[HN Gopher] Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how ...
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Ask HN: Former gifted children with hard lives, how did you turn
out?
For various life reasons, I developed depression, and I am autistic
and have ADHD (diagnosed, treated). I didn't get treatment for my
ADHD till after college. The point of this Ask HN isn't to start a
pity party, but I am just getting some data on how others like me
are doing. I have an ACE score of 6. Currently, I look
accomplished to people, but I don't feel accomplished. My estimated
networth is maybe 300K or more with home equity. My biggest concern
with my quality of life is I don't feel safe (don't ask). So
what's your ACE score, and how satisfied are you with your life?
ACE quiz: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-
shots/2015/03/02/3870079...
Author : askHN2024
Score : 127 points
Date : 2024-09-14 22:47 UTC (1 days ago)
| PaulHoule wrote:
| I don't have anything fashionable like ADHD or Autism or Dyslexia
| but I do have something you've never heard of
|
| https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypy
|
| Which doesn't have an autism-industrial complex or addictive pill
| mill complex behind it which is why you've never heard of it.
|
| I got numerous psych evals that always missed it, the first was
| before STPD (highly flawed, missing at least 1/3 of the
| phenomenon including the one that looks like 'ADHD') was added to
| the DSM. Maxxed all sub scales in the Weschler IQ test except for
| problem solving where I was just one SD over the mean (my brain
| shorting out caused that). I'm terrible at chess but got really
| good at math in college despite never being able to score better
| than 90% on a math quiz in high school. (got a PhD in theoretical
| physics). My verbal intelligence is too high to measure because
| I've maxxed every test I've tried. As a kid I would go to the
| YMCA every Saturday for gym and swim and then check out 10 books
| from the public library and more or less I do that today.
|
| I'm an arch reductionist and don't believe in any of it but I am
| great with crystal balls, dowsing rods and ouija boards. Knowing
| what I know now I should have been an onmyoji. Somehow I can't
| form a 'whole' the way other people though but I can hold two
| contradictory systems inside myself simultaneously. I can be a
| bridge between two groups for a while but eventually it goes bad.
|
| Got bullied as a kid, graduated from elementary school the same
| way Ender Wiggin did. No complaints about parents but they were
| working class and had no idea how to help me in professional
| life, couldn't afford to get me more than one year in a private
| school. (Where the bullying stopped) Got a lot of great
| opportunities, blew many of them.
|
| Been with the same woman for 30 years, had a child, had steady
| work except for the times I didn't. My rank in terms of 'living
| in a beautiful place' is probably better than my karma rank on
| HN. My wealth is probably better than the median for my cohort
| but I haven't 'made it big'.
|
| I still do strange off putting things that drive some people away
| (always failed at trying to have an affair); I understand a lot
| know about the how and why but it is very hard to stop. When my
| condition is inflamed I have paranoid ideation towards physical
| objects (I was waving my arms around but it sure seemed I was
| attacked by the potted plant I knocked down) or family (why the
| hell is my wife standing where my pills are and why did she move
| right to the sink after I got them?)
|
| There is very little clinical data on my condition, I'm a bit
| afraid I'll get really mean and psychotic if I develop dementia.
|
| I am sure some of you who think you have ADHD and/or autism have
| it too.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| You sound like someone I'd love to have a beer with, cheers! I
| am glad you were able to overcome bad stuff in life and feel
| overall okay!
|
| I know it may not necessarily be correct, but my self-performed
| assessments from online quizzes of Schizotypal disorder are
| negative or minimal. It's good to have information about such
| conditions, regardless.
| VirusNewbie wrote:
| I scored 3.
|
| Took me a while to actually try hard things, because I was afraid
| of failure.
|
| It wasn't until my mid thirties I started really pushing myself,
| embracing the fact that failure was a part of life, and changing
| my trajectory in a dramatic way.
|
| ~7 years later, I've got a nice house (2M), 1M in the bank, 2
| kids, loving wife, and a handful of close friends I see often.
|
| It was a tough road getting here, but life is good.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| Amazing, thanks for sharing!
|
| I don't have anyone to talk to about any of this, so it's
| helpful to see how others have done. It's helpful to me as a
| guide of sorts.
|
| I appreciate you sharing your experiences!
| sibeliuss wrote:
| I can very much relate here. Ace score of 5. Took me until
| until my mid thirties as well to shake it and start to try, and
| I'm happy I did.
| euranon96 wrote:
| I scored 6, I turned my life "around" in some sense and pursued
| software engineering at 22 years old, after just neglecting my
| own wellbeing for at the time feeling like ages. Now at 28 I'm a
| senior engineer in a international corporation, it's not a tech
| company, but still something that i can feel good about.
| relationships and hobbies are good, but the pressure from
| performing on all fronts is some times so much that i fall into
| dysfunction and despair. but i feel like im building better
| coping mechanisms all the time when paying attention
| askHN2024 wrote:
| You sound awesome, good for you! Coping mechanisms can get
| tricky if they're around food, drinks or drugs. I try to be
| mindful about these as well.
| MrMan wrote:
| I never heard of the ACE score, I just took a quiz and I would
| score a 6. I am a failure since high school, never went to
| college and had a period of 12 years of scraping the bottom of
| the barrel but I got a tech support job through a friend after
| not touching a computer for 15 years and then retaught myself
| programming after not doing any since middle school. managed to
| leverage that into a job at a quant trading firm by luck. I am
| still a failure but I have used my ability to learn and absorb
| information to build a stable life. success is always just beyond
| arms reach but luckily success doesnt matter I am just happy to
| be alive able to keep learning and making things. and now I have
| LLMs to help me
| EdwardDiego wrote:
| I got 5, was annoyed it only asked about mothers being hit, when
| it was my mother doing the hitting, learned how to take a punch
| from her... ...but anyway, turned out alright I think.
|
| I mean, one rather disastrous marriage, but I've got full custody
| of my amazing kids.
|
| And yeah, I'm the same, don't feel accomplished but reality is
| I'm doing financially better than most people in my country.
|
| I am currently working on undoing a lifetime of negativity
| towards myself, left home at 15, never graduated from high
| school, never got a degree, but have managed to take some
| computer science papers via correspondence. (Diagnosed with ADHD
| at 40, but obviously had it as a kid, my mother preferred a
| pseudo-science approach, which didn't work)
| askHN2024 wrote:
| You've accomplished something to be proud of. I am in the same
| place, working on dealing with a lot of negativity towards
| myself. I hope you find your way out of it too. Best of luck!
| BugsBunny1991 wrote:
| How smart are you really if you're going to let society's idea of
| "gifted" hang over you?
| greazy wrote:
| A lot of comments and yours are heavily focusing on materialistic
| and financial status. While money or access to it is important to
| feel safe, it is not all there is to measure and compare.
|
| What about friends and family? Partners? Children? Activities?
| Hobbies?
|
| I scored a 2 it I noticed a lot of the questions focused on
| physical and alcoholic/drug abuse. I grew up in a
| culture/religion where none of these things existed but my I
| would classify my family and up bringing as dysfunctional and
| emotionally neglected.
|
| Financially, I don't own a house nor can I afford one where I
| live. My job is secure and pays plenty to live comfortably
| renting. I don't think I will be able to retire in my country due
| to the cost of living.
|
| I have no hobbies and very little friends. None Id call good
| friends. I have a partner and a dog.
|
| Overall I'm happy with my life.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| I am glad you scored a 2! I understand that such scores do not
| adequately capture the severity of someone's circumstances,
| even if they say yes to one question.
|
| I like to think I am working myself up to a partner and a dog,
| but opening to people is hard. It's a work in progress.
| tomcam wrote:
| For me material and financial success represent dramatically
| increased safety. My goal was not to live in the same kind of
| gang infested place I grew up in. And it means I can afford the
| $50k a year I pay in health insurance for first-rate medical
| care.
| keyboardcaper wrote:
| This is how gangs benefit the economy.
| EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK wrote:
| 50k a year is a gang extortion rate.
| tomcam wrote:
| Very grateful I can afford it. Shitload of preexisting
| conditions in my family.
| mrangle wrote:
| I took the quiz, but am going to decline to give a score or other
| info. Maybe consider me to be qualified to comment, however.
|
| I understand "unsafe', albeit this is a little vague. But I get
| it. Given that, I surmise that your core resultant issue is
| unyielding anxiety. That's rough, and arguably the roughest.
|
| What you are likely missing is truly competent support. Which
| would be either a smart family member, a rare engaged friend, or
| a rare professional. That's what most Autistic 1 people will be
| missing: a talented mediator between them and the world. Double
| plus so if the patient has trauma (ie: ACE 6).
|
| If you are lacking true support, you are lucky that you aren't
| underemployed or even homeless. In that, you are quite
| accomplished. Keep in mind that many or even most other people in
| your divergent position aren't so. Good on you.
|
| In my opinion, everyone with Autism 1 should be considered to be
| at risk for homelessness and provided with engaged support by one
| institution or another (under insurance). And that there should
| be specialists trained to socially assist those with Autism 1.
| Not with social training, but with workplace and associated
| mediation. And then with expert career guidance as a distant
| second. Logically in my opinion, a next step for screening the
| homeless and drug addicts, after they get clean, should be for
| autism.
|
| Relentlessly seek that support, even if you have to pay for it,
| in order to help to continue to assure your good status. It may
| take awhile to find, but the search doesn't start until it does.
|
| I'm a little bit curious about comorbid autism and ADHD. I'd make
| a mid-confidence wager that you are referring to ADHD-PI. On a
| personal note, I think that ADHD-PI is usually if not always a
| symptom of Autism 1. In other words, it is a spectrum symptom.
| But if the meds help, then they do.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| The co-occurrence of these conditions is an extensive area of
| research, there is some evidence which suggests what you're
| saying, and other evidence which says the two conditions are
| distinct. I also read somewhere that both conditions are in
| fact part of a larger, underlying one. Here's an interesting
| paper on the genetic profiles
| https://www.nature.com/articles/s41588-022-01171-3
|
| Thanks for sharing your insights, I think you're absolutely
| right about the role and need for a mentor.
| shermantanktop wrote:
| Got a 3, product of the gifted ed system, with a few other
| challenges that aren't counted in ACE, plus a healthy dash of
| what could be called self-sabotage as I began to make my adult
| way.
|
| Now, decades later, I'm doing fine, better than fine actually,
| but relative my fears I am doing unbelievably fantastically. Of
| course, relative to the sense of limitless potential that the
| gifted ed system tends to implant, I should have invented cold
| fusion by now.
|
| I long ago decided that the past was interesting but a terrible
| place to live. I consciously try hard to look forward and think
| about what I can do and not about what could have been or what
| other shadows might be lurking. That's not advice, it's just what
| I've done.
| aegis4244 wrote:
| My score was an 8. Depression of course. All the usual
| problems.Thought I was unhappy because no one loved me. Turned
| out to be the opposite. Found my own key to a joyful life at 31.
| Had my first child. Cared for someone else more than myself. Cut
| off all contact with my family 13 years ago, except my kids.
| Second best decision I ever made. Best was choosing to raise my
| girl on my own. You cant fix toxic people, but you can leave
| them. Later I met a woman who can tolerate me. She prefers to
| work, is very happy she met a man who would rather hang out with
| our kids than work. I read "The Happiness Equation in my late
| 40's, had already stumbled into my own life solutions, but that
| book really helped explain WHY I felt my life had improved so
| much. You can get to a mental place you feel safe. You only get
| so many trips around the sun, take them with a smile, never waste
| a moment comparing yourself to anyone else. Best of luck.
| tomcam wrote:
| Beaten, neglected, molested, unsafe, etc. Many family & friends
| died from drugs, disease, poor life choices. Read books on
| success & business. Moved out at 16. Taught myself programming
| and business. Married a hot smart fellow nerd. Got good jobs,
| bought a business and monetized it. Had fantastic kids. Grateful
| every day to not be where I woke up. Retired to a farm recently.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| Sorry you had a rough start, but so glad you made it out. This
| is so awesome, glad to read it. Good luck to you all!
| malux85 wrote:
| Congrats, I'm very similar to you I'm just at the monetised it
| phase now, one day I hope to retire to a farm too :)
| tomcam wrote:
| Really more of a hobby farm. Was a dream of mine for 50 years
| before we bought it. Incredibly beautiful.
|
| My best to you and yours. It can be done!
| justmarc wrote:
| Great life story. There's nothing that cannot be achieved
| if you set your sights on it (and persist).
| malux85 wrote:
| Thank you! Yes I think mine would be a hobby farm too, I
| want some cute lambs and a goat and somewhere to have some
| orange trees, that's about it ^.^
| throwaway6734 wrote:
| Congratulations and thank you for breaking the cycle.
| tomcam wrote:
| Thanks much. That was indeed my goal.
| taylorhou wrote:
| ACE score of 0. Based on the questions, I had a gifted
| upbringing. I need to do more with my life considering.
| hiAndrewQuinn wrote:
| ACE = 4 here, 30 years old for reference. Pretty satisfied!
|
| My net worth is currently less than a tenth of yours, however,
| because to get here I took the drastic step of moving to Europe
| and going no contact with my immediate family for a couple of
| years.
|
| I chose to focus on getting married and starting a wonderful
| family first, with the woman of my dreams there, before I started
| really stepping on the career gas pedal, and I think that was
| absolutely the right choice for me at the time.
| luu wrote:
| Scored a 6 or a 7, depending on the answer to one question that
| I'm not sure of. I think more likely 7 than 6.
|
| This pretty obviously impacted my happiness when I lived with an
| abusive parent and I have some physical issues that could
| possibly be related to starving so much as a kid and some others
| that fall out of not getting basic dental care, but I don't think
| it's obvious that my background is a dominant factor in how happy
| or satisfied I am. I find it plausible that my resilience in
| certain situations is lower than it otherwise would be due to my
| background, but it's not clear that it's even lower than average
| in those situations. And, overall, I was probably happier and
| more satisfied with my life than most people starting a couple
| years after moving out on my own until a few years ago.
|
| Maybe the version of me that wasn't abused so much as a kid
| would've been even happier or maybe that version would still have
| above average life satisfaction today, but maybe not.
| kingkongjaffa wrote:
| I got a 6.
|
| My university scholarships were based on a few factors including
| my area code / postal code being considered as "deprived" meaning
| high crime, low income and low education attainment.
|
| I personally don't have any issues (I don't think).
| childintime wrote:
| I think you have to grow up a bit. There's more to life than the
| rat race, and if you score high, you should be participating in
| the direction of life. Not just follow the crumbs laid down by
| others. Or chose their side.
|
| You're not a rat, and it helps other people if you don't act like
| one scared little mouse. Especially if you got decent brains.
| It's hurts them morally when they have to compete with you when
| they should have an ally.
|
| Yeah, there is so much pressure to just stop living (and follow
| the crumbs), and there's no way to achieve anything of worth
| outside of it. No friends for example, supposedly. As we all are
| trapped, and we do it to ourselves, self apply the Matrix and
| tragically be the enemy of our loving destiny.
|
| Those who realize they are trapped have traditionally, and
| wisely, kneeled to Christ, and have typically been rewarded with
| a new life. Amen. But if you have decent brains you might also
| compassionately reason a way out, or identify those that have
| done so, and join their quest.
|
| Stop living your life as if it's just you. It's not. The rat race
| lies about you. And the collective lies about you. Grow a spine.
| These are the facts of life. And as Christianity fades they get
| pushed into our faces. We have to deal with a self serving
| collective, that makes us into enemies. Especially us in the
| software realm mindlessly masturbate to our own bank accounts,
| while we know better, and that political future needs us. Instead
| we mindlessly empower ever bigger titans. Karma will come round.
|
| Yes this alternative future needs a business model, to take care
| of the individuals that are currently starved out of resistance,
| including by you, and out of their potential to be the good they
| know they can be.
|
| While there is no business, you still have an excuse. But once it
| exists, in it you'll be working to empower the ones on your side,
| fully and completely sharing your life. Our beautiful but
| deficient society demands it is so extreme, for it itself is a
| tangent.
|
| Therefore the king shall work his way up, and be compassionate.
| And as he rises the powers that be will see an enemy, and will
| fight with fud. And all what their profits can buy. But they will
| also see a prophecy taking aim at them. The angels in high
| heaven, and their master, which surely do not exist, right?
|
| Do what is right and the future will come to you.
| bendigedig wrote:
| I would be wary of drawing conclusions from this cohort you are
| questioning on hacker news.
|
| It almost certainly holds only a small portion of the individuals
| from rough childhood backgrounds.
|
| And don't forget that a number suffering the most will have taken
| the 'ultimate opt-out' from this forum.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| I get what you're saying, but knowing other people had similar
| experiences and found some measure of life satisfaction is
| helpful to me, and I hope it's also helpful to someone else.
| rendx wrote:
| I have an ACE score of 6. I vastly benefit from trauma therapy:
| EMDR, IoPT (constellations), hypnotherapy, somatic experiencing,
| nonviolent communication. It helped me get out of most of my
| previous addictions, and I do not need to take any medication. I
| consider myself to be quite happy, and was able to build secure
| attachments and bonds.
| mrangle wrote:
| Which was most helpful? Or if you can't pick one then what were
| the best two?
| dieseleweasel wrote:
| ACE score of 6.
|
| I'm in my mid twenties. Got a decent SWE job, net worth around 0$
| but I just got rid of most of my debts which is nice.
|
| Extremely anxious all the time and depressed, still traumatized
| by a lot of stuff, zero social life at the moment, never managed
| to maintain any long term relationships(both in terms of friends
| and partners), not great physical health but it's getting better.
|
| I'm not completely unsatisfied with my life, given the
| circumstances it was much more likely to be a lot worse. But it
| definitely could be a lot better.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| I think you're doing so, so well. I have reservations about
| making close relationships too because of my past, so it's a
| common pattern amongst people with traumatic experiences. I
| plan to try out a hobby group but time hasn't been so flexible.
|
| I've seen other people fall into the trap of thinking that
| their body is a meatbag for their brain. I've personally found
| that exercise helps me so much with both reducing depressive
| symptoms and maintaining focus.
|
| Hope you find whatever it is which you think will make your
| life better, take care!
| brudgers wrote:
| All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is
| unhappy in its own way.
|
| The ACE test is convenient and that makes it useful. It validates
| people's experiences and that makes it a good thing.
|
| I have a pretty clear idea of how and why my childhood was the
| way it was. I could stretch and analog my lived experiences to
| fit the questions.
|
| Gifted has been bullshit in the water where I swim for a long
| time. Invisible. Dissolved. Gifted was a reason to be othered.
| Formally. Informally. By institutions, neighbors, family.
|
| The ACE questions were useful to me this morning. As a starting
| point. I'd forgotten how being labeled gifted actually felt.
| Worse things have happened to other people. I am not competing.
| Good luck.
| bradlys wrote:
| 7
|
| I'd say the biggest struggle hasn't been financial independence,
| overcoming a rough childhood, or getting out of rural hell - it's
| been dating. That was set in stone by my genetics being such
| trash. I'm 34 and only ever had one partner who would only stay
| with me on the condition that I paid for everything and would
| receive no emotional support.
|
| By most measures, I am far more successful than most people you'd
| meet but I consider myself one of the least successful people
| because all I've ever wanted is for someone to love me and to
| build a loving family. Life is cruel.
| meiraleal wrote:
| Are you in your top fitness condition? Most of the times,
| looking good means being in your top health condition, right
| body weight and % bodyfat below 13% (for men).
| bradlys wrote:
| Yes. I'm facially ugly.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| I am sorry you're going through that. I am not in a rural
| place, but I feel isolated all the same because I mask
| everything. I feel that if I trust someone enough, I'll open up
| to them. I am working up to it.
|
| Be wary of advice which says you need to be good looking to
| expect reasonable behavior from a partner. I've been told I am
| attractive, but it can sometimes bring the wrong kind of
| attention that doesn't really provide emotional support and
| personal wellbeing.
|
| Looking good can be its own reward, but it's not a requirement
| for finding a close relationship, I think.
|
| Take care.
| 486sx33 wrote:
| I don't think my history is important but I grew up in a home of
| 5 children (I'm the oldest), single (divorced) mother with far
| under the poverty line for a single person income.
|
| I don't know this test is very good, but my score was 7
|
| My situation was not great, but I had many neighbors and friends
| in school with far worse situations.
|
| I think, and have come to believe that, a difficult upbringing
| has many benefits in later life .
|
| 1. You know right from wrong, you've seen wrong 2. Empathy comes
| easier to you 3. You know exactly what you don't want your life
| to look like 4. You value opportunity 5. You aren't scared of
| people who have less wealth than you - further, you can figure
| out, quickly, who is poor but ambitious to improve their life, or
| poor and doesn't care about anything. 6. Drugs are pure EVIL
|
| All of my siblings have excellent careers now and excellent
| family lives, we all have wonderful spouses and there are 17
| grandchildren with 1 more on the way!
|
| I had over 1 million in net worth at 35. This continues to
| improve but doesn't matter to me anymore, that was my milestone.
|
| I don't do scams, I don't rip people off, I don't do work or take
| money to help others accomplish dishonest goals. I am comfortable
| working alone or in groups. In groups took a lot of work.
|
| Please, believe in the power of positive thinking. This was key
| for me.
| askHN2024 wrote:
| Thanks to all for sharing their experiences. To me, this thread
| has been like sharing battle scars. I am not trying to make light
| of people who have actual battle scars, my respect to them too.
| taurath wrote:
| ACE is 7. Done more in the social realm and have a lot of friends
| and close relationships. Prioritized life stability in work over
| my 20s and early 30s to decent but not overwhelming success by
| self-teaching coding, but all of it started to unravel and I had
| to take years off from work to work on trauma, which really
| decimated my savings, but gave me a new lease on life and I feel
| like a lot of my traumas are processed now and I can live a real
| life. I spent most of my 20s remembering maybe a dozen total
| events from before I was in high school.
|
| I'm currently looking to come back to work after 3 years off
| which is feeling extremely difficult. Places I apply obviously
| don't want to know what I've been through, and so I have to fight
| the assumption that I didn't have a job because of competence.
| Nearly went on long term disability but found it so onerous and
| restrictive I'd have rather died.
|
| Just want to work again at this point so I can have a hope of not
| retiring poor - I never once expected to live this long.
| scruple wrote:
| I'm fine today but the decade following high school graduation
| was really rough for me. Stints of homelessness, substance abuse,
| depression, run-ins with law enforcement (some deserved, some
| not). I ended up enlisted in the military to escape my situation
| and it worked out for me. I'm in AAA games today but have had a
| good career in software engineering and we could probably retire
| today if we were willing to move to a LCOL area. But we aren't,
| because...
|
| Today we have a rich and deep group of close friends, mostly
| formed around our children, and I pour myself into my family
| obligations. I'm trying to develop small communities where I live
| and it's starting to pan out. Again, it's primarily based around
| our children, but we've developed some lasting connections with a
| couple of other parents.
|
| I'm currently building a 2D 16-bit platformer with my (twin)
| daughters, who are 5. I let them pick out some asset packs to use
| and, once I get this level editor finished, will have them help
| build levels. My aim is to get it running on a SteamDeck (will
| just copy the required files over) and let them play it on the TV
| via the dock. They've seen a bit of Mario and Zelda so far and
| are curious for more. I figured this way would be a bit more
| hands-on and they could get some sense of how the sausage gets
| made.
| effingwewt wrote:
| Aside- why is OP heavily flagged and dead for perfectly
| substantive and even supportive comments.
| KolenCh wrote:
| My ACE score is 7, but I don't feel like that for 2 reasons:
|
| 1. there are some questions that technically I should answer
| "Yes", but is of milder scale of the spectrum. 2. I occasionally
| shared my upbringing to other people, and they are all very
| surprised. Once I shared with a group of "trainee chaplains", the
| teachers are commenting something like "why I'm describing my
| experience without the emotion", that is, when I talked about
| something very sad, I am smiling when saying it out. And they
| also pointed out that I often are asking "why" when facing
| different situations. I.e. I tends to become "philosophical".
|
| May be because of my upbringing then, I loved mathematics since I
| was a kid. I remember myself once said when I was very young, "I
| love mathematics because it concerns truth, that is independent
| of our existence, nor the existence of the universe for that
| matter." In the hindsight, I think it might be some sort of
| protective mechanism for me to escape from the reality.
|
| But perhaps because of my upbringing, I've taken many detours in
| life. When I was in secondary school, I have no motivation to
| study anything, and so my academic results were very bad.
| Fortunately, I like to read books, and got interested in popular
| books on math and physics, and also read a lot of computer
| magazines. That helps me having good grades in those subjects.
| Eventually I was discovered to be gifted because of physics
| olympiad. And that changed the course of my life. Had that didn't
| happen, I'm not sure if I would even got into university, let
| alone having a PhD.
|
| So in this sense the "gifted" part of your question becomes my
| ticket to get out of my "hard life".
|
| Unfortunately, life is complicated. First, having a "hard life",
| I don't have anyone to guide me making good decisions. Like the
| sort of decisions about making life choices, how to pursue goal
| in life (or resist the temptation to pursue too many goals), etc.
| Or work ethics, self-disipline, etc. Raw talent can only help so
| far, and as I ages I found that while my will can be strong, my
| body is getting weaker (e.g. can't get too much all nighters
| anymore.) Finally, I made a fatal mistakes to want to help
| everyone, including my parents. That puts me into a financial
| disaster and almost ruined my career and life.
|
| How satisfied am I with my life now? "Thinking" helps. As a
| christian studying the bible theologically, it does shape my
| world view in a way I can "let go" and don't dwell in the
| hardship I had. As a researcher, my "thinking" is my primary
| value to get a job. A bonus of being a researcher is that I'm far
| away from home, so that I get much less connected with those
| negativity back home than in the past, and the change in my
| wellbeing is noticeable to my wife. Loving "thinking" means I
| love reading and listening to podcasts, enriching my perspectives
| in life.
|
| The most fulfilling part of my life is my family, I have a lovely
| wife, a lovely baby.
|
| Financially we aren't brilliant. But somehow, even as both my
| wife and I grew up from very poor families, we don't value money
| too much. I just don't find it motivating to make a ton of money,
| nor measures my success based on that. (It doesn't mean we don't
| have financial stress, as supporting a family of 3 including a
| baby in the UK is quite harsh.)
|
| I feel that your life is getting better, but not to the point you
| felt satisfied yet. I hope you'll find your satisfaction, and
| meanwhile, don't worry too much. You have seen many hardships.
| You're tough and you can handle it when it comes. Don't dwell too
| much on those that may come though. Good luck!
| binary132 wrote:
| Very uplifting read, thanks for sharing. God be with you and
| your family.
| chasd00 wrote:
| ACR score of 7 all the people involved in that score are dead
| save for 1. Don't have any contact with that person except over a
| group SMS chat and it's fine. I'm 48, married, two awesome
| teenage boys and doing well. Not sure why, all the therapists
| over the years I've seen with my wife are typically just
| perplexed by me. I do what brings me joy and take care of those
| that depend on me, that's it. That strategy has worked out ok so
| far so I'll keep doing it until it doesn't. _shrug_
| varelse wrote:
| ACE score of 5. I turned out badly. Rich, but badly. Just ask any
| of the data faking cheating scientists I channeled my trauma into
| exposing who got me kicked out of academia. But that's how I got
| rich. Money changes everything.
|
| You will never feel safe. You will instead build a life, a
| portfolio, and a network of friends as a surrogate for feeling
| safe. And you can trust my words, I'm shadowbanned.
| trogdor wrote:
| > Just ask any of the data faking cheating scientists I
| channeled my trauma into exposing who got me kicked out of
| academia. But that's how I got rich.
|
| I don't know what you are referring to, but I am curious. Would
| you explain?
| ryandv wrote:
| ACE of 7, labelled as "gifted" as some point but was somehow
| talked out of pursuing accelerated education programs by a
| parent, grew increasingly disenchanted with the education system
| but managed to get my shit together enough to make it into a top-
| tier university program until family issues re-emerged and I
| ended up dropping out.
|
| Still made it out OK as a homeowner with no student debt, but
| between the first 20-odd years of my life spent limping along and
| trying to pick up the pieces from my "adverse childhood" and
| another 4 or so odd years of pandemic lockdown, it feels like
| much of my early life was taken from me against my will.
|
| I am satisfied with my achievements in spite of my tumultuous
| upbringing. That being said there will always be an undercurrent
| of "wasted potential" or "what if" I had the fortune of more
| fortuitous life circumstances.
|
| As a sidebar I also am absolutely apoplectic with the blatantly
| sexist assumption in one of the ACE questions that it is the
| father who physically abuses the mother or threatens them with a
| weapon, but given that this is NPR I am not surprised.
| sagolikasoppor wrote:
| How do you know if you're gifted?
| Marsymars wrote:
| Presumably you get told you're gifted by the education system
| following some assessment.
|
| Personally, I'd never even _heard_ of the term "gifted" until
| I left home for university, it wasn't a thing that existed in
| the rural location where I grew up.
| trogdor wrote:
| Was school consistently easier for you than it was for your
| classmates? Was it _much_ easier for you? How about compared to
| your smartest classmates?
|
| I think the answers to those questions are pretty strong
| indicators. Fundamentally, though, IMO most people who are
| gifted know it.
| eastbound wrote:
| My ACE is 0 (lucky me, my solidarity goes to all of you).
| Although childhood problems are a grave impediment for life, do
| you think you come out stronger / more brave than people with no
| problem?
|
| For example I turned out a workaholic because I couldn't find how
| to have success in my affective life. I'm 40, fit, correctly
| rich, but with a deep unsatisfaction about romantic life. Should
| I just be brave about it and satisfy myself with being single, or
| would a brave person deal about it?
| cbanek wrote:
| ACE score of 7. I kept my head down at home with abusive parents
| and did everything I could to leave that environment as soon as
| possible. Got admitted into a state school for the gifted where
| you lived on campus.
|
| I've been diagnosed with bipolar and depression, but I've had
| what most people would probably consider a successful career, but
| every day been a struggle. I've always struggled with depression
| and feeling abandoned by my family. Pretty much have a life by
| myself with very few people involved. I don't talk with my
| family.
|
| Decades of therapy and medication, and it honestly really doesn't
| help.
| bookofjoe wrote:
| This is the first time I've heard of an ACE score; I had to look
| up what it stood for:
| https://www.christineortollcharity.org/post/adverse-childhoo...
|
| I suspect I'm not the only one here in this boat.
| trogdor wrote:
| It's defined in the link at the end of the post.
| bookofjoe wrote:
| Should I have to click on a link to find out what an acronym
| cited in a post means?
| CaveTech wrote:
| Yes
| Unbefleckt wrote:
| I just got a 6 on the ACE test you linked.
|
| I lost interest in formal education and ended up having a baby
| and dropping out, then going back to study psychology as the
| foundation stuff covers child psychology and development a lot. I
| found a combination of this and being mindful not to repeat the
| mistakes of my parent(s) really helped raising the kids
| incredibly easy. We were never going to be rich, but we were
| happy.
|
| I got into health and fitness, which I always considered lame,
| because my dad died from being unhealthy and unfit and didn't
| want to inflict that pain on my own baby. It helped me think
| clearer and faster and made me feel safe, confident and I became
| quite extroverted. I felt that this and reading a good chunk of
| philosophical literature in my spare time really "fixed" a lot of
| mental health issues I had. I've spent most of my life working
| jobs around my lifestyle, even if it means having less money, I
| seem to be pretty good at living off a small amount of money and
| not living in misery even with the family, I have more in savings
| and investments than people I met that work 2-3x more than me. I
| work less hours so I get more time to read, create, be with
| family, get exercise and sun, meet friends, prepare meals, work
| on community projects etc.
|
| Maybe it's a cope for being constantly told that I'm going to "go
| far" and being too lazy, distracted or disinterested in doing it
| (I wince every time someone praises my intelligence) but I'm
| happy that I have the freedom and opportunities to always be
| improving myself and trying new things, my only complaint is that
| life is too short for me to possibly indulge in everything that
| interests me.
| jzellis wrote:
| I'm not autistic and my family was more emotionally neglectful
| than anything else, but I had a miserable childhood nonetheless.
| I was a child prodigy who could read aloud by two and a half, I
| was studied by pediatric developmental psychologists, etc. IQ of
| 185 at last check, which was 30 years ago.
|
| Unfortunately, I either inherited type two bipolar depression or
| it's just what happens when you're very smart and see the world
| as it is. It has undermined me my entire life. But I also have
| zero competitive streak and I find material ambition
| embarrassing. So I've never been particularly financially
| successful.
|
| Been a coder and writer my entire adult life. Started writing
| professionally when I was 18, had a column in an alt weekly in a
| major city before I was 23 and was Pulitzer nominated when I was
| 25. At the same time I was first a web designer and then a dev.
| I've worked for a few promising startups but they always did what
| most startups do. In retrospect, I was already burned out by the
| mid-2000s but I kept going because I thought I'd either get rich
| or find something worth my time.
|
| Had a heart attack at 38 and another at 42 that nearly killed me.
| Had a triple bypass and moved to England to marry my girlfriend.
| Now I've got heart failure and spinal problems from a lifetime
| hunched over a computer and all the health problems you get from
| a lifetime of being a freelancer or contractor without insurance.
|
| But I've lived an amazing life so far. I've traveled, partied,
| been witness to history, done what I wanted to do and followed my
| heart and will. I've done some good things for the world, I
| think. Now I'm writing a new social network app to fix the
| problems with the existing ones, working on a book about how to
| survive climate collapse if you're not a billionaire, and writing
| the best music I've ever written.
|
| You won't make yourself feel safe by getting rich or powerful.
| You'll feel safe when you've surrounded yourself with people you
| love and trust. That's all. It has nothing to do with success or
| ambition. However you find that, whatever it takes, make _that_
| your ambition. And to use whatever the universe gave you to make
| things less hard on you and everyone you can.
|
| If you're as bright as you seem to be, other people probably seem
| stupid. Maybe they are. But that doesn't make them any less human
| or any less important than you, and if you can see ways to make
| life kinder for them, do it and you'll never regret it.
| Everything else is just ego and self-reinforcement to drown out
| the things in your head that tell you you're not good enough or
| living up to your potential. Fuck that.
|
| If you try as hard as you can to make the world a kinder place
| than you found it, you've won. That's all you can do. That's the
| only real wisdom I've ever found. We are born falling from birth
| to death, and all we can choose is how we use our time in the
| air: we can enjoy the rush of the air in our ears and the view,
| we can try to make sure everybody falling around us has their
| parachute open, or we can open ours without a thought for anyone
| else and still fall...alone.
|
| I hope that helps.
| elric wrote:
| I started writing a reply about my childhood. But then I realized
| I would be sharing more than I'm comfortable sharing in public, I
| don't even feel comfortable creating a throwaway account to
| discuss this stuff.
| fortyseven wrote:
| Opsec awareness is brutal on public socialization.
| niemandhier wrote:
| Score is 5 but factor in racism which is not accounted for in the
| test.
|
| I decided age 6 I wanted to be Captain Picard or maybe phrased
| better: I decided to replace the absent positive male role model
| with idealised humanist diplomat/scientist.
|
| It worked out very well for me. My net worth is less than it
| could be because I decided to prioritise happiness over wealth,
| but I habe a great live.
|
| What saddens me is that, kids today do not even get stories that
| look positively in the future. Sometimes it feels all modern sci-
| fi is dystopian.
| jggonz wrote:
| I find this test interesting because I received an ACE score of
| 1, but I'm the oldest child in my household and I'm realizing
| that my siblings would probably score slightly higher than me...
| :-(
|
| I moved out when I was around 20 before alcoholism and divorce
| destroyed the beautiful family dynamic that I grew up with.
|
| This makes me want to try and understand the differences between
| myself and my siblings a bit more closely.
| yunyu wrote:
| Score of 6. Started and sold a YC startup
| shepherdjerred wrote:
| I have a score of 5. I was in my district's GT program [0] from
| 5th grade until graduation (I only mention this since you said
| "gifted" in the title and this is the most "official" proof that
| I have). I failed many classes in high school (algebra, chem,
| physics, English) mostly from lack of effort. I had a lot of
| trouble attending class during high school and dealt with
| depression.
|
| I went to college a couple of states away and being in that new
| environment helped a lot. By my senior year I was doing much
| better -- still had issues and only had a 3.2 GPA but I never
| failed a class. I was able to get an internship at AWS and a
| full-time job there after graduation.
|
| Now (at 27) I'm starting a new job at Pinterest tomorrow,
| doubling what I was making at my last job. I'm halfway through my
| masters in computer science. I don't think I have any giant
| accomplishments, but I'm definitely comfortable and
| conventionally successful. The biggest dissatisfaction I have are
| around relationships and fulfillment, though I am slowly making
| progress.
|
| I don't have any major diagnosed issues, but my upbringing
| definitely continues to have a huge impact on me. Therapy has
| helped a lot.
|
| [0]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gifted_education
| grendelt wrote:
| > "The biggest dissatisfaction I have are around relationships
| and fulfillment"
|
| Just know that relationships at work can be fleeting. They
| could leave, you could leave. The best work friends you have,
| you might stay in touch. You'll both look back on your time
| together fondly. But lasting relationships aren't usually found
| at the workplace. (Though they _can_.)
|
| And absolutely don't seek fulfillment from an employer. You're
| fulfilling _them_ - their needs, wishes, and goals. They 're
| fulfilling contractual obligations to you through your bank
| account just as you're fulfilling your work obligations to them
| through your efforts.
|
| Fulfillment comes from acceptance of who you are, personal
| appreciation of what you're good at, and doing things for your
| own personal satisfaction - not because it's demanded of you by
| someone else. Honestly, just look how far you've come. That's
| an accomplishment in and of itself and is worthy of
| appreciation. Nobody will ever tell you when "you've arrived"
| (other than your GPS). It comes through personal realization
| that you're a grown adult now, you're charting your own course
| in life, you can go where you want and do what you want. You're
| where you are because of your own actions. If you ever find
| yourself truly loathing where you are, you can change it.
| Finding contentment with where you are in life (geographically,
| financially, etc) is up to you. Don't like it, you can change
| it. When you say "this is where I want to be" will you begin to
| find contentment.
| JieJie wrote:
| ACE of 9. Founded two successful alt-weekly newspapers, worked on
| world-famous collectible card games, lost it all due to illness
| that nearly killed me, recovering and slowly making my way back.
|
| One thing a high ACE score did for me was make me an irresistible
| force, even as it seemed to turn the rest of the world into
| immovable objects.
| bebna wrote:
| 7, basically was cut of from the last family member last year I
| had hopes in for over a decade after helping her to get back up,
| that cost me dearly in my career and private social life.
|
| I pulled myself back up these year, don't have any holes in my CV
| and still have a job that pays enough so that I can put stuff
| aside. Which I'm taking as a win.
|
| I do have some friends left that I can trust, which I take as a
| win.
|
| Currently don't have a partner, but at least I not only recovered
| from the last break up, but I also got something slowly brewing
| that could become something or atleast another good friend.
| Taking that as a win.
|
| Middle aged and most health problems are manageable or in
| progress about getting better. Taking this as a neutral.
|
| Could have been in a much better space in life if specific people
| wouldn't have maliciously against me and I wouldn't have taken
| the risk on the one member I mentioned already. But I also could
| easily be, and see others, even some of my friends, in worse
| places.
|
| So I think, I did quite alright.
| vlod wrote:
| I am quite taken back (and a little choked up tbh) by the high
| numbers that people are reporting in the comments. I can't even
| imagine what that means.
|
| Seriously wishing you best to all of you.
| empressplay wrote:
| I'm a 7 but I grew up in the 80s lol. Diagnosed HFA as a child
| multiple times, high-IQ, was in gifted / IB programs
|
| Honestly most of the abuse I suffered happened at school, as the
| autistic "gay" kid I was constantly bullied and there was no
| interest on the part of school staff to do anything about it.
|
| When I was 16 I fell into a nicer crowd but they drank and
| partied a lot and I ended up dropping out in grade 12. Got work
| as a computer technician, did that for a decade or so, moved on
| to other stuff.
|
| The autism has been a real struggle that has become more
| challenging with age, and the memories of abuse do haunt me.
| Jerrrrrrry wrote:
| The larger the expectations, the harder it is for some to
| appreciate progress, and easier it is to not try at all.
|
| A self-destructive defeatist nihilistic attitude is easy to
| cultivate, especially among the bastards of the gifted.
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