[HN Gopher] Open-relationship enthusiasts crash mainstream roman...
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Open-relationship enthusiasts crash mainstream romance apps
Author : andygcook
Score : 16 points
Date : 2024-01-19 19:38 UTC (3 hours ago)
(HTM) web link (www.wsj.com)
(TXT) w3m dump (www.wsj.com)
| thr0way120 wrote:
| There is an epidemic of narcissists in society which is not being
| talked about enough. And when I say "Narcissist," you have to
| understand it goes WAY BEYOND the idea of "oh, this person is
| just selfish."
|
| I was BLINDSIDED by running into a woman at work who was: -
| Dating a dozen different men - On every dating app -
| Pathologically flirting with new men everywhere she goes -
| Flirting with me and co-workers - Texting / Calling me all the
| time at odd hours - Living a lifestyle of traveling all over the
| place every weekend, maintaining multiple relationships with
| multiple men at the same time - Constantly on the hunt for new
| men - Meeting and immediately texting broad and deep with new men
| on the spot - Deliberately hurting / breaking up with men in a
| nasty way just to enjoy harming them and gaining power over them
|
| IT WAS WEIRD.
|
| It wasn't until I learned about Covert Narcissism and how it is a
| really severe psychological condition that I understood what I
| was seeing.
|
| These are the people who are pretending to be "polygamous" or
| "dating multiple people." It is NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY and
| you DO NOT WANT IT AROUND YOU TRUST ME.
|
| Society has become extremely sick, and social media, dating apps
| have given the sickest people the equivalent of methamphetamines
| to feed their addiction for relationship "supply" nonstop.
|
| IF you grew up in the prior era, you may not understand JUST HOW
| BAD AND TOXIC IT HAS GOTTEN. It has FALLEN APART.
|
| Stay away from these people, learn to spot them, they are sneaky
| and out to harm you ( I was personally harmed by this woman who
| was playing games with me ).
|
| There needs to be broader awareness of narcissists, how they act
| and how to spot and avoid them. They are a societal cancer and
| the cancer is spreading.
| dudinax wrote:
| These sorts of people have been around forever.
| matrix_overload wrote:
| They have been. But in the old times such behavior would
| quickly get you labelled as a village slut and become avoided
| by most people.
|
| But in the social media age companies need such people to
| generate content that drives engagement, and serves a a
| conduit for ads. This creates incentives for such destructive
| behavior, and forces such people into others' attention
| spans, reinforcing the loop.
| chias wrote:
| I think it was also just harder to do at scale.
|
| In the aftermath of his death, we discovered that one of my
| great grandfathers had a whole other family a few villages
| over, and neither family knew of the other. Being
| logistically limited to just two groups probably helped
| make it "work".
| borroka wrote:
| > I was personally harmed by this woman who was playing games
| with me
|
| Let's assume you were a willing participant. I don't know your
| situation, how it developed, what kind of tricks they used to
| make you a consenting person, but, if you think deeply and
| objectively, you were.
|
| Looking back on the bad relationships I had, with the wisdom,
| reflections and experience that age and life give us, I realize
| that I could have said no, taken a different path, lived a
| different life. Sure, they were bad, and I was bad with them
| and with others, but there was no chain holding me there,
| except the one I myself was willing to fasten around my ankle,
| perhaps because I was lonely, or scared, or immature. Or
| because sex was amazing, and they were a great cook, so sweet
| when they wanted to be.
|
| Bad relationships should make us reflect on the faults of
| others, but especially on our own shortcomings. At least, that
| is I see them today, and my life got much better because of it.
| ben_w wrote:
| Narcissists are absolutely a thing, but it sounds like you're
| conflating two groups.
|
| The poly relationships I know, and the open relationships I
| know, just aren't even close to what you're describing. Even
| the closest singular example to what you're describing -- one
| out of a dozen people who are open about being poly and a dozen
| more who are open about being open -- was, despite being
| extremely selfish, not sadistic as the person you describe
| appears to be.
| garciasn wrote:
| Open relationships are nearly impossible to navigate from either
| side and as someone who has done it on more than one occasion, I
| very strongly recommend that if you're considering it, reconsider
| --hard.
|
| They are often a last ditch effort at offsetting dead bedrooms,
| relationship problems, or other significant issues and they are
| often a cause of severe dating stress on you, your primary, and
| your secondary/tertiary/etc partners.
|
| If you do want to absolutely do it, don't do it via a mainstream
| app or don't do it as a relationship--keep it as a hookup. But,
| if you insist this is good for you, instead join some sort of
| tight-knit community that is more open to such alternative
| relationship styles or you're going to have a bad time. A really
| bad time.
|
| In my extensive experience, of those who are open to
| open/polyamory are either doing it themselves or have serious
| issues with self-image and/or mental health. Of those who aren't
| in these camps, the stress of the relationship dynamics will end
| up in hurt, pain, and a never-ending conversation about the
| situation or the lack of separation from the primary.
|
| Again, keep it to hookups or tight-knit pro-open communities and
| away from those looking for something normal or stable. It's not
| fair to anyone involved.
|
| If it's "working" for you via those mainstream dating
| communities, you're either missing/ignoring the issues or you're
| in a very tiny minority.
| Mandelmus wrote:
| I was in open relationships in Berlin's polyamorous community
| for nearly five years and I concur with everything you said.
| damascus wrote:
| When I first started down this path my first red flag appeared
| when I started asking poly people how long they'd been poly.
| The first 30 people I asked over a period of about 4 months,
| the longest anyone had been poly was 14 months. It wasn't until
| I got involved in a smaller alt-art community that I found a
| few old timers with more than 5 years under their belts, and
| all of them were solo poly (they live alone, unmarried, but
| date multiple people).
| potatosalad21 wrote:
| https://archive.ph/a3Bps
| alpineidyll3 wrote:
| Human beings are naturally envious and covetous creatures.
| Everyone loves to talk about other people's love lives, and
| maintains strong opinions about how they should be, while
| paradoxically relating to the fact that love makes fools of us
| all.
|
| Meanwhile journalists rest more and more on sexual politics to
| elicit interest in a public who is very tired of what they have
| to say.
|
| How about we build stuff, and let people worry about their own
| love lives?
| lgkk wrote:
| If you're a normal person you're better off just going offline
| and seeking actual connections.
|
| Most of these open relationship and poly whatever people.. kinda
| weird people to begin with. Let them live online and in therapy.
| It's just not a normal way to live regardless of how much people
| defend it lol so the sooner normal people realize that happiness
| and love is found offline the better.
|
| Personally I am all in on VR and stuff like that so normal people
| can finally enjoy being outside while all the others are forever
| online doing whatever. Not my problem, it's contained. Everyone
| will have a place they can find happiness which is the most
| utilitarian solution.
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