbringing and not just be a "neutral" force in my family's life,
| but a "good" one. I'd like to be around for any grandkids
| (shucks, maybe even GREAT grandkids if the health and longevity
| sciences keep doing their respective things), and a positive
| presence in their lives too.
| bronlund wrote:
| I would suspect that a lot of the gifted children that didn't
| turn out okey, aren't all that much on Hacker News.
| BLKNSLVR wrote:
| ACE Score: 0, therefore I apologise if this is too flippant since
| I don't suffer the depth of lows of clinical depression provides,
| although I've been through some unpleasant troughs in my time I'm
| sure I can't comprehend the potential psychological damage of
| most ACE scores above mine.
|
| There's a particular line of The Desiderata[0] that says so much
| in so few words:
|
| _no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be
| here._
|
| It provides armour to me when the negative voices come. It
| reminds me that I am privileged to be alive at this point in time
| and help to remind me of the (good kind of) "holy shit" feeling I
| should have at that realisation.
|
| Some holes are too deep for this to have an effect, but for the
| shallower ones, this has helped me escape them quicker.
|
| You Have A Right To Be Here!
|
| [0]: https://desiderata.com/desiderata.html
| Cushman wrote:
| ACE 1, so I'm qualified to respond :)
|
| An important thing for you and I to keep in mind is that we
| aren't just talking about psychology.
|
| ACEs cause (or exacerbate) depression, anxiety, and so on; they
| also cause (or exacerbate) cancer, heart disease, autoimmune
| disorders, and so on.
|
| It's obviously a lot of work to disentangle causation from
| secondary health impacts of mental illness, but to our shame
| there is more than enough data, and the work has been done. An
| appreciable fraction of the damage done by ACEs is physical and
| irreversible after adolescence.
|
| I think this is important for us to remember because it's easy
| for us to say, oh, they must need some extra support. And yeah,
| they do. But it's too little, too late. They -- the children --
| need us to stop the ACEs from happening.
|
| Editing in a caveat I remembered elsewhere: of course the
| _scores_ don't cause these things, and of course the individual
| variance is huge. As a _diagnostic_ criterion, ACE is useful as
| a screener and that's about it. As a _statistic_ , it's
| revealed a pandemic.
| AndyNemmity wrote:
| ACE 9 - Happy and fulfilling life. Just want nothing tragic to
| happen, and continue to enjoy a wonderful existence.
| mykowebhn wrote:
| ACE 7
|
| Most of my life, until recently, I've suffered from anxiety and
| anger issues. I've also suffered from depression for several
| decades, but that luckily ended about 15 years ago. I'm 54 now.
|
| I've changed jobs and careers many times (that's part of our
| profession, but I also think it's due to my trauma), I'm twice
| married, I don't really have many friends (although in my older
| age I'm realizing I like my alone time).
|
| And yet, I am now very satisfied with my life, although this
| hasn't always been the case. I retired early, I have an amazing
| wife, and two incredible dogs. The key for me was to work
| extremely hard on healing myself with therapy (this took years
| and lots of money), never give up, try different things if
| something didn't work, and to not be afraid of going out of my
| comfort zone. Also, having another life that depends on me, like
| pets, really helped to get me out of focusing on my troubles and
| also helped to put things into perpective.
|
| This is definitely not for everyone, but it worked for me.
| dusted wrote:
| ACE 0, iq 125, never qualified as gifted beyond teachers and
| others saying "you're smart! you just need to apply yourself!"
|
| Talking with wife and mother about my childhood made me
| understand that I've had untreated adhd (got diagnosed only
| recently, in my late 30s, now in the process of seeing if I'm
| also on the autism spectrum).
|
| Life seen from the outside looks fairly okay, educated, employed,
| wife, kid, 3 homes, 2 cars, no mortgage.
|
| From the inside: depressed and chaotic, self hatred, lethargic, I
| can't ever remember wanting to be here, and always finding
| external reasons to stay, first I didn't want my parents to get
| sad, now I don't want to fail my wife and kid. But so far, this
| life has been for others, no myself. I'm not suicidal, I just
| don't find it particularity thrilling to be alive, it seems like
| a lot of trouble for very little reward.
|
| So in short, I'm not satisfied with my life, and it's not really
| depending on external factors, just the way my brain is wired.
|
| I remember in particular an episode where I was 5 or 6 years old
| and I asked my dad, "why are we even alive? what's the point?" he
| got mad (I concluded at the time, because he didn't know either,
| but in retrospect, might have been because it might have sounded
| like a dark or provocative thing to ask for, but it was an honest
| question).
| lnsru wrote:
| I am pretty sure, you can find some activity that brings you
| joy. Looks like you're doing financially well and can choose
| everything between carpentry and private pilot license. Be
| egoistic and selfish! After getting nice fast car I realized,
| that I unexpectedly like cars. Next thing is doing a license
| for a boat. Twin engine motorboat is also very nice.
| 4gateftw wrote:
| ACE 7. I feel good about some parts of my life, but mostly I hate
| it. I miss human connection deeply, but I don't see any path to
| having it in my life after my relationship of a year ended. I
| feel disconnected from my upbringing and like I don't know how to
| function as a white collar worker, and I constantly feel like I
| don't deserve what I have now as an engineer. I love my cat and
| my family though, and doing computer graphics for a living is a
| dream come true in a lot of ways.
| galivanter wrote:
| ACE 10, currently in my late 30s. Severe clinical depression and
| anxiety throughout life, many associated issues around that.
| Psychopath father, borderline mother. Alcohol and drug issues.
| Siblings have not fared well and have life outcomes that follow
| what you would expect. These sort of experiences destroy lives
| before they begin.
|
| Have faced serious issues with dissociation, and have complex
| PTSD. Still working on it, it's not a smooth ride but have made
| progress. Had a lot of issues to work on and have changed
| significantly over the years. There have been highs and lows.
|
| I've managed to have some success with relationships and life
| goals in spite of it. With the right support, time, and
| considerable effort things are improving.
|
| I think a lot of people here have similar experiences.
| Intelligence is a protective factor that gives you the ability to
| skip your life script, but it's a difficult journey. The only
| people I know who suffered severe childhood trauma and recovered
| are above average intelligence.
|
| Autism, ADHD, and a staggering range of other mental and physical
| issues have causal links with childhood trauma. For many kids, a
| diagnosis of ADHD is a nice way of saying "your home environment
| is abusive and illegal, but saying that is problematic. You live
| in a hellhole and for some reason can't pay attention. Here's a
| pill."
| lain98 wrote:
| ACE 6. I did good career wise, failure was just not an option to
| me so I worked hard. At school I was put into accelerated classes
| for gifted kids. But I feel like I could have done a lot better
| with more support at home. I see that people get points for
| diversity etc. in college or hiring, but there is no such support
| for people who suffer silently, and even if there was I have too
| much pride to let others know just for some brownie points. Life
| was particularly hard before I found employment, roughly from the
| age of 18 to 26. That was also the period when my mental health
| challenges were more difficult and I had not yet learned how to
| cope. I have not yet gotten any 'treatment' for mental health
| issues. I got some money after making some fortunate investment
| decisions that allowed me to climb out of poverty, it might be
| trivial sum for most people out there but it was a lot to me.
| Lately I get feelings of being an orphan, just out there on my
| own and not having my own people to share things with or support
| in life.
|
| My wife is startled sometimes when I react as I do, she doesn't
| understand where it comes from. I have forgetfulness and
| emotional regulation issues. But she is a nice person and helps
| me out.
|
| I worry about money and the future all the time.
|
| I would like to thank my mom and God for everything, and Jensen
| Huang. Will delete this later.
|
| Sorry for poor punctuation and english.
| acethrowaway wrote:
| My ACE score is 2. I am extremely dissatisfied with my life. I
| wrote hundreds of words in a reply to this post and deleted them
| because no one cares.
|
| My net worth is whatever. I need to manage money better but
| frankly bills haven't been a concern for long time. I live within
| my means and need to invest instead of holding cash.
|
| I have few friends, and when I had a depressive episode a few
| months ago and told people? They all evaporated.
|
| I'm convenient. Friendly, affable - yes. But not worth much else.
| Been a hard one for me but I just work now instead. The ROI works
| out better.
|
| The people that live in my home notice me, and that's about it.
| jireiR2r wrote:
| I've felt that way, but I got past it by realizing this is kind
| of how most people are. It's hard to sustain generosity and
| compassion over the long term. They want to be that friend who
| sticks with you through thick and thin, but they've got their
| own shit to deal. It's not about you, so try not to take it
| personally. It's the human condition.
| aa-jv wrote:
| I long ago gave up any faith in the "ADHD"/"Autism" religion,
| which has all the mechanics of a cult, and just decided to live
| my life without the labels given to our society by Nazi
| scientists.
|
| It has been a huge relief, and frankly a major deal-breaker with
| regards to escaping the destructive feedback-loop of self-
| evaluation/comparison with others. The for-profit "ADHD"/"Autism"
| industry does not have the individuals' best interests at heart -
| it does, instead, wish to perpetuate its own culture - which
| fundamentally boils down to classism and authoritarianism,
| wrapped in a velvet glove of narcissistic self-loathing.
|
| If this offends you, you're probably in that cult. Just think
| about it a bit more - in what way does it help you, personally,
| to evaluate another person and label them with these conditions -
| does it help you position your own life in such a way that you
| have a 'relevant' context, or does it fix a handle to that person
| with which you can further manipulate them? Just stop. Take a
| deep breath. Nobody in the world is helped by these labels.
|
| >Currently, I look accomplished to people, but I don't feel
| accomplished.
|
| See, this is what I'm talking about. To which people do you 'look
| accomplished'? This kind of navel-gazing is self-destructive.
|
| A cure for this behaviour is to take a long journey to another
| culture, step outside the total authority of the culture that
| makes you think this way, and re-evaluate the fundamental
| mechanics of your life. Your autism or ADHD can be cured with one
| week in a village, away from the machine, learning to catch and
| cook your own food, find your own shelter, dig your own latrine.
| It doesn't matter what 'mental illness' you think you have in
| comparison to others in your society - everyone needs to eat,
| sleep and shit - and that feeling of safety you feel you lack is
| going to be strengthened once you live in a jungle for a while.
|
| In the jungle, "ADHD"/"Autism" are only as relevant as they
| provide you with food, water, shelter, sleep. Go live in it for a
| while, even if its just a vacation, and you'll feel much, much
| better about things. I promise.
|
| (Note: fully expecting to be downvoted into oblivion for this,
| but it doesn't matter. I've got my next trip to the jungle
| scheduled already. The only thing I care about is that someone,
| somewhere out there, also has that jungle trip in their mind, on
| the horizon. I'm sure some of you will see this before the text
| fades into the collective, reactive oblivion...)
| moi2388 wrote:
| ACE 5. (I have some questions regarding the simple yes/no but
| never mind for now).
|
| Suffered from severe depression in the past.
|
| Got treatment, worked hard. I have a good and happy life now. Own
| my home, have good savings.
|
| Relationships of any kind are still difficult sometimes.
| tripster_ wrote:
| ACE 5, as a child I was never tested for giftedness. From first
| grade till I took my SAT equivalent I never really studied, I
| just got things from class and I never did any homework. When I
| got to college (STEM) I had to repeat a couple of years because
| applying the same method as high school did not work - made me
| feel inferior.
|
| When I started working I felt liberated, felt like life was
| different and because of that I had some success, but because I
| never really applied myself in school I lacked the exercise to do
| that and wherever I worked I was always the worst of the best. In
| my 40s now and I recently realized what it means to study, to put
| effort into something and this happened because I am now the
| worst of the worst - COVID took my depression to a new low, I'm
| just starting to go up again.
|
| I have a child from a previous marriage that I don't know how to
| relate to, I keep trying to bond by I end up hurting them more -
| that's my biggest pain point. I am alone now, sometimes lonely,
| sometimes happy to be alone, but ideally I would like a partner.
| xkbarkar wrote:
| ACE score 5 My abusive parent luckily died of cancer almost 30
| years ago.
|
| Me and my siblings turned our lives around in the first few years
| after that.
|
| From being fast on way to a ditch, mentally, financially and
| physically I found the strenth to leave my drug addicted and
| alcoholic partner. I learned to admit amd recognize my own toxic
| behaviors and and took many years on my own to learn to set
| healthy boundaries and learn to live a healthy life. And to be a
| healthy parent.
|
| Eventually finished University as a single parent with a full
| time job and I work with what I love today.
|
| Own a house, a dog and have a good economy. No means financially
| rich, but in a long term happy relationship and in the best
| physical shape of my life.
| dijit wrote:
| I'm fine, I'm CTO of a small game development studio/publisher in
| the south of Sweden.
|
| I was born/raised in Coventry in the UK and I feel comfortable
| with the idea of never returning.
|
| I find it hard to make friends, but that's a combination of being
| a migrant, being an adult and being considered "very intense" by
| many- I pour nearly all of my energy into work because on a
| subconscious level I am terrified of going back to those
| conditions. And the state of tech (and the gamedev industry) is
| giving me some generalised anxiety.
|
| Truthfully, the way people talk about sysadmins and devops and
| SRE also worries me because that's my field of activity and
| people keep trying to kill off operations as a discipline...
|
| Other than that, fine I think..
|
| ACE 7.
|
| P.S: that test was annoying because I hit the markers but someone
| worse off than me could hit the same markers and wind up with the
| same score. :\
| Humorist2290 wrote:
| Fully agreed. The oversimplification of the scoring system
| feels deeply wrong.
| bluesroo wrote:
| This test is actually fairly well validated. The purpose
| isn't to specifically diagnose your problems, it is to find
| the floor for how much trauma you may have experienced. Sure,
| some may have had parents under the influence occasionally
| while others witnessed heavy usage in front of them. The
| point is that even for the "light" case, that is a
| significant issue.
|
| Think of it as childhood trauma triage. It is a good first
| pass to help people understand their past and maybe help some
| people understand that their past is more traumatic than they
| realize.
| adastra22 wrote:
| ACE 5. I have been moderately successful in life and work, more
| so in the last few years, after I was treated for ADHD. Still
| have psychological issues to work through.
|
| For me, the successes came from a combination of luck, and
| learning to make lemonade from the lemons life gives you. I was
| lucky to meet my wife in college, and even more lucky that she
| saw something in me, the confused and abandoned kid that I was.
| She filled in my weaknesses with her strengths, and I like to
| think that I had a similar effect on her.
|
| I was the black sheep of the family, which drew me to
| entrepreneurism at an early age and made me not scared of taking
| risks. Either that or it was the toxoplasma. That's given me some
| moderate success in work and a comfortable life, but I don't feel
| fulfilled.
| yarg wrote:
| Suicidal living under a creaking branch during a cyclone - it
| missed by a metre.
| StefanBatory wrote:
| I turned out to be a total failure. I am to finish my uni next
| semester, but I was unable to find any sort of internship so I
| will have issues graduating. I am very lazy person. I don't have
| any sort of worth and I'm a disappointment to my parents.
| cracrecry wrote:
| ACE 0, happy childhood, very problematic puberty and adolescence.
| I was bullied.
|
| Much later in life I discovered I was what is called a Sigma male
| and everything made sense.
|
| I created my own company but was poor for a while(but very happy
| to do what I wanted). People probably felt sorry for me but I did
| not care about their opinions.
|
| Very happy now. Not poor anymore.
| mettamage wrote:
| ACE of 3 after I started living with my grandparents. ACE of 8 if
| you include the first 2 years of my life.
|
| I am doing mediocre:
|
| Career: bad
|
| Love life: fantastic
|
| The rest: hardcore self-dev mode
|
| I am an insomniac and it's fucking up my life. The ability to
| hold down a job because of it is really hard, unless I do
| intellectually easy work, which programming isn't for me.
|
| I also had a horrible career start. I had top marks at my
| university but I didn't know anything about hiring cycles. So I
| just chilled for a year and then had a rough time finding a job,
| took a job I didn't want for the sake of it and then had a few
| patches of jobs that I didn't feel fully okay with, except for my
| last job but then tech layoffs happened and interviewing became
| hard.
|
| Some people say I should become a dating coach as opposed to a
| dev but I have no idea on how to do the marketing and sales for
| that. I currently feel tech is more sustainable.
|
| It's funny:
|
| I taught people in 3 month coding bootcamps when I still was a CS
| student and they are more senior than me.
|
| My friend that studied business doing no programming on the side
| is nowadays more senior than me.
|
| I paid a career coach $5000 which is a lot on a yearly salary of
| $35000 (if I have a job), but it's not helping. It's probably in
| part because I am Dutch and he is better in the US market.
|
| I feel it's a cruel joke. I did all the "moves" to not launch a
| career at all.
|
| I could use some help but I don't exactly know what kind of help
| as my blind spots career-wise are big (otherwise I wouldn't have
| overindexed on uni, 2 bachelors and 2 masters). It doesn't help
| that I am immigrating to the US at some point (marriage) for my
| current job search in NL.
|
| I am currently also in therapy in the diagnostic stage. I
| probably will be diagnosed as autistic (at 33+ of age) but the
| jury is still out, could also be adhd or both. I sought help for
| my insomnia.
|
| I currently meditate 2 hours per day since 2 weeks ago. I don't
| think I will ever stop that again. I can feel that it helps a
| lot, especially with executive functioning (prefrontal cortex -
| doing your tasks) and somewhat for sleep too.
| lnsru wrote:
| Best careers I know in person did the classmates through the
| connections of their (mostly wealthy) parents or partners.
| There is no silver bullet here. Coming from poverty means
| grinding twice hard as others and being open for weird
| opportunities.
| tiznow wrote:
| ACE of 4, gifted child who literally got the passion for
| education beaten out of them. I feel like my childhood, or
| dealings with my parents might have actually been pretty
| bad...but better than the present day. I was bullied as a kid,
| and never really supported during it, which made me incredibly
| angry and aggressive and I walked around for maybe the first 25
| years of my life actively thinking I would get drawn into fights
| at any time. Doesn't help when your parents will also beat your
| ass for perceived disrespect, bad grades or public failings.
|
| My parents also are just malicious, non-cooperative, myopic
| people, and my dad is an alcoholic who basically went my entire
| life never getting checked until my mother walked out on him a
| few months ago, as a result of him doing a handful of things so
| repulsive my younger sister (the emotionally intelligent one of
| the family) cut him off and my mother realized that she didn't
| actually have to spend the rest of her life tethered to this
| person. My mom isn't great, but good for her. In the interim my
| dad has become even more of an alcoholic and he sleeps for 15
| hours a day, only getting up to eat, pee and pretend he's not an
| alcoholic while he teaches classes on Zoom.
|
| I've had a rough go the last few years with employment/career,
| but things might turn around for me in as little as a few hours.
| It's a combination of having to deal with poor boundary
| management in some situations, and bad situations outright. I'm
| not where I'd like to be in life, but I'm not old--just old
| enough to consider that I won't be here forever. But every day I
| become more aware of how my childhood set the stage for my life.
|
| I don't consider adult life to be hard, when things are working
| well -- it's just that they often don't. I'm okay with life, but
| only because I have the tools to make it what I want. The day to
| day kind of sucks.
| DrCoitus wrote:
| ACE 2: I dealt with depression and anxiety since early
| adolescence, with a lot of drugs and petty delinquency. Went to
| college for STEM and quickly became obsessed with a life in
| academia. Completed a PhD at a top 10 school, then a postdoc in
| an Ivy League university working under a NASA contract. Now I'm a
| tenure track professor at an R1 university.
|
| Despite never fully feeling socially connected and
| depression/anxiety ridding shotgun the whole time, I'm very
| satisfied with how things turned out. Though, I think that
| feeling has less to do with my career and more to do with my
| partner; without them I dont think I'd be around to write this.
| dennis_jeeves2 wrote:
| > My biggest concern with my quality of life is I don't feel safe
|
| Not gifted in anyway. But check my profile and follow the link,
| to see if what I have written catches your attention.
|
| (p.s: I won't bother with my ACE score - seems like an indulgence
| in self pity )
| algobro wrote:
| In a logical world, affirmitive action efforts would be
| redirected to people with ACE score >= 4, regardless of ethnicity
| or race.
| kritterLane wrote:
| TLDR: Struggling due to suicide attempt
|
| Due to neglect, I grew up with facial and foot deformities. I
| often hid my illnesses for fear of angering my parents. Things
| improved a bit after they left and I began living with other
| relatives. One summer however my parents asked me to visit them
| in a new country but would not allow me to return afterward. For
| a year or so, they refused to take me to the dentist until a
| caries destroyed most of the crown of my tooth. I could not bite
| on that side for almost a decade afterward. They constantly made
| fun of my body due to my congential conditions and tried to
| isolate me from other people by telling me that doctors are evil,
| that I was disgusting and causing those conditions myself. They
| often pressured me into acting as their accomplice in breaking
| the law or exploiting others. If their dealings did not work out,
| they would blame me for being useless (book smart as opposed to
| street smart), that had it not been for me they would not have
| been stuck in poverty.
|
| At my school, many teachers believed that smart people were
| "selling out the country and good for nothing". They harassed me
| for doing well in class, tried to fail my midterms by misgrading
| them, accused immigrants like me of "stealing jobs" from local
| students, tried to steer me away from applying to colleges.
| Bullies would beat students up, myself included, right in front
| of the adults because no one around cared. My parents were not
| willing to be involved with the authorities due to their fake
| immigration status but still wanted to pretend that moving to the
| new country was a "correct" decision. They sided with the
| teachers in saying that I would not be able to handle "real"
| academic workload and that intelligence is useless or even a
| liability. They said that as an ugly, defective person I should
| get used to abuses, because life was never going to be better.
|
| To say the least, I hated almost everything then. Eventually I
| attempted to take my own life and have been struggling with the
| medical consequences ever since. I could work only odd jobs,
| although most of the times now I am no longer suicidal, so at
| least that's an improvement.
|
| _The linked ACE test is from 2015 and probably outdated.
| *Admitted to a top-5 university globally with scholarship, many
| signs on the spectrum_
| afpx wrote:
| This is cathartic. Thanks.
|
| ACE 8. I was often hungry and cold. and sometimes homeless. I was
| poor in an area stricken with poverty (appalachia). I lived in a
| home that didn't have half of an exterior wall, and we only had a
| kerosene heater. Often, there was no electric. We originally
| didn't have plumbing except for an outhouse (luckily a federal
| program forced a corrupt contractor to tack on a shoddy bathroom
| to the house). No birthday or christmas presents.
|
| School was terror. I had one outfit and shoes without bottoms. A
| gang of boys would wait outside for me everyday until evening.
| I'd hide in the woods until the path was clear. Teachers would
| assult me. The principal put me in the hospital. The police would
| harrass us. The police arrested my brother for skipping school,
| and he ended up in juvenile detention for a year.
|
| Sexual abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse. It felt constant. My
| peers fared worse surprisingly. 20 friends dead before I was 24
| (including two best friends and three girlfriends. Health
| problems, violence, suicide, drug overdoses, accidents.
|
| I effectively moved out at 14. I exchanged sex with older women
| for room and board. I continued my schooling though.
|
| I really lucked out honestly. Getting into the gifted program was
| by far the most important thing that could have happened to me. I
| somehow made it to undergrad. A friend turned me on to computer
| science when I was a junior. I spent my life savings on my first
| computer. I had terrible study skills and only graduated because
| I could derive stuff from first principles.
|
| My first job had me in a cubicle with my face to the wall.
| Because of previous trauma, I involuntarily jump when people come
| behind me. So, the job was stressful. I fired up a spreadsheet
| and figured I could retire early if I kept increasing my wages
| and reducing my expenses.
|
| I was never good at programming, but I was great at innovation
| and execution. I eventually got a role director of a consulting
| company in 2009, and I was making $150k. I felt like a badass.
| But, it's been downhill from there. I have a problem with burning
| bridges.
|
| I'm late 40s now. I 'retired' during the pandemic. I've really
| struggled since then. I have little direction and self-medicate
| most days. I'm suicidal most days, but I keep going because I
| feel I owe it to all the friends I've lost.
|
| I doubt anyone will read this, but if you do, thanks for
| listening.
| logical_proof wrote:
| Internet friend... please talk to someone. Use the 988 line.
| Mental health is only different from physical health because of
| societal norms. I don't know you but please know your short
| description here stoked compassion in a stranger. Your life has
| value and meaning and impact. Thank you for sharing.
| afpx wrote:
| Thank you for your kind and empathetic words. I'll probably
| be ok. I'm medicated and my therapist and psychiatrist are
| aware of my ideation. I have a very supportive spouse. I live
| an upper middle class life. When my ideation moves into
| active planning is when I reach out for additional help.
| Honestly, I feel very fortunate.
| foobarian wrote:
| Did not have it nearly as bad as you but do struggle with
| similar issues on occasion, ultimately concluding I am
| fortunate and have a good situation now. But you know who I
| feel very bad for, is the coming generations. I feel like
| our age group has been so lucky to be around when the
| computer/internet revolution blew up. But it feels like it
| kinda settled down now, and there is no more easy access to
| it for bright young people. I hope I am wrong.
| afpx wrote:
| I really worry about them. We had the opportunity to
| build an entire industry and get in early. There were few
| of us (because only us 'nerds' were into computers in the
| 90s). And, demand increased exponentially. But, the
| industry has matured, the market feels saturated now.
| We've pumped up STEM programs to the point where everyone
| is doing software. I want to know how I can give back.
| henryaj wrote:
| I read it. I'm so sorry for what you went through, and that
| times are hard. Sending hugs your way.
|
| Late 40s - you have so much of your life ahead of you! Are you
| medicated (with e.g. actual antidepressants)? Please explore
| that avenue as thoroughly as you can before doing anything
| drastic.
| codr7 wrote:
| You'll figure it out, sometimes doing nothing is exactly what
| is needed.
|
| Look around you, lack of direction and medication/distraction
| is everywhere, and unfortunately suicide.
|
| I would never judge anyone for wanting an easy out.
|
| But I do feel its missing the point of the experience.
|
| What is your passion? What makes you excited/happy?
| afpx wrote:
| Yeah, I'll definitely figure it out. I'm actually a fairly
| positive person. It's just that the brain chemicals distort
| my thinking, unfortunately. I'm working on a few things, and
| going through exercises to retrain my brain. My main issue is
| lack of direction. Lately, I've been happy making generative
| art and building things in Blender. But, I'm not sure how to
| turn that into something that's useful or productive.
| kritterLane wrote:
| This is probably one of the things that you can and should
| take a lot of time with. Being suicidal is not an entirely
| rational place, so you cannot completely rely on your own
| thoughts and feelings, that's why it can be so difficult to
| deal with. If you are a "better version of yourself" today
| than yesterday, or improving other people's lives even if
| it's just one more person's overall, you are already making
| a positive difference!
| rwg1138 wrote:
| We read it, and we're listening.
|
| Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you get the help you
| need.
| KaiserPro wrote:
| I've read this, I have little to offer, especially from this
| far away.
|
| However, I believe in you. I hope this helps.
| glitchc wrote:
| ACE 8 is very high. _Too high._ I 'm only ACE 4 and feel like
| there was significant trauma in my life. I cannot imagine the
| struggle and hardship attached to ACE 8.
|
| Please get some help, friend. You are too young and have much
| to contribute to the world. Some help and guidance will help
| you pull through this tough phase. 45-48 is a depressing time
| for most people. You will get through this.
| albrewer wrote:
| > ACE 8
|
| I married a woman who scores the same. There's so much to say.
| But here, I think the best thing to say is that, after years in
| therapy, she's finally reached the point where she feels like
| things might turn out OK. I know that might not mean much, if
| anything, to you, especially in dark moments, but maybe,
| hopefully, it adds a bit of fuel to the part of you that hopes
| things can get better.
| MobileVet wrote:
| You are seen and heard. Please do reach out to 988 or similar
| for help. No one should go through this alone or doubting that
| they are loved and worthy. You are both.
| carbine wrote:
| please call the hotlines when you feel this way. there are
| people who want to help and are super equipped to do so.
|
| even your post here makes a difference, it helps others feel
| seen to know that they're not alone in feeling this way
| sometimes. you matter, your presence matters, we need you here
| and you are deserving of love and happiness. please don't give
| up.
| pmarreck wrote:
| ACE 2, which seems lower than most here. ADD, only diagnosed in
| my early 30s (I'm 52 now). I guess I'm OK, if you consider
| "fairly regular job instability but also fairly high highs" OK...
| it's certainly more dramatic.
|
| So I guess I'm just here to support the rest of you! hah
| natural219 wrote:
| Horribly, lol. I think 6-7 out of 10? I have no idea what these
| classifications mean though.
| Tycho wrote:
| Are gifted children just like children who have early growth
| spurts? They end up average but for a while they were towering
| above their peers.
| exe34 wrote:
| 6.
|
| I only live because I've failed at killing myself every time I've
| tried. I just need to wait it out. in the meantime I've got a
| good job that pays for shelter/food/entertainment. I have no
| ambition, no real drive towards anything. just serving out my
| time.
| nunobrito wrote:
| The worst thing is not failing. Could have excuses to justify a
| bad life due to family, poverty, violence, war, decadence, health
| or whatever but nothing worked. Always float back up with
| success, somehow.
|
| You have a brain, it solves problems without your permission.
| thenaturalist wrote:
| ACE 4, late diagnosed with ADHD at 30 years old (M33).
|
| Had a whole lot of anger about my parents and the world crammed
| up in me until the diagnosis.
|
| Almost every move until then has been trying to peel back the
| invisible onion layers of protection I built up as a child and
| teenager (masking, cynicism, not asking for help or showing
| emotions).
|
| Being blind to the coping mechanisms which you built up
| subconsciously but which don't serve you is what annoys me the
| most about this overall condition.
|
| But it also gives me a sense of agency.
|
| Currently reading "Hope for Cynics: The Surprising Science of
| Human Goodness", which I highly recommend.
|
| So overall, I'm not satisfied with my career life as I feel many
| opportunities were taken away from me through no fault of my own.
|
| I'm very satisfied with my personal life as I have of last year
| found a woman who I have been able to build a wonderful
| relationship with.
|
| In all of this mess, I am extremely grateful for ADHD meds every
| day.
| pizzadog wrote:
| Don't often comment here but I just wanted to say that I feel
| you. ADHD was crippling for me my whole life and you really do
| develop a whole host of weird little layers of protection,
| either against yourself or against how you expect others to
| treat you. I'm 36 and got prescribed meds last year and it was
| a profound experience being able to cast off all the rituals
| and just... function. It is certainly frustrating to consider
| what one could have accomplished with this ability at, say, the
| age of 18 instead... but that way lies madness. At least we can
| build our future.
| throwaway9543 wrote:
| ACE score of 4 though I think it should be 5 or higher as I lost
| both parents, at separate times, before I turned 18. If one
| parent is a single point...both parents should be scored
| significantly higher.
|
| IQ in the 140-160 range (depending on the time and test), in
| gifted/honors/AP programs all throughout school and college.
|
| Youngest child of a large Brady-bunch style family (6+ siblings,
| all half). I was the golden child, the spoiled one. The one that
| got their own room when everyone else had to share.
|
| Many of my brothers and sisters had rough teenage years and some
| of that flowed down to me. I saw fights with brothers/sisters,
| between each other and my parents. Some getting physically
| violent.
|
| Around 8-11 years old I was initiated into sexual play with older
| male, teen family(not my siblings), no adults ever touched me.
| Being too young to understand that was wrong, I then passed the
| abuse down to many other family members younger than me. It was
| never forced, but wrong none the less. The older ones knew
| better. I should have known better. The younger ones did not know
| any better. As far as I know they do not struggle with anything
| related to that now.
|
| Father was mostly working and minimally available until I lost my
| mother at age 11. He went to a dark place after that and was
| unable to care for me, so I lived with other family. Some
| moderate physical abuse happened then but nothing significant.
|
| During this time of minimal supervision I discovered the internet
| and porn, and became obsessed with it. It quickly devolved into
| consuming illegal material.
|
| My father eventually recovered and I went back to live with him,
| but the seed was already planted. I've continued those bad habits
| throughout the majority of my life. I used to struggle with it,
| hating myself for it. But have come to terms with it now. It is
| who I am and it's not going to change.
|
| I lost my father at 15, which was far more devastating to me
| emotionally than my mother (at least based on my present memory).
| I had grown very close to him after losing my mother and truly a
| piece of my heart was ripped out and is still gone to this day
| 15+ years later. I miss my mother, but that pales in comparison
| to my yearning for the time I missed out on with my father. I
| wish every single day of my life that he were still here. I dream
| about him, I can't listen to the kind of music my parents listen
| to. I can't go to the type of churches they went to. Any of those
| things just wreck my ability to cope and maintain composure. I
| miss him dearly.
|
| After losing him, I lived with some family that took decent care
| of me after that, no real abuse but also very limited supervision
| especially of my online activities.
|
| I was essentially kicked out after graduating high school and
| sent to live alone at the house I grew up in. I was left with a
| small inheritance which I was given full access to at that time,
| and it was gone within 2 years. I spent the next 10 years with
| little to no money though I did have a place to live. It was
| poorly maintained and became less and less safe, but kept me
| mostly dry.
|
| I got in trouble during that time for my online activities
| (possession of CSAM) but managed to avoid prison time. I still
| struggle with it today but have come to peace with the
| attractions just being a fact of life. I have not touched any
| child in any inappropriate manner since I was in my early teens
| and will not ever again.
|
| I am relatively successful now by most measures. I met a woman,
| who is now my wife, who drove me to improve myself. We now have
| two amazing children. Our combined income puts us in the top 5%
| of the US overall but we still struggle with impulse buying and
| living within our means. We make plenty of money but it seems we
| never have any to spare. We have no real assets other than our
| $1M house that is about 70% financed and some very small (<$100k)
| retirements accounts.
|
| I'm very happy now other than the financial struggles. My wife is
| amazing, I cherish our kids and they are doing very well. We have
| strong family ties and see them often. Her parents are involved
| with the children, as well as some of my siblings play a
| grandparent role. We mostly beat the tough times and are all
| doing decent, financially I am doing the best out of everyone.
|
| So like you, I would be viewed as accomplished by many, but still
| struggle daily. The only thing that I truly live in fear of is
| that something will take me away from my children and
| family(death or legal). A car accident. Work accident. Health
| issue. Some skeleton from my past rising to the surface and
| causing legal problems. I'm trying my best to ensure that doesn't
| happen, that my kids don't grow up without a father. But it is a
| daily fear.
| cl42 wrote:
| Those affected by this post might appreciate this book: "The
| Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self"
| (https://www.amazon.ca/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Third/dp/046...)
| ddmf wrote:
| ACE 4, AuDHD - not very satisfied with life until very recently
| at 49. Diagnosed autistic at 42, and with adhd at 47.
| simonebrunozzi wrote:
| My ACE score is... Zero. I think it doesn't take into account
| other factors (e.g. being bullied at school, or being ridiculed
| by friends), as it focuses mostly on the family environment.
|
| Anyway, it made me feel so lucky to go through the questions, and
| being able to always answer negatively. I felt so loved by my
| parents (more than what I already did).
|
| I was gifted, for sure. I thought I had quite a hard childhood,
| but this puts things in perspective.
| beernet wrote:
| What is "gifted" supposed to mean? Money? Career path? Not being
| sarcastic, but reading through the majority of comments is much
| more sad than any kind of gifted. What does being a CxO really
| mean when all your fundamentals are messed up? I'm afraid what
| success means to many people.
| thex10 wrote:
| ACE 4, raised by my grandmother and alcoholic drug addict mother
| in the projects. I made it out only because my aunt gave me a
| handmedown PC when I was 13, I lucked out into a magnet high
| school, and was granted admission with full financial aid into
| MIT (and was somehow able to graduate in 4 years). Grateful for
| it every day.
|
| After I birthed my first kid in my early 30s at the start of the
| pandemic, my struggles with depression and anxiety seemingly
| vanished.
|
| I've always been very risk averse, so I fear I'll never be able
| to start a startup or something like that. It's always sounded
| fun. Now that I'm very stable and well, and ok financially (the
| house cost way more than I'd like)... it still feels too risky
| for me to leave my normal job. Maybe I'll try in my 40s...
| diob wrote:
| ACE score of 8. I'm mildly satisfied, depends on the day.
|
| Similar thing with ADHD, also with sleep apnea (severe, 79 AHI,
| untreated till final year of college, which made things much
| better :)). Probably autistic, if you ask anyone close to me, I
| keep meaning to get evaluated for it (see ADHD).
|
| But yeah, I have done a lot of awesome stuff over the years,
| despite a lot of my trauma sources remaining into my post
| childhood years.
|
| Some of those folks have died, others I've since cut off. I am
| thankful for some close friends who I think of as family.
|
| I've always been an exercise person, which I think is partially
| to regulate my emotions / depression. It mostly works, but I
| still take Sertraline for anxiety, which has really changed my
| life. I wish I had started before I turned 30, but better late
| than never.
|
| By the way, this book was at least mildly helpful:
| https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woiti... -
| Adult Children of Alcoholics.
|
| Only one of my stepdads was alcoholic, but it applies outside of
| them. If you grew up in a bad home, it'll seem familiar.
|
| I think in terms of the Hierarchy of Needs, I'm still struggling
| with the love and belonging area. I hope I can reach the upper
| levels one day.
| nytesky wrote:
| I have a pretty modest ACE score of 2, the stories here are
| something else.
|
| I am curious is having both parents with mental health challenges
| the common scenario? My father was depressive alcoholic who never
| worked in my lifetime, and as an adult I think that was more
| impactful than I realized as a child. My mom just had a pretty
| severe eating disorder but was functional adult.
|
| I turned out fine, maybe higher anxiety than most and way way too
| risk adverse in every facet of life, but have a happy family and
| steady work and such.
|
| My sister though has had a lifetime of depression and eating
| disorders, and even though has advanced degrees is living on
| disability since her 30s. I wonder if she had a higher ACE score,
| perhaps with non family members or something.
|
| Both of us were "gifted" and valedictorian of our small school,
| so up to college had very similar paths.
| amir734jj wrote:
| ACE 4.
|
| I passed gifted school entrance exam in my home country of Iran
| when I was a kid. Didn't tell my parents because I didn't like
| going there and I wanted to have a normal life.
|
| I currently work at Microsoft and have a PhD in Computer Science
| / Compilers.
| caeril wrote:
| ACE score of 1, my parents were pretty great.
|
| But if this test were applied to other kids, it would be off the
| charts. Abused and neglected in every way imaginable by my peers,
| growing up.
|
| It's always annoyed me that if your abusers weren't your
| caregivers, your trauma is never taken seriously by the mental
| health community.
|
| But it is what it is. I'm doing very well financially and
| professionally, I have a wife and kids, I am strong, fit, and
| healthy. But I have no friends, and it's impossible to relate
| with other people. Perpetually lonely, always the outcast, even
| decades after adolescence.
| dartharva wrote:
| I believe an ACE between 2 to 5 will be standard among most non-
| Western people with regular childhoods. Corporal punishment was
| (and is, to a large extent) a very common part of disciplining
| and raising your child in Asia, ME and Africa.
| royaltjames wrote:
| ACE 8. I didn't know this was a thing and took a test which
| accurately described my entire childhood with every question.
|
| I don't know where to go from here? I want the daily pain to
| stop.
| HealingJourney wrote:
| Hi there, I would start with looking up complex trauma and
| looking for a therapist in your area who specializes in EMDR
| and parts work for complex trauma (I'm a therapist myself). The
| book The Body Keeps the Score provides a ton of information and
| good tips/strategies as well. Lots of luck and healing is
| possible.
| HealingJourney wrote:
| ACE score of 8. I grew up first generation Mexican American in a
| bilingual home (I spoke English with my siblings and Spanish with
| my parents). I'm the youngest of 8 and the only one to go to
| college; only half of us graduated from high school. I'm 40 now,
| married, the mother of 2 little girls, and a licensed mental
| health professional (my husband's in tech and told me about this
| thread).
|
| I was sexually, physically, verbally, emotionally, and
| psychologically abused from birth through adulthood, with it
| slowing when I moved out of my parents' home and only fully
| stopping when I went low-contact. I would regularly show up to
| school with bruises and cuts. As a 6-month-old infant, I was
| dropped on my head and shattered my skull due to severe neglect.
| I underwent 12 hours of emergency surgery and have a Grand Canyon
| of a scar running across my head. My sister tells me doctors said
| I would likely experience significant developmental delays and
| not be "normal". My mother likely meets criteria for Antisocial
| Personality Disorder (Sociopathy), and definitely meets criteria
| for Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality
| Disorder, and chronic PTSD with psychosis. My own diagnoses have
| included Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder,
| and Complex PTSD, and my first therapist was monitoring my
| symptoms for OCD-primarily for obsessive presentation, since my
| compulsions were mostly internal/mental.
|
| I was ahead of the curve at math and science growing up, but
| struggled with reading comprehension and writing, likely due to
| the TBI and being bilingual. As a result, I wasn't in the gifted
| and talented program, but still outperformed my gifted and
| talented peers in math & science, graduating with high honors. I
| have a BA in Economics. I worked in finance for 4 years after
| graduating undergrad and got my trading licenses. I eventually
| left to join the Peace Corps and picked up two more languages
| during my service. I then went to grad school for a Masters in
| Social Work to become a therapist as I wanted to help others on
| their healing journey.
|
| I've struggled off and on with depression, anxiety, and
| suicidality since I was a teen. I started therapy when I was 24.
| I was depressed, anxious, dissociated, and miserable despite
| having done all the things that represented outward success. I
| had been trying to hold my shit together for three years at that
| point. My niece had died when I was 21 and that completely broke
| my history of complex trauma wide open as she was murdered by her
| mother- my brother's ex. Even still, it wasn't until a roommate,
| seeing me come home crying every day, told me to seek help that I
| sought out therapy, starting a healing journey that continues to
| this day. As an adult I still struggle with being hard on myself
| and self-worth despite being objectively accomplished.
|
| Financially, I'm doing okay. I have my own private practice where
| I charge more than most in my field at $185 a session. I work
| very limited hours as my girls are still little, but I'm looking
| to double my earnings into the low six figures by next year while
| keeping to my part-time schedule. I don't function well in a
| traditional 9-5 job. I still become overwhelmed at times with
| juggling parenting, my private practice, and my own trauma
| triggers and history but my mental and emotional health have
| become more manageable. I noticed a big shift into wellness last
| year once I went very low contact with my toxic parents and some
| of my siblings.
|
| I've done a ton of EMDR therapy and believe it has helped me and
| continues to help me transform my endless list of traumas and
| negative self-beliefs. I don't struggle with MDD or GAD or
| suicidality anymore. My main motivation to continue to heal
| myself has been to not pass down my inter-generational trauma to
| my beautiful girls. I don't ever want to hurt them the way my
| mother hurt me, and I am proud of myself for being a good mother
| and providing a safe home environment for my girls.
|
| I wish everyone on here all the best. The journey is hard, but
| healing is possible, one little step at a time.
|
| Much love to all!
| JohnMakin wrote:
| ACE of 8 here - I don't know how to qualify "gifted" but I
| believe I was and am a few std deviations away from median on
| most IQ tests I've had to take (therapists always insist I take
| one).
|
| I don't feel the need to get into my childhood but there was
| instances of severe abuse/neglect, and extreme hoarding. Some
| light sexual stuff but it's all fuzzy. Our home and upbringing
| was a lot like that Turpin [0] family where they were basically
| forbidden outside contact despite maintaining normal appearances
| to the outside world. If that was a 10/10, mine was about a 7.
| I've had symptoms of PTSD since a very early age and subsequent
| traumatic events in adulthood.
|
| My teens/early 20's were... difficult. I was independent by 17
| and mostly was too busy trying to survive than to seriously
| attempt college. By my mid 20's I was able to enroll in community
| college and then transfer to a prestigious CS program and
| graduated with honors. I naively thought this would be the "end"
| of my problems - a lot of the trauma drove me to push through
| extraordinarily difficult circumstances during my time at school
| and trying to juggle several jobs.
|
| In the decade since though, while I do have much more money and
| resources to get help than I used to, I feel I have declined.
| I've had persistent depression and anxiety for so long it's to
| the point I have difficulty recognizing it without the help of a
| therapist, who I see 2x a week. Found out I am very high
| functioning on the spectrum, and people often have difficulty
| understanding where I am coming from in terms of life experiences
| and I have difficulty relaying to them why I am the way that I
| am, so I often present a facade, which is isolating and lonely.
| My siblings fared a little better than I did and found family
| with their significant others that I for whatever reason did not.
| I suspect without being a gifted child I would have died a long
| time ago.
|
| So all in all, not great, but probably much better than my peers
| in similar situations did.
|
| [0] - https://abcnews.go.com/US/turpin-daughter-escape-happened-
| di....
| scohesc wrote:
| ACE 3-4. Not very satisfied at all.
|
| I find it hard to call what I went through "trauma" when compared
| to other situations people have posted - they definitely had it a
| lot harder than I had. It's hard to not compare your upbringing
| compared to other and minimize your trauma.
|
| Anxiety, Depression, ADHD. Verbally and occasionally physically
| abusive father, with an emotionally absent mother and an
| intellectually/mentally disabled brother. If I had to draw a
| comparison - it was like being a kid in a family where the
| parents should have divorced decades ago but stayed together "for
| the kids".
|
| I never felt comfortable with bringing anything about my life up
| with either of my parents as they'd fight and argue all the time,
| and they'd never really _listen_ to me when I had problems. So I
| absorbed myself in the internet on the computer I was given one
| Christmas when I was 9 years old. Not a healthy environment for a
| kid - 4chan, porn, etc. all had their effects on me.
|
| Now I'm looking back through all the arguments, all the fights,
| all the emotional breakdowns I had, all the gaslighting, all the
| lies, manipulation tactics, etc. and I can't help but be
| depressed about it - so many times I passed the guidance
| councilor's office at school and thought "man, I could just walk
| in there and say my dad yells at us all the time, and my life
| could have been much different". So many times I wanted to do
| things but I was just too scared and didn't have a person in my
| life to support me.
|
| Personally, I wouldn't say I'm successful - though that's
| probably because of my lack of motivation. I work remotely for a
| larger IT firm in eastern Canada and make okay money (Canadian
| economy taken into consideration), but I struggle so much with
| pushing myself and goal setting, time management, etc. I was
| never able to figure out what I really wanted to do because I was
| living life for my parents and not for me.
|
| I struggle with social situations because I don't feel valued.
| It's hard for me to make friends (especially when you're in your
| late 20's early 30's), I feel like everyone has moved on with
| their lives and I'm still stuck here the way I'll always be - the
| party's over and I'm standing at the empty bar, getting in the
| way of the cleaners vacuuming up the floors of confetti for a
| party I showed up to 10 minutes before it ended.
|
| As I get older I'm coming more and more to terms with the idea
| that I'll never be in any kind of relationship and/or have kids
| because of how messed up I am mentally - I push people away from
| me when they try to get close because I'm horrified of rejection.
| Biological clock ain't getting any younger either. I never know
| what to say or how to interpret things in conversation - doc says
| it's from my inexperience, but part of me wonders if it's a hint
| of Autism that's undiagnosed.
|
| To avoid this being even more of a somewhat glorified trauma dump
| - for anybody else reading these situations, if you're suffering
| from trauma, please get help if possible. I hope there are free
| or low-cost options wherever you live, whether a phone hotline,
| support groups, etc.
|
| You don't get to take the easy way out while the rest of us have
| to stay behind and suffer! ;-) /s
| S_Bear wrote:
| ACE 7 here.
|
| I'm doing OK in life. It took a long time for me to stop running
| away from things because I didn't trust anyone for a long time.
| I'm still cynical and paranoid, but I have a steady government
| job, a solid early retirement plan, and a supportive wife that
| loves me.
|
| People are surprised I didn't amount to more in life, but I live
| my life 100% on my terms, and that's what's important to me.
|
| Not rich, not poor, but I enjoy life in general.
| underwood2396 wrote:
| ACE 3 (but that feels one too high). I consider myself to have
| had a good childhood with loving parents. My father never had a
| relationship with his father. I think that abandonment is a
| factor in some of the emotional dysregulation issues he's dealt
| with throughout his life. I'm the oldest and, when I was really
| young, he also had some issues with drugs and alcohol that were
| basically dealt with by the time my siblings came along.
|
| I was identified as gifted in 1st grade. It got to a point where
| I was teaching myself and working from 3rd and 4th grade
| textbooks in class, so the school basically told my parents I
| either needed to skip grades or go somewhere that would allow me
| to work at an accelerated pace because "otherwise, he's going to
| get frustrated and end up hating school." Parents moved me to a
| private school that taught in kind of an alternative style. The
| closest thing I can approximate it to is somewhat Montessori
| style. Starting in 1st grade, I basically sat in a cubicle and
| self-taught myself every subject. I had a minimum amount of
| course work to complete for each subject each day, and I was also
| in charge of grading my own work. If you got your work done, you
| graded and corrected your work accurately, and didn't get in
| trouble for anything else, then they had a "privileges" system
| that basically allowed you to play board games or, at times,
| wander the school grounds to do things like shoot baskets. I
| remember days where my school work took maybe an hour total. When
| I was in 9th grade, that school moved to a more traditional high
| school class setup, which was pretty boring for me. I'd been so
| far ahead before the change though that it allowed me to take a
| couple honors courses at the local university 1st semester of
| senior year and then graduate a semester early, where I spent
| that semester interning on Capitol Hill.
|
| Growing up, I always did really well on standardized testing. I'd
| think I did terrible if I scored below the 97th percentile. For
| the college entrance exams, I scored National Merit Scholar
| level. In college, I tested at 137 and 142 (different IQ tests,
| don't recall which two).
|
| Because the private school was small and "unaccredited" at the
| time, I suspect that led me to miss out on potential
| opportunities at more exclusive universities. Instead, I ended up
| attending a large state university (still a decent school).
| There, I had to teach myself how to study (never needed to
| before) and learn to balance attendance (for a subset of classes,
| I could skip lectures and still score highly on tests, but that
| sometimes bit me because I'd get dinged for missed attendance).
| Around junior year, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD.
|
| I've spent my career working in the technology side of
| consulting. I'd classify myself as "somewhat satisfied" with my
| life. Career-wise, I've consciously made some decisions that I
| knew would potentially slow my career advancement in the interest
| of my family and trying to have a more sustainable work/life
| balance.
|
| I'll be honest, I don't feel like my brain is put to great use
| most of the time. (Counterintuitively, that seems to get somewhat
| worse the more I advance.) I stay working in the field mainly
| because the nature of the work brings change and new challenges
| (new clients, new problems, etc.) and because I highly value
| working with intelligent people (and I'd put most of my coworkers
| in that category). Once in a while, something comes along that
| really allows me to leverage my natural strengths and shine.
| Between, I can get very bored and almost go on autopilot at times
| (some of that is the ADHD). Or I'm been viewed as performing
| well, but know deep down that I am only doing a fraction of what
| I am capable of. I constantly battle my ADHD tendencies.
|
| I've had to adapt over the years in many ways. With the way I
| grew up, I'm very self-sufficient, so it took concerted effort to
| learn to delegate. In general, I had to learn patience. I think I
| was an okay manager but getting better at both of those things
| made me much better on the management side of things.
|
| The rest of the "somewhat" response stems mostly to some marriage
| challenges over the past few years. That's another story but some
| of what I've described plays a small role there. Ex: it can wear
| on a partner when the other partner has a strong memory and is
| usually right, or when you the other partner is several steps
| ahead of the other when thinking something through, even when it
| isn't a competitive thing and you are just trying to get to the
| best or most accurate answer.
| iamleppert wrote:
| ACE 8. Despite a promising start in life, things deteriorated
| rapidly.
|
| Mother was in and out of mental hospitals during much of teenage
| years, abusive, narcissistic. Father was alcoholic, absent,
| frequent bouts of adultery. Eventually they divorced when I was
| 12. Sent to live with grandparents who didn't want me, very
| abusive, cruel and neglectful. Changed my opinion on my family
| during those years.
|
| Father eventually remarried, mother did not. Mother died of
| suicide at age 58. Step mother also died of suicide at age 48. No
| relationship with any other family members.
|
| Diagnosed with ADHD, depression and anxiety. Also was born with
| severe hemophilia and had to deal with all that on top of
| everything, gay. Despite all that, was able to train myself as a
| software engineer and have a decent career.
|
| That said, knowing what I know now, if given the choice from the
| beginning, I would choose not to live this life even if it meant
| a chance of having a worse life.
| calderarrow wrote:
| Off-topic, but did anyone attend Johns Hopkins CTY camp as a kid?
| I did it for 9 straight summers, and while the name is a bit
| pretentious, it was one of the best experiences I had. I am
| curious if anyone is an alum, since the overlap of CTY and HN
| seems pretty unique atm.
|
| https://cty.jhu.edu/
| carbine wrote:
| ACE 2. labelled gifted as a young kid. have always struggled with
| people pleasing, and I've had a hard time finding my own center
| and figuring out who I am. I just focused a lot on external
| achievement in my youth.
|
| I have undergone some rough trauma but most of the worst of it
| happened when I was an adult, so I feel fortunate and quite sad
| when reading some of the responses here.
|
| there's a lot of general disdain about 'former gifted kids' but I
| do think we often feel pretty 'different' from everyone else
| growing up, and that alone can be quite isolating.
|
| I manage, I do pretty good work I guess, but I'm definitely not
| as successful as I thought I would be. home/family life has
| always been hard. optimistic about the future.
|
| hugs to everyone here for making it this far, hang in there.
| virtualr wrote:
| ACE 5, I'm mid 30s now, standard bad stuff, parents died years
| ago.
|
| I stay somewhat mentaly healthy by being relentlessly busy. I
| don't give much weight to accomplishment, fear of being in a
| situation of poverty or vulnerability again drives me. I have
| some underlying mental issues, busyness helps keep them at bay
| and the sadness and pain has faded over time. At low points I try
| and remember it comes in waves.
|
| I have a wonderful wife and young child, they are my satisfaction
| and I feel lucky every day. I don't expect to live long past 60
| due to medical and historic reasons, so I intend to stay busy for
| the next ~25 years, do my best by them and try and leave a net
| positive on the world.
|
| Didn't know this existed, thank you for posting, reading these
| has been an eye opener.
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