[HN Gopher] Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence
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Ask HN: How do I improve my emotional intelligence
I feel like I'm very self aware, both internally and externally. I
know that what I will say (because of the way I will say it) will
be delivered badly and probably make the person sad/angry, but I
cannot find a way of fixing the words I use! I feel like I have a
big problem with my emotional intelligence. To fix this, I am
looking for a book that is what "The mom test" is to customer
discovery, but to Emotional Intelligence. What I mean by this is a
book that actually contains suggestions of what to say, word by
word, and how to be able to think and articulate what the other
person might come to think. Any suggestions?
Author : user0x1d
Score : 13 points
Date : 2024-03-28 19:25 UTC (3 hours ago)
| taylorbuley wrote:
| There's a lot of good input, but equally or more bad input, on
| this subject.
|
| I think Jeb Blount's book is one of the good ones:
| https://jebblount.com/product/sales-eq/
|
| It's definitely coming from a sales perspective, but that
| shouldn't hurt.
| achempion wrote:
| Look up "Peterson emotional intelligence" on YouTube to explore a
| slightly different take on emotional intelligence.
|
| Jordan Peterson argues that EQ doesn't exist, and you can explore
| your personality with the Big 5 (mostly agreeableness).
|
| I suggest also looking into "Nonviolent Communication by Marshall
| Rosenberg" as it closely matches the issue you described.
| azmodeus wrote:
| I watched his video and personally feel emotional intelligence
| is often used as a proxy of communication skills in general
| with agreeable motifs when needed
|
| I feel there's a strong skill aspect to it as the very
| emotionally intelligent people I came across had a lot of
| communication experience
| nemothekid wrote:
| EQ isn't rigidly defined, Peterson has been right on that
| metric, but I think to say it doesn't exist (or to equate it
| agreeableness) isn't right either. IMO, someone with poor EQ
| probably also demonstrates poor theory of mind (and I
| personally put Peterson in this camp).
|
| High EQ, as a skill, is mostly charisma, and can be learned.
| Dale Carnegie is a good first step, but it also has to be
| practiced with other people (which is also why I find it hard
| to develop - you can practice math equations in solitude, but
| you it's very hard to practice charisma).
| 01HNNWZ0MV43FF wrote:
| I wouldn't take advice from Peterson on agreeableness or
| emotional intelligence, he seems pretty unfriendly.
| aristofun wrote:
| Naturally I have a very good sense of people (like mirror neurons
| stuff). At the same time half the time i feel myself very awkward
| in communication, half the time - extremely well.
|
| From that and some other observations during life I conclude that
| "emotional intelligence" is one of those journalist pseudo-
| science memes (like "10k hours of work" idea et.) made up to make
| some extra money.
|
| On practical side - unless it is a serious issue causing extreme
| problems (like mental disorder) - you shouldn't bother about it.
|
| There will always be some who don't like, misunderstand, don't
| appreciate what and how you say. And there will always be the
| opposite, and everyone in between. Regardless of the amount of
| books you read.
| 486sx33 wrote:
| I would say you've taken the first step :)
| beezlebroxxxxxx wrote:
| It's difficult to see what you actually want.
|
| If your looking to understand people better, their aspirations,
| desires, reasons, I would recommend reading fiction, complex or
| realist/naturalist fiction in particular.
|
| Otherwise, you might look at conflict resolution books which
| often have step-by-step examples and suggestions.
|
| Also I would not be super hard on yourself. A lot of this simply
| comes from practice and trial and error of actually interacting
| with people. You can read all you want, but putting it into
| practice is different.
| theaussiestew wrote:
| I wouldn't recommend reading more books, psychology, theories or
| how to step guides. I've been in your shoes, good awareness but
| still offending or rubbing people the wrong way despite genuinely
| not intending to. I recommend a more experiential approach, which
| would obviously make more sense for something like our emotions.
| To be mentally capable one has to think more, to be emotionally
| capable one has to feel more. Therefore, I recommend meditation
| that is focused more on introspection, self-realisation. These
| processes will help you empathize more deeply with yourself,
| understand yourself deeply (much more deeply than merely in an
| intellectual manner) and then apply that to others. This way the
| dynamics between yourself and yourself, yourself and family, and
| finally yourself and others in the wider community will be
| clearer. The dynamics will then naturally resolve themselves over
| time. Good luck :)
| theaussiestew wrote:
| And I'd also like to add that psychological hacks and tricks,
| from books like "Never Split The Difference" and "How to Win
| Friends and Influence People" don't really work in an effective
| way. The best way to navigate relationships is naturally, in
| the moment with no playbook in your mind. It all comes
| naturally once one is relaxed, but getting to that relaxed
| state is the challenge, especially if one has spent one's life
| doing the opposite by being constantly in their mind.
| _tom_ wrote:
| I'd love to see what books people come up with.
|
| Another component is practice. Talk to lots of people. Get a job
| at Starbucks if you are really committed. Or go to toastmasters.
| Join any club that has lots of conversation.
|
| Observation is also good. Watch people around you, and see how
| they speak.
|
| Do not look to fiction, as someone else suggested. Almost all
| fiction these days is conflict oriented. The examples in fiction
| are almost always "what not to do", you'll learn to be an
| insufferable stalker.
|
| There are also dozens of books on communication. Read a few.
| theaussiestew wrote:
| I would second not looking at fiction. So much of the cultural
| mores around relationships come from what we see in media and
| so much of it is just wrong and designed to create excitement
| through dramatisation and negative archetypes. We
| subconsciously imitate these archetypes and then we're
| surprised that conflict occurs in real life too. Find people in
| real life who you respect deeply and try and see what they're
| doing instead.
|
| Also, exposure therapy, which is essentially what you
| recommended by saying go to Starbucks, Toastmaster etc, doesn't
| really work at a fundamental level either. I've done this
| deeply but didn't really get anywhere for many years. The real
| problem that creates lack of emotional understanding is our
| upbringing and how our parents raised us. One can force
| themselves into social situations for decades and still be
| anxious or lack empathy and this is simply because how we were
| raised in the first several years of our lives reverberates
| into the rest of our life unless awareness is brought into
| these dynamics.
| TheAlchemist wrote:
| I'm not sure it's exactly what you're looking for, but there is a
| book "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie -
| despite it's cheesy title and being pretty old, it's still very
| good advice. Turns out, people nature don't change that much !
| pavlov wrote:
| I liked "Supercommunicators" by Charles Duhigg.
|
| It's not quite a word-by-word guide, but the examples are
| captivating and there's practical advice on how to listen and ask
| better questions to create a connection.
|
| One of the things he highlights is that a communication situation
| usually requires both small-scale experimentation and exposing
| some your own vulnerabilities to discover what might be relevant
| to the other person in that conversation. That means there's
| inherently an element of risk-taking: you can't stick to a single
| safe formula each time and expect to connect.
| nuancebydefault wrote:
| I sometimes feel that way as well, feel misunderstood and hence
| people become sad or upset.
|
| I think it is not really emotional intelligence that you need or
| should be looking for. It feels like the problem/solution is
| more, how to connect more deeply with people. For that to happen,
| you need to communicate a lot (especially active listening) and
| feel/show empathy. Once there is this deeper connection, people
| trust you more and will be more open to explain their feelings.
|
| Easier said than done but practice makes (almost) perfect.
| Atotalnoob wrote:
| I think some debate techniques might help.
|
| A lot of guides break down into steps about where the opponent is
| coming from, why they are saying it. It also leads one into
| anticipating your opponents next move and knowing who your
| audience is.
|
| This can help you understand why they may respond a certain way.
|
| Make sure what you are saying adds value and doesn't just make
| noise.
|
| Also pairing reflective listening can help understand someone and
| increase EQ
| stevenicr wrote:
| I recently did some searched for 'life coaches' to try to find
| one to hire for someone..
|
| Trying to recall all the things I've learned from experiences and
| from random snippets in books / magazines..
|
| I want to teach others (or at least one other for sure) how to
| read other people's faces, expressions.. notice how they turn
| their shoes (towards you for more engagement, turning away,
| wanting to leave) - think I read that in a time life mini book
| years ago..
|
| doing a DDG search for "teach people on spectrum about reading
| people" brings up too much 'learn reading text' results.
|
| Did just find https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-read-people/
|
| so I'll be using that resource.
|
| Interested in what others suggest.
|
| Like we need to create a monthly 'cotillion for adults' club /
| events / coaching series whatever.. I think there is huge demand.
|
| (https://www.cotillion.com/jdw/curriculum
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(page generated 2024-03-28 23:01 UTC)